Tuesday, March 27, 2007

100 Future NFL Player Names

If you haven’t filled out your brackets over at the Name of the Year blog, you’d best do it in a hurry. Me, I picked Vanilla Dong to take it all, with bonus points for irony if Vanilla Dong is a black person. Inspired by that blog, and by John Hodgman’s 700 hobo names, I’ve compiled a handy list of 100 future NFL stars. These are players who do not exist yet. So, should you find yourself giving birth to a future All-Pro, feel free to partake from this list. Just be sure you use Bigdaddydrew for a middle name.

-Whip Jensen
-Thunderstick Cherry
-#1 Pinckney
-Frankincense Cornell
-Asswipe Johnson
-Peytonmanning Manning
-ESPNClassic Bailey
-Gandalf Jackson
-Colt Schmuck
-Snatch Tucker
-Tucker Snatch
-Dracula Washington IV
-James “Assboulders” Jameson
-Campbell’s Chunky New England Clam Chowder McNabb
-Heroin Marinovich
-Ding Dong
-Iron Douglas
-Freebird Skynyrd Mayweather
-Leather Berman
-Sexualize Funtime
-FUBU Jefferson
-FUBU Wright
-FUBU Babyphat Nelson
-D’Var’Shon’Ex Dellacroix
-Unytas Thompson
-Irresistible Force Garrison
-Immovable Object Garrison
-Sexcannon Cammon
-Puddingcan Vick
-Highlife Morgan
-Qock Dergan
-Arcade McNown
-Majestic Stevens
-Deez Nutz Carlson
-Pale Rider Ufford
-Taylortyler Reese
-Haterationiswrong Loverman
-DeVry Hickenlooper
-Wutang Clanton
-Lean Kiel
-Metal Gear Solid Varney
-iPod Lowenstein
-iTunes Music Store Lowenstein
-Sword Swanson
-Magiccock Blaster Kim
-Fuckgisele Brady-Moynahan
-‘Ggyuonn (pronounced John) Nelligan
-Chattanooga Choochoo
-Defies Categorization Yukendo
-Budweiser Hot Seat Smith
-Mr. Tibbs Tibbs
-Quizshow Redding
-Touch The Sky Cioffi
-Frantz Underpantz Besen
-Seanito Salibury
-KFC Jones
-Allterrainvehicle Farley
-Mary Beth King
-Pharris Bueller Bueller
-Raped Zimmer
-Anti-Vincent Vincent
-Beastieboy Gregory
-Gatorade Frost Kingston
-Glandular Problem Brown
-Eyenstein Theismann
-Tarquin Flimbim Limbim Bustop Fetang Fetang Ole Biscuitbarrel
-Dictionary Encyclopedia Phelps
-Purpleone Savior Wilson
-Grade A Huber
-Magic Hat No. 9 Fischer
-Sociology Professor Dickson
-Volt McCumber
-Doctor Asstap Harden
-Fabian Darian IV Hibbert IV
-Blackie Lawless
-Levi Dockers Jones
-Tarantula Adams
-Milkdud Carter
-I Ain’t Signing Shit (or IASS) Gibbons
-Jamesbond Schwatrz
-Anquandejuandanteantwan Farrelly
-! Morris
-Chevy Tahoe Vardell
-Duke Of York Bonger
-Scooter Cooter
-Has2fuck Garrison
-Ray “Christ” Lewis Jr.
-Auschwitz Derringer (excellent sprinter)
-Playa Player
-Hypnotiq Van de Kamp
-Grandtheftauto Vicecity Lorring
-Myspace Fellatio
-Crown Royal
-Britny Fox
-Megatron Vampira
-Kingofpop 2.0 Quinnipiac
-Eczema Phillips
-Topgun Simmons
-Git-r-done McMasters

This list clearly needs improvement. Yours in the comments.


John S. said...

hennessyandcoke smith

Chuckles said...

As an added bonus, several of these names can also be used as names for future acts of sexual depravity performed by future NFL players. In fact, I've already tried the Chattanooga Choochoo and ended up walking with a limp for two weeks. Probably because I'm not NFL material.

MyBoysAreMyLife said...

Sniffaline Witthahoes

flubby said...

Doodad Sensimilla

Unsilent Majority said...

Auschwitz Derringer


BeaverFever said...

NOTY is a great blog, i voted for Intelligent Infinite Botts. also, ironic becuase the guy is not very intelligent.

more future names:
Syzurp Sippin
Nosmo King
Makit Rain Jones

Otto Man said...

Asswipe Johnson

One of the great SNL moments. "It's pronounced Az-wee-pay! AZ-WEE-PAY!"

Unknown said...

Tupac Featuring Biggie

Anonymous said...

You beat me to it, Otto. Well played.

"The Nate Rockne story. Hey Nate, win one for the Gipper! NA-AAAAATE!!!"

"Hello little Bjardkirk. Yeah, that's a tough name to crack."

Anonymous said...

Future WNBA star Persephone Fistblast

Leonard Peltier said...

Wish I could take credit for it, but my roommate made the biggest lineman ever in Madden '04 and named him what else? JT Eatbaby.

Anonymous said...

Felch Manning

Doublehead Smoot

and his cousin Jadoublehead Smoot III

Redhead said...

I'm going to go with Richard "Dick" Longfellow.

Hey, slightly off the topic, but did anyone else know there was a place called Fucking, Australia?

Unsilent Majority said...

Turducken O'Bryan

Unsilent Majority said...

I always liked the way Korova Milkbar rolls off the tongue.

Otto Man said...

The comedian Louie C.K. had a nice bit about wanting to name his first child "Ladies and Gentlemen," just so he could sound formal when yelling at him. "Ladies and Gentlemen, please be seated! Ladies and Gentlemen, it's time to start!"

I didn't know about Fucking, Australia, but I have been to Big Bone Lick State Park in Ohio.

Dat RoRo Kid said...

I'm all about Dauntravious Thomas. Future starting DE for Florida A&M.

MyBoysAreMyLife said...

Isn't there a Jorvorski (forget last name) on the Texas A&M football team?

Ted Valentine said...

-Puddinpops Cosby
-Melavaqua (single names are great)
-Abraham Cunningham
-Muhammad Losingbacon
-Xerxes Xcitement
-Malevolence Tyson

MyBoysAreMyLife said...

There's a Scientific Mapp basketball player

Unknown said...

Toehold Knottslanding

moe berg said...

Tonimontanna Poster

Unsilent Majority said...

Exree Hipp approves.

BeaverFever said...

this post has the potential to garner the most comments ever.

there was a sad story of child abuse where i live not to long ago. the kids involved were named hennessy and Xctasy.

also, there is a kid that plays basketball for URI , first name: Parfait !

Otto Man said...

I'm betting some athlete out there emerges with a classical Greek name, like Testicles or Fallopia.

Stuart said...

Stanazolol Merriman
Dog Food Artest

Any name that features a tongue click

wv: vuqvad - what Porky Pig did to Miss Piggy

Unsilent Majority said...

Quo Vadimus

Unsilent Majority said...

Measty Q. Furburger!

i win.

MyBoysAreMyLife said...

Sonja Cameltoe

Otto Man said...

Brick Tamlin

MyBoysAreMyLife said...

Lacy Underalls

My Insignificant Life said...

Testes Been Arrestes

My Insignificant Life said...

Whitey D. Blackman

Jose K'n See

Bonds B'n Made

Bonds B'n Denied

BeaverFever said...

just saw the blackie lawless refernece on the list. nice, although WASP was never really that good of a band.

Paul Bentz said...

Roy Jones Junior Jr.

Mohammed Mufasa Smith

Noname Jones (pronounces no-nah-meh)

Bone Thuggs

MyBoysAreMyLife said...

Drew Rosendouche

Anonymous said...

fetus head miller

bill simmons is a massive deusch ________

ron mexico paige

woody paige is a pice of journalistic shit arenas

BeaverFever said...

Kristal Champagne Drinker
Rusty Kuntz (i know he was a baseball player)

Don't You Judge Me said...

Placenta Jones

MyBoysAreMyLife said...

Gay Miserableotti

Otto Man said...

Buck Turgidson

Unsilent Majority said...

Milkdud Carter

Eric Snow takes offense.

Unknown said...

All of the listed names would be right at home in this futureworld where names like "Lexus" and "Frito" are common... "Idiocracy"

GHABB,Y~! said...

Perenium Rodriguez
Space "Doc" King
Billy Goatse
Harold Taint
Wolfgang Van Halen

Anonymous said...

Oddibe "Scrubber" Chode

MyBoysAreMyLife said...

Kal-el Coppola
Fifi Trixibelle
Peaches Honeyblossom
Tiger Lily Heavenly Hirani
Rainbow Joan of Arc
Audio Science
Sage Moon Blood

fallex said...

Too bad UNC's Jaworski Pollack (p.s. he's black) didn't make the league.

fallex said...

Something funny about the name Biggus Dickus?

BeaverFever said...


Jovorski Lane plays for Texas A&M.

i'd love to know how his mom came up with that name.

Otto Man said...

Nice work on Kal-El Coppola. And ironic, given that his Dad played the aforementioned Asswipe Johnson on SNL.

For my final bet, I'm going with Vagina Dentata.

jackin'4beats said...

I hate this new blogger. Re-posting my comment from 2 hours ago:

There's a Scientific Mapp basketball player.

He's the younger brother of Majestic Mapp who went to UVA and transferred to a really small school after his knee surgery didn't take. Was supposed to be the next great point guard from NYC.

How about these gems:

Queef McManus
Lemonjello Jenkins
Q'unique (pronounced UNIQUE) O'Tierney
Luc Richard Mbah a'Moute (wait that's taken)
Duany Duany (that's taken too? SHIT!)

OK...Peaches Eisenbaum...it could happen.

Anonymous said...

Isn't Vagina Dentata the name of the unreleased Police album?

MyBoysAreMyLife said...

+1 burnsy

MissTrade said...

Robin T. Hood and the T. stands for The

Anonymous said...

winner and loser obrien ( taken.)

pimp (boy) johnson

def. maurice clarret jr.

Anonymous said...

jon amae.......

what the fuck jeff garcia just walked in and smacked me with a rainbow banner.

Mayor McRib said...

Hyundai Jenkins
Xbox Jones
Dos Tres Williams
Misteke Smith
Juan Mexico

Deleterious said...

For the Jews: L'Hadlik Nair
For fans of Boyz 'n tha Hood:
Deleterious Styles
Because "Lavurnues" is pronounced "LaVernious": Shithead Wallace (pronounced "Sha-THEED")
For gourmands/Philly residents: LeBeck Finn
For the Jews, Part II: Oyvetta Jefferson
For a dual career in the NFL and the San Fernando Valley: Jack Mahogany
Great Name, Lousy State, Deserves Resurrection: Lord De La Warr
For No Damn Reason:
Vengeance McAfee
Alfredo Titsoon
Vomitus Blankenship
Eldorado Feinberg
Syphylettus Taylor
M'Hogg Al-Dente
Karen Carpenter

Unknown said...

Koala Leaf - nickname "Eucalyptus"

Josh Drimmer said...

Pacman Jones Johnson. The second.

David said...

Chlamydia Fitzwilliams

Deleterious said...

Urethra Franklin
Scud Patriot
Eldridge "Meat" Cleaver
Jefferson Jackson "JJ" Dinner
Vicodin Jack Daniels
C. Thomas "Thurston" Howell, III
Alopecia Areata
Jimmy Von Hayes
Eddie Von Hayes
Von Hayes
E'Pluribus Wyatt
Velchronic Abazaid
Chiefjustice Rehnquist
Jesus Fucking Christ
Aeorticus Finch
Alfred Quaeda
Manfred Mann-Chylde
Toyota Prius
Inveetro Morrison

Mike said...

L'De'Shawn Worshingtun

Dan said...

Fuhrer Bailey

Captain Morgan (probably already exists)

Akh Sident

Brett Farve

Otto Man said...

Isn't Vagina Dentata the name of the unreleased Police album?


swing4 said...

True story: I went to college with a kid whose legal name was Cocaine. Guy should have no problem finding employment.

Still, best student name I ever heard while in school: Scott Free.
I heard she got off Scott Free.

Jez said...

Jack Meoff
Hugh Jass
Heywood Jablomi
Brady Quinn

devonfinny said...

Eureka Pott
Tigol Bitty
D'kwantae Progeria

Unknown said...

Atheist Christpuncher

God Hates Raiders Fans said...

Hey, Lionel McClure yeah during my time at Ft Gordon GA there was a female captain on the post and her last name was Morgan.

Smokin hot too.

scumdog0331 said...

Osama Bush

bizzo5000 said...

700 Hobo Names is pure genius, as well as his entire book.

Holly said...

Biff Squatthrust
Big McLargehuge

God Hates Raiders Fans said...

oh btw you cannot beat the real-life hilarity (yeah I cant spell) that comes from the army's rank system combined with some people's last names

for a while our company had our very own

Private Ho

Anonymous said...

corporal dick in a box

David said...

Still, best student name I ever heard while in school: Scott Free.

There was a kid at MSU whose legal name was Luscious N. Delicious. He was in my Kant class, and the highlight of every Tuesday was the prof. taking roll...the quizzical look on his face was delightful.

BeaverFever said...

Spicy McHaggis (stolen from the dropkick murphy's)

Trader Rick said...

Roafie Truestart
RaChester Maleman

BDD, you sir are a delight.

Holly said...

Footiepajamas Crenshaw?

Plaid Avenger said...

it ain't my party but:

Jehosaphat Tammany Prime

Also, FINE work, Ladies and Gents. Best early morning internets ever.

Unknown said...

purple van beethoven
dayquiln budweiser

Unknown said...

Mister Rogers
Balco Bonds
BiggiePac Combs
Q-Bert Jones
Cosmo Kramer
Sean Preston Federline
Holly Mangold

Ethan Stanislawski said...

The chutzpah...Dan Snyder shouldn't be using such a goyische kopf.

Olentangy said...

How about the ex-Colorado basketball player:

House Guest

Or the Mets Farm hand

Wonderful Monds III