Thursday, March 1, 2007

This Week’s KSK Mock Draft: TV Characters We’d Like to Murder

Each week leading up to the draft, we at KSK will be holding a mock draft of our own in the category of our choosing. This week, it’s TV characters we would like to kill or have killed. I’ll be honest. There are a lot of Millenesque picks in here. You probably won’t respect us as much after this. Especially UM.

The rules here: Only one character per show, and fictional characters only (which pissed off Ape, who wanted to pick Tiny Fey so badly he could taste her coy flesh.

Round 1, Pick 1, Drew - Carrie Bradshaw, Sex & The City
I fucking hate this show. I fucking hate every vile cunt on it, each of whom reminded me of my ex-girlfriend in some fashion. When Mrs. Drew watched, I had to leave the room. One time I stayed and watched Kim Cattrall’s character stare up at a firefighter and say:

“Hello, 911! I’m on fire!”

Hey, that’s clever writing! Sarah Jessica’s character was the worst – a needy, self-absorbed pile of shit who thought she had deep things to say and was nothing more than a dumb shithead. I’d send Joey Porter’s dogs on her. Actually, judging by her appearance, that already happened.

Round 1, Pick 2, UM – Tony Soprano, The Sopranos

UM’s logic? “Then I get to be the baddest motherfucker in town!” What a stupid pick. It’s obvious that, like the Jets, UM has no idea what the draft is all about.

Round 1, Pick 3, MMP – Jack Bauer, 24

“UM might hate me for saying this, but this is the dumbest fucking show on television. Magic cellphones, guns that never run out of bullets, massive plot holes. I guess these things are easy to miss when you're high. Or illiterate. But I take solace in the fact that once Bauer is gone, this show is fucking history.”

My take? Another awful pick. This was supposed to be a draft where we kill annoying characters, and here we are offing two badasses in a row. I was surprised Sonny Crockett didn’t come next.

Round 1, Pick 4, flubby – Jim, The Office

“That guy is a neurotic wuss. He couldn't close the deal wit Pam when she was drunk and practically begging for it. He wouldn't get laid in women's prison with a fist full of pardons. He is beneath my contempt.”

And that’s saying a lot, since flub is a lawyer. HEY-O!!!!!

Round 1, Pick 5, Ape – Joey Tribbiani, Friends

“Absolutely loathe this show and would delight in seeing any of its
cast members barbarically slaughtered. I'll take Matt LeBlanc's
character because he never did anything remotely funny and had a
horrible spin-off.”

I would’ve picked Ross.

Round 1, Pick 6, CC – Meredith Grey, Grey’s Anatomy

“The single most loathsome show since SATC. If doctors really acted like this bunch neurotic, immature jackasses I'd become a Christian Scientist. And are we really supposed to believe that grown men -- attractive, wealthy doctors, even -- are fighting over this skeletal bitch?”

Let me just say here that, as someone who watches this show every week (by force), the worst character of the bunch is Izzy. What a worthless piece of shit. Wah wah, I killed my fiancée. Wah wah, I don’t deserve $8 million! Wah wah, I hate Callie! Wah wah, I like being a do-gooder because I’m a self-absorbed twat! Guhhhhh. Hate her.

Round 2, Pick 1, CC – Ally McBeal, Ally McBeal

“I'm gunning down the anorexic bitches today. Ally McBeal was epically shitty. It aspired to be as shitty as Grey's Anatomy or SATC. The main character was certifiably insane (hallucinating about dancing babies?), and yet the writers of that show insisted she was a desirable character. Um, maybe for an amphibian.”

Agreed. Also, someone tell Aaron Sorkin that Sarah Paulson is the opposite of attractive.

Round 2, Pick 2, Ape – Lois Lane, The New Adventures of Superman

“Mainly I'm doing this so I can kill Teri Hatcher before Desperate Housewives can be created (or those obnoxious Radio Shack commercials with Howie Long). The character of Lois Lane has always bothered me anyway. She's only marginally above average looking, incredibly self-obsessed, a shitty reporter and possessed of a deluded notion that the only man good enough for her is Superman. High post bitch.”

Round 2, Pick 3, flubby – Jennifer Keaton, Family Ties

“Useless as tits on a boar-hog. Spent the last three seasons saying things like "I'll go check on Andy" and disappearing for the rest of the show.”

Round 2, Pick 4, MMP – Ray Barone, Everybody Loves Raymond

“Total pussy.”

I would’ve killed Debra or the mother, who were both crazy bitches.

Round 2, Pick 5, UM – Rebecca Howe, Cheers

“Sam Malone was never the same.”

Over Diane? See what I mean by Millenesque? This draft is hopeless.

Round 2, Pick 6, Drew – Vanessa Huxtable, The Cosby Show

Oh, you want to sneak out to go see The Wreched? I think not, young
lady! All your plaintive wailing for over a decade on The Cosby Show
earns you a first class ticket to death row. Bitch.

Round 3, Pick 1, Drew – Roseanne Connor, Roseanne

Honestly, who wouldn't want to see Roseanne face down in a ditch?

Round 3, Pick 2, UM – Winnie Cooper, The Wonder Years

“Fucking cocktease kept my boy on the hook for years.”

Yeah, but if Jim from The Office is a pussy, Kevin Arnold makes him
look like fucking Al Swearengen. See my old Douchebag List on FKS.

Round 3, Pick 3, MMP – Marcy D’Arcy, Married.. With Children

“Men don't WANT to become park's not natural.”

Round 3, Pick 4, flubby – Marlo Stanfield, The Wire.

“But only if I got to do it as part of one of the episodes. Then flubby would be the mack of West Bawlmer.

The pudgy, balding white-boy mack of West Bawlmer.”

Round 3, Pick 5, Ape – One of the nameless, dickless Fashion Club hangers-on, Daria.

“Wanted to go with Squiggy from Laverne and Shirley, because I've met him and he was an ass. Having MS doesn't justify it, buddy. Anyway, I'm sure one of these characters has a name and I'm not entirely sure why I watched Daria as much as I did in high school. It was an okay show, I guess. These guys were ahead of the curve on metrosexuality in the '90s, they dressed up, fussed over their hair and plain-faced sucked up to the pretty chicks, who treated them like loathesome flunkies.”

I can’t believe Ape watched Daria.

Round 3, Pick 6, CC – Joey Gladstone, Full House.

“This is the TV show that taught me how to hate. Seriously. I went through all of grade school -- and maybe even a decent portion of junior high -- just pleased with the world, happy to be learning, and watching crappy movies like Howard the Duck without a critical eye. Everything was satisfactory. And then Full House came along... and to this day it makes me homicidal. "Cut. It. Out." How about I snap. Your. Spine. Over my knee like kindling?”

Then CC changed his pick to Turtle from Entourage

“This show is like Sex and the City, but for men. And that's not a good thing. It's a bunch of dipshit fuckstick New Yorkers hanging out with dipshit fuckstick Angelenos. And Turtle is the biggest dipshit fuckstick of them all. What a waste of carbon compounds.”

Then UM demanded to switch out Winnie Cooper for Susie Green.

Then flubby demanded to switch Keaton with HHH, who is technically a fictional character.

Inspector Gadget was also mentioned, as were Brain and Penny (how could one computer book do every fucking thing?).

And then I ended this sure to be controversial draft due to league stupidity. Let's hear it in the comments. We deserve the scorn.


Unsilent Majority said...

Drew, Jack Bauer and Tony Soprano are two of the most annoying people on television. Yeah they're badass but it's gotten old. I want to see both of them with a three inch hole in their heads.

Happy Fun Miles said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Happy Fun Miles said...

What was the character played by the Olsen Twins on Full House? The littlest girl. Michelle? I would have ripped her head off and marched around middle school with it proudly displayed on the tip of a #2 pencil.

I enjoy the thought of killing that small child just a bit too much.

db said...

John Dorian from Scrubs
David Caruso's character from CSI:Miami
That Puerto Rican guy they added in the last few episodes of A-Team
Scrappy Doo

Unsilent Majority said...

If the draft kept going I was all over Tim Watley.

flubby said...

oof, Scrappy Doo

good call, db

Unknown said...

Wendy Testaburger. That bitch cheated on Stan with Token - almost turned Stan into a whiny pussy goth kid.

Signal to Noise said...

When condemning Ally McBeal, let's nor forget the simpering idiots Cage and Fish, who ran the law firm on the show. Up against the wall, motherfuckers.

Also, Allison from Medium -- hope you see this one coming in your dreams.

Otto Man said...

No one wanted to take out Joey Lawrence? I'd have spent my first pick on his "Gimme a Break" bowl-haircuted little douchebag, and then used my second round on his "Blossom" bigger douchebag.

Still, I have to admire CC's takedown of the two worst women ever to defile a television set. Grey looks like she constantly sucks lemons, and McBeal looks like that's the only thing she ate.

Attention Gay Hollywood: Stop fucking with our ladies' minds!

Sh!tShow said...

Jessie Spano from Saved By the bell. A stuck up feminazi bitch who got pissed every time the guys had a well meaning scheme. plus, she wanted to change the cheerleading uniforms to matron outfits from 1900. Raging Whore.

One of Many Lisas said...

I would murder Tony Soprano for the simple reason that the motherfucker needs to take some of his "waste management" money and get his deviated septum worked on.

When he's not running his mouth, all you can hear is the static from his goddamn nasal passages. I wonder if they have a SAG card?

One of Many Lisas said...

Steven Q. Urkel didn't make this list? SHAMEFUL

cameltrader said...

The entire fucking cast of Seinfeld. Bunch of fucking, annoying pussies. Pretentious fucks. Even fucking Kramer.

save the steagles said...

Any man that would kill off Jim is just jealous. A basketball playing, indie music loving, vertically enhanced, fantasy football participant, with healthcare benefits and a sly wit = my dream man.

AdamAnt said...

Frasier Crane the Cheers and Frasier
Horatio Caine (David Caruso) CSI: Miami
Gargamel from the Smurfs

"Hot" Carl Monday said...

While I agree that Sarah Paulson is both not hot and annoying (a lisp is cute when you're a little kid - when you're a grown woman, spring for a fucking speech therapist already), I vote for everyone on that wretched Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip to be brutally murdered by the Manson Family.

And yet there is no mention of Screech, Kevin Arnold's little brother on Boy Meets World (or the teacher for that matter, how the hell does an elementary school teacher keep advancing grades with a class?) or Vinny Delpino.

MDG said...

And my dream is that every beer is given to me in the way your picture suggests.

Ray said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Raskolnikov said...

Jubilee from X-Men - Enough with your shitty teen angst. And your powers suck as well.

Miss Piggy from the Muppet Show - Fuck that bitch for forcing Kermit to go to a RAINN Clinic.

liquid_d said...

Not one mention of a horrid bludgeoning death for the entire cast of the OC ? And what of the beheadings of the two replacement guys on Dukes of Hazard? For shame

Mike said...

I have to say DB shut down the draft with Scrappy Doo. That's like someone getting Joe Montana or Jim Brown in the 5th round. The rest of the teams need to Just. Go. Home.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Scrappy Doo is so iconic as a jump the shark character that taking him would have been, in my opinion, obvious. Everyone hates Scrappy Doo. We were looking for more personal animus.

Ray said...

Cody from Step by Step.

Bulger in My Pants said...

For your consideration:

Clayton Endicott III from Benson
Balki Bartokomous AND Cousin Larry
Those oaf bastards who lived outside of Fraggle Rock
Carol Seaver
Captain Kangaroo

Dat RoRo Kid said...

Fuck. THERE'S JUST SO MANY TO KILL!!!! Definitely Ross from 'Friends'. I hate that fuck. He looks like this guy my ex used to date for a while. I hated him too.

And no one says 'Ziggy' from The Wire: Season Two??? No one??? Buncha fuckin' Sobotkas....

Unknown said...

Why would you kill off Screech? He was the funniest character on the show.

Ray said...

Nicky from Fresh Prince. That little fucker drove me crazy.

"Hot" Carl Monday said...

I also forgot about Crystal Bernard on Wings.

Hercules Rockefeller said...

Either of the homos from Fraiser.

Street's cripple-buddy from Friday Night Lights.

The entire cast of Studio 60.

The mom from 6 feet under.


Ray said...

I forgot about Wings completely.

the butler said...

This one could've gone 10 rounds.

Brandon Walsh, and all his gay 90210 friends.

Murphy fucking Brown.

Tim "the tool" Taylor.

All of the Golden Girls except the oldest one, Sophia, who was always slamming on everyone else. She actually should be the one to kill the other bitches.

the butler said...

Bulger in my pants:

Nice call on Balki- he might have been my #1 pick.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Murphy Brown is a great call.

Also, if you're gonna take a Soprano, you have to take Janice.

The Ghosts said...

Violet - Screech's girlfriend(played by Tori Spelling) from Saved by the Bell.

Topanga from "Boy Meets World." Did she ever get fat towards the end?

Otto Man said...

Oh, yeah. Janice Soprano for sure. She should be bludgeoned with a tray of baked ziti and then left for dead in a park.

Anonymous said...

Marissa from the OC

oh wait scratch that.

Sports Guy, from sports guy's world.... stab him through the heart with peton mannings mvp trophy after he and kenny used it as a kinky toy.Or smother him in a larry bird jersey ( o wait that is his sexual fantasy.)

The Ghosts said...

Vicki - the robot chick from "Small Wonder"

The Navigator said...

How about Wilson on Home Improvement?

The whole "not showing your face" joke went on about 8 years too long.

Hercules Rockefeller said...

Must refresh before posting.

Bulger in My Pants said...

Vicki - the robot chick from "Small Wonder"

And the brother Jamie, the mother, the father and those dumbass neighbors, too.

T. said...

Mimi from The Drew Carey Show;
Cobra Commander from G.I. Joe;
Dennis Franz from NYPD Blue;
George Clooney on ER;
Bull from Night Court.

Tea Blogger said...

Jack and Charlie from Lost,
All the lady basketball players from Hang Time,
Danny Tanner

The Ghosts said...

The entire cast from "California Dreams" mainly Sly.

Bailey Salinger from "Party of Five"

"Hot" Carl Monday said...

I completely forgot about Six on Blossom

Laser Rocket Arm said...

No question--George Costanza on Seinfeld. To this day all I have to do is hear his annoying whiny voice on one of the endless fucking reruns and I want to take a pickax and drive it through his head until his brains splatter the walls.

And even though she's not fictional, if I could do that to Rachael Ray as well I would consider my life's work done.

doug_plank said...

MacGyver, the guy is a roach.

Grimey said...

Steagles: Seriously, I'm like 6 for 6 on that list.

It's just too bad you're 12.

Anonymous said...

If you kill mcgeyver the aarp will destroy you.

Oh no thats matlock...

We should kill mcgyver with a shoe box some tape and a retainer...

Billy said...

Either of the homos from Fraiser.

I laughed because this doesn't refer to openly gay dad...

1. Judge Judy
2. Mom from Raymond
3. Mimi from Drew Carey

swing4 said...

Seriously, 54 comments and not one person has mentioned Mitch Buchannon yet?

A.J. said...

Fucking AC Slater, everyone knows he was the biggest scumbag that ever lived...I can't even tell you how many dirtbaglines he had on that show, always tryna dick over preppi.

Zack: Slater, How much of that did you hear?
Slater: Enough to ruin you and kelly, forever.

DougOLis said...

In all fairness, Jim is banging a hotter chick than Pam now so you gotta give him props for that.

lauren said...

the baby from dinosaurs

gone said...


I would kill Elmo. The rest of Seasame Street was doing just fine without him.

And the big fat creatures in Fraggle Rock were called the Gorgs.

Crapass said...

I was always hoping that the series finale of Dinosaurs would be a giant asteroid striking the Earth somewhere in the Yucatan and killing all those motherfuckers off
I hated that god damned show.

The first four rounds of my draft would have been the Dinosaurs baby, both Dan and Casey from Sports Night, and then Whoopi Goldberg.

Wait, now I'm being told Whoopi Goldberg is a real person. Nevermind, then.

Unknown said...

Captain Caveman - because he admittedly watches Grey's Anatomy. He is a TV character, so it counts.

Also, Joey Lawrence. That herb never should have happen. When 3,000 AD rolls around, the most important task in the world will be to go back in time and erase all traces of Joey Lawrence from the annals of history. Like they did with Mark Craster.

Finally: who had beef with Inspector Gadget? I'll debate you one on two (as long as two ain't Big Daddy Drew) on the merits of Inspector Gadget. Go go gadget beatdown....

The G Perspective said...

I know he's not a tv character but can we kill Jim Jones. That's the guy who sings that terrible NOT-rap song ballin. I want that song buried in the hot Nevada desert.

Mike said...

Everyone hates Scrappy Doo. We were looking for more personal animus.

I see. Like a fantasy league where no one can draft Tomlinson, because whoever gets him will win.

In that case, for my cartoon character kill, I choose Godzookie.

Vee said...



Otto Man said...

I would kill Elmo. The rest of Seasame Street was doing just fine without him.

The Onion News podcast had an episode you'd like titled "Muppeteer's Hand in Critical Condition after Elmo Assassination Attempt."

It's worth it just to hear the high-pitched whine of "Elmo's been shot! Elmo's been shot!

BeaverFever said...

Anyone from "Will And Grace". Talk about a show I had to leave the when the wife was watching it.

Also, Andrea Zuckerman from Beverly Hills 90210. Self-righteous bitch.

Honorable mention:Skippy from Family Ties. Total tool.

Jacob Bennett said...

You guys get a crack at all the annoying TV characters in the history of the world, and Jim and Turtle go in the first three rounds?

I shake my head. This isn't going to help my case, but by the way, I'd totally do Kimmy Gibbler.

jackin'4beats said...

Can't kill off Six from Blossom since she was one of the first to be a round booty white girl. WHERE DA WHITE CHICKS AT???

I would completely kill Blossom - looks like a young Sarah Jessica...and Jordan Cavanaugh from Crossing Jordan. That bitch is enough to make me want to reach into the screen and show her how strong my pimp hand is.

Noyam said...

How do you take Joey from Friends, when you can take Joey from Joey, and open up one of the other Friends?

That's bad draft strategy.

Unless you were gonna take the whiny nephew from Joey, in which case why take Ross-lite when you can take Ross?

3000 said...

One. Tiny Fey? Whaaaaah?

And two. Eff that, she's awesome.

cameltrader said...

Hawkins...Agent Zero would like a word with you.

Lou Pickney said...

Puddy from Seinfeld.

3000 said...

Jim - According to Jim;
Doug - King of Queens;

Pretty much every tv fat guy with a hot wife. Nobody fucking believes it.

Big AL said...

the entire cast of MASH. and since its the same show only more retarded; the entire cast of scrubs.

Lisa said...

Sarah Paulson likes the ladies, if you know what I mean. And I think you do.

And it's making you hot.

Craig said...

Doogie Howser, M.D.

Chilly Jackwater said...

Mr. Drummond - can you imagine the wool Willis & Arnold would have pulled if they had the run of that place? Take about "Diff'rent Fucking Strokes."

Edna Garrett - can you imagine the wool Jo Paulnecyzxzyzck would have pulled if she had the runn of that place?

Derek Jeter

Matt said...

John Madden, No one has ever graced the small screen and more oft convinced me of my need to bore out my cranial cavity with a 12 gauge shotgun. It's bad when you want to kill the TV personality, it's worse when that person is so maddening (pardon the fucking pun) that it makes you want to commit harri karri due to your association with the same species. AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!

Steve said...

Arvid Engen from Head of the Class
Starscream from Transformers
Mike Seaver from Growing Pains

Otto Man said...

I can't believe no one's mentioned Cousin Oliver from the "Brady Bunch."

That little John Denver Mini-Me deserved to die on his own rights, but he also inspired a tradition of bringing on cute little kids when sitcoms hit their last throes.

Take him down, and you never even have to worry about Raven Simone on the Cosby Show.

Mike said...

OM - Gimme the weapon, and I volunteer my child-killing services. That little punk-ass bitch was worse than Arnold & Willis's annoying, cracker step-brother (Sam?) & his mother combined.

In fact, I'll take out all three for the price of one.

Otto Man said...

Sam. Yep, he was a direct descendant of Cousin Oliver.

Just checked out IMDB. They insist that Sam was only on one episode. Can that be possible? Did he suck so much it seemed to go on for ages?

Mike said...

No way. He must've been on 300 episodes. Or 3,000.

Unknown said...

Corky from Life Goes On

Mr Furious said...

Chaka and the retarded cavemen on "Land of the Lost" -- more play-doh dinosaurs and sleestaks, please.

Ah, screw it. The T-Rex can have Marshall, Will and Holly too. All dinos and sleestaks!


I'm with Otto and Mike, Oliver goes down. Hard.


Any character played by David Caruso. CSI's Horatio with extreme prejudice.

Mike said...

Chaka was a disaster. Good call.