Monday, March 5, 2007

Vocabulary Lessons With Pacman Jones!

You may have heard recently of the struggles of Titans defensive back Adam “Pacman” Jones. In particular, you may have heard of Pacman’s penchant for “making it rain” at strip clubs, by showering strippers with a surplus of one-dollar bills. A reader recently asked me why we didn’t cover this story more. Well, we here at KSK aren’t in the business of reporting “news”. That’s for 10,000 other blogs to fall over themselves rushing to post about. No, we like to go more in-depth here with our dick jokes at KSK. Think of us as a sort of “Real Sports”, only without the butch Carillos, the fey Gumbels, and the dickface Goldbergs.

And, to prove the depth of our reporting, I spent the previous week interviewing Pacman Jones’ friends, family and teammates. From them, I have discovered that Pacman has an elaborate lexicon of phrases that constitute a loose moral code the man lives by. It’s a fascinating look into the world of a very complex person: horny, yet rude; dumb, yet reckless; stoned, yet drunk. Let’s delve in:

Pacman Sno-Cone: This is when Pacman packs a stripper’s bare asscrack with crushed ice and then pees in it.

Singapore Sting: Pacman does not abide by Asian strippers. Should one ever cross his path, he will lure her closer with promises of cash tips, only to then give her a single, hard flick to the clitoris.

Sand Dollar: When a stripper performs in a way that Pacman finds unsatisfactory, he will smear a dollar with a unique mixture of obscure 80’s toy Magic Sand and his own excrement and jam it in the stripper’s armpit.

Ectoplasm: A homemade concoction consisting primarily of antifreeze, maple syrup, and any leftover malt liquor from the previous evening. Pacman sneaks very large jugs of Ectoplasm into clubs and will fill an empty glass with it whenever a stripper asks him to buy him a drink. Occasionally, he will add just a jigger of GHB.

Pacman Water Torture: Should a stripper find herself alone with Jones, he will pin her down and perform the old grade school trick of letting a long line of drool dangle over the stripper’s face until he sucks it back up at the last minute. Though, often, Jones will simply let the drool fall and then punch the stripper in the throat.

The Cifaretto: Named after Joe Pantoliano’s character on “The Sopranos”, this maneuver involves Pacman bashing a stripper’s head against a traffic barrier until she is dead.

The “Derek”: Named after Robert Downey Jr’s character in “Back to School”, Pacman often brings a pocket mirror with him to strip clubs. When a stripper is about to perform a difficult maneuver, he will reflect the light into the stripper’s eyes just so. Hilarity ensues.

The Seafood Gumbo: Like many West Virginians, Pacman is an avid collector of his own vomit. Using a funnel, he will pipe the vomit into water balloons and lob them at any stripper over 120 lbs.

The Spanish Prisoner: If a Latino stripper approaches Pacman, he will grab her breasts and squeeze them as hard as he possibly can. The goal is to get them to burst or to reach 20 seconds, whichever comes first. Pacman keeps his fingernails extra long specifically for this trick.

The Pacman Chomp: This is self-explanatory.

The Pelican Brief: When a stripper fellates Pacman in a private enclave, he will often stick his penis under the stripper’s tongue, and then press down as hard as he can, causing the stripper’s lower jaw to take on a pelican shape.

The Foul Pole: Pacman will sneak into clubs before opening and spray a single pole with a special silicone lubricant. Bets are then placed on which stripper will be the first to discover it.

The Tsunami: Any time Pacman drowns three or more Asian strippers in his bathtub. (Ufford came up with this one)

The Electric Earthquake Pacman tasers a stripper, usually until heart failure. (Ufford)

True Shocker: A new take on a modern classic. Pacman simply replaces his pinky with a cattleprod. (UM, perhaps inspired by the Wes Craven film?)

Your own suggestions welcome in the comments.


Weed Against Speed said...

The Quaker: Pacman hides five one dollar bills in a kiddie pool full of oatmeal. The first five strippers to find said dollar bills are punched in the face. They also have to give back the dollar bills - they were for other strippers.

Unknown said...

Storm of the Century (a variation of Making It Rain): Pacman and his crew slip razor blades, rusty nails, used condoms, little packets of anthrax disguised as cocaine (a.k.a. Strip-tonite), dead stripper parts and various other hazardous materials in with the dollar bills being thrown on stage. The idea is to leave no survivors.

One of Many Lisas said...

What, no Pacman's Pussybasket?

Vee said...

Bret Easton Ellis writes for KSK now? Wha?

Gentlewhoadie Apt One said...


This is fucked up.

P.S. Pacman stole the Sno-Cone from me. I mean...No he didn't.

Mike said...

The Burma Shave: Southeast Asian stripper + medium-rare NY Strip + well-honed steak knife. Adds all new meaning to The Landing Strip.

becky said...

I didn't get past "Pacman Sno-Cone" before I almost choked on my Poland Spring. (water, not bottle- pervs.)

Pacman Sneak = Successful removal of dead strippers from the club and the following disposal of said dead strippers.

Trader Rick said...

Ms Pacman: Pacman proposes to a stripper, then punches her in the face repeatedly for being a stripper.

Weed Against Speed said...

The Acting Out The Scene From Very Bad Things In The Hotel Bathroom: In Pacman's world, Friday nights.

mamacita said...

Yeah, Becky -- that's about as far as I got, too.

Is everything okay at home, Big Daddy? Anything you, uh, want to talk about?

Otto Man said...

The Trickle Down Theory: Pacman litters the floor with singles, and while the strippers are on their hands and knees, pees all over them.

Grimey said...

The Power Pellets: Pacman does four consecutive shots of Patron, then chases four exotic dancers around the strip club. For each one he headbutts, he gets an escalating dollar amount ($200, $400, $800, and $1600).

Weed Against Speed said...

The Tom Mees:...

I can't do it.

BeaverFever said...

i'd be willing to bet that the homemade concoction of Ectoplasm also contains grape flavored cough syrup.

Weed Against Speed said...

The John Amaechi: While entertaining some strippers in his hotel room, Pacman hides, then comes out of the closet. Subsequently, Pacman gets a book deal and ESPN personalities praise him for his "courage".

Unsilent Majority said...

weed- i cried when Tom Mees died and i'm not ashamed to admit it.

Jordan Ginsberg said...

The Sex Cannon: Pacman batters a stripper with a seemingly endless onslaught of his balls until she surrenders Fort Sumter and/or her anus.

Weed Against Speed said...

Unsilent - and nor should you be ashamed. I intended it to be a preemptive strike before someone beat me to it. Tom Mees was awesome.

The Navigator said...

The Delta Force: Pacman bangs a stripper from behind, then shoots her twice in the back of the head.

Jordan Ginsberg said...

The Office: Pacman sets up a video camera and gives it a wide-eyed smirk while encasing a woman's amputated labia in jello.

Signal to Noise said...

Road Rash - Pacman gets a lap dance and a fuck in the driver's of his customized Caddy, then cuffs/ties the stripper to the front door handle and takes off at 80 mph.

Christmas Ape said...

Skeet Legal Pacman instructs his attorney to have the stripper sign a waiver before he blasts her in the face, then attempts to remove the cum with his fist.

Burnsy said...

The Pacman Puppet Show - Pacman uses his right fist to sodomize a Puerto Rican stripper and his left fist to invade an Asian stripper's womb and then has them beat each other to death as he makes funny voices for each of them, all while drinking a glass of Donaghy Estates.

Mevs said...

IF it weren't making fun of a black man, this thing would get a nobel piece prize. Or a sand dollar.

Burnsy said...

Yes, because then Scoop would remind us how horrible we are. And TSG would remind us how horrible Scoop is. And then Jemele Hill would declare it's strap-on time and they'd call her Ms. Pacman.

Grimey said...

Floyd Reese, Tennessee Titans GM: My god. That's horrible and disgusting. What's it called?

Pacman Jones: The Aristocrats!

Communist Dan said...

Spaghetti and Meatballs: Pacman lures an Italian stripper over to him and proceeds to get a lap dance. While her back is turned, Pacman takes a shoelace out of his pocket and strangles her until her eyes pop out of the sockets.

Moof! said...

It's a little known fact, but Pacman actually did recover the $81,000 the rained. He's invested it in his new passion,

He's filming in the videos.
The Asian fellow at the end stole that from Pacman, that was the last time he did a clap pushup while fucking a Asian stripper in the ass.

Suss said...

Which of these to Gene Upshaw are considered strikes?

Jez said...

I thought felatio was spelled with just one "l."

Raskolnikov said...

The Vilnius Vault

Pacman takes a running start at a standing Lithuanian stripper and jumps at her head so that his fully erect dick enters her mouth and he shoots a V2 Rocket down her throat.

Dat RoRo Kid said...

The Stringer Bell: Pacman visits Office Depot, buys a small box of Jumbo Paper Clips, Pacman proceeds to manually stretch them all out, Pacman allows them to rust for several days while they sit outside in the rain, Pacman visits stripclub, Pacman uses each one for a different stripper as he proceeds to wrap the now linear paper clip around the strippers clitoris several times, Pacman continues to tighten the paper clip until clit is torn off.

BeaverFever said...

wow, some of these comments have been disturbing to say the least. weird day here at KSK between the Terry Schaivo post and this PacMan post including new ways to abuse strippers.

Unsilent Majority said...

Strippers aren't people

One of Many Lisas said...

I'm not sure what this says about me as a woman, but I find this post highly entertaining.

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

My bachelor party is this weekend, I am hoping that pacman will make an appearance.

Rob I said...

Funny how Robert Downey Jr's character had a pocket mirror with him at all times.

SteelCitySoldier said...

The Champ's Chocolate Squirrel: Pacman chugs bottle or two of Cristal then defecates different animal shapes to throw at strippers, and then spears them with trident.

Unknown said...

Pacman's Blue Ribbon Buffet: Pin a stripper to the floor. He and his buddies down a six pack, then form a single-file line with Pacman as caboose. They take turns pissing into the prostrate stripper's mouth until the grand finale when Pacman finishes her off with a deuce to the face, topped off with a small cross made out of 2 one dollar bills (which is left there just long enough to take a picture for the Pacman's Bitches Wall of Fame at his crib, Mooseknuckle Manor, in Memphis).

Walklett said...

The Schaivo Surprise:

Pacman beats a bitch until she's on life-support, bangs her, then pulls the plug.

Weed Against Speed said...

That is true about strippers, but remember what Max Weinberg said about hookers in his public service announcement:

"Hey, when you're out there having fun, remember, hookers are
people too. Say, 'thank you' when you're done."

Jordan Ginsberg said...

The Combine: A complex maneuver including ...

-- The Standing Broad Jump (Pacman finds a broad just standing there, jumps her)

-- The 40 Yard Dash (Pacman straps her into a rickshaw, whips her while she runs)

-- The Three-Cone Drill (Did you say "cone"? Because Pacman read "hole")

-- Position-specific Drills (Specific positions to be determined)

-- The Wonderlic Test (Pacman eats three pounds of suicide buffalo wings, administers cunnilingus until woman's vagina bursts into flames)

And finally,

-- Injury Assessment (If she's still breathing, repeat as necessary)

flubby said...

The Firestarter: Pacman smacks flames out of the stripper's ass.

Anonymous said...

if this does not get me an account nothing will.

The Deadspin rap

Toghether we mourn the loss of peter king, he died in a tragic accident involving tony romo and annoiting oil.

The last speaker will be known as the future of the internet.
Deadspin please step up .

Deadpsin here to spit the truth
it don;t take no sleuth to see that espn is as old as ruth
its time for a change for the blog to rise
on these day after peter king dies
no more monday moring qb
deadspin and ksk is all for me

The enemy list may be long and the language used may be naughty
but were the first sight to tell you why hardaway never had an interview with mariotti
now listen as we break it down man by man through the wwl
the problems with each person we wil tell

sean salsbury where do i beign
do you only break out little sean when the vikings win
or is it for everday of the week monday right on through
and by the way we all know you said jew

stephen a thank god you are gone
now i will no longer be kept up till dawn
wondering whether coach k eats poodles
or how much you love cheese doodles.

dickie v
duke bees coach k is fucking me
duke sucks and everyone hates it so maybe you should reakize maybe
that everyone wants you to r-e-t-i-r-e baby.

deadspin and ksk
where comments run all day
where you can stay up all night
and on your wii have will leitch playing right
where we are here everyday no matter the wheather
and we’re always with leather

don;t think i forgot about you sexy rexy the sex cannon
i would rather have your stories than any pussy ass rich gannon
no dump off passes in this rap im going deep al day
and while i batting i better not be watched by carl monday

but before i go on i have to get to the sprts guy
no when you first started writing you were mad fly
but now u one cocky whiny bitching boston prick who we just want to die
did u see those comments that day bet they made you want to cry

I hope the sports gal has a good time with harold reynolds
he did hug her too hard so far as i am tolds
good god tahts will leitch music
now billy i;m done with you so you can get back on bradys dick

now last but certanitly not least
berman who is clearly the meast
the man who had been nice for 20 years
who one sentence can bring to tears
the man who loves tj
in a safe way
your rumblin stumblin fumblin grumblin
but ywml has your public rep tumblin

deadspin and ksk
where comments run all day
where you can stay up all night
and on your wii have will leitch playing right
where we are here everyday no matter the wheather
and we are always with leather

you may ask who is bringing you this news
and yes sean i am one of those “jews”
but who i am does not make a difference
i do not answer to a site that makes me wicne

i make it rain like pacman

Anonymous said...

this is also completely off topic but what the hell is simmons implying

The Kevin Durant Era has reached the point where I watch every Texas game with my TV room covered in protective plastic

uhm what?

Weed Against Speed said...

Dr. Doom is trying to get a commenter invite from Deadspin by writing a poem/rap? That's so cute.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

uh its supposed to be a rap but as im white well call it a poem.

Weed Against Speed said...

Yeah I thought it was a rap but I didn't want to offend if it was some sort of blogger version of Howl.

Unsilent Majority said...

I saw the best bloggers of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked,
dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn looking for an angry fix,

Weed Against Speed said...

Thankfully someone understood the Howl reference. Alas, I will never again doubt the enlightened minds that post and comment on KSK, other than my own.

Mike said...

No. That was Jordan Ginsberg posting earlier.

By the way, "Negro Streets" is what Pacman Jones thinks will result if he gets his way with Picabo.

runningbyrd said...

I'm a little confused as to why he's posting something to get an invite to deadspin here.

5150cd said...

The Derek, simply fucking classic.

Anonymous said...

I figured it was the best place since ksk runs deadspin anyway.

The peyton manning. grab stirpper get bouncers attention, do bouncer.

the tommy lasorda: uh never mind

the chris henry: where jersey while raping stripper

the ray lewis: rape 2 strippers forget about it proclaim yourself g-ds linebacker, dance. rinse repeat.

Anonymous said...

i promise never to do it again.

Dr. Doom

gadget will get his.

gone said...

Honestly, I got nothing to top what has been written here. But Grimey, +10 on your Aristocrats joke; that was fucking hysterical.

the butler said...

The Pelican Brief...holy shit that's funny.

"The Line" - spell out "Pacman" in cursive with cocaine on a glass a stripper over (real close) to watch you bump it up, then right when you finish the "n" raise up and catch the bitch in the nose with your head.

20ME said...

Missile Command--Pacman and two mates station themselves at the left wall, right wall, and center of the strip club. Whenever a stripper enters through one of the back curtains, Pacman and mates begin blasting her. Points go to whoever's on the side where the stripper's body falls.

Frogger--Pacman sends strippers scampering across the 12 lanes of I-75 in downtown Nashville. Bonus points for causing multicar pileups.

Asteroids--Pacman leaps into a spaceship, flies into outer space, blasts asteroids to bits, destroys the occasional UFO, saves the earth a dozen times over.

And his spaceship runs on the blood of strippers.

Otto Man said...

My old man has asteroids. Gets 'em so bad sometimes he can't even sit on the toilet.

Josh said...

Honeysuckle: Pacman pays Winnie the Pooh to impregnate a stripper while he videotapes the action. Nine months later the stripper gives birth to a hideous bear-child, but also begins lactating delicious golden honey. Pacman re-enacts Ohio Players album cover.

Senor Beavis said...

> blogger version of Howl

Pacman. Pacman. Cocksucker Pacman ...

Trader Rick said...

Lock-Down Corner: Pacman corners a stripper with a bag of master locks and "makes it rain" until she falls down.

mandy said...

The Bald Eagle: Pacman finds a female patron at a strip club, forcibly removes her clothes, then proceeds to individually pluck out all of her pubic hairs with his teeth. He then "makes it rain" with her short and curlys and throws her onstage where she must work the pole for him.

Anonymous said...

the mihcael vick: pacman hides his women in a water bottle, then marcus stomps on her.

the romo, pacman pours annointing oil down the strippers throught until she dies, he the gives dead body to drew bennet cause thats how drew likes em. (or so i am told)

Landru said...

Aw. You really are a Terps fan at heart, aren't cha?

Weed Against Speed said...

Drdoom, I hate being the one to bust your chops, but, huh?

Mike said...

The French Connection: Pacman goes to a gay strip club without showering or deodorant, immediately surrenders to 12-Pack.