Monday, July 3, 2006

Come On Out and Greet the J-E-T-S

Welcome to part one of our 32-part series, Better Know a Football Team.

Something's rotten in the state of Jersey.

Oh, that's just the Meadowlands.

The seemingly hapless New York Jets franchise spent last season taking several giant leaps in the wrong direction. In fact all they've really been good for lately is acting as the Triple A affiliate for the playoff-bound Redskins (exhibit a, exhibit b, exhibit c)

Gone are the motivational press conferences of the truly mediocre Herm Edwards (although he was better than Al Groh, who now lives in a van down by the river). Stepping in is Eric Mangina (typo...really), the second youngest coach in NFL history. While he may be a disciple of the Oracle of Mass, he will soon learn that he's a long way from Foxborough. Regardless the hiring of Mangini has already appeased both Fireman Ed and Paulie Walnuts.

In recent years the success or failure of each season has been determined by the effectiveness of the men under center. Last year Chad Pennington went down with a nasty recurrence of Kerry Wood Disease and the Jets crumbled like Curtis Martin's 33-year-old knees. Entering this season he appears to have all the arm strength and tenacity of a young Timmy Lupus. To compound his problems Pennington just happens to be walking into a three-way battle royal the likes of which haven't been seen since Invisible Man.

Chad's modest company includes a lead-footed castoff and an untested rookie. Patrick Ramsey will come into camp auditioning for the rest of his career after a tumultuous few years in DC and his subsequent demotion to the minors. The option currently carrying the most momentum heading towards training camp is newly drafted quarterback Kellen Clemens out of Oregon. The highly regarded prospect managed to slip all the way to the Jets despite the unmitigated success of Oregon QB's in the NFL. Between the likes of Joey Harrington and Akili Smith we could very well be looking at the next Heath Shuler!

As questionable as the quarterbacks seem to be, they are no match for the Jets feeble running game. Unfortunately CMart appears to be on his way towards bankruptcy, and even worse, there doesn't appear to be anybody worth a damn waiting in the wings (what ever happened to that guy LaMont?). Ced Houston is serviceable at best while Leon Washington doesn't appear capable of twenty carries a game. Perhaps the best bet to supplant Martin is the D-Blocker himself, Derrick Blaylock, although Jadakiss runs a better 40. Long story short, the offense is fucked no matter who's wearing the headset.

The once proud defensive unit has been decimated by age and defection. Jonathan Vilma is an incredible talent but without a running mate like Jon Abraham his efforts will go for naught. This of course will all lead to the Jets trading another studly Hurricane to Washington in exchange for some overrated chump.

To put it bluntly (stop giggling Ricky), The only way the Jets viewers won't be pissed is if each loss is interrupted by Heidi.


Spectacular Sam said...

Perfect picture for Hennington.

Anonymous said...


T.J. said...

Chaz Sexington and the boys are in serious trouble...2-14 here we come.

jubrand said...

I always wanted to grab the writers of Hollow Man and yell "Hey, he's INVISIBLE, not INVINCIBLE!"

Oh wait, THAT "Invisible Man". Sorry, I'm lowbrow.

Matthew Timmons said...

They are still better than the Bills.

DCThrowback said...

I disagree - the Bills will finish higher than the Jets and I have the Bills winning at least 7 this year (clearly going against populr consensus). Our division isn't very strong and our schedule is very weak. And no one, I mean no one, can turn a 5-11 team into a 7-9 or 8-8 teams like Dick "Eli" Jauron. Just don't ask him to win a playoff game. Yet.

The Jets are on the right path - just seems like so long ago that they beat SD on the road and almost upended PITT at home to go the AFC Championship game. Must seem like a decade ago for Jet fans(those *&^%ing goons).

Anonymous said...

Are you sure you dont write for Wizznutzz, because this post certainly read like something i just read over there.

NJDevil26 said...

BRADY QUINN FOR PREZ 2007! (or at least the J-E-T-S franchise QB)

Schuyler said...

you forgot to metnion the big free agent signing of monsanto pope.

if you do a google img search for his name, this image comes up tenth.

yes, that is him. please laugh accordingly at the seemingly unimaginable circumstances that preceded said picture.

Unsilent Majority said...

Leave it to the Jets to sign an old, bald, white guy in a wheelchair.

Anonymous said...

Dear Schuyla',

Do the letters "NSFW" mean nothing to you? Damn it, man, I could get fired from my crappy-ass temp job for that!

It is a funny picture, tho.

{ k }