Friday, April 20, 2007

This Week's Mock Draft: Animals We Want for Our Personal Zoos

You know, we have rules in our mock draft for a reason. They give us definitive parameters that keep us from arguing needlessly, and it tends to keep things from getting too fantastic.

And yet every fuckin' week, the commenters have a race to ignore the rules that we carefully set down. Several weeks after the "Actions Scenes We Want to Be a Part of" Draft (note the emphasis), I heard from a reader who just COULDN'T BELIEVE no one picked the 12-minute single-cut scene from the end of Children of Men. Oh, really? Clive Owen spends the entire scene running for his fucking life 'cause he doesn't have a gun. What part of that do you want to be a part of? "Well, yeah, but it was a cool scene." For fuck's sake, LOOK AT THE RULES.

These are the parameters for this week (pretty loose, because by this point we're self-policing):

"These are animals for our own personal zoo. You do not need to upkeep these animals. A personal zookeeper and corresponding ecosystem will be provided. Must be current species, so no megalodons or T-Rexes. As always, serpentine draft order."

1. flubby: Elephant

I imagine once you own an elephant, it sort of consumes your public persona. Instead of being referred to as "that one guy who and has a kickass job and is hung like a clydesdale plus he has the waaay hot wife and the best looking kid in town" as I am now, I would be simply known to all as "that guy with the elephant." Still, it would be worth it, especially if it would use its trunk to help me wash my trunk. I think I saw that once on either "National Geographic" or "The Flintstones."

2. Captain Caveman (hey, that's me!): Grizzly-Polar Bear Hybrid

Not only is it extremely rare (thus leading to huge profits for my personal zoo), but I choose to believe that this hybrid combines all the deadliest aspects of both species. Gifted swimmer. Powerful digger. Godless. Killing. Machine.

(I also did this for the good of the draft. By picking the hybrid, I've trumped anyone's ability to claim either the polar bear or grizzly bear, thus preventing what could have been a dispute about whether all bears should be off the board after one bear is selected.)

Drew: It needs a catchier name. Polar Bizz-ear!

flub: (from Wiki) "the offspring of a male Polar bear and a female Grizzly would be a "Pizzly bear," while the offspring of a male Grizzly and a female Polar bear would be a "Grolar bear.""

Drew: Fo shizzle my grizzle!

3. Monday Morning Punter: Tyrannosaurus Rex

The baddest animal in all the land, at least until that meteor came. I did not see a moratorium on extinct animals.

MMP was then sent to the Asshole Box for five minutes.

3. MMP, take 2: Hedgehog

The hedgehog is a dynamite little animal. So much so that they're illegal in many states and can't be taken on planes. There have been video games named after them. The infield fly rule was created by a hedgehog, and two hedgehogs currently sit on the US Supreme Court. Some of these are even true.

He has plans to name it "Renaldo Balkman."

4. Big Daddy Drew: Great White Shark

If I own a great white shark, that means I can watch it eat shit all day long. I'd do massive bong hits all morning, then just park my ass in front of the aquarium and watch him go to town. It would be like Shark Week, only just for me. And if someone were to fall into my tank "by accident", well there wouldn't be much evidence left over.

5. Christmas Ape: Giant Panda

Women adore them. Like China, I can rent the stupid thing to a zoo for millions of dollars and take it back on a whim. Also, despite cuteness, giant pandas are sufficiently adept at people killing. I may get tired of the sexual harassment lectures, however.

6. Unsilent Majority: Gorilla

Have you seen a fucking gorilla? Those are some badass motherfuckers and they're smarter than the average NFL GM. They are the greatest animal in existence.

7. UM: Chimpanzee

If movies have taught us anything it's that chimps are the world's funniest and most useful animal. They can operate flight simulators but they're also cool just chillin out, smoking pot, and joyriding.

8. Xmas Ape: White Tiger

All the benefits of a regular tiger but the cachet of rarity. Forget zip code or membership to exclusive clubs, the real ticket to the elite is white tiger ownership. KSK spokescat Jean Grey probably needs a friend anyway, even if it's one that could eat her in one bite.

9. Drew: Giant Crocodile

Crikey! Isn't she a beauuuuty?! It nearly bit off me chuzzwuzzers! Let's go drink and shandy and bask in the glow of this MAGNIFICENT creature. Oh, and I'd definitely store my croc in the galley of my yacht to attack unsuspecting black partners, ala Sonny Crockett.

10. MMP: Lion

I didn't see anyone pick a Lion. I'm taking the Lion. It's tough to be King of the Jungle and still have great hair.

11. CC: Prairie Dog Colony

Is it a badass pick? Not at all. But the prairie dogs never have an off day. They're always coming out of their holes, standing on hind legs, squeaking at each other, chasing each other around... I'll say it: the prairie dogs are cute. And ladies love cute animals. Cute animals at my private zoo are gonna get me laid.

Naturally, Drew objected to my pick, contending that I should only get one prairie dog, because married people hate it when single people get laid. The Draft Committee discussed the complaint, and ruled in favor of me getting the colony. Bada bing.

flub: "Also, Dude, colony is not the preferred nomenclature. Prairie dog town, please."

12. flub: Giraffe

I might name it Allison Janney, but probably not. Elephant and giraffe with my first two picks? My menagerie owns.

13. flub: Thylacine

Whether or not thylacines still exist in Tasmania is the subject of some debate. The last one in captivity died nearly 100 years ago. But since we are allowing "theoretical" animals like the pizzly in, I want this one. I mean just look at it. Bad ass. Who's sneaking in my back yard? No one, that's who.

Pizzly bear theoretical? My ass. Did he not see the Wikipedia page? Still, a good pick. I don't think we've seen an animal unhinge its jaw like that since Linda Lovelace.

14. CC: Snow Leopard.

Every time I go to the zoo, the lions and tigers are just sitting around being lazy fucks. Not the snow leopard. It just stalks around, pissed off at the world that it's in a confined area. It's ready to kick some ass. Which is great, because I've got extra prairie dogs.

Also, it looks kinda cute = me getting laid. Yes!

UM: nice pick whitey!

15. MMP: Penguins

They have their own movies. They drink coke. They're well-dressed. And they have 2 Stanley Cups.

16. Drew: Hippos

A hog and a frog
Cavort in the bog

But not the hippopotamus

And you know why? Because the hippo was too busy laying in wait in the river, hoping to fucking swallow them both whole. Hippos: cute AND deadly. And BIG!

17. Xmas Ape: Bald Eagle

Ufford's patriotic bona fides are already well in place, but, as a journalist, I'm branded a traitor and a commie on a daily basis. Now, should the allegation arise, all I need to do is produce Christmas Eagle (now THAT'S American) to dispel any such notions. Then have it peck the bastard's eyes out.

18. UM: Australian Sea Lion

That's one damn cute animal. They're adept in the water and equally comfortable poolside, but they might best be served as wingmen at the bar. from Wiki: The males fight other males from very young to establish their individual positions in the male hierarchy and during the breeding season, dominant males will guard females for the right to breed with her when she comes into oestrus.

God damn right.

Where did we fuck up? Tell us we should have taken Children of Men in the comments.


John S. said...

Not bad picks.. not at all...

However, the fact that a wolverine has slipped into free agency is unforgivable.

By the way... want to see a real man's country draft?.

Redhead said...

Flubby got the best pick with the giraffe, but he forgot to mention that they have blue tongues - basically the coolest and most fun thing about them.

Unknown said...

Hot Latin women love Panthers. How do you expect to get hot Latin women without a panther. Yeah and it's got to be black.

Unknown said...

A hog and a frog do a dance in the bog?

You ARE a parent, Drew.

John S. said...

More important than the blue tongue? The fact that they are utterly noiseless. At 4:00 a.m., you will relish in this choice while the guy who took the lion is putting his pillow over his head.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Married people hate it when single people get laid

Goddamn right.

BeaverFever said...

my daughter would approve of the panda and penguin picks.

i would have picked a kangaroo and force it to box hobos and other assorted drifters.

Rob I said...

MMP is an dicknose for stealing the commenters thunder and breaking the rules.

Big Daddy Drew said...

I can't believe MMP picked a hedgehog and failed to make a Ron Jeremy reference.

Redhead said...

In the spirit of the 'cute animals get you laid' theory, I'll throw in the mongoose. They're adorable (yet still carnivors and can kick a little ass), and the word mongoose is fun to say.

OK, back to work. Happy 4/20 everyone.

Chris said...

No stingray?

They're true godless killing machines unlike those pussy crocodiles.

Anonymous said...

Fuck it, sell your car and get a kangaroo. The slimy pouch is well worth the gas money you'll save.

Or go the Beavis route and get a flying bear.

jackin'4beats said...

Tyrannosaurus Rex??? This is the same guy who got this site overrun by ladies... so I guess that makes sense.

To the Asshole Box with ye...

I think I would have taken Orca so I could drop it into Drew's aquarium and find out once and for all, who the biggest badass was.

And there would be no evidence except for all that blood in the water.

BeaverFever said...

great call BDD on the Ron Jeremy/Hedgehog ref. you truly smarter than the average Pizzly/Grolar bear.

i'm actually a little disappointed in my-self that i didn't catch that

Rob I said...

MMP also wasted a fantasy draft pick on something he already owns.

I would have chosen 'Barbaro'.

AdamAnt said...

I would have selected a female Human, a platypus for freak show effect and it has venom.

Surprised Drew didn't bust out 'I wanna Purple Hippopotamus'

brad said...

The gorilla is a great pick. I once saw a show about them in captivity and saw one bend a tractor tire in half, like some guy using a pec deck at the gym. Scary strength.

Captain Caveman said...

"Female human" is an amazing pick. That's the kind of thinking that will make you a KSK stalwart, Adamant.

Grimey said...

A few years back I went with my dad and my stepmom to the Montgomery Zoo (in Montgomery, Alabama). Every single animal there was just laying around, looking depressed. It's like they knew they were in Montgomery, Alabama.

Then we finally got to this open area, and a rhinoceros was laying in a mudhole, just leaning back and forth. It was mesmerizing.... All of a sudden it cut a huge fart, which made the mud start flying. One of the top three coolest animal-related things I have ever seen in person.

Cleveland Brown said...

someone definitely needs a komodo dragon...imagine what a badass you would be walking that thing down the street. plus it can kill someone with its breath.

CJ said...

Prairie dogs still carry the plague do they not? I believe that's why we were asked to put .243 rounds through them in Colorado.

I've seen a walrus beat it, does that count for cool?

Barney said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ryan The Intern said...

No sloths?

Smello said...

1) Ocelot. I don't really know much about it except that it's a carnivorous cat and the name is fun to say.

2) Fresh Water (Smooth-Coated) Otters. Did you see them take on that croc on Planet Earth? No. Then you are missing some quality TV.

3) Moose. I know they're dumb, but I'm from NH, so well - I like them. And they have great me.

Barney said...

About 10 years ago I went through one of those drive-thru zoos and a Rhino started pissing next to my Jeep. First, you have to imagine a fire hose of hot urine blasting out of something the size of a lineman's thigh. That image was for the ladies. Then, imagine this going on for what seemed like 3 minutes. It filled up what looked like a giant kiddie pool of urine. At the beginning it was actually moving great gouts of earth out of the way. Later, on a switchback I saw a Honda Civic drive into this same "puddle" up to the wheel wells. Then that family parked it and let it sit in the sun all day while they rode the rides. I bet that smelled fun on the drive home - if the axle didn't dissolve half way up the Garden State Parkway.

- Barney

(Wolverine and "human female" were my closet badass picks. Especially with adjoining cages where they fight for food. It's research, dammit!)

Anonymous said...

killer whale? did I miss this

My Insignificant Life said...

Lexington Steele and Shyamali (Sanjaya's sister)because I'm thinking they deserve each other and would be fun to watch - ok, maybe not fun to watch, but at least provide video for future posts on the KSK Site.

Don't You Judge Me said...


Come on, you can't deny that watching him wouldn't be amusing!

San_Erino said...

I agree with adamant. Platypi look funny and adorable, but they're mean, territorial, and have poisonous spurs on their hind legs. Plus, they lay eggs to sustain their benevolent keepers during nuclear winter.

Human females are nice, but I've never seen a platypus.

Wormfather said...

I think it was put best in Fight Club..."I'd like to put a bullet between the eyes of all those pandas that wouldnt [fuck] to save their species"

Now an orca killer whale. That's an animal I can get behind.

Visious Killer - Check
Cute - Check
Can play catch with it - Bonus check, provided I can toss a 100lbs pound seal 20 yards.

Anonymous said...

thank you wormfather.

Ryan The Intern said...

Update: Jim Halpert suggests black bears.

Unknown said...

No one took the liger? I'm shocked.

WI Browns Fan said...

Peregrine Falcon

1. Can fly over 200 mph
2. Kills other birds, and can be trained to hunt and return to a human owner
3. Ability to breathe while flying over 200 mph served as the air flow model for modern fighter jets

'nuff said

Mark said...

Does The Predator count as an animal. He would be able to fuck alot of shit up. Combine him with a Pac-Man Jones, then we'll really see "making it rain."

Anonymous said...

The main reason why I hate going to the zoo normally is that most of the animals are just sitting around, and refuse to expel massive amounts of energy for my own amusement. Now, these draft selections have been (mostly) awesome, but what happens once they're in captivity? It would be cool to arrange their environment to show off their best features.

Like, I might take an ordinary bull as a draft pick, but then paint his enclosing all red, and drop in fake (or real?) matadors for my bull to gore whenever visitors arrive. You have to put on a show for the people!

Captain Caveman said...

Well done, Mark. I knew somebody had it in them to pick the Children of Men scene.

Unknown said...

Drew should have followed up the Hippo with the Velveteen Rabbit.

1. Ears lined with pink sateen.
2. Plucked from the fire by an angel and given life.
3. Skin Horse always has his back with wise advice.

The Capgun Bandit said...

c'mon no baboon? These things have bright blue and red faces to get the ladies, but are also vicious predators that can protect the backyard from hobos. Plus when they're in heat, the lady boons ass swells up like a red balloon. That's just awesome.

Unknown said...

WTF? No one took the spitting cobra? A freakin' snow leopard was chosen before a cobra?

well, at least someone referenced Grandma's Boy

MDT said...

I'd have gone with a boa constrictor, then traded it to Sacramento for Ron Artest and picks.

Unknown said...

Good fuckin call on the boxing kangaroo. Forget cock fights--slap some gloves on a kangaroo and a monkey and we got ourselves one hell of a friday night.

There are these creatures in the Elephant house at the DC zoo- they look like really large rats/guinea pigs--they are freakishly scary and make me cringe but everytime I go to the zoo I run to see them. I'd pick one of those- they are so ugly they are cool.

Anonymous said...

can i pick an individual person and like a hungry killer whale, is this acceptable. or perhaps the staff of espn and a killer whale. or if i am going to cheat , and get sent to the asshole box, like mmp then i will take a raptor.

Jon J. said...

how does you titilate an ocelot?
you oscilate it's tit a lot !

yesiamahooker said...


it is capybara at the national zoo. they are the world's largest rodents.

save the steagles said...

Punter how cruel do you have to be to put a Pens video up the day after they get eliminated from the playoffs? The one day I need to be away from hockey and I find it on KSK, of all places. That hurts.

TheStarterWife said...

Ape easily won that draft with pandas and bald eagles. (Extra points for posting the pic of Sam the Eagle.) MMP and Flubby were not far behind though.

Cheetas, (go watch Duma - which was directed by the great Carroll Ballard and then screwed in the release by Warner Brothers - sometime), and Andean Condors would have been my picks.

(Although dolphins and giant squids would have been nice third rounders.)

BeaverFever said...

that caybara looks like a hamster/gerbil hybrid on steroids.

i might have drafted a narwhal. they are whales with a unicorn spike sticking out of its head. weird.

yesiamahooker said...

i attempted to find a narwhal being eaten by a polar bear on youtube but there doesn't seem to be one. that would have been awesome...

BeaverFever said...

yes hooker. awesome in deed.

Unknown said...

When I read the premise, I mentally asked myself "How long before flubby picks a Pokemon? He'd probably go for a Bulbasaur or something."

Captain Caveman said...

Steagles, sorry about the Pens. That was my fault -- I thought Crosby highlights would be a good thing. I had no idea the NHL playoffs were going on.

But I also chose the Sam the Eagle pic, so at least I didn't fuck everything up.

Steve said...

Hey CC: Prairie dogs are one of the species of animals who are still carriers of the bubonic plague.

Prairie dogs badass? no.

Prairie dogs infected with the black death badass? Fuck and YES!

Ben N. said...

Ditto the first comment on Wolverines.

Although, I have to say, how can none of you be ruthless to pick the greatest animal of all:


It would've at least made a good Vonnegut tribute.

Steve said...

crap. should have read the comments BEFORE posting. CJ beat me to it.

save the steagles said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
save the steagles said...

It's alright, CC. Normally if I saw Sidney Crosby and KSK together it would provide so much hotness and testosterone I would pass out on the spot, so I guess it’s actually a good thing you put it up today.

And the Sam the Eagle selection should certainly be commended.

Anonymous said...

You gotta go with the white rhino. A two-ton, armored battering ram with legs that can get up to a running speed of 30 mph? I'm the REAL juggernaut, bitch!

TheStarterWife said...

How did I not put an "h" in Cheetahs?

Steagles - I even made lucky nachos we talked about on Ladies for the Pens. Boo. Tummy ache and a loss.

Dammit. Narwhal is an awesome pick.

Grimey said...

I agree. Good call on the narwhal.

BeaverFever said...

not sure why i even know what a narwhal is, but i'm pretty sure the B-52's mention one in "rock lobster".

BeaverFever said...

also, you know it's friday when a post has gotten 60 plus comments.

Your Fabulous Host said...

I would have picked the liger. Bred for it's magical skills and powers. Plus, they actually do exist, which I wasn't aware of (because I'm stupid, see). And, by Ufford's reasoning, would have eliminated a tiger AND a lion in one pick.

Unknown said...


thanks- now I can put a name to my nightmares.

They should feel those things to the hippo next door.

Trader Rick said...

fun incantation:
Noble narwhals skewer Schrutebag.

Jordi said...

Not a bad draft gentlemen, but sadly lacking in cryptozoology i.e. the Yeti, el chupacabra, and my personal favorite: the Mongolian Death worm - from .

"If reports are to be believed, the Mongolian Death Worm is the ultimate animal psycho. Get on the wrong side of it and you can expect to be sprayed with a lethally acidic venom that can corrode metal."

In other words, it's like the Sex Cannon in animal form.

The Capgun Bandit said...

Another bonus on the Capybara: The catholic church officially classifies it as a fish(I shit you not, check wikipedia) so you can still eat it on fridays.

runningbyrd said...

You guys have obviously never been to a zoo. For the most part, you chose the most boring animals around.

Elephant? Lion? Tiger? Bear? Gorilla?

What a joke.

sharks and otters were good picks though. They're always doing something at the zoo.

#1 pick should have been a ringtailed lemur.

Mark said...

Captain Caveman said...

Well done, Mark. I knew somebody had it in them to pick the Children of Men scene.

Exactly the response I was looking for. Yes! 1-0 for the good guys.

Jimbromski said...

Big mistake in not picking the Humanzee:

Unknown said...

Humanzees make me uncomfortable in a good way. There are lots of good picks above. From what's left, I would choose a mamba for badassness, a scorpion for badassness/size, and a pygmy mouse lemur for the ladies because small is always cute.

Unknown said...

I will refer any of you who think that my post above deserves a penis joke to my mamba.

Deleterious said...

Thylacine? Isn't that some kind of synthetic heroin?

Tracer Bullet said...

Brown recluse spider. Why?

I'll also take the wild boar. Six feet long, 450 pounds, razor sharp tusks, mean as all hell and ugly as sin to boot.

swing4 said...


Unknown said...

I think KSK made a behind-the-scenes agreement not to pick the mamba. Why? To avoid the divisive Kobe Awesome/Not Awesome debate that would tear this comment section asunder.


Unknown said...

A PACK OF LAUGHING HYENAS would be my number 1 ... according to ancient african tribes they are part cat, part dog, and straight from hell. They have the strongest jaw strenth of any land animal in the world. Plus they are fucking laughing at you as they move into kill. Imagine yourself in total darkness and silence and hearing these hybrid dogs laughing in the distance, moving in closer on you to digest your bones. They can kill elephants and lions and every other animal in africa. Seeing and hearing these fuckers on the discovery channel scare me. Check out a clip of them laughing and hunting in the dark ... if you dont mind having nightmares.

Tracer Bullet said...

Fuck it, I want a shark-eating dinosaur.

JH said...

Polar bears drink Coke. Penguins drink beer.

Doobie doobie doo.