Continuing the Kornheiser theme today, I was driving in to work today listening to his radio show when Michael Wilbon phoned in to chat on the air, as he frequently does. In the span of five minutes, Wilbon said he wasn’t a fan of Jon Stewart or “comic people who are politically edgy”, said Roger Federer “didn’t do it” for him, declared “No Country For Old Men” to be a lazy film (but not before botching its title), and said he hated all the Academy Award nominated films this year.
I’ve vaguely hinted at this before, but I think it’s time to put subtlety aside and bust open the haterade officially.
Michael Wilbon is a fucking HUGE douchebag.
Yeah, I know he’s probably the most well-liked person in the industry. That’s great. Good for him. It must be because all the other journos are in awe of his breathtaking casual arrogance. This guy is the Reggie Nelson of sportswriters. Is there nothing on Earth Wilbon cannot simply dismiss with a wave of his hand? Found “No Country” lazy, did you, Wilbon? Well, then it must be so! I thought I was watching “Meet The Spartans”, it was so half-assed! Charles Barkely hated it too, so he must be right! You know him a little bit, right Wilbon?
But hey, what do I know? I’m just a sports fan. And, as you know, if there’s anything Wilbon hates in this world, it’s the common sports fan. Do you like the NFL Draft? Well, Wilbon thinks you’re a fucking simpleton. Thought Wilbon was a little cold about Sean Taylor’s death? Well then, you’re obviously one of these braindead homers who doesn’t understand the principal tenets of journalism. You’re obviously just some Pollyanna who never likes to see his team criticized. There’s no in-between at all! Are you a blogger? Oh, then you obviously are some horrible, predatory rumormonger. You aren’t fit to play act with heads on sticks like a real reporter!
I used to think it was cute when Wilbon called everyone knuckleheads at PTI’s signoff. Except it isn’t a joke. He really DOES think you are a knucklehead, and that you, Joe Sports Fan, are nothing more a beer-swilling retard who is incapable of making decisions for yourself. I bet you liked “No Country For Old Men,” you lazy fucking sheep. Michael Wilbon can’t express his disdain for you highly enough.
Well, I’ve had enough. Wilbon’s gotten a free pass for too long. You’re going right on the douchebag list, Mikey, right between Simmons and that dude from Maroon 5. Am I surprised you’re a preening asswipe? Not in the least.
Well, Patriot fans, it’s been well over ten days since the Giants upset the Patriots, and I just thought I’d check in on you. How are you feeling? Are you okay? Is everything all right? I know how you Boston folks like to treat every loss as if it’s something that saddens the entire world as a whole. I know how you can’t possibly go on without someone offering you sympathy, as if you yourself were on the field for that loss. Surely that’s the reason for the downward turn in the US economy. Sports fans in Boston are unhappy! Oh, what a tragedy! Everything feels so dark and cold! Quick, someone play a Des’Ree CD to cheer them up!
I’m just kidding, of course. I do not wish you Patriot fans a Happy Valentine’s Day. Unless this is the day your girlfriend decides she’s had it with you and the 500 empty tins of Kodiak you keep leaving around her apartment. I don’t wish you a Happy Valentine’s Day at all. But I will wish you a happy “Eat A Fucking Bowl Of Dick” Day. Or a “Get Run Over By A Fucking Cement Mixer” Day. Or a “Get Your Klan Rally Petition Rejected By The Board Of Commerce” Day. Or a “YOU FUCKING LOST” Day. Or a “Why Don’t You Take A Job As A Commercial Fisherman And Fucking Drown 500 Miles Off The Coast Of Nova Scotia In A Fierce Nor’Easter?” Day.
I hope you choke on rose stems. You fucking losers.
And, while we’re here, let’s tear that Simmons mailbag apart.
One gigantic disclaimer before we get to the collection of post-Super Bowl e-mails: I would have included more Giants-related e-mails if I had received more coherent ones -- 99 percent were of the "Hahhhhhhhhaahahahahaa! You suck!" or "18-1!!!!!" variety.
Yes, because no one from New York is creative at all! Such an unimaginative town! What do they do there, sell insurance? It would have been far preferable if New England had won, and Patriot fans could have taunted the world with more florid taunts, such as, “FACK YOU, YOU FACKIN’ BRAWNX IMMIGRANTS! WHY DON’T YOU GO GET A FACKIN’ GREEN CAAAAAD!” Yes, if you root for a non-Boston team, you are nowhere near as gracious or poetic in winning. Maybe if you had been more fawning of the Patriots in victory, Simmons would have deigned to publish you.
Let’s play a game. How many emails did Shitbox have to comb through to get dogshit like this?
Of course, I have no pity for the Patriots, but I DO feel for their great fans.
I’m guessing 300. But wait! There’s douchier!
I really do feel for Pats fans after that loss -- I still think this year's Pats are easily the best team of the modern salary cap era. If you need proof of that, consider the fact that after Plaxico Burress made what became the game-winning touchdown, the single thought in the head of every Giants fan watching the game was "Oh God, Brady has 35 seconds and three timeouts." I'm not sure there has ever been a team that has caused more doubt in the minds of the opposing fans than these Patriots.
So true! Great teams don’t even need to close out games! The mere fact that other teams’ fans consider the possibility of them coming back to win is all the reason anyone needs! Why even play the end of the game WHEN FANS MAY HAVE DOUBTS ABOUT THE OUTCOME? Crazy!
Finally…
What are the odds that Asante Samuel's dropped INT at the end of the game will replace Buckner's bungle as the worst play in Boston history? That was devastating on a level far surpassing anything I've seen in all my years as a Boston sports fan. If he ever wears a Pats jersey again, it'll be too soon.
Allusion to ’86 Red Sox loss? Check. Boston fan playing up his emotional devastation to invite your pity? Check. Throwing longtime, outstanding player under the bus? Check. Desire in me to choke this person with a hockey stick? Check.
Fuck your Valentine’s Day, Patriot fans. I hope you get the runs.
Christmas Ape linked to this petition earlier in the day, from Patriot fans calling on Roger Goodell to investigate the outcome of the Super Bowl. Yes, because no Boston team can ever lose without it being a cosmic injustice of notable historic significance, this petition has garnered well over 1,000 signatures from Boston-bred douchebags the world over. Let’s have a sample, shall we?
38. Dave Rosenthal I can't believe this isn't a big story. I mean, we should be 19-0, but the NFL hates that Pats, so instead we have to go through this the rest of our lives knowing we got gypped.
91. Bradley Whitaker The referees seemed as though they wanted the Patriots to finally lose.
119. Brandon Lathrop Proven That the game was over after eli was tackled, should have been a patriots win, this was a all set up by the nfl as a conspiracy.
109. Andrew Paterson It is obvious that, whether by accident or intent, the clock was kept in the last 1:40 illegally and in such a way that it cost the New England Patriots a fair chance to win the Super Bowl. This is not bitterness talking, I actually believe the outcome would or could have been different. Please, at the very least an acknowledgement or apolgy, if not your ordering of a replay of the game from that point on, even though I realize how much that is to ask.
105. alex ketabi this must be investigated. this completely proves that the patriots should be super bowl champions
312. Meaghan O'Toole give the patriots their rightful win
968. Daniel Duggan I was orinally signer 47. I have since found my dignity and self respect. I formally withdraw signature 47. Oh and this one too.Please don't count me twice. Don't count me once either. Don't count me at all please. Though we did get ripped off 1:40. That kinda sucked. You know? I mean with that extra time and all, we could have won it. In fact we deserved to win. GOD DAMN. WE WERE CHEATED. We WERE EFFEN CHEATED! THIS SUCKS. THIS REALLY, REALLY, REALLY SUCKS. We should be 19-0 and on top of the world. Man, I hope this petition gets to Mr. Goodell. He can make it right. PLEEEEEASE make this right Roger. Please, Please,Please, Undefeated that's what we should be. Undefeated.
1144. Shamus Hughes Not only was the game clock illegal, there were questionable calls during the pass in which Eli Manning threw that pass downfield, there were 2 holding calls, including a severe one on Adalius Thomas. The fact that the NFL is trying to make the Mannings the faces of the NFL has to stop and they have to realize that its time to start calling fair games, even if the Patriots are playing
194. Erik Frenz I don't know much about the rules of the NFL but as a Patriots fan if this is true I feel cheated. If this is true there should seriously be a replay of the last 1:40 of the Super Bowl. I didn't bet on it myself, but a lot of people lost or gained a lot of money on this game and the real outcome deserves to be known.
193. John Vairo I would like to call out all the hypocritical Giants' fans here. If you think you're so amazing, then why are you so afraid to possibly play another game? According to you, the Super Bowl is more important than any other game. So if you were so "dominant" in this "fixed" game, why are you so afraid to replay 2 minutes of a game or even a whole additional game? You talk so high and mighty like you're the greatest team ever, but then hide in the corner, content with the excuse of "Well, we won. It doesn't matter if it was fixed or not." I strongly encourage the commissioner of the NFL to investigate this matter, because to not, would destroy the integrity of the game, and will make me stop watching the NFL from now on, because it is clearly fixed.
Stunning, isn't it? You wouldn't think that one group of people could reach suchs high levels of both arrogance and insecurity simultaneously. It's the sort of thing anthropologists will study years from now, asking themselves, "How was such douchebaggery enabled in a civilized society?" Alas, I do not know the answer. I wish I did. I really, really do. So we at KSK felt naturally obligated to sign the petition as well. Here were our sentiments.
1116. Obill Bin Cheetin All my internet warriors. Stay in cave. We weather storm together. Camel lick raw butt. We be better in no time.
1186. Tommy This is fackin' bull shit! That dahhhkie Mike Carey rawbbed our man Welkahhhhh of the MVP! AS FAAAAAHHHH AS I'M CONCERNED, WE'AH UNBEATEN!!!!
1183. B-Simm It's not fair! This was supposed to be OUR moment! I had a bag of frozen peas waiting for Tom!
1151. supermike4ever I only started rooting for the Patriots once they started winning Super Bowls. Now I don't know what to do.
1163. Matt Walsh I am filming all of you signing this.
We encourage you to sign it as well. Show these Pats fans that you support them. They need you. BECAUSE THEY ARE FUCKING LOSERS WHO CANNOT GET OVER ANY SLIGHT THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO THEM, BE IT REAL OR IMAGINARY. We'll post the best ones here. Please note you can sign it many times over!
UPDATE: Here are some good ones:
1152. Teddy Bruschi's Skull Clot I'll be back and so will the.......*thud*
1160. Randy Moss' girlfriend Please let Randy win the Super Bowl! He's going to kill me!
1177. T Kennedy The Er Eh... Pats were er eh robbed.
1181. Bob Hi there. I'm a Pat's fan. I believe that we were robbed. I also believe that having a cock up my ass is very enjoyable.
1184. Victor Kiam Every time I think that the city of Boston can't sink any lower they go and do this-AND TOTALLY REDDEM THEMSELVES!!
1196. Retard Ed McDouche Not only should the NFL investigate this game, but they should review every game from the last 25 years and award every Super Bowl to the Pats. Tom Brady is the one true Messiah and Coach Bellichik should be elected president. This is all the fault of black people. Now I have to go drink whiskey and beat my wife.
1215. Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer Your world frightens and confuses me, when I see a solar eclipse, like the one I went to last year in Hawaii, I think 'Oh no! Is the moon eating the sun?' I don't know. Because I'm a caveman -- that's the way I think. But there is one thing I do know, the Patriots were robbed of their rightful championship
1294. hines ward prease lepray superbewrr. praxico is tarr leceivel but i win superbewrr without him! i hate praxico! he no make me smerre.
UPDATE: Oh noes! They're brought out the Powerpoint presentations! Non-calls, of course, means cheating by the other team!
Well, it’s the end of the day and I’m so very sad. Because it’s been such a pleasure to wallow in the misery of the Patriots and their fans. Seriously. You people earned it. You got fucked. I’m so very, very pleased for your loss.
And so, to close out this historic day of hateration, we dole out a final round of hearty and oh-so-sincere FUCK YOUS to the Patriots and everyone associated with them.
Yes, FUCK YOU, Bob Kraft. Model franchise, my ass. Why don’t you go have a glass of water to clear out the frog that’s been in your throat for the past 60 fucking years.
FUCK YOU to Bill Belichick. You know what’s even nicer than that fact you lost, you fucking shit stain? The fact that you might also lose your fucking job. Isn’t that lovely? Not only did you lose a game, but you also stand to lose your livelihood, your reputation, and your legacy. I, for one, am extremely excited for you to grow a beard, move to Iceland, and become an anti-semite. Cockbag.
FUCK YOU to the Patriots fans out there. “This one hurts!” “This one stings!” Awww, you poor things! You had to suffer through ONE loss all year! Oh no! HERE COMES THE RAIN AGAIN! You may never recover! If only I could do something to console you. Oh, I know.
/whips out dick
Choke on it.
FUCK YOU, as always, to Bill Simmons. Here, I rewrote your article today so that it was even closer to your own voice:
“When the final seconds ticked down on Super Bowl XLII, I and presumably the rest of Boston had but one thought: REGGIE LEWIS.”
Suck it. No Tom Brady soiree for you, dipshit. Just an awkward conversation with Ufford and big helping of shut the fuck up.
FUCK YOU to Patriot players who invited Giant players to their celebration parties AS THEY WERE GETTING THEIR ASSES HANDED TO THEM DURING THE GAME. Well done, jackasses. No egos in that locker room!
FUCK YOU, Mitt Romney. You're a loser, too.
FUCK YOU to Jim Nantz. Your favorite team lost, you white asshole.
FUCK YOU to Tedi Bruschi, seen here getting the famous “Umenyiora Chaser”.
FUCK YOU to the Pats’ o-line and their playoff beards. Go play hockey or work in Chelsea love dungeon, you hairy-assed fat fucks.
FUCK YOU to Randy Moss. Disappearing in a big game against the Giants? Hey, thanks for the flashback to 2000, you dick. I hope the charges stick this time.
FUCK YOU to the Patriot Way. “Oh, we’re not like other franchises! We’re selfless! We’re all about the team! All we care about is winning! We invented teamwork! No other team has better chemistry! WE HAVE A CULTURE! WE’RE SPECIAL AND WAY BETTER THAN YOU!” Die.
FUCK YOU to all the Pats fans who talked about how getting caught in some malfeasance - cheating, beating up women, taking steroids - only made the team better. "We draw power from our ability to break rules!" Guzzle cock, fucktasters.
FUCK YOU to Matt Walsh. Guess what I taped last night? Me punching your children.
FUCK YOU to the Pats equipment manager. I dunno who you are, but I fucking hate you.
FUCK YOU to Koolaid Maroney. That’s what you get for denying the existence of construda.
FUCK YOU to your Amstel Light. Shit probably tastes great right now, huh?
FUCK YOU to WELKAHHHHH.
FUCK YOU to any children who root for the Patriots. I hope your peers shun you in middle school.
FUCK THIS BABY.
And if there's anyone else I forgot, kindly go and get fucked. You lost. Forever. Enjoy the offseason, you losers.
BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! All you fackin’ Paytree-ut hatahs out they-ah now must face the facts. THE FACKIN’ PAYTREE-UTS ARE FACKIN’ 19-0!!! HAHAHAHAHA!! And for that, I have only one thing to say...
You fuckin’ Yankee faggots always think you’re the best. Well, you know what? THE FACKIN’ PATS WENT UNDEFEATED! Did the Yankees ever do that? HA! I can’t wait to call my buddy Fred, a diehahd Yankee fan. I can’t wait to see the look on his face when he realizes the PATS are the fackin’ greatest TEAM evah! I can’t wait to get a fackin’ UNDEFEATED Sawx jersey. Can you imagine how confident the crowd at Fenway will be now? Take that, Yankees! THIS IS FOR FACKIN’ CLAIMIN’ CLEMENS AS YOUR OWN!
Now that the Patriots are 19-0, it’s clear that the Yankees are just a second tier franchise. Fackin’ Hank Steinbrenner, you really think you have the class of Bawb Kraft? FACK YOU! WHY DON’T YOU GO SPOON FEED STRAINED PEAS TO YOUR OLD MAN, SHITBAWX! Hey Hank, I hear your old man just wanders around his house with his bathrobe open and his cawk out, and that he tawks to his hairbrush. WHAT A FACKIN’ LOSAH!!!!
Face it, Yankee fans: The Paytree-uts are now the fackin’ greatest team in history, and they always will be! And you know what that means, you fackin’ Bawston hatahs? That means that your team will nevah, EVAH, be as good as the Pats. Even if your team wins the Super Bowl next year (which I highly doubt because both Tawmmy Brady and the fackin’ smahtest man in the universe Billy Belichick, who my fackin’ fifth cousin once sat near at a Legal Seafoods back in 2003), your team’s championship won’t mean FACKIN’ JACK SHIT!
Suck on that! That’s right. No mattah what you fackin’ do, your team’s success will nevah be as meaningful or as important as ours. You’re just fillin’ out the fackin’ almanac, 2036 Titans! We all know the fackin’ 2007 Pats would fackin’ slap you and your robot players around like I slap around the dirty Sikh who runs the packy store down the blawk. $5.99 far a fackin’ pack of Pahluhmunts? Fack you, ya fackin’ sitar-playin’ fack! DRIVE MY FACKIN’ FAMILY TO LOGAN!
Do you know what makes this Pats victory so fackin’ special? The fact that WE, the fackin’ Red Sawx Nation, took the fackin’ team on our shouldahs. WE FACKIN’ ALL SHARE IN THIS TRIUMPH TOGETHAH! That’s why I’m goin’ all fackin’ out to make sure everyone knows that I, Tommy fackin’ O’Leary, will always be paht of the fackin’ Pats’ JUGGUHNUT!
I’m gonna get a 19-0 shirt. I’m gonna shave 19-0 into my dog’s ass. I’m gettin’ a 19-0 decal on my fackin’ F150. And I’m gonna tattoo UNDEFEATED right on my cawk! I’m gonna use my trust fund money to make my folks redesign their house so it’s in the shape of 19-0. AND EVERY FACKIN’ YEAR UNTIL I DIE, I‘M GONNA DRINK A GALLON OF BOONE’S WHEN THE LAST UNBEATEN TEAM LOSES! AND I’M GONNA TEACH MY ILLEGITIMATE GRANDKIDS TO DO THE SAME!
Fack you, Dolphins! That tradition is ours now! You think you can have traditions? ONLY FACKIN’ BAWSTON CAN HAVE TRADITIONS! We’re the birthplace of tradition, you facks. Stop cawpyin’ us!
And to all you elitist facks who said the Pats cheated, I have only this to say: THAT FACKIN' FAGOOT A-ROD TRIED SLAPPIN' THE BAWL OUTTA MILLAHHHHH'S GLOVE IN THE ALCS! The fackin' Yanks and their slapdick media buddies try to cheat and disrespect Beantown all the fackin' time! So consider this payback, A-Rod, you fackin' son of a housekeepah!
The Pats, like any great team, did what it took to dawminate. Even if that meant tracking the Giants' every move with a discarded Russian spy satellite, or poisoning their team breakfast with ground-up Chinese tinker toys, or sending pizza and hookers to their hotel suites at 4AM last night. That just means they are true champions! They still won won feeehhhh and squeeeehhhh!
So soak it all in, Yankee fans. The Pats are the greatest team to ever play the game. Try and face down Jawsh fackin’ Beckett while you think about that! FACK YOU JETAH YOU FACKIN' AWKTAROON!!!!
Jaguars rookie safety Reggie Nelson, part of a defensive unit that allowed Tom Brady to complete an NFL record 92.9 percent of his passes Saturday night, dismissively remarked of Brady to reporters after the game, "He ain't all that … He's all right."
What might strike some as smacking of bitterness after being ripped in historic fashion by the league's MVP is actually in keeping with Nelson's tendency of being difficult to impress. Here follows a sampling of some of the best of his blase.
"'I Have a Dream'? Shit. That ain't new. We ALL have dreams."
"The Beatles? Meh. I guess Revolver was okay."
"Water into wine??? What good is wine if the motherfucker ain't going to make some cheese too?"
"3:10 to Yuma was good, if you're into remakes. Which I'm not."
"Why would I want indoor plumbing? The outhouse is holdin' up fine."
"Picasso? A genius? Please. Have you seen that Cubist crap? It's the EXACT SAME THING as Braque!!!"
"Language? Pfft. Whatever. We was doing all right grunting and writing glyphs on the wall."
"Why would I want to convert to Fiat? The gold standard is doing great!"
"Philip Rivers is a dickbag. But he's no Dane Cook."
"Jonas Salk? Pussy. I had polio once. I got my ass out of bed, caught three interceptions and banged a stewardess on the flight home."
"If you ask me A Brief History of Time is an amusing work of harebrained conjecture but ultimately irrelevant."
"Y'all think Amy Winehouse is having a fucked-up time? Shit. I call that 'Tuesday Night.'"
"Sure, the Mariana Trench is deep. But I've met girls with deeper chatches."
"Sir Edmund Hillary was great, yeah. He still died, though, didn't he?"
"The Great Wall of China? What's so great about it? 's just one wall. You can just walk around it. Don't protect you from the rain neither."
[Shown picture of Adriana Lima]
(yawns) "Too old."
"Why's Fibonacci gotta have a whole sequence named after him? That's greedy. I get by okay with just one number."
"'Birth of Venus'"? [makes jerk-off motion with hand]
"You liked No Country for Old Men? Get the fuck out. The ending was stupid!"
"Al-Qaeda? More like Shit Qaeda. They were, what, three of four on 9/11? Hell, Tom Brady had a better completion percentage on Saturday, and we already know he ain't all that."
"Yeah, the Burj Dubai is pretty tall, but I bet you can't get good barbecue there."
If you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Okay, well, lust probably won't do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is the first in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.
AFC 5th Seed -- Jacksonville Jaguars (11-5)
"Heinz Field is terrible. That's a lawsuit pending" -- Fred Taylor 1/1/08 Plaintiff's attorney: On numerous occasions the conditions at Heinz Field have been found to be substandard, on others disastrously uninhabitable. My client asserts that the grounds have left him subject to permanent injury. What have you to stay to that?
Heinz Field: glug glug glug glug glug
Defense attorney: Objection! Point of fact: Did not Fred Taylor rush for 147 yards and a touchdown at Heinz Field not more than a month ago? And has Fred Taylor not been injured by the following things throughout his career: Popsicle stick houses, the blown seeds off a dandelion, dust mites, tall grass, fallen Jenga blocks, taking off his socks and tripping on the end of an escalator?
Plaintiff's attorney: My client's history of impairment is immaterial to the downright neglectful and irresponsible tending of Pittsburgh's playing surface. What matters is that on any carry this weekend he could sustain a career-ending injury for no other reason than the field is a sloppy midden heap.
Defense attorney: I wish to call to the stand Hines Ward, a player who has competed on the surface without incident since the stadium opened in 2001.
Defense attorney: Hines, would you describe the turf at Heinz Field as substandard?
Hines Ward: Rrrraaaahhhhh. That so sally! Almost ridicurous! Seen many worst condition than that. Back home, each leceiver get sampan when go out on route.
Hines Ward: See? He wide open for super fantastic catch! I think Fled Tayrol is just lazy pampered Amerrrcan. He no know meaning of hard work.
I can smirrre now?
Plaintiff's attorney: Very well. I have someone of my own who I would like to call to the stand: Troy Polamalu, who has played his entire career with Heinz Field as a home stadium, has been dogged by knee injuries this season, most likely caused by the shoddy playing surface at Heinz. Troy...
Polamalu: (speaking softly, inaudibly)
Plaintiff's attorney: You're gonna need to speak up, Troy.
You fackin’ Paytree-ut haters out there thought we couldn’t go 16-0. But we Pats fans nevuh had any doubt. And there is no doubt as to who will be victorious in Arizonuh five weeks from now. I haven’t felt this confident of anything since I passed around my petition to have that Persian family kicked out of my neighborhood. NO FACKIN’ MAGIC CARPET RIDIN’, LAMP-RUBBIN’ CAMEL JOCKEY FAMILY BELONGS IN FACKIN’ QUINZEE, MASS! AM I RIGHT, PEOPLE?!
You know what really fackin’ pisses me off? The gawddamn Paytree-uts go 16-0, and those fackin’ shitbawxes in the media still don’t give them any fackin’ respect! It’s a fackin’ joke. Like these Wild Caaaaad teams. Why are they paying attention to these Wild Caaaaaaaad teams? None of them stand a chance AGAINST THE FACKIN’ PATS JUGGUHNUT! Fack that. The Paytree-uts would facking kick the shit out of them like I kick the shit out of my dog, Beasley. He’s a good dog. But when he barks, I gawtta give him a taste of my Lugz, you know what I’m sayin’?
And you, Miami Dolphins! You too can hang on my ballsack. Fackin’ Dawn Shoola. You old piece of shit. Why don’t you go play some fackin’ backgammon and drink some fackin’ Sunsweet prune juice, you fackin’ pantshittuh! You too, Mercury Morris. Why don’t you go snort some cocaine and drive your car into a telephone pole, you stupid daaaaaa-kie! Ha! Black people are so dumb.
(drinks lighter fluid)
Oh my God! Is that G-Love and Special Sauce? Fitz, turn that shit up! This shit fackin’ rawks!
My baby’s got sawce!
This whole hatred of the Pats comes from simple jealousy. You fackin’ Pats hatuhs out there are just jealous of our incredible success. You’re jealous of Tommy Brady’s good looks, and Bill Belichick’s superior intellectualness. But you are also jealous of Boston as a whole. You are jealous of our fine schools, like Hahvuhd, and M-eye-tee, and South Quinzee Gun Repair And Event Planning Correspondence Institute, which I attend. You’re jealous of the Red Sox. And the Celts. And the fact that we legalized gay marriages specifically so that we could jump faggots coming out of da church and give them the fishhook.
And you’re jealous of the guns. Admit it. They look fackin’ great. My girl Tina likes it when I do the military press with my shirt off, and I can’t blame her. Right, honey?
Nice, huh? I just got her to go from smoking 5 packs of Pahluhmint a day to 4 and a half. It only took five weeks of slappin’ her around and calling her a fat, smelly piece of dogshit to get it done. You fackin’ fatass Pittsburgh fans have that kind of discipline? I think not.
So keep on hatin’ us, you piece of shit fans of other piece of shit NFL teams. Me and all my buddies from Quinzee feed off of that shit. It only makes us stronger. And, as you can see, I am quite strong already. My boss says I have a real few-chuh in moving armoires. Suck on that. 19-0 is inevitable, you pansies. There’s nothing you can do about it. Just sit back and enjoy ow-uh dawminunce. TAKE YOUR BEATING LIKE A MAN, LIKE BEASLEY DOES!
And, in case you still feel like whining, I’ll be here all postseason long, aftuh every fackin’ Pats blow-oot, to remind you of how fackin’ superiuh the fackin’ Pats are. Because we fackin’ DESERVE this success. Okay? I personally had to struggle through all those early years of the Pats, when they never went to the Super Bowl. Except in ’85. And ’96. I had to live through the indignity of purposely avoiding Pats games because they were loosuhs, and I did not care about them. That hurt. So if you think I’m not gonna revel in Pats’ awesomeness. YOU AAAA OUTTA YOUR FACKIN’ TREE, SHITBAWX!
If you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won't do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is the first in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.
NFC 6th Seed -- Washington Redskins (9-7)
There are several factors that might make it difficult for me to root against the Redskins: the death of Sean Taylor, the fact that Shawn Springs went to my high school, that my mother, uncle and many of my friends are fans. But it is, in truth, not really all that hard at all.
There's always the all-too-easy litany of charges against them: the megalomaniacal imp Dan Snyder (who blocks out other games in the time slot when the 'Skins are on), the team's racialist name, its fanbase of Blackberry-toting doucheocrats, the Dead Tree Crew and FedEx Field being a slightly more unpleasant experience than Dachau and about as easy to get to as the Kwik-E-Mart corporate headquarters.
If that doesn't prove sufficient, I can always draw upon this chestnut: In January of 1992, when I was in 4th grade, the week before the Redskins beat the Bills in Super Bowl XXVI, my school had an assembly where we did nothing but sing "Hail to the Redskins" for an hour. ON LOOP. FOR A FUCKING HOUR. The song is less than two minutes long. Such is the torpor-based education you get in public schooling in Maryland, I s'pose.
Did you know they won their playoff clinching game by 21 points? And that Sean Taylor wore the number 21? You know who'll be sure to remind me? The woman who rings up my groceries. The UPS guy. The guy who hits me changing lanes on the Beltway. My drug dealer. Someone looking at DVDs next to me at Best Buy. The stick up kid who steals the DVD from me when I leave the store. The cop who takes my statement. The guy at the gun store. The people who I rob when I turn into a vigilante.
Ya gutta be fackin jokin, right? You mean to tell me Dr. Underneath and his 1,000 yards receiving and, most importantly, his luscious white skin isn't good enough for your precious Pro Bowl squad, NFL? Somebody get Goodell on the phone. I feel like bellyachin'.
What'd I only buy two versions of his fackin jersey for, then? Because I was saving room for the Wes Wel-kah Pro Bowl jersey. My regular rotation goes: Papelbon All-Star jersey, Scalabrine jersey, my "Charles River Not Charles Drew River" shirt, " and my "Celtic Green Not Pumpsie Green" hoodie. This woulda fit in perfect.
Three of the Pats eight Pro Bowlers are coloreds. That's almost half! That ain't right, I tell ya. I got half a mind to go back to not giving a damn about this team. Did me okay from 1960 until 2001.
With the Red Sox advancing to the World Series, Boston College still undefeated, KG moving to the Celtics, and this year’s Patriots in the process of becoming the best team in the history of the NFL (and you’re deluding yourself if you can't accept the reality of that), we are on the verge of witnessing a perfect storm of douchebaggery emanating from the greater Boston area. We’re talking the absolute zenith of self-important fuckfacery. The sky will turn pitch black and rain vinegar upon us all.
I have done all that I can to stop this. I’ve offered bounties, yet NFL defenders remain too dumb, and NFL defensive coaches too incompetent to call for a drop kick right to Tom Brady’s patella. We at KSK have also tried repeatedly hammering the point home that Bill Simmons is a fucking douchebag (see below, or just wait for the next post). It’s a like a political talking point: the more often we say it, the more likely it is to stick in your brain, regardless of whether or not you actually believe it (“Oh, Bill Simmons? Yeah, he’s a douche. No, wait! I kinda used to like him! Damn you, KSK!"). But those efforts have done nothing to stem this growing doucheflood.
We are left with two options. The first option is to cultivate the hatred the rest of the nation has for these people, so that, even when the Patriots or Red Sox win, they cannot savor the victory fully. After all, if there’s any group of fans that has a “Why can’t you be happy for us?” mentality, it’s New England sports fans. Not only do they act douchey when they win. But they fully expect you to jump on the bandwagon with them. Witness Simmons’ infamous Pats-hater bitchfest from earlier in the year, one of the sorriest sports columns ever written.
Boston fans fail to grasp a standard rule of sports fandom, which is: Any team that wins a title that is not your team is fucking annoying. It doesn’t matter how the other team won. They’re not YOUR team, so they can eat a fat dick. Fuck this “appreciating” other teams shit. Normal fans don’t do that. At least Cowboy and Yankee fans have a solid understanding of just why people can’t fucking stand them. But Mickey from Natick? Nope, he’s not gonna grasp that concept. In fact, he’s not gonna grasp much of anything.
So that’s one option. But there is another option, and that is, of course, to join them. Is this a lame thing to do? Oh, yeah. Total fuckhead move. But hey, maybe you’re a Dolphins fan and you’ve abandoned all hope. Maybe becoming a dipshit asshole cumguzzler like Jimmy Fallon is your only way to stay happy. I don’t approve, but I’m not here to judge. We at KSK are here for the people, so we’ve come up with a few rules, listed below, of just how to turn yourself into one of these fans. One bonus of becoming an insufferable Boston bandwagon fan is that it gives the rest of us extra ammunition to want to gut New England fans with a paring knife, which I’m more than okay with. Hate feels good. It really gets me through my day.
Lest you think these rules are farcical, I assure you they are not. No one knows the psyche of New England sports fans quite like I do. I went to dipshit prep school in New England. I went to college in New England. My parents have lived in Connecticut for the past 17 years. You might even call me a “total fucking hypocrite,” which is more than fair. I’ve been in the heart of the douche. I’ve worn the fleece. I’ve heard all the God Street Wine songs. I know what it’s all about. I had plenty of opportunities to join the brood. Despite my own history of wanton douchebaggery, I resisted. But I’m still enough of a preppy dicksmack to help you reach your goal. Here now, is how you become one of “them”:
1. Use Manny Ramirez to justify all your stereotypes about Latin Americans, but do NOT use David Ortiz to refute any of them.
2. Bitch about Dane Cook “representing” you while, at the same time, rocking his exact same haircut.
3. Boast about Bill Belichick’s strategic genius as if it is somehow indirectly your doing. You’ll see plenty of New England fans, when seeing another coach fuck up, say to you, “Now, would Belichick do something like that? Hell no. He’d do it totally different.” You see, pointing out Belichick’s acumen is a way of trying to pass it off as your own. He’s smart, which makes you smart! Talk about Belichick the same way a proud father boasts about his child prodigy. You won’t be any more intelligent. In fact, you’ll still be a fucking eggplant. But you’ll feel more intelligent, and that’s nice.
4. Own $1,000 worth of Red Sox merchandise, but no Patriots merchandise whatsoever. The lone exception: The Wes Welker jersey. Pats fans love Wes Welker because he’s white. Just like them! They also love Tedi Bruschi, because he’s kinda white. And hey, that’s not bad either.
5. Be sure to boast about all the hot chicks Tom Brady gets to nail. Because that’s totally something for YOU to brag about.
6. Complain earnestly about how many ads Peyton Manning appears in while continuing to brag about the Pats' O-line being Brady's five layers of protection. Lord knows Brady's never been in an ad for Stetson, or Movado, or Gap, or any of that shit.
7. If you put a five into a jukebox at any sports bar, you must play “Satellite” by the Dave Matthews Band at least once.
8. Act proudly ignorant of things you already know. Like so: “Hey, who was that colored guy in that “Rush Hour” movie? He was all right.” You know damn well it's Chris Tucker, but the casual racism makes you 50% more charming to chicks in Framingham. This works even better if you’re a Boston-area college student. Yeah, you go to Tufts, but you have no fackin’ idea who those Maroon 5 faggots are. Sure, buddy. For a walking example of proud stupidity, consult this dumbshit:
9. Be sure to try and distinguish yourself as a “real fan”. All “real” Boston fans must be able to judge their fellow Boston fans' credibility. Never been to Fenway? Poseur. Didn't like the Pat Patriot logo? Bandwagoner. Went to college outside New England? Turncoat. Too young to remember the '86 Celtics? Faggot.
10. Bitch about the Boston accents in any film or TV show. “Yeah, ‘The Depahted’ was fackin’ great, but they don’t talk like that in fackin’ REVEEEEAH!!!!!” Yes, no film could ever accurately depict just how real, how fierce your hardscrabble Newton upbringing was.
11. Adopt the attitude that you, yes you, DESERVE this success. “Hey, we Pats fans know how it used to be back in the day. We earned these titles.” Don’t treat your team’s good fortune as the stroke of good fortune it happens to be. No, no, no. Your championship has to be deeper then someone else’s championship. It has to mean something more. Why? Because you fancy yourself as being introspective. Cockgobbler. Treat it like some sort of karmic reward for Len Bias dying, or some other twisted, idiotic explanation.
12. Always treat your fandom as membership to some kind of exclusive club of super cool people. Like the whole Red Sox Nation thing. Oooh, you guys all root for the same team? How unique! How special! Fucking die. Be sure to adopt a siege mentality when your team is criticized. “Hey, you can’t rip on Papelbon! He’s fackin’ one of us!” Whatever you need to make yourself feel less alone in the world.
13. Be sure to grow your hair out under your artificially aged Red Sox hat so that little hair wings sprout out the side. That looks great.
14. Laugh at your own jokes. You're so funny, guy!
15. Dip.
16. Shun Ben Affleck. Embrace Matt Damon. That apples line never gets old!
17. Finally, bitch about everything: critics, certain players who personally disappoint you, etc. They call it New England for a reason. People in England love to fucking complain. You are the newer, even more annoying model.
Follow these rules and I promise you that everyone from the nation’s remaining 44 states will want to rape you with a hammer. But hey, you’re a Boston sports fan now. You’ll be completely ignorant to your own jackassery. That’s the beauty of it. You are now just as fucking annoying as a Notre Dame football fan, or a Duke basketball fan. That's right, Pats fan. That's the level you're at right now. Enjoy your world titles, you fucking cockhog.
