Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Ha! The Fackin’ Pats DID Win The Supah Bowl, Yah Fackin’ Pricks!

Well, well, well! Looks like the joke is on you fackin’ Giant fans today! Because I, Tawmus O’Neill O’Flanagan O’McGillicuddy O’McTavish O’Fitzgeraldkirkpatrick McMoynihan O’Leary have here, in my hand, a hand-written lettah from RAWJAH FACKIN’ GOODELL that reads, and I fackin’ quote:

“De-ah Tawmmy,

It has recently come to my attention that they-ah were-ah SEVEE-AH CLAWK MANAGEMENT ERRAHS during the cowrse of Supah Bowl Fawty Too. Aftah reading the many haaaahtfelt pleas from loyal, dedicated, and very special Patriot fans the world ovah awn a recent and very legitimate petition, I have ruled that thah final touchdown sco-wahd by those fackin’ faggots the New Yark fackin’ Giants shouldn’t count. They-ah fo-ah, I would like to personally congratulate you and thah great Patriot fans on a perfect 19-0 season. Well done. Once again, fackin’ Bawston fans prove that they alone have the ability to determine thah outcome of any sporting contest. FACKIN’ BIG UPS TO THE GAWDDAMN PATS JUGGUHNUT!”



How the fack you like that, you fackin’ Giant facks? APRIL FACKIN’ FOOLS, YA FACKIN’ SHITEATAHS! The Lawmbahaaaahdi Trophy is finally fackin' goin’ back where it fackin’ belawngs: an otherwise unusable tract of land in Fawxburrow! Nice!

This is thah perfect gift for Pats fans after all we’ve been through! You Giant faggots will nevah know what it was like for us this wintah! Fahhhhh worse than any of that 9/11 shit. What do you need a WORLD Trade Center fah? Stawp trading ou-ah gold away to some fackin’ Dubai camelfackahs and show a little FACKIN’ SAWLIDARITY, YOU FACKS!

I know thah perfect way to celebrate this well-earned victory. I’M GONNA GO WAWTCH THE FACKIN’ SAWX! ON THE MONSTAH! That’s what any good fackin’ Patriot fan does! Then I’m gawnna go home and watch “Gawne Baby Gawne” for the 17th time. Remember that paaaaht whe-ah Amy fackin’ Ryan tells her-ah sistah to sack a fackin’ nigga’s cawk? THAT’S MY FAVORITE FACKIN’ PAAAAAHT! I use that line awl the time now! ‘Bout time Benny Affleck came through and showed the world that fackin’ BASTON IS THE HAAAAAHDEST TOWN IN THE U.S. OF FACKIN’ A!

And I’m gonna fackin’ frame this fackin’ lettah! Nice goin’, Rawj. Now get rid of awl the daaaahkies and awl will be right with the world!

Wait a second. What’s on the othah side of this lettah? “Schlawtzsky’s Deli”? OH MY FACKIN GAWD! IT’S A FACKIN’ WRAPPAH!

My fackin’ New Yark friend DeanO fackin’ did this! THAT FACKIN' PRICK! DeanO, I will fackin’ find you and fack you with a haaaaaahpoon, you fackah!

UPDATE: Why, you'll never guess who bragged online today that Wes Welker could beat up Tiger Woods. I'm as shocked as you!


Otto Man said...

I will fackin’ find you and fack you with a haaaaaahpoon, you fackah!

Eliot Spitzer tells me this is known, in escort parlance, as getting "Moby Dicked."

SlideShow Bob said...

good one Deano

the great bambi said...

between this and the sean taylor post, i wish every day could be april fools

Anonymous said...

Ah Tawmmy, you have been missed.

Kyle321N said...

I could see LT pulling a prank on Marmolard.

/would make my day
//maybe Wade and Jerry could also get punk'd
///asks for way too much

Animal Mother said...

What about the letter to Tahmmy from the NAACP informing him that one of Tom Brady's grandparents is one of them dahkies?

gone said...

hmmmmmm Schlotzky's......

Tom Brady's Man Chowder said...

second that the ending was weak.

also awesome: when the fat kid on the bicycle tells him to fack his mothah

Wormfather said...

I third the kind of weak ending. However "why dont you go sucka nigga dick" may be the greatest in your face racist line of all time.

When my fiancee and I were watching the movie that part came up, I paused the movie, turned to her and said "That's why we cant move to Boston, sorry babe"

She just looked at me and said, uh huh.

WilforkForFood said...

I'm not going to lie, a very small part of me hoped this was true, I even went to espn.com to verify. Thank you for making this the worst april fools day ever.

JM said...

Needs more SuperMike.

Chuck Sweet said...

Dear SG,

Q: Is Jackie Robinson tough? My friends and I were thinking that Papelbon could beat the shit out of Robinson in a fight. What do you think?
- Mikey, Boston, Ma.

SG: Absolutely. Great question. Jackie was tough for his era...but what does that really mean? Papelbon would kick his ass.

Angelos said...

an otherwise unusable tract of land

You let some lucidity slip through...

Doc Holliday said...

Dear SG,

Q: Who has the largest and darkest cock on the Sox?

A: That's a tough one...probably Francona, he doesn't look it, but man does he have an extremely shaded cock. Yep those are my readers!