Thursday, April 12, 2007

This Week’s Animal Killfest: Chris Berman At The Holiday Inn Brunch Buffet

One thing the movie “Free Willy” never taught us is that Willy was an absolute fucking bloodthirsty killer. I’m really tired of the attempted domestication of the killer whale, nee orca. God fashioned this mammal to be a seal-eatin’, flesh-chompin’ catalyst of violent death. Then you head to Sea World and some dick marine biologist named Lance is making it beg for mackerel. Shit, kids are even allowed to pet them. That is a fucking disgrace, and I won’t stand for it. LET THE ANIMALS KILL. It’s what they’re here for.

That’s why I admire predatory animals so much. There’s no hesitation. There’s no inner struggle. No existential angst. They aren’t worried, “Oooh, I don’t know if I can live with myself if I tear this seal to shreds!” That shit is McSweeney’s gay. Just remorseless maiming for these creatures, thank you very much. The only thing these guys worry about is their next meal. And there’s a purity to that I really aspire to in between shots of raw ethanol.

I was thinking the other day that all hunting should be legal year round as long as you use only your bare hands. In other words, if you’re hungry for cat, you should be able to choke a cat to death and eat its innards while fresh and raw. That’s how animals like the killer whale roll, and I fully support it.

Thanks to reader yesiamahooker (Bosox Siobhan’s brother!) for the clip.


BeaverFever said...

somewhere out there a member of PETA is crying.

"vegetarian is an old indian term for bad hunter"

Unsilent Majority said...


Rob I said...

Fuck it, the orca just went deep.

I felt bad for the seals until I saw the footage of seals attacking and eating penguins. +1, seals.

tollberg said...

I love how the British guy talking can't seem to fathom why the whales would be playing with the dead seals. It's a fucking killer whale, does it really need a reason to launch its prey 60 feet in the air?

BoSox Siobhan said...

My family may need therapy.

Grimey said...

Touch em all, orca... you just went yard.

kyle said...

This is just further proof that the best way to get rid of the smell of potpourri is with seal blood.

Scrappled said...

Went yard, indeed.

Has anyone else been watching Planet Earth on Discovery? Last Sunday, a great white shark ran up the motherfucking score on some seals. Completely awesome, and I wasn't even high.

Big Daddy Drew said...

RUTS, pay attention, dammit.

Anonymous said...

I imagine Grossman watching the Killer Whale video, vigerously masturbating and using Mel Kiper Jr's hair gel as lubricant.

It's called fusion, fellow readers.

runningbyrd said...

I like the sounds that the seals make as they die.

Other things i like:

How high the whale gets the seal with its tail flap


jackin'4beats said...

OK what's the over under on Orca vs. Jaws (the shark not the former QB)? Now that would be a mega-fight I'd like to get ringside, uh boatside seats to.

You just can't get in between a killer whale and its seal meat.

gone said...

I wanna be a killer whale when I am reincarnated. That fucker just drove onto that beach.

"We can only speculate at the real reasons behind this extraordinary behavior..."

Howbout, the Orcas are showin them seals what the fuck is up and who the fuckin man is around campus.

Mike said...

Jaws II fucked up a killer whale, but I'm not buying it.

Fucking sharks were lobbying the film industry hard in those years. And Jaws II sucked anyhow.

Packin' P-Nut Gallery said...

Seals are fuckin' STUPID.

Anonymous said...

so what was more impressive the throwing of the seal or the sharks "suprise".

I think the throwing was.

Claude Balls said...

Did anyone else shed a tear when the announcer said, sadly, "The killing season is over"?


Just me?


Raskolnikov said...

On the next Planet Earth, watch as BDD takes down a wild Yuengling by sinking his teeth directly into the can!

Wormfather said...

First, @Grimey, he didnt go hard, that was definitly a web gem, the way he scooped up the seal then tossed it to first.

And...Orca vs. Jaws. Jaws wouldnt fucking stand a chance. I dont know if you know this, but...Killer whales kill fucking kill other whales. I mean seriously, the final four of killing goes like this.

Polar Bear vs Lion

Killer Whale vs. Shark

Championship Game

Killer Whale vs. Polar Bear.


Peter McSheisty said...

Bullshit. A grizzly would fucking own a polar bear. And I put a Tiger above a lion. That leaves

Grizzly vs. Tiger

Great White vs. Killer Whale


Great White vs. Grizzly

Sleeper? An elephant running at you full speed.

(My brothers and I have talked about this shit before)

Wormfather said...

Seriously a polar bear would own a grizzly. A grizzly is the Duke of the animal kingdom.

I've seen footage of Orca's hunting other whales, that's badass. But I've read about dolphins killing sharks.

No way anything that can get it's ass kicked by flipper makes it to the championship game of my Tournement of Carnaige.

Oh, and a better sleeper would have been the crock. But not a bad choice with the running elephant.

Peter McSheisty said...

You might be right on the rest of them, but I think there is no way a polar bear beats a grizzly. Have you seen polar bears at the zoo. They like to play around and interact with you through the glass baricade. A grizzly interacts and plays with you by ripping your face off and then sucking on your eyeballs. Ill give you the orca but Im sticking to my guns on the grizzly. Bad Motherfucker

jackin'4beats said...

Orca vs. Grizzly

Chat amongst yourselves...but Grizzlies befriended some old guy with a long beard in the woods on TV some time not as killer as you might think.

Orca is the bomb because anything that likes to play with it's food that much AFTER they've already killed it is badass in my book. And a school of dolphins will whoop a shark's ass. I've seen footage of that.

Peter McSheisty said...

That guy who befriended the grizzlies? They ate him. He's dead now. There is audio of the attack because his camera had the lens cap on but the audio was still running. They wont release the footage to the public because it is that disturbing. And if you are talking about domesticating killer animals and that takes away some of their coolness or savagery, hello? Orcas? Fucking Free Willy and Shamu. Show me how you can do that with a Great White or a Grizzly.

Peter McSheisty said...

His girlfriend was killed, too.

Wormfather said...

Seriously though. Have ever been to the aquarium. The fucking sharks are swiming with fish.

"As long as we feed them they dont mind the other fish being around"

An orca would have said, fuck you you're food/plaything...I'm killing you anyway.

BTW, in the D2 tourny the Fox wins...those mother fuckers will kill 10 chickens and eat one.

Anonymous said...

ok in response to elephant at full speed what about a rhino at full speed?

And a grizzly beats a polar bear any day.

A orca beats a shark.

for d2: how bout the wolf which would own a fox.

Peter McSheisty said...

"An orca would have said, fuck you you're food/plaything...I'm killing you anyway."

Except when he lets trainers at Sea World ride him around like he is a fucking donkey.

I like the D2 theory, Im going with a hyena.

Wormfather said...

I'm just going to address the D2 thing.

Foxes kill for fun
Wolves kill because they're hungry

I'd rather have to deal with something that may or may not be hungry as opposed to soemthing that may be hungry and/or bored.

Wormfather said...

@Peter McSheisty...touche, touche...the donkey thing got me.

As far as the heyenas, they are totally a D1 school, they not only steal food from lions, if they outnumber her 3:1, that bitch is dead.

Peter McSheisty said...

This could easily be a Deadspin up all night thread. I can see dozens of people arguing about this for hours.

runningbyrd said...

I've seen a polar bear take a beluga whale. It jumped up in the air and came down through the ice, grabbed the whale, and then dragged it out onto the ice and ate it.

Polar bears>grizzlies>>>>>everything else>>>>WNBA

Biggus Rickus said...

Are grizzlies threatened by a little weather change? No, they're going about their business of eating crazy assholes making documentaries and scaring people in national parks. I rest my case.

DougOLis said...

No way the Killer Whale beats out the Great White. Shamu got fucked up by a shark; and that was a wild Shamu not one of the pansy ones raised in captivity like today.

Wormfather said...

If you play dead a grizzly will go on about their buisness.

A polar bear will eat you.

And why arnt the crocks getting any love? You could be just quietly getting a sip of water from the pond and WHACK!, death roll, death.

Maybe it's because they can be put to sleep like babies, I duno.

Wormfather said...

@Dougolis, you cant just go descicrating and libling the Killer Whale (yes I capitalized it) like that without some evidence.

Cough it up, or you'll end up like that prosocutor down in N.C.

Biggus Rickus said...

This should settle the Killer Whale vs. Great White debate.

Anonymous said...

biggus rickus:
thank you for that. the orca blew away the shark in the f4 game. By the way this should be a giant tournament. Just becuase orca wins doesn;t mean we couldn;t have fun with it.

Wormfather said...


Wormfather said...

I agree, this could be a nice at least 32 team tourny.

Polar bears, sharks, killer whales, grizzly bears, lions, tigers, panthers, hyenas, anacondas (every other snake kills you because he's scared, and lets be honest, that why chicks kill), octopuses...and the pelican totally gets to play in the play in game.

Any more...

Peter McSheisty said...

That video is suspect. While it is evidence towards the debate, it is not definitive. The shark could have been injured, dying, young, etc. Ill give you this round, but that still doesnt take away the fact that when people think of killer whales they think Shamu, Free Willy, and fuzzy childhood memories. While when people think of sharks..... they think of death. Bloody death.

Anonymous said...

killer whales they kill anything

Biggus Rickus said...

I also learned that packs of Killer Whales will hunt fucking blue whales. They'll also kill other sea mammals for the hell of it.

Biggus Rickus said...

I think birds of prey deserve some respek. The hawk, eagle, falcon, osprey, etc.

Peter McSheisty said...

Rhinos, Elephants, hippos (hippos are the number 1 killer of humans in Africa), crocs, alligators, Maleria infected mosquitos.

yesiamahooker said...

that bitch CA2 might be the badest creature on the face of the planet. why does she kill sharks? because she can.

DougOLis said...

That video doesn't prove anything. The narration implies that it was an extremely rare event by one crazy ass killer whale that is known for doing it. It sounds like a territorial killing by what he says at the end; it actually solidifies my argument because the killer whale has to rid its territory of the great white danger.

biggus rickus - yes, killer whales are known to hunt other whales.

Wormfather said...

But still that pelican just went and scooped up that pigon like it was nothing. Credit goes for killing and eating another life form like just like you grab your keys on the way out the house.

Biggus Rickus said...

Deep ocean killer whales have been observed preying on sharks, including great whites. It has not been observed in reverse, though great whites will eat whale carcasses. Fucking scavengers.

Anonymous said...

do pigeons really count as a life form. I think that degree of difficulty is a factor, a human could kill a pigeon a human could not kill a blue whale.

Unknown said...

Where are you guys getting your facts? Spare me your mundane platitudes about Tigers beating Lions and a Grizz beating a Polar bear merely because you saw some polar zoologically domesticated to the point where they understand the conditioned response for reward.

I'm not talking about the Polar bears conditioned response either BUT US DUMB ASS HUMANS.
They learn when ever the act out playfullness they get tossed more peanuts by the dumb humans.

Get a clue next you'll be wondering Man vs Chimpanzee and Ill tell ya right now Chuck "The Iceman" Liddell would get his Face ripped off eyeballs gouged out, his gentitals would most likely be bitten off as well as most of his fingers with thumbs being first to go.

This could be done not in mins but mere seconds flat liddel would never judge such a creature again by how Chimps appear so much like baby's on television.

As for your Grizz vs Polar Bear,,use the same logic you would for a black bear vs a grizz. The odds go to the heavy weight as usual and in that case the black bear is out sized by damn near the same numbers the polar bear out sizes out weighs the Grizz.

I know they can make em look cute on a can of Coca~Cola but in the Grizz vs Polar,, It's the
Polar bear HANDS DOWN.

Then we have Hyena vs Lion

If you study a lion pride, you see that Males are pretty much good for nothing but SEX and eating and did I mention Sex?

It takes approximatley 11 female lions to get a male lion to retreat from trying to attack and kill lioness cubs thye male hasn't sired. Females do the hunting as that is what they are built for. Male Lions on the otherhand are like no other big cat when it comes to what they are built for and they are Built for Battle.

All a male lion's job is good for is to keep Hyena's from killing female lions or her cubs.

One Hyena's can give a female lion a real tough fight. Two Hyena's can kill her but to a Male Lion?? A dozen hyena would get there asses handed back to em on a platter messing with the Male Lion.

Lion vs Tiger? C'mon you got to be kidding.

Tigers invariably run up trees where Lions can't do tree climbing and other then to agree on a few exceptions to the rule using a Bengal Tiger,,which can get to be the same size of Lions but only on rare occasions,, by and large however,, the Lion wins 8-9 of ten times .

Lion vs Polar Bear?

Polar Bear hands down again.

Now lets take this to the sleeper.

As for Land animals,, If anything were to be called the TRUE "King of Beasts" It should be Elephant's. NO creature will take on an African Bull Elephant. The postulate, even on it's surface is absurd.

When there was an alarming number of Dead Rhino Carcass being discoverd last year, conservationists thought it was poachers. It turns out that ONE rogue female Elephant was charging them and spearing the Rhino's in the sides with her tusks.

Croc vs Anaconda?? I won't even dumb myself down to give that match any consideration at all.

Now a Croc and a Hippo?

No the croc,,won't mess with a hippo

Killer Whale vs Jaws? heh you tell me?

Now lets get this back on track shall we?

Ok ready?

Robocop vs Predator? Naah

Robo vs Terminator 1 No no,,not that

Predator vs Alien? mmmm no sizzle there.

Ok ok I got it!! The ULTIMATE MATCH UP !!

Robocop Versus,,,,,,


Yeah I know what ya mean,,,

Elvis,, hands down.



Unknown said...

Here this might hold up for some of you regarding the Jaws Orca,, I would think it would be the Killer Whale most of the time. I have a bias about that one though. I truly am Fascinated with Killer Whales. They aren't the Oceans Scavengers as Sharks are. They are Awesome, Intelligent, Powerful Creatures who have exhibited complex rich and robust language to communicate with ther pod. They have shown reasoning, problem solving skills that match our own. They display attachements like family bonds that last life times. I just can't see a dumb ass shark who run on his sense of smell, radar or his senses and impulses but are truly,, as dumb as a box of rox.

- Ultra

Unknown said...

Regarding the posts made by Peter McSheisty,, I have but one question.

You're retarded right?

- Ultra