Tuesday, April 3, 2007

Better Know a Draft Pick: Calvin Johnson

Name: Calvin "Big" Johnson

Height: Tall
Weight: Don't stand on the tracks when the train's coming through.

40 Time: 4.33 seconds...uphill...in his girl's UGGs
Broad Jump: Cleared 11 broads plus 3 dames and a lass.

Urine Sample: Gold smelt
Stool Sample: Smells like Cinnabon at the airport

Mainstream Comparison: Roy Williams
KSK Comparison: A light-skinned Jesus of Nazareth

Who Wants Him: Don't kid yourselves, Matt Millen and Al Davis are sporting a combined three inches of petrified wood just thinking about him.

Who Will Take Him: Tampa (but only if he agrees to play quarterback)

Hobbies: Pissing on Chevy logos/defensive backs

Favorite Food: Stem cells

Favorite Quotation: A young healthy child well nursed, is, at a year old, a most delicious nourishing and wholesome food.

Mortal Enemy: Hack Man

Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: He spent last summer building shit holes in a South American shithole.

Immediate Impact: Remember Randy Moss? (it's ok if you don't, just click here). Now imagine a him with a good attitude and without Micheal Ray Richardson's lawyers on retainer.

Down the Road: After a record-shattering career in the NFL he fades into Boliva. He could be the first person enshrined in Canton and Saint Peter's Basilica (as long as PK and Pastabelly are cool with it).


JM said...

Wow - nothing like a little Jonathan Swift quote to get my day started.

Trader Rick said...

There's no way Matt Millen will passover him. ho ho ho!

Outstanding, UM. A+++

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

Big Johnson t-shirts & 'A Modest Proposal,' KSK is turning into like a McSweeney's version of Where's Waldo.

BeaverFever said...

also a great Cavin and Hobbes reference. pissing on Chevy logos, do they even make those stickers anymore and they always seemed to be on the backwindows of pick-up trucks. were also available with calvin pissing on the Ford logo.

Anonymous said...

I owned like 12 Big Johnson shirts in high school. I'm amazed that I never got my ass kicked for being such a tool.

CoffeeTableBook said...

Calvin was one micturating machine.

Mike said...

Jonathan Swift, Calvin & Hobbes . . . and Mike Tyson.

But mispelled.

Hmmmm. But with UM reaching new heights each week, this could be intentional. I think if you play it backwards it says something about Satan and a global Jewish conspiracy.

Unsilent Majority said...

Mike, Bolivia is where Calvin chills in the off season.

Mitchell-to-Moore (Circa '95) said...

Calvin Johnson and Roy Williams split wide. Mike Williams in the slot. Tatum Bell in the backfield and Jon "fucking" Kitna behind center. Sounds like and offense fucking juggernaut to me. "All Streaks on 1"

Mike said...

And as if it could possibly be otherwise, I misspelled "misspell."


MyBoysAreMyLife said...

Maybe Calvin could use the transmogrifier to travel into the future and see what his options are in free agency

Maybe he can also be a good Samaritan and warn the Bengals on who will get arrested. Will Pacman Jones live to be 30?

The possibilities are endless.

Trader Rick said...

What happens when you read this post while listening to "Creeping Death" by Metallica? This.

The Big Picture said...

simms, if healthy, won't be able to get CJ the ball. gonna have to call halfback passes or something.

Ted Valentine said...

How in the hell is his mortal enemy NOT be Reggie Ball Passes?

DCThrowback said...

Concur with Ted. This post was begging for some Ball-busting goodness.