YYYYAAAHHH!!! Welkaaah's Gettin' Whiteaaahh!

While Tommy Brady's droppin tha Hulk Hogan big boot on them daaahkies in the Big Apple, auld numbah one receivah Wes Welkaaah is fillin' up on the fortahfying seed a' the great Mistah Chaaahlie. He's that much maah unstappable now! Stepping up his game in time fah tha big show!

Just whaaat he needs to cahve up them big dumb stumblebum daahkies like Aahsi Uoumenyeraah. Quit hoggin all tha vowels, ya greedy scaaatalagical taaaah baby!

Just ya wait, New Yaahk daaahkies. We gonna let ya heeah abaat this all yeaah long! Go Paytreeuts!

Daaaahkie Day is Really Paytreeuts Day

All ya haters say we gowt a problem with tha daaaahkies in Bahstan but we elected a black gov'nah in Massachusetts and it's nice to see the daaaahkies finally gave us something in return: A day off to celebrate tha Paytreeuts domination a' tha Chaaaaaarjahs and a return to tha Sooper Bowl! 18-0, ya shitbawxes!

Naturally, there's Welkah finding the endzone, like always. And Tommy Brady overcoming a few minor setbacks, nah thanks to that lazy daaaarkie Moss. What's with being a non-factah in the playoffs, ya shiftless daaaahkie!

It’s Real F—king Nice To Come To F—king Miami To Coach Your F—king Football Team

Hey ey ey, how YOU doin’? Let me start off by sayin’ what a fucking honor it is to come here to fucking Miami and work for a fucking guy like Bill Parcells. I mean, look at that cocksucker sitting over there. Is he not just the fucking best?

(raises glass of Chianti)

Cheers to you, Billo. You big fat cumguzzler you. No, I fucked YOUR mother! How you like that shit? Real fucking comedian here! You believe the balls on this prick?

Anyway, like I said, being here in fucking Miami is fucking fantastic for me, and for my lovely wife Donna, and for my lovely children, ALL of whom are honor students. None of that cystic fibrosis retard shit.

You people have a really nice town. With some really fucking hot broads. I swear I was walking down the street the other day and I saw one broad with half her tits sticking right out of her shirt. That’s real fucking nice. Tony like. I could do without some of the fucking assticklers parading around on roller skates here, but that’s just me. I didn’t grow up in a faggot culture. It’s not part of my heritage. Personally, I think it’s all a little fucked, but you take the good with the bad.

Now, I know you’re wondering just what kind of fucking cocksucker you got runnin’ your team. Well, let me tell you somethin’. You ain’t gotta worry about nuthin’ no more. Mr. Huizenga here is the fucking best. You bald old fuck, you. Hope you don’t mind if I never paid my late fees at Blockbuster, you fucking corpse, you. Fucking late fees. I’ll return a movie when I fucking want to, you liver-spotted cock.

You also got Mr. Parcells here, who, again, is the fucking best. And I don’t wanna hear anyone here speak ill of Mr. Parcells. Okay? You speak ill of Mr. Parcells, you gonna have to answer to me. And so help me God, I will fucking bash your goddamn head in with a fucking coffee mug if I hear that shit. You got me, fuckos?

Oh, you wanna know about the offense? You ain’t gotta worry about that, okay? It’s taken care of. How? Eh, you don’t need to know that right now. Come on. Show a little fucking faith, will ya? Jesus. Just know that I’ve got that shit all fucking wrapped up. You and me, Dolphin fans. We’re gonna have EVERYTHING. You watch.

It’ll be way better than that last limpdick who was here. What was that stupid fuck’s name? Cameron? Cam Cameron? C’mon! How can you coach a fucking team with a fucking name like that? That guy probably only studied tape of cocks being sucked, am I right? Huh? Huh? The fuck.

So, long story short, nice to fucking be here. Got some real fucking great shit happening in the pipeline. And I’m ready to fucking go. We’re gonna have it real fucking good. I’m hungry. Let’s go get a fucking sub.

The Fackin' Paytree-uts Ahh 17-0 Now, You Fackin' Flarrriduh White Trash!

Did you fackin' facks from Flarrriduh really think you could keep up with Tawmmy Braydee and my beloved Pats? I'm insulted you fackin' pricks could even think that! Fackin' white trash. Why don't come to Quinzee for a little fackin' refinement, ya fackin' tire-burnuhs!

You shouldn't come here thinking you can win! You should come in fackin' Fawxburrow and lay down naked on the fifty with a funnel sticking out of your ass, prepared to get facked! You should fackin' thank Gawd you were able to come into such hallowed ground and get fire-hosed by such a fackin' hallowed team! You should place your balls on the curb outside my fackin' Quinzee rowhouse so that Fitzy and I can give them a good fackin' stompin' with ou-uh LL Bean duck boots!

Like you stood a chance! We have Welkahhhhh! I always wanted Troy Brown to not be black, and now he isn't!

So fack you, Jagwuhs. Or Jagwiuhs. Or whatever kinda fackin' jungle animal you ahhhh! You're just like that daaakie that tried to marry my sistah! Reachin' for thuh staaahs when you belong in the fackin' mud!

It’s-A Me, Salvatore!

Ay, it’s-a you! Look-a at you, with-a the funny face!

(pinches your cheek)

You look-a so good! And your wife! She is a-ravishing! I put-a my Genoa salami in her cioppino, yes? Bellisima!

(licks your wife’s face)

What is this-a you bring me? A Yellow Tail a-wine? Oh, this-a no good. This shit. I pour it down the sink or use it as a-rat poison. I’mma break out a special Chianti just-a for you. Geppetto!


Go-a get a-my friends the-a Ruffino!

(slaps monkey)

No, no, no! The Riserva, you-a stupid monkey!

I’mma glad you could-a come-a to my house and watch-a the playoffs with-a me, Salvatore! My-a grandma, she come-a straight from-a Sicily to meet you. She-a make you a special meatball! MAMA!


That’s-a spicy meat-a-ball!

Who your favorite team? The Chargers? No, no, no. The Chargers, they are a raw sewage. Listen to your friend, Salvatore: they are-a overrated. You must-a like the Giants. They are-a underrated. They will beat the Cowboys like I-a beat my wife. Because she-s no listen. Some-a-times, I just have to…

(makes dramatic hand gestures)

This why I live-a with my mother for forty years, yeah? We make-a bet, eh? You-a take the Cowboys, and I-a take the Giants. I call a one of my 500 cousins, all of whom are-a bookies. Yes?

(You decline.)

I think-a you no understand me. You TAKE bet, yes?

(You nod.)

Very good! Did-a you meet-a my sons?


They are strong, masculine-a children. One day they learn to make-a leather shoes, like-a me! Now, come and eat! We have a little proshoot. A little gabbagool. A little mootzarell. You-a never taste anything like-a it in your life! ANTONIA! MAKE-A WITH-A THE FOOD, OR I-A PUNCH-A YOU IN THE FACE!

This-a good time for us to talk business. I have 300 brand new Armani suits in my garage right now. I give-a you 4% off-a retail price.

What-a you mean, no thanks? I-a make you a nice offer! Maybe you-a no appreciate your friend, Salvatore! Maybe you-a think we Italians are criminals. Oooooh, I hate-a those cheap stereotypes! Vito! Mossimo!

TAKE-A HIM IN THE BACK AND BEAT HIM WITH-A MY SUSPENDERS.

When we through beating you, we watch-a Goodfellas and read Machivelli a-together, yes? Maybe share-a some scungilli?

MOLTO BELLO!!!!

Omigod, Such A Big Game! What Do I Wear To The Stadium?

Omigod, everyone's gonna be watching and I haven't got a THING to wear! These assless chaps are too last fall. And this leather halter top is far too suggestive. GOOD GOD, WHAT DO I DO? SOMEBODY SAVE ME!


Gunn: Go with the little black dress and don't look back, dear.

No pirate costume?

Gunn: Always be wary of the costume look. This is FASHION, my dear. MAKE IT WORK!

I will, Fairy fairy godmother! I will!

The Fackin’ Patree-uts Are Fackin’ 16-0, You Fackin’ S—tbawxes!

You fackin’ Paytree-ut haters out there thought we couldn’t go 16-0. But we Pats fans nevuh had any doubt. And there is no doubt as to who will be victorious in Arizonuh five weeks from now. I haven’t felt this confident of anything since I passed around my petition to have that Persian family kicked out of my neighborhood. NO FACKIN’ MAGIC CARPET RIDIN’, LAMP-RUBBIN’ CAMEL JOCKEY FAMILY BELONGS IN FACKIN’ QUINZEE, MASS! AM I RIGHT, PEOPLE?!

You know what really fackin’ pisses me off? The gawddamn Paytree-uts go 16-0, and those fackin’ shitbawxes in the media still don’t give them any fackin’ respect! It’s a fackin’ joke. Like these Wild Caaaaad teams. Why are they paying attention to these Wild Caaaaaaaad teams? None of them stand a chance AGAINST THE FACKIN’ PATS JUGGUHNUT! Fack that. The Paytree-uts would facking kick the shit out of them like I kick the shit out of my dog, Beasley. He’s a good dog. But when he barks, I gawtta give him a taste of my Lugz, you know what I’m sayin’?

And you, Miami Dolphins! You too can hang on my ballsack. Fackin’ Dawn Shoola. You old piece of shit. Why don’t you go play some fackin’ backgammon and drink some fackin’ Sunsweet prune juice, you fackin’ pantshittuh! You too, Mercury Morris. Why don’t you go snort some cocaine and drive your car into a telephone pole, you stupid daaaaaa-kie! Ha! Black people are so dumb.

(drinks lighter fluid)

Oh my God! Is that G-Love and Special Sauce? Fitz, turn that shit up! This shit fackin’ rawks!

My baby’s got sawce!

This whole hatred of the Pats comes from simple jealousy. You fackin’ Pats hatuhs out there are just jealous of our incredible success. You’re jealous of Tommy Brady’s good looks, and Bill Belichick’s superior intellectualness. But you are also jealous of Boston as a whole. You are jealous of our fine schools, like Hahvuhd, and M-eye-tee, and South Quinzee Gun Repair And Event Planning Correspondence Institute, which I attend. You’re jealous of the Red Sox. And the Celts. And the fact that we legalized gay marriages specifically so that we could jump faggots coming out of da church and give them the fishhook.

And you’re jealous of the guns. Admit it. They look fackin’ great. My girl Tina likes it when I do the military press with my shirt off, and I can’t blame her. Right, honey?


Nice, huh? I just got her to go from smoking 5 packs of Pahluhmint a day to 4 and a half. It only took five weeks of slappin’ her around and calling her a fat, smelly piece of dogshit to get it done. You fackin’ fatass Pittsburgh fans have that kind of discipline? I think not.

So keep on hatin’ us, you piece of shit fans of other piece of shit NFL teams. Me and all my buddies from Quinzee feed off of that shit. It only makes us stronger. And, as you can see, I am quite strong already. My boss says I have a real few-chuh in moving armoires. Suck on that. 19-0 is inevitable, you pansies. There’s nothing you can do about it. Just sit back and enjoy ow-uh dawminunce. TAKE YOUR BEATING LIKE A MAN, LIKE BEASLEY DOES!

And, in case you still feel like whining, I’ll be here all postseason long, aftuh every fackin’ Pats blow-oot, to remind you of how fackin’ superiuh the fackin’ Pats are. Because we fackin’ DESERVE this success. Okay? I personally had to struggle through all those early years of the Pats, when they never went to the Super Bowl. Except in ’85. And ’96. I had to live through the indignity of purposely avoiding Pats games because they were loosuhs, and I did not care about them. That hurt. So if you think I’m not gonna revel in Pats’ awesomeness. YOU AAAA OUTTA YOUR FACKIN’ TREE, SHITBAWX!