Thursday, March 15, 2007

KSK Mock Draft: Personal Non-Gun Weapons

Some people have made the point that we've completely strayed from any football coverage since the end of the season. This critique has not fallen on deaf ears around these parts.


Hey, the Patriots signed a bunch of receivers! 'bout time. But did they really give that much money to Kelley Washington? Too, too much, indeed.

There. You're all caught up. It's the fucking off-season, remember?

Now: the weekly mock draft. Coming to a consensus on this week's subject was a tough row to hoe, especially because we're not farmers so that idiom makes no sense to us. At first, we considered the invention you'd most like to have on a desert island, but we all seemed to come to the same conclusion.

Our thoughts, as they often do, strayed to killing. Fastidious enthusiasts of violence that we are, we enjoy murderous implements of all sorts. Sure, firing a gun accurately requires a great deal of skill and technique, but where is the brutal artistry? Killing with a gun robs you of the personal touch you only get with hired goons personal non-gun weapons. From this, a draft was born.

And if we could use them to maim and butcher the person who came up with the Wendy's "Trophy burger" commericials, all the better, right?

Round 1

1. flubby -- The club.
"Over the years, the club has been the preferred weapon of degenerates ranging from Australopithecus to Sheriff Buford Pusser to Eazy-muthafukkin-E. The version I use is an early-1960's Al Kaline MacGregor baseball bat."

2. Ape -- Taser

On the lethality scale, it's probably fairly low. But the hilarity quotient is off the charts.

3. Caveman -- Military flail with morning star

"From Wikipedia:

* Unlike a sword or mace, it doesn't transfer vibrations from the impact to the wielder.
* It is difficult to block with a shield or parry with a weapon because it can curve over and round impediments such as shield or weapons and still strike the target.
* It provides defense whilst in motion.
* The flail needed space to swing and could easily endanger the wielder's comrades.

Check, check, check, and check. I especially like that it might harm my allies."

4. Punter -- Bow and arrow

"I enjoy incapacitating personnel as much as the next sociopath, but all that time walking up to that person seems like such a waste.

With a bow and arrow, now I can kill without interpersonal contact. Thanks, bow and arrow!"

5. Unsilent -- Hanzo steel

"Obvious yet superior."

6. Drew -- Machete

"Preferred weapon of drug kingpins and African warlords alike, the machete lets people know you're serious about hacking them to pieces, especially when it comes to children. Plus, the machete is relatively light, for quick slicing. And, as a bonus, it can cut through tough undergrowth, making a lovely mulch for your landscaping work. Bonus points if the machete is rusty and therefore more prone to cause infection. I really wish I could have picked the Krull, but no fictional weapons allowed."

Round 2

7. Drew -- Battle Axe

"I don't know why, but you only see dwarves handling battle axes. This makes no sense to me. What makes the battle axe so inherently dwarven? I think full-heighted people should also be able to take advantage of its dual-sided blade (excellent for backhanded slashing) and intimidating appearance. I've never seen a battle axe used properly in film. This is a weapon that should rightfully fuck people up left and right. Great for Execution-style decapitations."

8. Unsilent -- War hammer

"It's like a hammer, only it's made to kill people."

A uniform state of shock descends over KSK. Unsilent isn't fucking up a draft board. Clearly because he knows he has the Jew claw to fall back on regardless.

9. Punter -- Shuriken

"Throwing stars KICK ASS. That is all."

10. Caveman -- Crowbill

"I'm dovetailing off UM's pick here. From the Battle of Stirling in Braveheart, it's the weapon that makes the "THUNK" sound when driven through the Englishman's helmet. It's like the war hammer, but I think it has a better draft value because it came in under the radar."

11. Ape -- Trident

For something to look awesome with while standing astride a vanquished
foe. Also weapon of choice of Brick Tamland.

12. flubby -- Bolas

"Because I've often dreamed of being a gaucho on the Pampas. (man, does that sound fruity)."

Round 3

13. flubby -- Nunchucks

"Cool, but useless."

14. Ape -- Poison blow darts

I need a long-range weapon. In movies, people always get nailed in the
neck. I prefer the eyes.

15. Caveman -- Trebuchet

"I, too, am looking to increase my range. I'll take the trebuchet, a beautiful hybrid of slingshot and catapult."

In a stroke, Caveman completely upended the whole point of the draft. We bitched, but then he started waving his gun around. Problem solved in a flash. Enjoy your big French catapult, pussy basket.

16. Punter -- Plastic bag

"Recommended for ages 2 and under."

That's just ghastly, Punter. Which is why we love you...from at least 500 yards at all times. But, as with most weapons, plastic bag can serve the purposes of evil. Observe:

17. Unsilent -- Whip

"I'd just snatch the weapon right out of your hand."

I'd only support this if Unsilent got one of those Castlevania whips that got stronger with the more people you destroyed with it and shot flames out of the end. But then, Simon Belmont was a little too effete in that Captain N cartoon series, so it's a wash.

18. Drew -- Crossbow

"It's like a gun, but with arrows! Plus, you don't have to worry about
the bow snapping against your arm with a regular bow. ever have that
happen? Holy fuck does that hurt."

We were going to shoot this down, because it's too much like a gun - crossbows have stocks and triggers, for fuck sake - and for being redolent of Punter's pick of bow and arrow. Then again, Caveman took a trebuchet, so who are we to rigidly adhere to rules and procedure?

Of course, like the NCAA Tournament, which you're probably watching in lieu of reading this today, some worthy candidates get left by the wayside. In the hopes of not being remiss, we offer a few honorable mentions:

Brass knuckles (Tough to pass on this, but I needed a distance weapon.)
Tire iron
Two-handed sword
Bastard sword
Scimitar (so curvy!)
Sack of doorknobs


Steve said...

I'm with BDD. ALWAYS have a machete on habd. As the Zombie Survival Guide states: "Blades don't need reloading."

Honerable mention: a tube sock with a bar of soap in it. Take that Gomer!

A.J. said...

My first thought was Caveman's 3rd pick of the Miliary Flail n Morning Star...That thing is so classic yet so bad-ass

But after seeing 300 yesterday, I would have to say the persian arrow is my new favorite. Most vicious looking arrow head i've ever seen.

Just thinking about it makes me wanna kill someone right now...Pause...Not

Basshole said...

Pool ball in a sock. The sick thud it makes when hitting an eye socket is nauseating.

MDT said...

I'd pick the Gogo Special from Kill Bill:

Any weapon that's 60-40 you'll kill yourself rather than your opponent, THAT'S a badass weapon to master

F.N.G. said...

Next KSK mock draft: Mock Drafts I Would Totally Rule At.

Mike said...

I think I'll nod to Sean Penn and go with the pillow-case filled with un-opened soda cans. No better way to fuck up Esai Morales, which needs to be done on principle.

Otherwise, a standard mace will do fine.

Or a fan with the covering removed.

Smello said...

The Hay Bale Hook.

Because you can impale your target and then move them out of the way as you continue your killing.

Bad Barbecue said...

I would choose a lawnmower.

But only if they were already knocked down.

Otherwise, I like the kaiser blade, some call it a sling blade, I call it a kaiser blade.

Don't You Judge Me said...

my vote is for the Karambit - when you want it to get close & personal.

cameltrader said...

I'm going with a chainsaw. It's quite loud and heavy but you wouldn't have to worry about the guy you just chopped up not being dead yet.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Oooooh, chainsaw is a GREAT one. How did we miss that? I should've taken that over the battle axe.

Tire iron and crowbar are also excellent fallbacks.

Bad Barbecue said...

For my second pick, needing a mid-range weapon, I choose flamethrower. If you don't kill them, you have seriously fucked them up. It's also a great deterrent to anyone watching their buddy get singed. Noone charges a guy with a flamethrower.

Trader Rick said...

flame thrower


cannon (of the nonsexual variety)

sex cannon

Captain Caveman said...

No explosives was rule #1.

I chose the chakram after trebuchet got overruled. You can Wiki it -- it's a frisbee that kills people. That's your fucking ultimate frisbee right there.

My Insignificant Life said...

I would prefer a hand grenade. It’s simple, easy to carry and even if I do not hit my target, points are awarded for being close.

Your Fabulous Host said...

"I want you to call me brother."

I'm sorry, I can't do that.

"Okay, then jsut give me the drinking bird!"


Big Daddy Drew said...

Fuck. Flamethrower, while perhaps not allowable, is tops.

Josh said...

I'm not asking for a mock draft of porn stars, I'm demanding it.

jackin'4beats said...

Castlevania and pussy basket references in one post. Brilliant Drew. Next thing you know, we'll be talking about Zelda and Phantasy Star too.

Anyway, I'd take the Klingon Bat'leth (screw your fantasy weapons rule) since you can use it for attacking and blocking while mutilating your opponent close up.

And I would choose the flying guillotine since nothing is cooler than decaptitating someone from 50 feet away.

Big Daddy Drew said...

j4b, Ape wrote this post. Give the man his rightful credit.

Anonymous said...

don't you fucking mock kelley washington, christmas ape.

Danny G said...

Does the baseball bat in the first picture have stink lines coming from it?

"Eh you got the stink lines and everything"

I'll take a 2x4 with a nail in it.

Landru said...

What the fuck did you people do, take time out from masturbating to go over the Dungeons and Dragons weapons list? I mean, other than Ufford, who's clearly sitting around all day playing Civ 4 instead of sucking off that fat penguin thing...

Bad Barbecue said...

For my distance weapon: molotov cocktail. It doesn't cause much damage because you can see it coming a mile away but it seems to fit in the very undefined rules of the draft. It also has a great name although recent history has it closely associated with douchbag trust fund kids who need a cause. I'm not completely sold on this one.

Fantasy Pick: Green mist sprayed from mouth. That's face poison.

Danny G said...

Or blankets infested with small pox. Stupid Indians.

Big Daddy Drew said...

What the fuck did you people do, take time out from masturbating to go over the Dungeons and Dragons weapons list?

Yes, why do you ask?

Rob I said...

I prefer to kill them with kindness.

Anonymous said...

Drill? Nice, especially if used with some creative attachments.

Also a nail gun could be quite handy - it's cheap, portable and can do some serious damage to eyeballs and internal organs.

I would like to add, as a woman, I abhor violence.

cameltrader said...

For my second pick, I'm going to with the butterfly knife. Not only is it good for in-close combat, but you can do some nice mother-fucking tricks with it.

Hercules Rockefeller said...

Ugueth Urbina approves of Drew's first round selection.

Bad Barbecue said...

28th round pick: boa constrictor

Hercules Rockefeller said...

I'll go w/ a garrote - I like to do my killing up close and personal

Grimey said...

"Piss on that! I'm bringing the ma-che-TAY!"

Trader Rick said...

I know what Bill Raftery would choose.

jackin'4beats said...

Ape wrote this post. Give the man his rightful credit

I like snubbing people almost as much as Ufford. So take that Monkian!!!!


Unknown said...

rob i - or you could kill someone softly with your song.

David said...

see, i'd use the first round for the butane torch, then take any available bladed weapon in round 2. The torch is cool on its own merits, but also can be used to cauterize wounds. Giving one more time to enjoy the work.

cameltrader said...

Does the Spain Train's funbags count as weapons? Because I'm sure they could suffocate me.

Mr Furious said...

I'll use my car, easy to center on one target, or mow through a crowd. Bonus: the getaway has already begun.

Too technological? How about my finger. When I push you into my shark tank.

Too James Bond? I'll piggyback on the war hammer or battle axe. Crowbill? that's just going to get lodged in my victim. I want no part of that morning star. I'm more likely to hit myself with it.

Otto Man said...

Sack of doorknobs

Do I have to supply my own knobs?

Grimey said...

I would have to pick hookswords, even though I'm not sure just how practical they are.

And even though I'm not Asian.

cameltrader said...

For my 3rd and final pick, and I've spend way too much time thinking about this one, I'm going with something that let's me fight with a little distance, allows me to bludgeon someone, and is fucking old school, the bo/long staff.

Otto Man said...

I have to second the earlier selection of the flying guillotine.

Failing that, the razor-edged boomerang from Road Warrior. It slices, it dices, it even juliannes the fingers of post-apocalyptic wasteland warriors!

My Insignificant Life said...

OK - too many weapons to choose from and all are so good and quite effective. I think in the bottom of my bag, I'd have a low yield nuclear bomb. I think it truly covers all possibilities of killing, maiming and causing a shit load of damage. And, a miss is just as good as a hit.

Captain Caveman said...

Jesus Christ, Insig Life. It's like you didn't read the post. No explosives. No grenades. No fucking nuclear bombs.

Big Daddy Drew said...

There's a flying guillotine? How does that work?

AdamAnt said...

I select Paris Hilton's disease infested vadge, many men seem unable to resist it. Couple that w/ her CD and you have a WMD. Finally I'd take a expandable 36 inch asp (baton).

MyBoysAreMyLife said...

I choose Clint

MemphisRaines said...

Is flubby's club a regular club? Because, I think I'd go with the
spiked club instead.

Smello said...

I'll take an ice pick with my second selection. It seems somehow feminine.

Is the spear off the board? If not, it's my third selection. It's a little impractical as it's gone once it's thrown, but it can do some damage from a distance.

jackin'4beats said...

Flying Guillotine - It's basically a hat on a 50 foot chain with spinning blades on the inside and outside of the hat. Once it is thrown, (usually by a blind man with extrasensory abilities) it drops over your head covering it to your neck. Then the spinning blades get to cutting.

Master of the Flying Guillotine"

Unknown said...

How about that sick bone sword from brotherhood of the wolf which can be used as both a close and intermediate range weapon?

Anonymous said...

Jackin', this post had pussy basket, Castlevania AND Zelda. Look at the bow and arrow picture.

My top pick would be one of those trained falcons that perch on your arm, but I'd starve it so it would peck at the eyes of my enemies.

Otto Man said...

Jackin' has described the beauty and perversity of the flying guillotine well.

It does help if the wielder is a batshit crazy blind sensei with ESP skills, but I'm pretty sure the whole thrown-circular-chainsaw aspect of the device would work for anyone.

Otto Man said...

I'd starve it so it would peck at the eyes of my enemies.

Yes, because a mistreated animal will always exact its revenge on other people, and never the one who starved it.

I'm getting an image of Chief Wiggum taunting the K-9 unit.

John S. said...

I would put Rosie O'Donnell in a bag and, with mechanical assistance (natch), use her like Sean Penn did in Bad Boys. This way, I am killing to boirds with one stone.

John S. said...

no pun with "boirds", it was a typo

Unknown said...

I'd think about one of those machines that shoots baseballs, or tennis balls, or some sort of balls.

Mr Furious said...

You could go improv toolshed-style like Arnold in "Commando"... swinging pitchfork... machete... circular saw blade frisbee...

My Insignificant Life said...

sorry Caveman - was having a bad morning at work and looking to take out my frustrations - so, can I use the weapon to hit someone over the head and knock them out, minus any explosions? I'm sure it will work.

Mr Furious said...

You guys are all fucked. I'm choosing Chuck Norris.

The Perfunctionist said...

Someone's hand has been caught in the cookie jar. From Bill Simmons's running diary of something called "March Maddness:"

"Louisville's up 25-10. We just had a draft to figure out what Caracter's off-court issues were. I picked domestic violence, JackO picked marijuana possession, House picked sexual misconduct. Five bucks apiece. You have to love March Madness."


Jez said...

Okay, first of all, Molly Hatchet might have something to say about strictly dwarves using battle axes.

Second, did you just post the first fucking taser video you could find on youtube? Personally, I'd like those 2 minutes of my life back.

And while we're on the subject of weapons and rock imagery, I'll take that weapon from the mustant dude in the original "Heavy Metal" movie, who had the interchangeable weapons on the end of his wrist; "DEATH...DEATH TO THOSE WHO OPPOSE US!"

Ben N. said...

Somewhat over the top, but...

Mustard Gas/Cyanide/Arsenic
Dirty Bomb
Pair of Sai (Raphael was my favorite Ninja Turtle)
Fishing Wire
Gasoline and a Zippo

Oh, and most importantly, Oddjob's hat from Goldfinger. How could no one take this? Or at least Random Task's shoe...

Bad Barbecue said...

I would like to trade the rights to the boa constrictor for cinamon girl's ball shooting device and Kurt Rambus.

David said...

Oh, and most importantly, Oddjob's hat from Goldfinger. How could no one take this?

Oh, fudge that's a good one.

Paul Bentz said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

"I'm getting an image of Chief Wiggum taunting the K-9 unit."

Mo me mi mo. Mo me mi mo.

Signal to Noise said...

Modification of long staff/bo -- I want Gambit from X-Men's adamantium one that can be extended with the push of a button. Makes for easy carrying in the pocket of your coat, and really, when a great weapon is portable, that's all you need.

cameltrader said...

Ok, last one from me, but everyone needs a 5 D-cell Mag Lite. There is a reason NYC cops carry these.

quisqueya said...

i'd like the gloves of the space ghost, or a paper mate blue pen a la jason bourne.

Unsilent Majority said...

bourne stole that from martin blank.

Landru said...

What the fuck did you people do, take time out from masturbating to go over the Dungeons and Dragons weapons list?

Yes, why do you ask?

Well...wouldn't it have been better to multitask? I know you can't be trying to tell me that D&D and masturbation are mutually exclusive.

Grimey said...

"Good seeing you again... thank you for the pen."

swing4 said...


swing4 said...

And, by batteries, I mean Polonium 210.

twoeightnine said...

Gotta agree with the selection of the Whip. It's the only one which can be used for good as well as evil.

Kwaz said...

light saber anybody?