Tuesday, July 18, 2006

The 10 NFL Players Most Likely To Be Gay, Part II

You might think it's homophobic to taunt NFL players about their sexuality. And it is. But hey, I'm just taking my cues from the mainstream media (or the "MSM", if you happen to be a dipshit). Great writers like SI's Michael Silver, who last September told the world how Laveranues Coles' story of childhood abuse inspired him... inspired him to be the first writer to help an NFL player out himself. Wait, what? To wit:

It's the kind of story I wish I could have written, and it occurs to me that the profile I've long dreamed of penning is still there for the taking.

Someday, perhaps soon, an active NFL player is going to reveal to a reporter that he is gay -- and I want to be that journalist.

Congratulations, Michael! You've managed to be self-centered, creepy, and oddly homophobic all at once! It's the jackass trifecta! You've also given me further proof that the tribe of people I belong to (that would be tribe of People Who Are Socially Liberal But Aren't Complete Douches About It) is slowly becoming extinct. Way to go! What's the thought process going on here? "Wow, Laveranues Coles was abused as a child? That's so sad. Boy, I can't wait to scoop me some gay!" Sounds like a logical connection to me. So let's follow Mikey's lead and gay it on, with more NFLers who would happily be "amigos" with Eddie Dane and Mink LaRue:

6. Miniature Peyton Manning from Those Gatorade Ads
I fucking hate these ads. I don't know what focus group Gatorade's ad agency, Element 79, conducted to come up with this idea. But I would like that focus group facility burned to the ground immediately. If you're looking to sell lemonade with salt in it, it's not a wise strategy to take the world's blandest athletes and turn them into a bunch of 10-year-old douchebags. I knew kids like this in my neighborhood. They're the ones who made up a new wiffle ball rule every at-bat and shouted it out as loud as they possibly could. No one likes kids like this. Not even their asshole parents. In fact, if kids like this were gunned down Jonesboro-style, I'm pretty sure no one would notice.

By the way, I don't actually believe Peyton Manning is gay. I believe he masturbates to game film while shouting out dummy calls to his right hand. I also believe he calls his penis "Jeff Saturday". He's gridirosexual.

7. The Denver Broncos Offensive Line
Won't talk to the media, eh? I think we all know that people that refuse to talk to the media have something terribly, terribly wrong with them. Why, just look at Art Monk. Total freak, that guy. Who wouldn't like to talk to the media? They lead fascinating lives, these media people! They drink coffee in airports! They watch softball games! What's not to love?

Oh, and by the way: in case you gentlemen haven't noticed, you're offensive linemen. Unless you got the quarterback injured or you raped someone, reporters aren't exactly stepping over each other to talk to you. Anyway, it's pretty clear that Matty Lepsis, Ben Hamilton, Tom Nalen, Cooper Carlisle, and George Foster are all more Bear than Bronco. So I've devised a handy list for them of Things To Do In Denver When You're Gay:

-Gay skiing
-Gay snowboarding
-Gay hiking
-Gay mountain biking
-Gay kayaking
-Gay rappelling
-Gay rafting
-Karaoke night at the Beaver Creek Chalet

Have fun, boys! And keep it on the DL!

8. Kordell Stewart
Actually, since Kordell Stewart remains a free agent (Quick, GM's! Sign him before he gets away!), he really doesn't belong on this list. But Kordell reminds me of the only historic sporting event that I attended in person: the 1994 Michigan-Colorado game, which featured Kordell's stunning Hail Mary TD pass to Michael Westbrook. Two personal memories of mine from that game:

-I discovered I had a hernia during the third quarter of that game. I went to scratch my balls and stumbled upon some suspiciously low hanging fruit. I even coughed to verify it. I had surgery two weeks later. Every day really should be Saturday!

-After the game, on the way out, we passed by a group of ecstatic Colorado fans. Angry, I shouted to them, "You're all inbreds and you fuck your mothers!" I wasn't even drunk. Classy move on my part. And you thought Michael Silver had some solid douchebag credentials!

9. Ray Lewis
It's not just knives that Ray will stab you with! In addition to dancing the funky chicken before every game and waving around flags that he forgot to unfurl (If you saw last year's Viking game, you know what I'm talking about), Ray justifies his presence on this list by virtue of his passion for cake. Observe!

A sweet tooth is a gay tooth, my friend!

10. Leonard Little
Oh wait, I'm sorry. Leonard is supposed to be on my Negligent Murderers list. Sorry about that, Leonard. Boy, for a second, you thought you might be on the gay list! And, in the NFL, that's way worse!

Captain Caveman defends Peyton Manning's sexuality: Look people, he's not gay. He's pasty white, he lives in Indianapolis, and his gag reflex is extremely sensitive. You wanna know who's gay on that team? Marvin Harrison. Holy crap does that mustache have early-90s, short-shorts, AIDS-epidemic written all over it.


Unsilent Majority said...

what did you say about art monk?

Anonymous said...

But its so endearing when the gatorade kid says "shut your big head up" How can you not want to buy their product?

Anonymous said...

"gridirosexual" -- I have no idea why that's funny.

Mr. B. said...

Too bad there isn't a spot for zebras, because I'm pretty sure Ed Hochuli's big, beautiful, manly body is workin' it for the fellas. Sort of the Bull Queer Bogs of the referee set. "I could be a friend to you, Peyton."

Unsilent Majority said...

jason, what about james westphal

Anonymous said...

You offensive linemen play your cards right, you just might get to meet the whole gang.

pmk3 said...

Warren Sapp was caught on camera with a pink cell phone. I can't think of anything gayer (?)

Unsilent Majority said...

kordell and westbrook are both gay. just ask stephen davis.

Anonymous said...

"By the way, I don't actually believe Peyton Manning is gay. I believe he masturbates to game film while shouting out dummy calls to his right hand."

This was totally hilarious for the split second it took my mind to generate the visual image. Then...not so much.

draftmockery said...

you know, those gatorade spots creep me out. and then they came out with that movie "Little Man" and that creeped me out too. Actual midgets? Not creepy. CGI adult heads on tiny bodies? Creepy. If they want to do this sort of thing, they need to animate it, Baby-Finster-on-Bugs-Bunny style.

sorry. what was the question?

Anonymous said...

How did you leave out Joey Harrington. I guess if he went by Joseph, it would be more obvious. He was never seen in Detroit with a woman. The biggest shocker in Detroit was an article after he left when he mentioned his "fiance". Do they have gay marraige in Florida? The Lions will go down as the only team in NFL history with 2 gay quarterbacks.

Anonymous said...

I fell out of my chair when I read your Marvin Harrison description. I could see him jogging through central park in 1991 with tight shorts and a neon pink hat with that wispy mustache.

Anonymous said...

Someone else on the Colts whose definitely not gay...Dwight Freeny.

(inappropriate comment, I know but good god!)

Anonymous said...