Wednesday, July 5, 2006

2006 Preview: Arizona Cardinals

Welcome to another installment of our 32-part series, Better Know a Football Team.

2005 Recap: 5-11, Moderately Funny. Don't let the losing record fool you: The Electric Cutting Tool That Is The Arizona Cardinals went undefeated on Mexican soil last year. According to wire reports from that gem of a game against the 49ers, "Josh McCown passed for a career-high 385 yards and two touchdowns against the Niners' pathetic pass defense, and Neil Rackers kicked a career-best six field goals..."

Two words: Instant. Classic. I don't understand why people say the Seahawks had a weak schedule last year.

Potential for Comedy in 2006:
UNLIMITED. Expectations are soaring for the Cardinals this year, and few things are as funny as the collective wail of a fan base's dashed hopes and dreams. Due to a strong draft, a potentially dangerous offense, and a weak schedule, the Cardinals will almost certainly be the pundits' "Dark Horse to Surprise You and Make the Playoffs" pick, which will doom them, because the team that everybody picks to be the Dark Horse is never the actual Dark Horse. Here are the top four comedic storylines to follow in '06:

1. The new Cardinals Stadium. Well, this name won't last. But it's always nice to have that first season without corporate sponsorship. I guess if the Cardinals go 10-6 and make the playoffs, Matt Leinart will be getting blowjobs under the bleachers in Cingular Stadium. They go 4-12, and Kurt Warner will be hobbling around on crutches at Kia Field. (By the way, as I write this, on the Cardinals official site you can vote for your favorite element of Cardinals Stadium: retractable field; air conditioning/retractable roof; fullback seats; cupholders; or interior design. I voted for interior design. Twice.)

2. Kurt Warner's inevitable fate. Kurt Warner will get hurt. Matt Leinart will start. Kurt Warner will heal. Matt Leinart will keep starting. Kurt Warner will wear a baseball cap and carry a clipboard. This isn't even conjecture or speculation. It WILL happen. And even though we already know the outcome, just like when Wile E. Coyote goes full-tilt into the side of the cliff, it will be hilarious.

3. The addition of Edgerrin James. Man, nothing sparks fan interest like a big free agent signing. Too bad that a running back's skill isn't independent of his offensive line: the eggheads over at Football Outsiders computed the Cards' run-blocking to be the worst in the NFL last season. That sound you hear is a trombone going, "Wah-wahhh."

4. Matt Leinart. In a way, I can understand the desire to have sex with Paris Hilton. Even though she allegedly has herpes, displays the self-awareness of a patch of moss, has a lazy eye, and consented to be filmed having sex (during which time she answered her phone), she can be attractive, in a leggy/fake blonde/colored contacts/nose job sort of way. And she's worth more money than the entire Arizona Cardinals franchise. But going shopping with her? Dude. C'mon. Respect yourself.

What to expect:
Who knows? They have loads of talent on an offense with a shaky O-line that will be helmed by a capable but brittle veteran quarterback or a gifted but unproven rookie QB. On defense, they will put eleven men on the field. I'd sooner bet on the Italian soccer team with a guy whose last name ends in an i than wager on the '06 Cardinals.


Matthew Timmons said...

The Buzzsaw already clinch the award for "Team You Use When Not Using Your Regular Team In Madden Award."

Leinart, Edge, Fitz 'N Boldin. Sweet. Like I'd play a whole season with the god awful Bills.

Anonymous said...

Not sure why you are surprised to see Leinart shopping with his girlfriend. Last year it was ballroom dancing. Scrap-booking and collecting figurines probably aren't that far off.

Question: does shopping + ballroom dancing = automatic qualification for "The 10 NFL Players Most Likely To Be Gay, Part II"?

Mr. B. said...

I wouldn't bet on the Cards either, but at least I know they won't end up on the turf, crying like little bitches, which is more than I can say for Italy. Take a shower and man up you Dago divers. Go Buzzsaw!

Anonymous said...

In a better world, Matt and Paris would have a season-long wager about who has the most muscular men pound them on the turf.

Anonymous said...

Great piece, Captain.
As a Cardinals fan (don't ask) I always know what to expect from this franchise - massive suckitude.
Until Bill Bidwell dies, the Cardinals will continue to be the laughingstock of the NFL, no matter how well they seemingly draft. (If that sounds like I am openly rooting for Bidwell's timely death... well, um....I would never do that.)

For the record, I do not think it is fair for the new stadium to have "fullback seats" but not "tight end" or "linebacker" seats. I'm just saying....

MoonshineMike said...

If Matt was caught shopping for Scrapbooking materials, then he is gay as gay could be. As it is now, as Vegas would say "pick 'em".

Anonymous said...

Oh no Pope Chili the 12th, the Chicago/Phoenix/Arizona Cardinals are without question the picture of ineptitude, maybe neck-and-neck with the Clippers.
And a trumpet with a mute makes teh "wah-wah-wah-WAH" sound, not a trombone.
Here is to another year of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.

Mike Terrill said...

Shaun Alexander vs. Edge, in the same division, sounds great this year ... if the Cards can all of a sudden get an O-line. But as it is, the two Seahawks-Cardinals games will be the same boring Seahawks blowing out the Cardinals like last year (not that I'm complaining).

he mantooth said, "Leinart, Edge, Fitz 'N Boldin. Sweet."

I say, "Peterson, Tatupu, Trufant 'N Hamlin. Crunch."

I say, "Hasselback, Alexander, D-Jack 'N Burleson. Sweeter."

Mr. B. said...

And then I say, "You're the Seahawks, please go back to not being a factor at all." You had your cute little Super Bowl...good for you. At the end of the day, you're the Seahawks, and you don't matter.

Anonymous said...

I was looking at the new stadium and I have a question:

What the hell is the benefit of having a retractable field?

I can see a retractable roof, but in the pictures the retractable field seems to possess the ability to slide from inside the stadium into the parking lot....

Huh?!? What?!?! What's the benefit of this???

Anonymous said...

Um, maybe the ability to have real grass indoors. I am just speculating here.

Anonymous said...

The really sad thing is that in his Senior year Leinart had the chance to put up Chamberlainian numbers. He was the Ultimate BMOC, and not just on a campus replete with hot women, but for a city with some of the hottest women on earth, and he ends up in Paris, bad form Matt.

pmk3 said...

Thank you Danny Boy. The Seahawks are all but guaranteed to fall victim to a number of curses. Most notably, the "crappy season after being in the super bowl the year before" curse and of course the curse of the Madden cover.

I only hope they're good enough for a re-match with the Panthers at some point.

Anonymous said...


If there's a retractable roof, they can leave it open all week for the grass to grow. Then close it if it's really hot on game day.

That'd be sweet if they slid all the players into the stadium on the retractable field during the introductions, kind of like they did with Drago and the boxing ring in Rocky 4!!