Breaking: Tom Brady to Play Tonight's Game with Gisele's Dog Up His Ass

"Shouldn't've ordered all that dick"

Which is only slightly less gay than carrying the dog around in this bag.

Even though we revel in bagging on the guy whenever possible, Simmons' column this week was actually, truth to tell, pretty good and well-reasoned. That must be his first one this season. If you're a Pats fan - and fuck you if you are - that's gotta be a troubling sign.

But leave it to The Onion to trump him with the concise and very real insight into the minds of Pats fans this week. I'm sure Silky Garrard will receive only the most levelheaded and gentlemanly of heckling from the Gillette Stadium crowd.

Of course, I'm gonna go ahead and say there's no fucking chance in hell Jacksonville wins this game. Are they just plain not good enough to beat the Pats? Perhaps. But more so because the league will do whatever it takes to ensure that the New England-Indianapolis AFC Title Game goes down. If this game is even remotely close, be sure to take a shot every borderline call (or non-call) that goes the Patriots' way. Just don't have your relatives sue the site when you die of alcohol poisoning.

The People Vs. Heinz Field: The Hater's Guide to the Postseason.

If you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Okay, well, lust probably won't do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is the first in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.

AFC 5th Seed -- Jacksonville Jaguars (11-5)

"Heinz Field is terrible. That's a lawsuit pending" -- Fred Taylor 1/1/08

Plaintiff's attorney: On numerous occasions the conditions at Heinz Field have been found to be substandard, on others disastrously uninhabitable. My client asserts that the grounds have left him subject to permanent injury. What have you to stay to that?

Heinz Field: glug glug glug glug glug

Defense attorney: Objection! Point of fact: Did not Fred Taylor rush for 147 yards and a touchdown at Heinz Field not more than a month ago? And has Fred Taylor not been injured by the following things throughout his career: Popsicle stick houses, the blown seeds off a dandelion, dust mites, tall grass, fallen Jenga blocks, taking off his socks and tripping on the end of an escalator?

Plaintiff's attorney: My client's history of impairment is immaterial to the downright neglectful and irresponsible tending of Pittsburgh's playing surface. What matters is that on any carry this weekend he could sustain a career-ending injury for no other reason than the field is a sloppy midden heap.

Defense attorney: I wish to call to the stand Hines Ward, a player who has competed on the surface without incident since the stadium opened in 2001.


Defense attorney: Hines, would you describe the turf at Heinz Field as substandard?

Hines Ward: Rrrraaaahhhhh. That so sally! Almost ridicurous! Seen many worst condition than that. Back home, each leceiver get sampan when go out on route.

Hines Ward: See? He wide open for super fantastic catch! I think Fled Tayrol is just lazy pampered Amerrrcan. He no know meaning of hard work.

I can smirrre now?


Plaintiff's attorney: Very well. I have someone of my own who I would like to call to the stand: Troy Polamalu, who has played his entire career with Heinz Field as a home stadium, has been dogged by knee injuries this season, most likely caused by the shoddy playing surface at Heinz. Troy...



Polamalu: (speaking softly, inaudibly)

Plaintiff's attorney: You're gonna need to speak up, Troy.

Polamalu: Help, sinky sand!

Drecksonville vs. Crapapolis. WHO YA GOT?

It's a battle for supremacy in the AFC South, with the quietly powerful and workmanlike (read: boring) Jaguars hosting the Colts, the NFL's top alsoran to the Patriots, and, you know, the defending champs. Jacksonville winning would temper the next soon to be painfully hyped battle of the unbeatens in a few weeks. And we can't have that. Seriously, this week's games are abysmal. WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

Jacksonville Jaguars___________________Indianapolis Colts

Record

4-1______________________5-0

Named for

Andrew Jackson__________________The fucking state it occupies

Bragging rights

Ran for 375 yards on Indy last December____Their bearded white receiver is actually good

Why are you living there?

Those awful Tampa Bay snobs_____Frightened by all the blacks in Gary

"Contributions" to American culture

Limp Bizkit____________________Indianapolis Motor Speedway

Redeeming qualities

Lemme get back to you on that one__________Stole team from Baltimore

Notable former residents

Okay, it's warm in the wintertime__________________Kurt Vonnegut

Favorite form of credit

MJD's goal post ATM___________Tony Dungy's indulgences

Finishing move

Die of boredom_________________Move to Florida, die of boredom

They Managed To Sign Charles Nelson Reilly To An Offer Sheet, But Gaytown Matched The Terms

By now, you've probably heard that the Jacksonville Jaguars signed former No. 1 Draft Pick and Where The Fuck Are They Now coverboy Tim Couch to a two-year deal. Two. Twice. Two times. If he makes the team, he'll pocket the league minimum, a paltry $595k. If not, then it's back to second shift at Kinkos.

This is the NFL's equivalent of, you know, when you're out of clean underwear and you haven't done laundry, and so you're like hunting around, sniffing every dirty pair of underwear on your floor (hopefully, you're just wafting the scent of the garment to your nose, unless you have a fucking death wish). And finally you get to that striped pair of boxer briefs and you think, "This pair doesn't smell like complete shit." At that point, I'll steam iron them or pop 'em in the microwave for 40 seconds or something. They feel fresher that way.

And I have no idea where I heard this story first, so you can take your hat tip and stick it up your ass. You're like a bunch of fucking girls.

UPDATE: While we're on the subject, stop sending us baseball shit. We don't care. Next baseball link we get is earning an invitation to a Lemon Party, courtesy of twoeightnine.

UPDATE: Do not Google "Lemon Party." Please.

KSK 2007 NFL Prekkake: Jacksonville Jaguars

Sadly, that boy, dear readers, was the smartest boy
in all of Jacksonville Proper.

Five fast facts:

1. The Jags often seem torn between Byron Leftwich and David Garrard. The unpleasant reality: they both suck big time.

2. Travel tip: Jacksonville Landing is a red-neckier version of the Baltimore’s Inner Harbor. Upscale alfresco dining on Styrofoam plates, yee-fucking-haw. If you go, stay in Ponte Vedra or St. Augustine and drive up. Seriously.

3. Matt Jones is fantasy kryptonite for starry-eyed white boys. Be strong. Avoid him.

4. MoJo Drew’s father gave him a belt than enables him to whip any man’s ass.

5. With Mike Rumph apparently out of the game, KSK is hoping for a break-out season from Jamaal Fudge.

Projected 2007 record: 8-8

Actual 2007 record: 8-8

Between the shitty AFC South and playing the AFC West teams out of division this season, there are a lot of beatable teams on the Jags’ schedule. If end Reggie Heyward can return to the form he had two seasons ago and Mr. MoJo Risin' continues to run all over defenses, the Jags should continue to hover around .500. But meaningful playoff success for this version of the Jags is over.

If the Jags can land (a healthy) Daunte Culpepper, then the Jags fans might have something to cheer about this season. Otherwise, one of the few things that might bear watching this is coach Jack Del Rio’s sartorial showcase. But I doubt that legions of Jags fans clad in Limp Bizkit and WWE t-shirts will be overwhelmed with the cut of the coach’s suit. If you want to impress people in Florida with a suit it should be covered in rhinestones or be full of spy gadgets like Jackie Chan's tuxedo in that one movie. I can't remember the name of that flick, but I think it was called Jennifer Love Hewitt: Still Not Topless.

Last week, left tackle Khalif Barnes received six months probation stemming from his DUI arrest last year. This silver-tongued, smooth talker thought he could charm his way out of a night in the cooler by coyly calling the police officer: “A white KKK devil.” Oh, K-Bar, you little minx. In case you missed it a while back when MDS had it at the Fanhouse, here is the police video of the arrest.

I thought the phrase “colored people” was deemed passé over a generation ago. Is Barnes trying to bring “colored people” back? Should I wait to see if Will Smith says it first? Then we will know it is okay for white folks to say it too. Drunk or not, Barnes still exhibits flashes of lucidity in this video, particularly when he refers to Jacksonville as a “hick town.” In vino veritas, motherfuckers.

Byron & David & Daunte & Quinn & Blackula

We, the gimlet-eyed writers of KSK, are not without our analytical side. What is going on in the shittier cities in Florida is not going unnoticed. Indeed, we find it behooves us to deliver the shocking truth:

They are hording mediocre quarterbacks.

Florida, of course, is a bizarre state, a silly place. Why else would fark.com and every car that cuts me off on the Beltway have Florida tags? Coincidence? Surely it is not.

Tampa Bay was first to start the proliferation. Garcia, Simms, Plummer, Gradkowski, probably another Bush brother in there somewhere. It's a sly plot to engender gay jokes and maybe draw a litte attention to a team that's bound to vie with the Vikings for the NFC cellar.

End of story? Was the Anschluss the end of the story?

It appears Jacksonville is content no longer just to be the bearer of a soigne head coach, whose hints of professionalism belie the 45 minutes of fervent masturbation in his Tercel before gametime. Now they want a bunch of quarterbacks who break down a quarter of the way through the season. And not even Donovan McNabb.

What's most disturbing is that none of the players on the roster seem to give a damn. Certainly some more sinister motive beyond winning nine or 10 games and narrowly missing the playoffs is at work here.

If Anthony Wright shows up next, you'll know we were onto something.

Jag Hags: These Colors Don't Run

Many a pundit has said that the key for the Jaggiewires this evening is to match the style of the (5xSBC) Steelers, and that was tacitly understood to mean that they should play with similar physicality often exhibited by the team, and not the singularly dribbling, polkatardedness of its fans. In that respect, at least, Jacksonville has done Pittsburgh one better, even throwing in some Florida flair.

From that coruscating beacon of journalism, First Coast News:

The Jacksonville Jaguars are gearing up for Monday Night Football. The Big Cats take on the defending Super Bowl Champions, the Pittsburgh Steelers tonight. The Steelers and their fans have the "Terrible Towels." The Jags have their teal! Jacksonville Mayor John Peyton has proclaimed Monday, September 18th, as All-Teal Day. He wants everyone to wear teal to work and school. At the game, he's hoping to see a sea of teal as Alltel Stadium becomes All-Teal Stadium...

The game starts at 8:30 p.m. But the fun will start much earlier. Many fans plan to tailgate and get pumped up for the big game.

Holy shit, tailgating? Fuck, we didn't think they'd have their football fandom down yet after 11 years, but hell, there you go. How many fans? Many? That's like, more than five, right? Oh right, that's lazy journalism jargon for "probably a lot but we can't check." How many Steelers fans will be in the crowd to ruin the teal motif? My guess is many. Say, how'd that teal thing work for Nick Saban last week? Oh no, don't bother checking. I'm sure you have some lost dog story you're leading with for 7 p.m. broadcast.

The Big Cats? This is the endearing name by which the Jacksonian Football Enthusiasts embrace their team? Dan Shanoff is crying all over his two word sentences. Crying. Jags.

And we've got some some Martian Macaca joining the festivities. Or should we say, the fes-TEAL-ities. Oh ho ho, make me mayor right now. No really. I'm more qualified than John Peyton. Know how I know? Because I wouldn't declare official days to be things that would fail as office morale tactics. How about that? So, seriously, make me mayor.