Friday, March 23, 2007

KSK Mock Draft:
These Are Our Countries, Rd. 3

Each week leading up to the draft, we at KSK will be holding a mock draft of our own in the category of our choosing. This week, we are drafting countries, pre-divided parcels of LAND! It's the only thing they're not making more of, or some shit.

The rules here: Only currently existing nations may be selected (sorry, Banat). The United States is off limits. Some elaborate description of how and why you would pillage that nation's resources/people/geopolitical characteristics is required.

The Order: Ape, UM, CC, Drew, flub, MMP.

You can read Round 1 here and Round 2 here.

Countries already off the board: Brazil, Japan, Australia, Italy, St. Maarten, China, Sweden, Lesotho, The UK, Argentina, United Arab Emirates, Israel.

Round 3

UM: Earlier when I asked if we could take principalities and sovereign states Drew assumed I was going to take the Vatican. Granted I love the power and influence, but I just don't need all of those Catholic headaches. I must admit, the infallibility makes me a bit giddy. This is the only principality that entices me.

UM: 13. Monaco

So many reasons, I should have taken it number one.

A beautiful crop of land on the French Riviera and it's not French...sign me up! They're tiny and they don't get involved in conflicts. That's good, I'm fucking sick of international drama. Monaco just chills by the water doing its thing while all of the millionaires stream through. And for every shark-like millionaire you've got dozens of sexy scavenger fish from all over the world.

It's tiny and it doesn't wield power but it might just be the coolest place in the world. It's fully stocked with beauty and wealth from all parts of the globe. Monte Carlo rules. I'll write up a better reasoning later.

Drew: Terrible pick. You may as well pick gonorrhea. It's less problematic.

MMP: No, to pick gonorrhea, you have to wait your turn.

Ape: It was still my pick, UM.

UM: Oh fuck. I thought you already went twice. I blame the hash.

Ape: Drew is doing nothing but taking Old Europe countries. That's the Norv
Turner all chalk route. You might as well take France next.

Ape: Actual No. 13. Russia

I got tropical hotness, then global influence and military might. Now
I'm consolidating my power with land and money. Russia, though not the
superpower it once was, is still a G8 nation with a ton of oil money.

It's cold as fuck so I probably won't be spending much time there, but
I'll take all the nice vodka they make.

CC: Ape, you really should have taken Monaco out of spite. I assume UM's sticking with Monaco at 14, yes?

UM: Way to drop the ball, Ape. I mean Israel and Russia? That's worse than me taking movie characters who die. Besides, I'll be chilling on the beach while sipping on the very same vodka.

Ape: Not when I control the country, you won't.

UM: Oh well. I like Ciroc and Grey Goose just fine.

Ape: And way to take a big chunk of desert full of people who hate you, UM.

UM: It's on the water, and I'll just expel all the haters and replace them with tits.

Ape: Russia is strategic. Why do I need another tropical wonderland when I
have Brazil? You can go the Matt Millen route and take seven
receivers. I have a well-rounded squad.

UM: Please. Japan will crush you. Plus, I have more millionaires than you can count because of the whole "No income tax in Monaco" thing.

Ape: Japan? Those sandal-wearing goldfish tenders?

UM: Commie.

CC: Okay girls, that's enough bickering.

CC: 15. France.

Finally my years of French in high school and college become moderately useful.

Step 1 as owner of France: eliminate French.
Step 2: Begin rigorous euthanasia program.

I want to maintain the outstanding legacy of wine, cheese, and art while destroying the snooty pussy-dom. Because we all need a pet project. I figure France can practice by conquering Monaco. Those people are even bigger pussies than the French.

Honorable mention: Iraq. Nothing would give me greater pleasure than to turn that shithole into a parking lot. I have no idea how that geographical toilet became the cradle of civilization. Nice sandstorms and 130-degree humidity, asses. Enjoy nuclear winter.

flub: Did you guys read [the steroids piece] from Chuck Klosterman today?

CC: Klosterman totally would have picked Canada and given a shitty explanation for it.

UM: Ufford is France which means he's entitled to protect me as Monaco. Always good to have your back covered by a Marine.

[The group]: ...

UM: My sentences make sense when I type them. I swear.

Ape: Drew's on the clock, then flubby and Punter.

UM: Ape's in a hurry to take Khazakstan in free agency.

Drew: And the Balkans!

Ape: I get a supplemental pick for all your bitching.

UM: Feel free to supplement your picks with places that don't suck.

Drew: 16. Mexico

First thing I do is round up all the tourists in Cancun and have them
murdered. Next thing I do is eat a flauta and get me a suntan.
Mexico rules.

flub: I won a free yard of Dos Equis at Senor Frog's in Cancun. It took me five minutes to work up the nerve to admit to the DJ I knew the name of the lead singer of Loverboy, but my thirst finally won out. Going to Mexico in late July is not among the wisest decisions I have ever made. Shit was hotter than the sun.

UM: Try going to the Bahamas at the end of august. My mom was never that sharp.

flub: I imagine you get some really good rates during hurricane season.

UM: It rained for five days. Good job, Mom. I just saw the clip that Jordi sent us. Feel free to use that clip to explain my selection of Japan.

MMP: I'll make a mental note of that.

Ape: Drew lays into Israel but then takes Mexico? You should have just taken Sudan.

flub: 17. Luxembourg.

It's small enough that I think I could run the whole place single-handedly. Then I would surround the entire country with a big velvet rope and tell the Euro-trash to keep the fuck out.

MMP: Motherfucker, I was gonna take Luxembourg. It has the world's higest GDP per capita.

Ape: Jersey has the highest per capita income in the U.S. and I don't think
that would be taken in a state draft.

MMP: Ape, Infoplease would like to have a word with you.

UM: Even though we're not a state, DC owns!

Ape: Fine, Jersey's only third. Screw Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me for saying different.

MMP: 18. Cuba.

Then I would buy the Marlins and move them there. Fidel would sit in the dugout until his death, whilest I drank rum and diets from behind home plate. I needed a token hotspot, and this ties in nicely with the boner I have for communist reform. Plus, Cuba will make a decent staging area for the 250,000 Chinese troops I'm about to send over to St. Maarten.


BeaverFever said...

great call on Cuba MMP. Except I would make Castro sit in the cheap seats in the hot sun, not the shade of the dugout.

Rob I said...

New Jersey has four of the top ten counties in America in per capita income. A couple of laggard counties hold us back. (I'm looking at you, Camden)

Also, I think Ape was drafting in the 1980's.

Christmas Ape said...

At least I didn't pick Ukraine.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Here's a quick roundup:

CC: Australia, Argentina, France
Ape: Brazil, Israel, Russia
Me: Italy, UK, Mexico
UM: Japan, Dubai, Monaco
flubby: St. Maarten,. Lesotho, Luxembourg
Punter: China, Sweden, Cuba

Hottest women: CC
Would win a six-way war: Ape
Least amount of real estate: flub
Most diverse collection: Punter
Typical inexplicable UM picks: UM
Never has to take a flight longer than 8 hours: Me

Advantage: Drew.

Unsilent Majority said...

I have a kick ass world power and two awesome vacation homes...I'm happy

Rob I said...

I can't believe you left Burundi on the table!

BoSox Siobhan said...

Ape - Jesus, first the spot-on "This American Life" now you admit you listen to "Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me." I mean, I listen to NPR a lot too, but I'm a broad, so it's different somehow.

MyBoysAreMyLife said...

New Jersey also has the most corrupt politicians and a Governor who sleeps with a top union official.

..And my taxes go up every year. But hey we have Hoboken and its bars, which is nice.

Welcome to New go home.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Oh, you mean the kick ass world power that has adopted a pacifist policy and refuses to own nuclear weapons? Yeah, you go kick some ass with that. Oooh, I'm so scared. Here comes UM, armed with an anime DVD and a stuffed animal he won at a pachenko parlor! Look out!

Christmas Ape said...


I also live alone with a cat and run long distances for fun. My manliness is beyond reproach!

Signal to Noise said...

BDD - UM can have them start proliferating nukes as soon as he likes. It's not like the current leaders of Japan aren't agitating for that anyway.

Hercules Rockefeller said...

CC killed it

Hottest chicks = winner

Christmas Ape said...

UM will give them all Hanzo steel.

Anonymous said...

"I come from Ukraine. You not say Ukraine is weak. Ukraine is game to you?!?! How about I take your little board and smash it?"

BoSox Siobhan said...

Ape - Are you running in the Marathon on Sunday?
I'll be sleeping off a bad drunk. most likely.

Christmas Ape said...

No, not this one. I ran the St. Patrick's Day 8K last Sunday and beat that straggler Mayor Fenty by a minute and a half.

BeaverFever said...

@devang you also have the Jersey shore and that slum by the sea otherwise known as Atlantic City. be proud Garden Stater.

still a little disappointed no one drafted Spain.

MyBoysAreMyLife said...

CC is the winner in women AND booze. What else is there?

MyBoysAreMyLife said...

@devang you also have the Jersey shore and that slum by the sea otherwise known as Atlantic City. be proud Garden Stater.

nods head silently and heads off to a bar.

Jordi said...

Ah, now it all makes sense. Personally, I would have taken Romania, Mongolia, and Costa Rica. Nobody would mess with me on historical rep alone. And I would have my tropical hide-away. Feline disrespect from behind!

mamacita said...

First of all: Dubai? Seriously? You automatically lose, UM.

If you get to take over the country and do whatever you want with it, then the only thing that really matters is the weather. In which case you will find me mixing a drink for flubby in St. Maarten. We can sit out hurricane season in Luxembourg, and I'm sure we can work something out with Charlize down in Lesotho (wink).

Bad Barbecue said...

One African nation drafted.


Martha Van Bork said...

Sweden's not in Africa?

mamacita said...

Least amount of real estate: flub

Flubby and I don't need land. I ain't plowing shit.

Bad Barbecue said...

I guess all you'd really get are diamonds, all the aid you could ask for and all the AIDs, so....

I see what you did there.

BeaverFever said...

MMP get the award for celebrating diversity and kicking some Commie ass in China and Cuba. I think he wins this draft on a couple of different levels. You get a good mix of blondes and brunettes between Sweeden and Cuba and throw in some Asian gals for good measure.

Trader Rick said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
mamacita said...

I guess all you'd really get are diamonds, all the aid you could ask for and all the AIDs, so....

You're right, the AIDS orphans are getting me down. So we'll send them all to boarding school in England. Drew thinks he's such a badass father -- I'm sure he could handle them.

Jordan Ginsberg said...

I'd say UM won, except that Dubai's existence and everything it stands for are pet peeves of mine. Of course, Jews taking over the UAE would be some delicious ironing.

With that said, it's probably a dead heat between CC and BDD, with Mexico and Argentina being the X-factors: (1) Patagonia is the absolute tits, and (2) I lived in La Paz, Mexico for a year; lovely place, amazing seafood, dirt cheap beer, but hotter than dogfuck and every semi-attractive girl was either married or disastrously under-age. Plus, I almost got raped by a guy wearing leather pants and a pig-mask in Mexico City once. Advantage: Caveman

Unknown said...

I think CC wins here...

a definite geopolitical advantage, plus some nukes (France) and a country with plenty of open space to test said nukes (Australia).

Not to mention the obvious bevy of hot chicks (Argentina, Australia... not France).

though, UM's countries could probably buy and sell CCs at will.

Unknown said...

CC wins because he eliminates French. A real sleeper pick: Ecuador. You could train the Galapagos hawk to be your personal silent assassin.

MyBoysAreMyLife said...

Flubby and I don't need land. I ain't plowing shit.

You plowing Flubby?

Dan McNulty said...

I think one country that you all missed is Canada. I'm not talking in terms of the present, but its future value. Once global warming hits it big, all the Caribbean countries get hotter or disappear (same with anything near the equator), and Europe becomes colder. Canada will warm up, and all that land will become farmland and high priced real estate. With the polar ice gone, Canadian ports will become the most active in trade in the world. Basically, Canada will be rich.

Trader Rick said...

America Jr. would be a fine pick in a keeper league.

Nic Ouzo said...

Greek McPapadopoulos--

I'm disappointed in all of you. Though I am not surprised.

Mike said...

"Eliminate French.
A rigorous euthanasia program."

A beautiful sentiment.

Anonymous said...

no take glorious kazakhistan...

all other countires are inferiour...

but seriously israel rules (yes i am jewish why do you ask) and not just the jewish thing it is actually a cool place to vacation in.

oh and why no canada its basically the us 2.0 but better... unless i missed somehting

Anonymous said...

i got an idea for next week....

people in the sports world you would like to get rid off/ change there jobs

packer... packer... make billie beane orioles gm?

is this only a good idea in my head.

Anonymous said...

after finally re reading these i am strangely similar to ape... this scares me. and jersey rules hands down... if you eliminate like 1 area we are highest gdp per capita.

Unknown said...

I invite everybody to join the French Freedom Fighters. We fight all French who want freedom.

Otto Man said...

I'm coming in late to this, due to a work trip to the UK. (I'll get the scouting report on your desk by noon, BDD.)

How in God's name have none of you picked the Netherlands? Legalized drugs, gambling *and* prostitution, plus some of the greatest breweries in the world. That should've been the third or fourth one off the board.

Otto Man said...

flubby: St. Maarten,. Lesotho, Luxembourg

Is Flubby the rich bitch owner from "Major League," drafting a team out of hasbeens and neverweres in an attempted dive?

Up yer butt, Jobu.