Monday, July 24, 2006

Better Know A Team: Detroit Lions

Five Fast Facts about the Lions:
-NFL tradition holds that the Lions play every Thanksgiving Day, and that they have at least 8 losses by that time.
-Team President Matt Millen commutes to work from his house in Pennsylvania, a house he has burned down three times while attempting to make Toaster Strudel.
-Last year, receiver Mike Williams was the first rookie in team history to bring donuts to every team meeting without having to be asked.
-Rookie linebacker Ernie Sims played at Florida State for head coach Bobby Bowden, who was the main inspiration behind the character of Shelley Marcone from "The Last Boy Scout". ("Why, she was one of the sweetest little whores I ever tasted!")
-Last year, the Lions were quarterbacked by the two-headed monster of Jeff Garcia and Joey Harrington. This year, they'll be quarterbacked by the two-headed monster of Jon Kitna and Josh McCown. Next year, the team plans on using seven-headed monster Tiamat, who has no NFL experience (or arms, for that matter), but can spit boiling hot acid at would-be defenders with her copper dragon head. Defenses are urged to use their vorpal swords against Tiamat if they wish to slay her and take all her precious, precious gold pieces. For more information, defensive coordinators are urged to consult the Fiend Folio.

10 Yards of Awkwardness with: Damien Woody

As part of our 2006 preview, I'll be sitting down and "chatting" with a player from each team. For the Lions, it's starting offensive guard and Patriot, uh, expatriate Damien Woody.

Big Daddy Drew: Damien, thanks for sitting down with us.
Damien Woody: My pleasure.

Drew: You occasionally play center. Joey Harrington, your quarterback last year, was a classically trained pianist. Did he ever refer to QB-center exchanges with you as "tickling the ebonies"?
Woody: No.

Drew: Last year, many Lions fans demanded that Matt Millen be fired. In retrospect, wouldn't it have been easier to simply murder him, in cold blood?
Woody: No. That's terrible.

Drew: I know it is. But what if, like, if you had gotten one of those plastic guns, like the kind John Malkovich had in "In The Line Of Fire"? You ever see that movie?
Woody: No.

Drew: It's fucking badass. You should rent it. Anyway, you get your hands on 50,000 of those puppies, which should be easy to do in Detroit, and you just let everyone in the stadium open fire on Millen's skybox. Wouldn't that have been preferable to subjecting loyal fans to another year of abject pain and misery?
Woody: No.

Drew: Your new coach, Rod Marinelli, has been called a "disciplinarian". But he's also Italian. What's it like to play for a walking oxymoron?
Woody: I don't know.

Drew: Is Steve Mariucci gay for Tom Izzo, or is Tom Izzo gay for Steve Mariucci?
Woody: I don't know.

Drew: They're both from the Upper Peninsula, you know. There's nothing up there except for trees, iron ore, and fat women. If you lived up there, wouldn't you fuck a guy just to get the clock moving forward?
Woody: No.

Drew: During the offseason, the Lions hired Mike Martz to be their offensive coordinator. How good are you at tackling?
Woody: I'm okay at it.

Drew: And what about holding pass blocks for 40 seconds or longer?
Woody: I'm a good pass blocker.

Drew: Fair enough. The Lions are owned by the Ford family. If the Lions were a car, would they be The Homer?
Woody: No.

Drew: You played college and pro football in Boston. You now play in Detroit. Which city secretly hates black people more?
Woody: I like both cities.

Drew: That's a smart answer. Very diplomatic. I'll just write down that you said, "Both cities secretly hate black people a lot," since we both know that's the correct answer.
Woody: I did not say that. And, if you say I said that, I'll deny it.

Drew: Again, very diplomatic of you. The suburban Michigan accent manages to combine the accent of a fat person from Chicago with that of a Long Island Jewess. How do you cope with such a grating, horrible sound?
Woody: I have no idea what you're talking about.

Drew: Let's move on to another topic. You play offensive line. Does it ever bother you when the o-line coach hops on the blocking sled and rides it around, like you're his personal goddamn rickshaw driver or something?
Woody: No.

Drew: Your first name, Damien, is also the name of the kid from "The Omen". Your last name, Woody, is slang for a man's erection. When you're ejaculating on a groupie's chest, do you tell her that you're "exorcising the demons"?
Woody: I'm married.

Drew: Quarterbacks often get their o-lineman gifts at the end of the season, as a reward for protecting them. What did your QB's get you last year, when you failed miserably at doing so? Some Post-Its? A box of Triscuits, perhaps?
Woody: We got watches.

Drew: That's very generous of them. You won two Super Bowls with the Patriots. What's it like to leave there and come to a place that gives you the freedom to do anything or go anywhere you please on the field? I'll bet it's pretty refreshing!
Woody: We have very detailed game plans here.

Drew: I'm sure you do. Let's go back to Matt Millen. Doesn't Matt Millen strike you as the kind of guy who would consistently fuck up a group lunch order? Like, you write down that you want a BLT, and he comes back with half an onion ring and a ball of twine?
Woody: No.

Drew: Do you secretly wish some other team hired Bill Maas, so that you could have someone else to talk to about playing for a team that's run by a blithering idiot?
Woody: No.

Drew: Would you consider kissing me?
Woody: No.

Drew: Come on. I've been on Acyclovir for three weeks now. If that's the reason for your hesitation, I can assure you the outbreak is totally under control.
Woody: No.

Drew: Okay, what if you pretended that I was a burrito? Would you consider opening me up, slathering me with sour cream, and having your way with me?
Woody: No.

Drew: Damien, thanks for taking time out from leaning against other heavy men to come chat with us.
Woody: No problem.

NOTE: It goes without saying that these interviews are completely fabricated. We all know that, right? Just making sure.


Anonymous said...

That was a tour de force. I think even better than the Brian Griese interview.

I don't know what's the best part, the final fantasy reference, the burritos, the "exorcising the demons", or the fact that Peter King thinks the Lions can be a surprise team.

Great job

Unsilent Majority said...

i never understood why the Homer crippled herb's entire company. i always kind of liked it

Anonymous said...

Quality work from beginning to end, Drew.

Anonymous said...

Amazing. top top quality.

BoSox Siobhan said...

Boston is definitely The City That Hates Blacks Folks More.
And here we go again with the burrito chat. I'm going to get fat if I continue to hang out with you people.

Unsilent Majority said...

the gun from in the line of fire made me scared of air travel for years

Dweeze said...

What if Tiamat decides to hold out to return to the draft?

Anonymous said...

Only his friends call him Shelley.

Blake-to-Banks said...

You had me at "hello". Or "tickling the ebonies". Either or.

Anonymous said...

...a house he has burned down three times while attempting to make Toaster Strudel.


Anonymous said...

Pure comedy gold, Drew. This blows the Griese interview right out of the water. However I'm amazed at how the interviewees remain so calm in the face of such ridiculously absurd sure know how to pick 'em...

Unsilent Majority said...

hoff, they were just about to when mike williams remarked that he looked "delicious".

Anonymous said...

Hey Buckaroo, you forgot to cite your references:
Millen definitely belongs in that group though. Does anyone know if that "devout coward" is still on the Lions? You know, the one who on gameday you just say to yourself "Where are your testicles?" about. John Smallberries?

Anonymous said...

Wow. You took my comment almost word for word Nomar Rozar.

Clever name btw.

Awesome stuff Drew.

Anonymous said...

Masterful performance, Drew. Line of the bit:

Drew: During the offseason, the Lions hired Mike Martz to be their offensive coordinator. How good are you at tackling?
Woody: I'm okay at it.

bwhahhahaha!! These sites will get me fired.

Becky said...

As one suburban Detroiter who sounds far more Canadian/Fargo-esque than the accent described, I must applaud every other piece of this fine post.


Anonymous said...

Are you from the U.P.? How'd you know about our fat women? Dead on!

Anonymous said...

"How good are you at tackling?" Genius.

pmk3 said...

If it weren't for the likes of Isiah Thomas, people like Matt Millen would be unemployed.

Mike Terrill said...

Another great interview, Drew!

Fornelli said...

Classic stuff.

albaNY Hawker said...

Did he ever refer to QB-center exchanges with you as "tickling the ebonies"?

Thank you for making me spit coffee all over my monitor! That's some pretty funny stuff there.