Thursday, April 5, 2007

Colin Cowherd Can Eat A Fat D--k

A lot of times we’ll get criticism from people when we shit all over big media types like Simmons. “What’s your problem, man? What are you, trying to start some kind of revolution? Stop with the whole blogs as an “Up with people” movement, asshole!” And I understand that criticism. It shouldn’t be an Us vs. Them thing. Lots of MSM reporters are great. Lots of bloggers are not.

But here’s the thing: Blogs have made this the most exciting time ever to be a sports fan. This community grows by the day, and people are constantly inspired to go off and start their own blogs and try writing things on their own. People are exchanging new ideas and jokes and all kind of new stuff. They’re making friends, discovering talents they never thought they had, and finding out that being a sports fan doesn’t have to be a passive activity. I made a couple of good friends thanks to this blog, and I’ve been able to explore opportunities I never would have before. So I tend to get a little pissy when major media types shit all over it. They’re trying to stop you from enjoying all this shit. And that bothers me as a sports fan.

And I get REALLY fucking pissed off when someone tries to shut it down outright. That’s what ESPN radio shitdick Colin Cowherd did to The Big Lead this morning. Read about the stunt here. If you’re wondering what The Big Lead did to piss Cowherd off, here’s what they told us:

Nothing. On his radio clip, he seemed angry that his listeners were listening on line, and slowing down his internet or something ... so he wanted to see what would happen if he 'blew up' someone's blog.

Then he pulled the pin and threw the grenade.

So, to recap: The Big Lead does nothing wrong, so Cowherd decides to swing his dick around and try and fuck over their site, a site the guys running it depend on for ad revenue. It’s the same as telling people to vandalize a business.

We discussed what to do in response to this. Should we send angry emails? No, ESPN loves it when their personalities get hate mail. Should we alert the FCC to such shenanigans? What Cowherd did is possibly illegal.

Well, we at KSK aren’t ones for creative solutions. No, I think I good ol’ fashioned name-calling contest works far better, packed with delicious vitriol. If we come up with a nickname for Cowherd that sticks, then that can become his name any time he is mentioned online. That way, his name is never given credit online, just the horrible moniker we’ve given him. But first, a rant:

Colin Cowherd, you are a worthless piece of shit. You look like a flaccid penis that’s been in a five-day sandstorm. I read on your Wiki page that:

Cowherd also likes to gently goof on his wife Kim for her occasional empty-headed moments, though he makes up for this by constantly complimenting her looks, good spirit, athleticism, and her ability to keep him ‘real.’

Well, Kim’s doing a poor job of keeping you real, you pompous ass. You’re about as real as Jim fucking Gray. And your empty-headed moments comprise the entirety of your life. Prick. Take your cock, cut it off, place in a potato or sesame seed bun, and eat it. You and your radio show can eat a dick. And Jim Nantz wants his hairdo back. Dipshit. When ESPN fires you (and they will), I will personally hold an online funeral to celebrate your demise. Hope you'll be there. We'll have virtual cake and shit. Until then, you shall be known as:

-Sphincter Boy
-Squirrel (one who likes nuts in the mouth)

Your suggestions and votes in the comments. Winner announced tomorrow.

UPDATE: You people gave us some fine choices. I particularly liked asscancer. But the winner is "Schrutebag". If you'd like to do the Urban Dictionary entry, A Schrutebag is a douchebag with sycophantic tendencies. Suits me just fine. So, from now on, that asshole is Schrutebag.


BeaverFever said...

ass clown
dick with ears
sock fucker

the possibilites are endless. i have to hear his weak ass promos when i listen to the yankees on the radio where i live due to it being an espn station. fuck him.

Unsilent Majority said...

I'm partial to Schrute and Cuntrag myself.

Rob I said...

shit omelet

AustinBoston said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
AustinBoston said...

Colon Dickturd, or just dickturd

Jordi said...

Check (Totally NSFW). If memory serves me right, they have a whole page dedicated to synonyms for pussy. Cowherd fits pretty much all of them.

I am partial to "mutherfuckin' dickfaced cunt" myself.

Military people have a certain poetry with insults. I am sure Caveman would agree.

Unknown said...

Asscorn is nice because it implies that he isn't fit to be an actual turd, just the corn stuck in the turd.

If I may:
Stinky little dick licker
Syphillitic necrophiliac
Ass cancer

You really should find out if that is illegal. What a complete flappy vaj.

Ryan The Intern said...

How about something from Borat? Everyone likes that movie. What was the town rapist's name? It sure would be funny to call him that.

Wait, what?

gone said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
gone said...

Engelbert Humperdinck II (that's The Second for you yokels)

Even his own wife won't kiss him with a name like that.

Lunatic Fringe said...


The Dude said...

I'm all for Colin Thumbdick. Because I'm sure it's an accurate name. Maybe 'Kim' can comment here and confirm. Cuntrag works too.

Robocats said...

I'd like to suggest Colon Cumrag.

guru said...

I've always been partial to Sphincter Boy, but Taintface is pretty fucking awesome too.

The Last Unitard said...

Assfist McSantorum-Slurper

Signal to Noise said...

Cowturd has made the rounds before.

I think "Fucknozzle" is appropriate.

85 said...

Colon Tonguer

Danny G said...

Dickbreath. Get it? It implies that he sucks dick.

Unknown said...

The Blog Rapist
The Big Growler
The Vaginal Blood Fart

The Last Unitard said...

Co(ck gob)lin Cow(stampeding up his ass)herd

Captain Caveman said...


DaveG said...

Make that two for Taintface. It doesn't have much to do with his name , but it's so fitting.

Whisk E. Bear said...

Cockwielder. Because he wields them. He wields cocks. With his soft, manicured, sports-radio hands.

Ernest Riles said...

i'll go with:

breath of a thousand cocks


Corky McShitcock

ilium55 said...


Steve said...

dirty socket
Chris Berman
Colin Cumstain
moist happenings


Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

no talent ass clown seems to sum everything up

Anonymous said...

Slapnuts...nuff said...

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

The Load That Should Have Been Swallowed

Mike said...

I'm not even sure what Schrute is, but I like it.

A few others:

Colin Cowcake
Cow's Colon
Colin CowHurt

SMP said...

Colin cancer, but that's an insult to cancer -- how bout


gone said...

How about Moist Schrute?

Shoopmonster said...

Schrute is the last name of Dwight from The Office. Bravo on Schrutebag.

I Know we suck said...

Cockfag. I'm just throwin that out there use it as you like

Unsilent Majority said...

Schrutebag is the new cellar door.

MyBoysAreMyLife said...

Hooker's used tampon?

MyBoysAreMyLife said...

Puss filled anal wart?

MyBoysAreMyLife said...

Will Leitch?

gone said...

Ya gotta have Moist thrown in there somewhere. Almost every woman I know hates the word Moist with a passion and visibly cringes every time they hear it. What better way to "honor" Colin than with a name that almost all women will cringe at every time its spoken/written?

God Hates Raiders Fans said...

I think if you really wanted to hurt him you should call him: Nolan Ryan's secret gay lover

I have on occasion listened to his radio show when he gets going on how much better Clemens is than Ryan.

my verification word: saaut

MyBoysAreMyLife said...

Vaginal Cheese

One of Many Lisas said...

What better way to "honor" Colin than with a name that almost all women will cringe at every time its spoken/written?

I actually don't mind "moist", but I hate the word "tits". TITS TITS TITS

Adam said...

Solid Smegma

Anonymous said...

Shit Tsunami

lucas said...

Queef Stain
Rumored Date Rapist (RDR)

Stu Kehrig said...

I vote for taintface

Ray said...

I'm not feeling real creative, but The Cockherder came to mind. As if he's the shepard for all that is cock.

Grimey said...

What a hole of dick.

A few months back, I was watching that news program with Diane Sawyer (I'm not looking it up), and she was talking about some school-age kids getting taunted by their peers. One kid was getting homosexual slurs, which included "Fruity McGay-Gay."

(Take a moment to imagine Diane Sawyer saying "Fruity McGay-Gay." Now realize it actually happened. On TV, no less.)

I vote for Fruity McGay-Gay.

San_Erino said...

At 5:05pm, the last unitard won the internets.

is good; especially when flanked by awesomeness.

CJ said...

Crawlin' Blowshard?

Walker said...

Leitch-erous Schrutebag?

I also like to think of him as a penis taster or gotard.

The Mighty Horse said...

Call him Mr. Monday, because everyone fucking hates Mondays.

Crapass said...


HadesGigas said...

It shouldn’t be an Us vs. Them thing. Lots of MSM reporters are great. Lots of bloggers are not.

Finally, the recognition I was looking for.

lucas said...

Zima Spokesman

HadesGigas said...

I'm sure Cowturd has been suggested, so I'll just go with:

Faggot Viceroy (slightly offensive)
Bag o' nine dicks
Douche buffet
Wifebeater ("gently goof on" means hit)
Shit-ass (hyphenated?)

Those all suck

m8r said...

Cuntrag Coward, I like it. Oh, and if anybody checks out my blog, anything written by MCbolger is worthless, don't hold it against me.

Bris Isaak said...

How About

Fart Box Killer
RSO (Registered Sex Offender)

Anonymous said...


One of Many Lisas said...

Cock-juggling thundercunt

Unknown said...

I say we call him "Cheetah-snatch"

BeaverFever said...

sanjaya cowherd
douchey mc douchebag

tollberg said...

I've been using cuntrag fairly often as of late, so I'd be inclined to vote for that. Please don't call his Schrute though, Dwight is twice the man this fuckstick will ever be.

So I guess what I'm saying is, Fuckstick Cuntrag.

Oh man... I just shot Marvin in the Face said...

That was soo awesome... I havent heard a profanity laced rant like that since my dad found out I drank his whole liqour cabinet!

I say to hell with Colin Cowherd, he can go suck a bag of dicks and as for his wife kim, i wouldnt fuck that dull witted termigant with a stolen dick.

Unknown said...

Since someone's already mentioned "santorum", may I make a suggestion? Instead of giving that infected cum bubble a new nickname, why don't we take a page from Dan Savage's book and name something or some act particularly disgusting "cowherd" or "to cowherd" and flood the blogs with the new definition of the rotten cunt cheese's name as well as creative usages of it?

That way, instead of a nickname that'll be hard to use anywhere in "mixed company", we'll be able to use that brain-dead hemorrhoid-leakage's name in any place in place of something truly disgusting.

Just a thought.

The Inevitable Muck-up said...

We should try to work the word pedophile into. Its definitely not cool to be called a pedophile and what he did definitely was not cool.

The Big Loganski said...

Maybe "Cuntmuscle" would work.

Raskolnikov said...

Mariotti's Douche

Pity Da Fool said...

As some who has been supported pretty regularly by the Big Lead in the last six months, this whole thing really ticked me off. They do good, original stuff, support the blogosphere as a whole with their morning roundup, and by all accounts, deserve better.

That said, on to the nickname suggestions.

Subbing "Cowturd" for Cowherd is simply too easy... that is, until you sub "Swollen" for Colon.

So, yep, there you have it. Swollen Cowturd. Eat that one, and get off my radio, you big, reedy-voiced bully.

MemphisRaines said...

I like cuntrag, but might I suggest Pedomaniac (or it may be pedophilomaniac)? It suggests he's the worst type of human roaming the earth. One who pursues pedophilia with a mania.

Uncle JR said...

Sphincter Tudball

Brad said...

Nut Juggler
Tea Bagger
Cum Guzzler
Rush Dimbaugh
Mitchell Cumsteen
The Receiver
Dildo Baggins

TalkingNFL said...

ron borges with triple the douchebagged goodness

doug_plank said...


SallyPierre said...


Hut said...

I like Anklegrabber, personally

Slash said...

I like "Ass Cancer"

My contribution: Colin Who?

Seriously, I've never heard of this asshole. I thought you made up his last name. Cowherd? What kind of name is that? He should be embarrassed by that right there.

I don't think any variation of the word "vagina" is cool in this context. I thought straight men LIKED vaginas. Correct me if I'm wrong...

Nate said...

How about Hitler? Or Adolph?

He didn't like the Jews...came up with the Final Solution.

Colin Cowherd doesn't like blogs...he came up with a DNS attack. Colin Hitler? Adolph Cowherd? Same difference.

fortfunexpat said...

Hmm... I've always been partial to this one, but its so good that no one has deserved it until now.

Cowherd = Crotch Goblin

Oh and seriously, could a somebody that looks like that much of a little pissant brag more about having a nutrionist and working out everyday. I mean who the fuck brags about sweating to the oldies?

Anonymous said...

ass clown?

and fruity mcagay gay was going to be mine.

Tits mcgee?

Giant Sack of Shit?

Espn Employee?

I nominate Cowturd for the biggest deuche in the universe award.

Ross said...

Assrammer has a sweet touch. Colin the Assrammer...I could definitly see that.

Fuck you Cowherd

Chuckles said...

I really think it's gotta be taintface. Or maybe Big Chief Tiny Dick.

gone said...

How about DVDA Juice?

mandy said...

steaming colostomy bag/[insert name here]'s colostomy bag/Heather Mills’ bedpan
donkey-raping shit eater
dog shit taco
blood drenched frozen tampon popsicle
shit-faced cockmaster
pickle kisser
knob jockey
ass spelunker/ass bandit/ass snorkler
anal crusader
cock chomper
penis wrinkle
vaginal dicharge
yeast infection
camel toe
anal fissure
queef rocket
douche water/douche nozzle
Das Über Gay
Colin Notheard (b/c who listens to that show, really?)

…..I got nothing, sorry.

mandy said...

ooh, and i forgot to add oozing genital sore and crusty vaginal boil.

anything that includes the words oozing or crusty is automatically vile.

Dan McNulty said...

cowherd-noun: the white, yellow or green discharge from a gonorrhea inflicted penis.

that would be nice.

HadesGigas said...

Colon Cowherd (original as a bag of shit)
Professor Herpes
Uterus Dick

David said...

cumburping fuck-budgie.

M.M. said...

Blog Raper, son of Pussy Basket.

Unknown said...

Howz about Colon Gerbilherd?

The Hundley said...

Butt Pirate, Douchey McGinkernuts

Steve said...

Actually, I think gary has a good point. We need to come up with a horrid definition for Colin Cowherd or just Cowherd and use it everywhere. Making his actual name synonomous with "grundel cheese" or "taintface" or anything is much, much more evil. And evil is what we are aiming for here.

CoffeeTableBook said...

Words fail me.

This is the best that this fine site can do - a nickname contest? A dirty nickname contest. What's next, the comfy chair?

Seriously, a nickname contest?

I can't even get my head around this - this was not the time to stand idly by and allow some extra vinegary douchebag show up your precious blogosphere. This was the time to act - I mean, Google is your friend. DNS attacks are not that hard and you could, I am guessing, find ways to implement such a reprisal on the Four Letter or find a way to deface his Wikipedia page.

Man, this is like the day my dog killed a rabbit in the park behind our house on Easter. Willow killed the Easter Bunny - it was very traumatic.

I expected better than this - now, I don't believe in nothing or nobody.

Booder said...

Colon Cumstain. Maybe a good buttfuckin' by his new roomie would shut him up, but I doubt it. Guy's about 10,000 lbs of sports radio suck.

Unknown said...

I like the guy myself. He has a different perspective on sports and he does it with humorous overtones. Furthermore, he talks West Coast sports better than anyone - actually, he;s the only one who talks sports with a West Coast angle.

SallyPierre said...

doon = colin?

Ray said...

You had me at steaming colostomy bag, Mandy.

-Space dock
-Horse fucker
-Twelve pounds of cock in a one-pound mouth

Trader Rick said...

Anyone know how much it would cost to get a billboard ad on a major highway in a major city for a week? As a TBL fan and hater of Anal Fissure (nice one, Mandy), I would be willing to contribute some money towards any project that could end this piece of shit's career. This aggression will not stand.

Boxcar Fritz said...

Seriously, fuck him.

Somebody get me a lighter and some hair spray.

Anonymous said...

i actually would pay for a billboard, but it has to be in philly (this is where he broadcasts from im guessing having never listened to the show. oh wait is there a website yet dedicated to his firing. Cause if not I will get on that.

Anonymous said...

he needs to be fired

Awful Announcing- said...

Let the Photoshopping begin....

Sorry for the shared post title....great minds think alike.

Kid Cleveland said...

dude, I'm way behind in life. I had no idea what the fuck a "schrute" was...i even looked it up in my English Oxford Dictionary. Then I find out its fucking Dwight's last name.

In my defense for this act of retardation, I've already started drinking for the Indians home opener today.

Ed in Westchester said...

I know I'm a little late, but I like:


JC said...

who is colin cowherd?

nation_of_islam_sportsblog said...


Your anger is misguided. And your response inappropriate. You should deactivate your blogger account and put away your keyboard.

Mr. Cowherd has responded to the world of sportsbloggery the only way he could. His stance is a matter of self preservation and defense.

No longer will he bend to the whims of the sportsblog conglomerate. His voice and the voice of ESPN will now finally be heard. Through the silence he created on the internet.

This is a revolution and it has been instigated by the powers that be in blogdom. Mr. Cowherd will no longer allow the power hungry monopolists of the sportsblogosphere to set the agenda of information and humor and control it through the filters of bloggitization.

We fully support Mr. Cowherd in his guerilla war against pale white world of corporate sportsbloggery. The tide has turned.

BeaverFever said...

dwight schrute on "the office" is almost likable at time. i'm not sure the same can be said for colin "coward" cowherd.

CoffeeTableBook said...

God bless the 5 percenters...being a 10 percenter myself, though, seriously this needs to stop. Gotta keep the 85ers down, yo.

Unknown said...

Go Cowherd...quit whining KSK

Thewes said...

From the Sports Hernia: Cologne Cowshit

jackin'4beats said...

Can someone just blow up his e-mail box with countless e-mails calling him the cuntrag, schrutebag that he is?

I never did like the guy, now I have a real reason to hate his guts.

TBL is still down...bastard.

Anonymous said...

Barbra Streisand.

Dino said...

Colin "Once Blew A" Cowherd.

Blew can obviously be replaced by something more creative or demeaning.

Dave said...

I just sent an e-mail to ESPN's ombudsman regarding this situation. I encourage others to do the same, as the more complaints that are logged, the more likely action will be taken. Here is the link to send your feedback:

DCScrap said...

I figured you and your readers would enjoy this.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

How about the gayest name possible...?


m8r said...

Here's a link to a petition to get Schrutebag fired, found the link on the Michigan website he initially got caught copying from
Keep up the good, honest journalism

Tim said...


But it's hard to top the Schrutebag. Maybe the Mayor of Schrutebagville?

Andrew said...

A day late, and a dollar short, but you guys are wrong about Schrutebag.

Unknown said...

How about douchehammer?