Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Better Know A Draft Pick: Gaines Adams

Welcome to the latest installment of KSK's newest series, Better Know a Draft Pick. We'll lead up to April's draft by giving you all the pertinent info you'll need on the league's newest disappointments-to-be.

Name: Adam Gaines Gaines Adams

Height: Tall
Body Type: Longer than the SG's diary
Speed: Good enough

Urine Sample: Shwaggy
Stool Sample: Soft and lacking bulk

Criticisms: Soft and lacking bulk

Mainstream Comparison: Jevon Kearse
KSK Comparison: Simeon Rice - the douchebaggery

Who's Interested: The camera guy in the green room

Who Will Take Him: The Vikings. He's the one piece that could make all the difference between a two-win season and a three-win season.

Honors: People have been riding his jock for quite some time. His CSTV bio tells us that Gaines was named "...first-team preseason All-American according to Playboy, Lindy's, and Phil Steele." Now this is just a guess but I'd say that's a nudie magazine, a strip club, and an aging porn star. Not too shabby.

Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: He admitted to smoking marijuana so now we get to hear all of their fucking analysts talk about weed more than yours truly. Fuck steroids, binge drinking, and unprotected sex with skanky co-eds--these Kottonmouth Kings are a bunch of midnight tokers! (multi-generational musical fun!)

Ambitions: Doin' coke, drinkin' beers. Drinkin' beers, beers beers. Rollin' fatties, smokin' blunts. Who smokes the blunts? We smoke the blunts.
Fav Hangout: In between a convenience store and a video store

Fav Food: Whatever's special
Biggest Fear: Evil Bong

Immediate Impact: Automaic insertion into the league's substance abuse program will not stop him from knocking the shit out of quarterbacks in his rookie year (Goodell: HGH isn't a substance if I can't see it!).

Down the Road:

Pray for him.


Jez said...

What the fuck? That movie clip is even more bizarre than The Legend of Old Greg.

A.J. said...

Uh, let me get a nickel bag.

Fifteen bucks, little man, Put that shit in my hand. If that money doesn't show, then you owe me, owe me, owe.

Otto Man said...

Is it wrong that I recognized that was a "Reefer Madness" clip just from the still-shot? I'm pretty sure that's an NA warning sign. ("Does the Lord count as a person?")

Too bad you couldn't get the one of the manic-eyed dude playing the piano. Of course, Gaines would've just smashed the thing, so maybe this bit of brutality is the right fit after all.

Steve said...

my jungle love...o-e-o-e-o...

Anonymous said...

you wouldn;t last a day on the creek.

MyBoysAreMyLife said...

A Steve Miller AND a Clerks reference in the same post.

Very nice UM

AustinBoston said...

Who the fuck steals a monkey?

Smello said...

Thank you. I now get to enjoy The Joker on constant loop in my brain. Not really a terrible thing, but when one can really only remember a few verses, it's problematic.

I really love your peaches wanna shake your treeee.

flubby said...

Why I hate the Steve Miller Band:

Billy Mack is a detective down in Texas
You know he knows just exactly what the facts is
He ain't gonna let those two escape justice
He makes his livin' off of the peoples' taxes

Ken Dynamo said...

fuck you i'm not gay. i hate men. I LOVE WOMEN.

MyBoysAreMyLife said...

C'mon Flub, he's got some good humming songs.

Some people call me a Space Cowboy
Some call me gangster of love
Some people call me Maurice...

evan said...

I'm praying someone at Phillies or another company has the balls to try and sign an endorsement deal with a player.

I want Warren Sapp and Adams' faces on my next pack of Honey Palmas and Michael Irvin brand tiny mesh screens.

Otto Man said...

Why I hate the Steve Miller Band

Well said. Four tries at a rhyme and four misses.

They should've followed the example of the Pin Pals bowling team and rhymed "Homer" with "homer."

Peter McSheisty said...

According to Wiki, "Jungle Love" is a song by Morris Day and The Time as well as The Steve Miller Band. This is starting to freak me out. Maybe I shouldnt have done my pre-work bong rip this morning. Or crushed up those mushrooms in my Froot Loops. Get off my fucking shoulder Toucan Sam.

Larry Brown said...

snoochie boochie

the butler said...

"Evil Bong"

I don't know about everyone else, but that bong doesn't look evil to me at all...until you get to the death part, I guess.

runningbyrd said...

If you watch that video without sound, you can't tell if she's screaming or laughing.

runningbyrd said...

Of course, that also describes my sex life.

Laser Rocket Arm said...

They had to jazz up RM. Watching people sit on the couch eating Doritos and watching reruns of "Small Wonder" does not a cinematic opus make.

Robert said...

ima fuck this bitch ima fuck this bitch...I'LL FUCK ANYTHING THAT MOVES!