Thursday, April 12, 2007

A Plea for Help from Inside Mel Kiper's Hair

Hello? Hello? Hello! Can anyone hear me? I’m trapped in a dark place. I’m not sure how I got here or where this is, and I’m very frightened. Is anyone there? Hello?

I’ve never been anywhere so dark. There is literally no light in here. I once spent a year in the heart of the Amazon as part of the Peace Corps. One night I had to travel to the next village to give medicine to an ailing child; the path was through triple canopy jungle and the night was rainy, yet I look back on that as a sunny day compared to this blackness into which I’ve plunged. God save me.

Hello? Anyone?

Hmmm... that’s a good metaphor – the jungle, that is. I’m surrounded on all sides by some kind of slick vine. It reeks of Brylcreem and petroleum in here, maybe a hint of lacquer. Good Lord, the scent is nauseating. To my dismay, the darkness has amplified my olfactory glands. Maybe I should sit down.

Hellllloooooooo!!!!!!!!!!! Somebody help me!!!

[vomiting, choking sounds]

Ugh, I shouldn’t have taken so much of this putrid air into my lungs. That was like the first pinch of Copenhagen I ever tried. I’ve got to take shallow breaths. Conserve energy. Hope for rescue.

No! I can get out of here! These vines must lead somewhere. I just need to climb one, get a better vantage point where my cries for help can be heard.

Dammit! That’s like a greased stripper pole! Slippery like a southern politician investigated for fraud. I’d have better luck in an illegal gambling hall run by pirates.

Heh. Pirates.

Shit! Focus, asshole. I have to climb this. There’s no way out of here but up. Christ, now I know how players on a Schottenheimer team feel in the playoffs. Okay. here I go.


Whoa, this vine is arcing back. Almost parallel to the ground. Other vines crowding in on me… Sweet mother Mary! The ceiling! I’ve found the ceiling! Hey! Hello! Can anyone—

Oh. Oh no. It’s harder than sheet rock. And yet sticky, kind of like… ugh. Feel faint… slipping…

[loud thud]

[labored breathing, then gurgling]



kevin said...

Good post, sums up yesterday perfectly. Although I was hoping Bukkake would rear its ugly head in there somewhere.

Otto Man said...

Well said. They don't call that hairdo a "widow's peak" for nothing.

Ryan The Intern said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ryan The Intern said...

Man, I haven't checked any news in a few weeks. Good to come back and see nothing really changes. Good ol' nappy headed Kipe.

Wait, what?

Anonymous said...

Still... not... clean.

Can you guys teach us how to make moccasins out of condoms and Preparation H?

Peter McSheisty said...

Kiper to play Count in Live-action movie.

(If I knew anything about html and posting links this might have worked out better.)

Hercules Rockefeller said...

That's going to mess up Kiper's dawg-gone top ten.

The Last Unitard said...

Vaya con dios, amigo.

MemphisRaines said...

Nice work CC - if I've counted correctly that's 5 posts on WL & 2 here. Thanks! This makes it much easier to compensate for all the work I did yesterday.

Smello said...

Perhaps going south to the Forbidden Zone instead of climbing would've lead to a more successful escape attempt.

Signal to Noise said...

+1 CC.

Kiper probably jacks it for hair product.

Anonymous said...

go ahead and laugh caveman... while you boys were wearing combat helmets to protect your noggin from stray bullets out there in the fucking desert, melly mel's dome is PERMANENTLY protected from stray shots by that inpenetrable shield of Got2BGlued quickrete and lacquer.

you think its funny... but that man had to cover draft prospects including maurice clarett and pacman jones for a living. dangerous fucking profession, my friend.

the butler said...

ahhhh, yes.

That first pinch of Copenhagen. How I miss the fourth grade.

Jez said...

Wow. You guys really had to fill this up with crap to get all the ladies post off the front, didn't you. Nothing like rehashing a Dan Snyder skit less than 2 weeks after the last one.