Thursday, April 3, 2008

Ocho Cinco Hits The Drive Thru

(car pulls up)

Order Box: Welcome to Burger King. May I take your order?

(long pause)

Order Box: Hello?

Ocho: I’m here.

Order Box: Can I take your order, Sir?

Ocho: I don’t know.

Order Box: You don’t know?

Ocho: Exactly. I DON’T KNOW.

Order Box: Okay.

(long pause)

Order Box: Would you like a hamburger or something?

Ocho: (sighs) I’ll take a Whopper and large fries. And an orange slice.

Order Box: Is Fanta okay?

(long pause)

Order Box: Sir?

Ocho: Who said Fanta? See now, this is exactly the kinda shit I’m talkin’ about.

Order Box: Sir?


Order Box: But we only have Fanta, Sir.

Ocho: Exactly. That's all you have. That's all you can do for Chad. And Chad has to decide if that's good enough for Chad.

Order Box: But it's the same soda. It’s still orange.

Ocho: That’s not the issue. If this is the way we’re going to continue, then that’s the way we’re going to continue.

Order Box: What?

Ocho: WHAT?

Order Box: How about I just scratch your drink order? That way, you can find an Orange Slice across the street at Arby’s. Is that okay?

Ocho: Arby’s? Who said anything about Arby’s?

Order Box: Sir?

Ocho: I didn’t say anything about Arby’s.

Order Box: I know you didn’t.

Ocho: Why are we talking about Arby’s? This is fucking Burger King.

Order Box: May I complete your order, Sir?

Ocho: (sighs) Whatever.

Order Box: Your total is $6.79. If you could just pull around, Sir.

Ocho: THAT’S IT?

Order Box: I… believe so. Was there something else you wanted? Would you like a Jr. Sundae?

(long pause)

Order Box: Sir?

Ocho: You know what’s good? Spiral pasta. I would like some spiral pasta.

Order Box: But, we don’t have that on our menu, Sir.

Ocho: Why not? Why are you so set in your ways? Do you really believe that things will improve the way you’re going?

Order Box: Uh… Your order is ready at the window, Sir. If you could just pull around.

Ocho: THAT’S IT?

Order Box: I think so. Was there something else you wanted to discuss?

(long pause)

Order Box: Sir?

Ocho: I don’t know. Did you know there are some rocks that are, like, 500 years old?

Order Box: My manager said your order’s getting cold, Sir.

Ocho: He said that?

Order Box: Yes.

Ocho: Cold? Why he say that?

Order Box: Because he saw it and it's cold, Sir.

Ocho: So? Listen, I got someone else who needs to order.

Order Box: Okay… May I take that person’s order?

Gary Busey: Why are you taking orders? This is not Poland. We don’t take orders here. You have a nice voice. I’ve been looking at you. I’ve known you since you were a baby, only we’ve never met. Let me touch your ears. Did you know there’s aggression in all of our hearts? I want the raw liver of a horse. And some chicken fries. And I want you to serve it on a tray that’s balancing on your head. THERE IS NO REALITY!

Order Box: I quit.


Rudy Call said...

Sadly, that's pretty much how that interview went. Chad isn't smart enough to take orders from Rosenhaus and speak to the media at the same time.

Otto Man said...

Chad was just upset that the Order Box's grill had more metal on it than his own.

CJ said...

"I painted George Hamilton white. I took 200 pounds off Dom DeLuise by painting him with vertical stripes."

Steve said...

Meanwhile, Marvin Lewis was at Arby's trying to order thirteen pickles smeared in Arby Sauce, a cup of forks, and an upside down milkshake. The guy taking his order was then arrested for punching a college kid in the face and busting out the window of a car with a beer bottle. Why does Marvin Lewis always pick the bad boys?

Mike Murray said...

Of course, Chad Johnson is a McDonald's man, not BK. Get yiour facts straight!

Animal Mother said...


Can we open the polls back up, I want to vote Lion now.

naptown drew said...

Can't a wideout smoke a little chronic in the offseason and do some interviews without everybody crawling up his gold-plated asshole?

Leave Ocho alooone!

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Needs more eating out.

Claude Balls said...

Needs more eating out.

I saw what you did there.

Do you have a newsletter to which I could subscribe?

Anonymous said...

I'm with Claude

SlideShow Bob said...

He just did a hour with Max Kellerman and Brian Kenney on ESPN Radio in new york. He was much more coherent, which granted isnt saying much.

the beet said...

and then chris henry punched the King in the face

El Duké said...

I might be late on this, but I just watched Cold Pizza do a Who you got? with the final four mascots. Apparently a ram would beat a jayhawk and a tiger. ESPN's stealing shit from KSK now? We're not too far from a door flying open and Woody Paige shouting "You betta ask somebody!"

Otto Man said...

Incidentally, this series of words -- busey, eating out, ocho cinco -- is going to haunt my nightmares 'til the end of time.

Man Bear Pig said...

Busey was the icing on the cake.

I don't know about anyone else, but I'd love to see a '90's interracial buddy cop movie starring Busey and Ocho.

It would blow my mind.

Suss said...

I enjoyed Akili Smith's portrayal of Order Box.

rukrusher said...

suss +1

I did not know he had been promoted to the drive-thru

Steve said...

Akili: Hey, I started out mopping the floor just like you guys. But now... now I'm washing lettuce. Soon I'll be on fries; then the grill. And pretty soon, I'll make assistant manager, and that's when the big bucks start rolling in.

Cade McNown isn't as enthused.

smurphette said...

@man bear pig: It would totally be bizarro world The Last Boy Scout, although I think Busey would fall off the rafters while trying to do a jig.

@quiet strength: And when Akili gets on, he'll leave yo ass for a white girl.

Rocky Top said...

When you think of garbage, think of Akili!