Monday, July 10, 2006

Better Know A Team: Chicago Bears

Five Fast Facts about the Bears:

-Due to their senior status in the NFL, the league allows the Bears one inexplicable 11+ win season every four years before going back to being fucking terrible.
-Coach Lovie Smith and Kentucky men's head basketball coach Tubby Smith share a great grandmother named Shamalamadingdong Smith, who gave all 138 of her direct descendants ludicrous nicknames like Lovie, Tubby, Poopy, Bleedy, and Stick.
-3rd string QB Kyle Orton is the only man ever to have a Michelob Ultra and mildly enjoy it.
-Center Olin Kreutz is better known as the second half of a "Wheel of Fortune" before-and-after puzzle with "Alias" star and exotic temptress Lena Olin.
-The Bears use a Cover-2 defense. Unless they're playing against Steve Smith, in which case they employ a Cover-0.

(It should be noted here that Steve Smith doing the Super Mario on the Bears' goalpost during the playoff game last year was the single coolest fucking thing I've ever seen in an NFL game. Too bad he did with 2:07 left on the clock. Doing it with 2:06 left would have gotten him six extra fireworks.)

10 Yards of Awkwardness with: Brian Griese

As part of our 2006 preview, I'll be sitting down and chatting with a player from each team. For the Bears, it's 2nd string QB and failed Elway heir Brian Griese.

Big Daddy Drew: Brian, thanks for taking the time to sit down with me.
Brian Griese: No problem.

Drew: My buddy banged your ex-girlfriend. Were you aware of that?
Griese: No.

Drew: Apparently, she was a cheerleader at Florida State. My friend said that, for a Jewish guy like him, nailing an FSU cheerleader was a triumph on par with Arafat's death. Would you agree with that statement?
Griese: No.

Drew: The Bears had an outstanding regular season last year but lost their first playoff game to Carolina. How much blame do you personally take for that loss?
Griese: I played in Tampa last year.

Drew: So you acknowledge that you weren't there for your team?
Griese: They weren't my team.

Drew: I see this is a touchy subject, so I'll move on. You played with Chris Simms. Is it true that when Chris Simms was a child, he made his dad hire a black man to be his toy for a week?
Griese: No.

Drew: They made a movie of it, you know. Starring Richard Pryor. Remember that?
Griese: That wasn't Chris.

Drew: Brian Urlacher, your new teammate, dated Paris Hilton. You've seen Brian's penis in the shower. Just how ravaged is it?
Griese: I have not seen Brian's penis.

Drew: I mean, is half of it gone? Are there lesions of any kind?
Griese: I have not seen his penis.

Drew: Fans around Chicago were ecstatic when Rex Grossman finally returned from injury late last year. Do you hope Kyle Orton somehow starts a lot of games next year so that expectations plummet and people will go wild for a similarly average QB such as yourself?
Griese: I'm here to back up Rex and be ready to play at any moment.

Drew: The Bears are nicknamed the "Monsters of the Midway". Does that mean this team is at its best during halftime?
Griese: I don't think so.

Drew: The Bears signed CB Ricky Manning in the offseason. Do you own a computer?
Griese: Yes.

Drew: Okay, well look out for that. Ricky don't like dem folks what have fancy gadgets and what not.
Griese: Okay.

Drew: Your father, Bob Griese, played for '72 Dolphins, who went undefeated. You played for the '97 Michigan team that went undefeated. What's it like to be one of those insufferable pricks who has everything go their way?
Griese: It's all right, I guess.

Drew: Dick Jauron: worst coach, or worstest coach?
Griese: I never played for Dick.

Drew: But you did play for Jon Gruden. Were you aware that Jon Gruden gets up at, like, 3AM every day? Doesn't that make him a better coach than Bill Belichick, who gets up at 3:12AM like a little pussy?
Griese: I guess.

Drew: Thomas Jones plays for your team. Are you aware that Thomas Jones has repeatedly fucked me sideways in fantasy football year after year after year?
Griese: No.

Drew: Well, he did. He's a fucker. The next Priest Holmes, my ass.
Griese: I think Tom is great.

Drew: You lost cornerback Jerry Azumah in the offseason. When you lose a player that mediocre, how does the team adjust?
Griese: Uh...

Drew: That's perfect. You're a mildly attractive man and I'm fairly drunk. May I kiss you?
Griese: No.

Drew: You have a very kissable mouth, and a strong chin. I like men with a strong chin.
Griese: Stay away from me.

Drew: Brian, thanks a lot for putting down the clipboard and talking to us today.
Griese: You're welcome.

NOTE: In response to Son of Brasky's comment: I'll be previewing the entire NFC North, plus the Giants and Eagles. And yes, the Vikings are my favorite team. But they are, just as often, my least favorite team as well. So expect no Simmons-on-Schilling fellatio of any kind.


PUNTE said...

Is it true that when Chris Simms was a child, he made his dad hire a black man to be his toy for a week?

How the fuck do you top that? GREAT Movie, BTW.

Anonymous said...

Something magical just happened there ...

pmk3 said...

We need to know who the favorite teams are of each contributor to this blog. That way, when you preview some piss-pour team, let's say the Giants, and fail to give them the proper bashing, we'll all know why.

Also, wanted to get some recommendations from you guys on good fantasty leagues. I've only played basic fantasy football in the past, but some friends and I are putting together a paying league.

That might actually be a good topic for an entire post, but I'll let the experts decide. Thx.

Captain Caveman said...

Brasky: no one gets spared.

MMP will be heading up the fantasy circle jerk.

KaLiBLeeK said...

Best post so far...and that was before I got to the Colbert-esc "worst coach or worstest coach" line.

pmk3 said...

Sorry captain, I know they're your team and you did the review, so I don't blame you, but The Seahawks got more than spared in their 2006 review.

And there are plenty of funny things about the Seahawks, specifically the lameness of the whole "12th man" gimmick.

Shoopmonster said...

Wow, that was great. I remember when Griese was supposed to take over for Elway and failed at it, similar to what Plummer is doing. Just wait until everybody starts throwing around the "Can Cutler be the next Elway?" questions. I think it will happen in roughly 2 years, give or take a year. I just hope we get to see Cutler flip off the fans. I also hope his beard is a little more pleasing to the eye than Plummer's hair monster.

Captain Caveman said...

Jeez, Brasky, I posted a queer photo of Hasselbeck and Dilfer.


Besides, that's all in the past. How about you stop making me cry at work and start praising Drew for this comedic gem of a post?

Spectacular Sam said...

I think I peed a little while reading that.

Becky said...

This may have been the greatest post EVER. I cannot wait to see what kind of comedy the Lions can provide.

DCThrowback said...

That was a lot of fun to read. Great stuff!

Dweeze said...

Nice. Very nice. And Brian Griese is dreaaaaaammmmmmmmmyyy.

Zach Pennington said...

That was a Pantheon post. It was like watching Tony Montana say "Say hello to my little friend." You just knew it was a Pantheon line instantly. Just knew it. Like when you see a promo for a "Behind the Music" featuring any 80's band. You just have to watch. Why isn't there an all 80's band BTM channel already? Someone needs to get on this.

Anonymous said...

Greise's wife is a former classmate of mine. She's a doctor and ridiculously hot. An FSU cheerleader is no great loss.

Now not hiring a black man to be your kid's toy, that's another matter entirely.....

Anonymous said...

Instant Classic.Thats the funniest thing I've read all day.

Fornelli said...

As a Bears fan preparing himself to deal with the inevitable 6-10 season that accompanies our division championships, I want to thank you for at least helping me laugh my way into it.

Best one so far.

Anonymous said...

This is trash, Anyone that thinks this was funny probably thinks the moron that does nothing but shout " gitrdone " is funny too.

Anonymous said...

Tsetse fly is that you???

Anonymous said...

Man, that Griese is unflappable.

Though you really could've challenged him and asked him to walk down his driveway without injuring himself or something like that.

Enjoy the site.

Nyssa23 said...

Great stuff!

Seriously, you had me at the Arafat's death line. And any blog post that has a reference to "The Toy" is a classic in my opinion.

"Wonder Wheel! Noooo!"

Mike Terrill said...

Drew, you have just set the bar above Mt. Everest.

pmk3 said...

You're right cap'n... great post by Drew. Sorry bud, I couldn't help myself though. You guys beat the brakes off my team last year in the NFC Championship, so you probably understand the source of my critique.

Anyway, my grandparents used to live next to Bob Griese. I was there one time for a weekend, and saw Brian Grieses's mom walking their dog. She asked if we were watching the game (Broncos, obviously). My dad said, "yeah, that 49ers game was GREAT, wasnt it!?" without missing a beat. Pardon the simmons ref, but the unintentional comedy meter peaked that fall afternoon.

Chad said...

Ali G called. He wants his schtick back. You freaking biter.

Anonymous said...

Well played good sir, well played.

Unsilent Majority said...

chad- see colbert, stephen.

Anonymous said...

It's all been said.
Keep writing it. I'll keep reading it.

Chad said...

Unsilent Majority said...
chad- see colbert, stephen.

OK, that bit is ripping off the less funny Stephen Colbert.

Anonymous said...

As usual Drew, you slay me. Great, great stuff.

Anonymous said...

Ouch. It's almost as though I accused your grandmother of being an terrorist anal whore.

Anonymous said...

Brian Griese's mom died of breast cancer when he was 12. He started a charity in her name So that was probably his stepmom. I don't really get the 49ers thing either.

Anonymous said...

hahaha. youre a vikings fan and had the nerve to point out someone not covering steve smith?

fred smoot still cant use a calculator, cell phone, keyboard, or any other item that has an 8 and a 9 right beside eachother because he goes into panic attacks...

week two is right around the corner. smith looks forward to being over the 500 yard mark after that game.