Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Scoop Jackson - Something Racists and Non-Racists Can Finally Agree On!

When I "played" college football, our team decided the night before a game to go see "Showgirls", because nothing fires you up for a game like a group erection. Anyway, we go to see it, and it's fucking terrible. Horrible. I know a lot of people watch that movie for camp value now, but I'm not down with the whole "Oh, this is so bad it's funny! Let's laugh at our own sense of irony!" thing. This is a fucking awful movie. But what made it transcendentally bad was the rape scene about 3/4 of the way in. I'd like a law against all rape scenes in all movies ever. No good can possibly come of them. Anyway, the rape scene in "Showgirls" elevated it to the upper echelons of true shittiness.

Which, of course, brings us to Scoop Jackson. You might know Scoop Jackson from his columns on They're the kind of columns that make you think, "Hey, how the fuck did Caller #47 from 'The John Thompson Show' get his own byline?" Scoop is so bad, he practically justifies racism. But his column from earlier this week about Terrell Owens was the nadir. Scoop's rape scene, as it were. Let's go all Fire Joe Morgan over it, shall we? Observe!

There's a voice that lives inside his head. It talks to him. It tells him things. It transforms him, shapes him.

Is it the voice of The American Breed? Because that would be pretty random!

Some say that there's a difference between Terrell Owens and the person we know as T.O. Two different people living inside one ultracut, Adonis-like body. But for those of us who follow him, we know different.

You do?! Oh, thank goodness! Lead on, follower!

We know to decipher Terrell Owens we have to get inside his voice. The voice that drives him when the humble side of him really wants to take over. The voice has become the star, the power broker, the newsmaker, the alter to his enormous ego. A powerful thang, this voice. So powerful there is a belief that he no longer can control it because it now controls him. Even more than Drew Rosenhaus does. On the eve of NFL training camp, with him about to honor his third contract in four years, we can only imagine what that voice inside T.O. must be saying...

Should Garth Algar and I make waves with our hands and go, "Cucolo! Cucolo! Cucolo!" now? Oh no, I see what you're doing! You're trying to win an award with an overused writing gimmick! Hence the italicized preface! Consider me hooked!

Here we go... been waiting for this for eight months, baby! The hate that hate produced, produced the wrong dude. Lemme get some more crunches in.

Me fail English? That's unpossible!

It's T.O. time, baby! Training camp! I got everything out of the way. All work done. Book's out, did Gumbel, SI tried to put the jinx on me, now all I got to do is go out and watch the people start to hate me all over again. Salvage.

If by "salvage", you mean, "take advantage of the idiots in the press by getting them to write unwarranted redemption stories," then consider that thought 100% accurate, my friend!

Bad press beats no press, that's what Gran'ma said. "As long as they talkin' 'bout you, baby, that means you on they mind."

But watch how I flip this, just like two years ago when they all hated me. By the time the Super Bowl was over, dude, they all loved me. And they was wondering why I kept bumpin' Nas and Puff's song in the offseason.

(singing) "You can hate me now!"

How will Scoop remind readers that, like Terrell, he too is black?! Oh, I know! A reference to a song that was played out six years ago! Word up, Scoopy!

Damn, it's hot here. They told me Texas was going to be hot, but this is crazy. But not as hot as I'm about to make it. Oxnard, Cali, ain't never seen no one like me b'fore. Look at all them tents out there... media, waitin'. I gotta prove all them wrong. Can't make 'em eat they words, but I can make 'em swallow 'em.

Oh, you mean prove that they were wrong when they wrote that Owens destroyed team unity and single-handedly ruined the Eagles season? You know, maybe you're right! Maybe the Eagles didn't go 6-10 last year! How dumb am I for thinking that was their record!

Look at them out there... vultures.

Not a follower like Scoop is! Being a follower is way better!

Just waiting for me to do something, say something. Waiting to misunderstand me all over again. I tried to make Bryant Gumbel understand, that's why I sat down with the dude. But he was all on me. Talking to me like I was one of his kids or something.

Not really. Bryant Gumbel's kids are actually literate.

I shoulda leaned over and Jim Everett'd his butt. Tryin' to make it look like I was in some therapy session. Like he's Dr. Phil. Dude, please. I give him credit, though; he did get me to admit that I was wrong about the Jeff Garcia thing and what I did in Frisco. But he wasn't gonna get me to take the blame or apologize about McNabb. That wasn't gonna happen and never will. I know the real, I know what went down.

Okay, so what did go down? Scoop? Scoop? Investigative journalism, anyone?

And why that Itch don't wanna talk now? Why he decide to get quiet? All during the Super Bowl in Detroit, he had something to say. What he say, what he call it, "black-on-black crime"? And now, he lip-locked. "No comment."

And now I know who wrote all of Jar Jar Binks' dialogue for the "Star Wars" films.

Then when he does talk, he calls my book a "children's book." See. See...

But don't nobody else see what I'm seeing. Where I'm from in Tennessee, that's a punk's move. Something girls do.

You mean insult someone? God, TO would never do something like that!

That's why they ain't never gonna win a ring. Not with him there. I can't wait till October 8th. When they ask me, I'ma say I wish the organization well, but for real, I hope they never win another game. Ever.

Scoop has clearly convinced Page 2 editors that proofreading is a form of racism.

All they had to do is give me what I was worth to them, and none of this would have happened. None of this. I'da still been in that uniform. Ballin'. Woulda won the Bowl. Pittsburgh couldn'ta handled us. Everyone knows that. The Steelers know that.

The Steelers couldn't handle a team quarterbacked by Koy Detmer and Mike McMahon? Makes perfect sense to me.

But instead, the Eagles wanted to prove a point. Not pay me but give Brian Westbrook a $25 million contract extension in the middle of the season the week after he ran for a total of 124 yards in five games. And they wonder why I called them "classless."

But I did go too far with that comment. (laugh)

Scoop's parentheses, not mine. This is the part where the voice Terrell's head laughs! Ha ha ha!

That was straight foul. I knew I was going to pay for that once it came out of my mouth. But what the hell. That's how I was feeling. Drew warned me.

No, I didn't.

But why should I have listened to him? I probably would have played last season if it wasn't for him. Man, that dude... but he did get me my money. This $25 million from Dallas ain't bad.

Except only $10 million of it is guaranteed. That's how NFL contracts work. But hey, that's only been common knowledge for the past decade or so.

It's a start. And like Drew said, "If we win the Bowl, the price goes up. Back to the negotiations." I just gotta make sure he doesn't appear on Jim Rome's show or PTI before he sits down with the Cowboys. He needs to chill with that. Messin' with my money. Costing me almost $20 million.

But I thought he got you your money. Right? Right? I'm fucking lost.

Wait. Where's that girl's number I did that photo shoot last year with in GQ? Stay focused, Terrell. Football, dude, football. On a show-and-prove mission this season. Tryna stay focused, stay right. 'Bout to get married. Felisha, dude. Felisha. But damn, honey from GQ was fine. Need to find that issue. See how I made her look good.

Tryna? Did Scoop learn his blackese from Mark Twain?

Where are my shoes?

Scoop is holding them for you, Terrell. Remember?

More crunches...

People keep thinking this is my last shot. Why? Don't they know?!? Can't no one in the League do what I do. Not Randy, not Chad, not Marvin, not Hines, none of them dudes... and they know it, too.

You mean catch passes and score touchdowns? You're right. That is just poppycock!

I could screw up again -- not saying that I did the first two times, but I'm just saying -- and still get another contract from another team. I know this, and so does every GM in the League.

But I'm not going to test it. Not this year, maybe not the next. Too many of them vultures are waiting for me to do that. I'm not going to give them that satisfaction. Like I said, I'm going to "shut it down. Stop talking."

Why talk when Scoop does such a perfectly awful job on your behalf?

Wait. Mental note: I need to call Jason Rosenhaus, talk to him about the misquote in the book. I hate when people take what I say to make me sound stupid.

Like Scoop does?

Like I ain't read my own book. All I said was that when the word "heroic" was used, it was used in the wrong context. That's all. Now I know I said "misquoted," but that's not what I meant. See, at the time, when I said "my performance in the Super Bowl was nothing short of heroic," the war thing wasn't like it is now... and I'm not trying to go out like the Dixie Chicks... but I was heroic in that game. I don't care what anyone says. The Eagles should have recognized.

Instead, they chose to give TO an enormous signing bonus BEFORE that performance. Stupid foresight!

But it's all good, like Gran'ma said: Everything happens for a reason.

Scoop, why don't you just put Terrell on a shrimping boat with Tom Hanks while you're at it?

God wanted me in Dallas.

No, God wants TO in Southern Lebanon.

Too many years gone by with stars on their helmets but none on the field. I tried to let them know when I stood on the Star in 2000. But they wasn't tryna feel me then. Now, they get it. They better get it. They ain't got no choice. I mean Keyshawn, he's a beast, but c'mon. He ain't me. If he had had half the season that I'm about to have, Terry Glenn's numbers would have doubled and Julius Jones would have played like his brother Thomas did with the Bears last year.

I make this game easy for other players.

Except when you're calling them out to the media and generally acting like a selfish prick.

That's why my teammates love me. That's why none of them ran to Donovan's side when everything was going down. I only played seven games last year, but I still led the League in yards per game -- by 9 yards per!

Even though I only played seven games, people! If I played 16, that would automatically make any per-game statistic of mine go higher!

I'm the one who gets everyone career years. Like Steve Nash.

But they don't want to get that; no one wants to print that. Instead, they call me a "cancer" to every team I play for. If I'm a "cancer," why when I leave do these teams sink to the bottom of the league? Why once I left the 49's did they become the worst team in the NFL?

Uh, John York? Terry Donahue? Dennis Erickson?

Why last year did Philly not even make the playoffs? And watch what happens to the Eagles this year. They're going to be worse.

But still I'm the cancer. Whatever. All that's about to change. Everything. Jus' watch.

Wait. Where's my earring? That's $40g. Can't lose that.

Oh my God! Scoop has totally got this stream-of-consciousness thing down! And not a moment too soon!

Ha. It's funny didn't no one catch on.

Double negatives make Terrell look smarterer!

Drew was right. Same thing as last year. I got the entire country's attention to jump-start the season. These fools don't learn. If they was smart, they would have peeped this from the very start, last week. The minute the book came out, the minute "Real Sports" dropped, the minute the SI joint hit the stands. They should have looked at the correlation of the dates, the timing, and realized how we had this planned.

We even got Scoop Jackson to give us an unjustified verbal blowjob!

Not even coach Parcells said anything. Damn, I hope it's this easy the rest of the season.

USA Today on Friday printed the top nine questions about the NFL coming into the season. Guess who was No. 1? They can call me whatever they want, but I'm a marketing genius.

That's true, especially considering TO's book didn't even crack the Top 100 on its debut! That's branding savvy!

And Drew is only one step behind me. Art Shell is back coaching the Raiders with Randy Moss; Daunte Culpepper is in Miami and maybe fighting for his job against Joey Harrington; Herm Edwards goes to coach the Chiefs; Edge leaves Nap; McNair goes to Baltimore; Vinatieri leaves New England... and I'm still the No. 1 question coming into the season...

For USA Today, the newspaper of choice for remedial reading students all over this great nation!

And they say I'm crazy, stupid, ignorant and dumb. Selfish, conceited, self-absorbed. They say I'm worse than Barry and Kobe combined. They say the world hates me.

Not as much as it hates Scoop Jackson.

Cool. I will shed no more tears over this, miss no more sleep. Not for them. Not for no one. Not anymore. There will be no "new" Terrell Owens, just refined. Refocused. I'm just trying to make everyone understand that it's them, not me. Never has been me. I'm innocent of everything, done nothing wrong, wronged nobody. I'm not who they think I am, who they've made me out to be. I'm just misunderstood.

All I wanted to do was set black people back 75 years. Only Scoop seems to understand my goal!

Wait. Look at those tents. It's time. Time to go. Time to be T.O. Day 1. Ready for some football. Salvage.

You see how Scoop ties it all together by repeating that "salvage" sentence? That lets you relive the whole nightmare that is this column over again! Hooray!

I'm gonna make them love me, like I do. That's what I'ma do, dude. I'm gonna make 'em all love me.

Well, this column has already made your goal a lot more difficult, then.

NOTE: There is about a 1% chance that this column was actually intended as ironic criticism towards TO. But I think we all know that's a stretch, don't we?


Anonymous said...

My IQ just dropped roughly 20 points reading that (Scoop's work, not yours Drew). Did Scoop go to college? high school? did he actually have a job before ESPN or is he straight from the streets? God I fucking hate him.

mutoni said...

that was funny.

normally, i'm in total agreement with anyone who bashes scoop's espn work (because it's truly awful), but i actually enjoyed his last piece on T.O. despite its many flaws .../ducking lightning bolts/.

Captain Caveman said...

Mutoni, I may have to spend the rest of the day deciding on the best way to insult you for that statement.

Anonymous said...

If by enjoy you mean as in "I enjoy eating glass" then yes I'm with you.

Anonymous said...

Not only am I demonstrably dumber for having read that, I think I hate black people now.

Anonymous said...

I still can't believe T.O. didn't make it onto your Asshole List, Drew. Oversight of the century.

Excellent and hilarious, yet again.

farris said...

*crossing myself*

The Pope Of Chili Town said...

Scoop Jackson, ladies and gentlemen, your Dean of the Cliché Writing School.

"You see, T.O. be like a...a...a werewolf or sumthin'. Yeah, a black werewolf who loves his grandmamma, but hates the silver bullets the white media man be shooting at him. And garlic, he be hatin' garlic...oh wait, wrong creature."

Didn't Richard Prior call the kid from "The Toy" Scoop when they started their newspaper? Somehow I find that a fitting analogy for Mr. Jackson.

lopey said... anyone?

Unsilent Majority said...

can we just send scoop back to slam where his writing was far less invasive?

*side note on rape scenes on film: Dakota Fanning's character is going to be raped on screen in her upcoming film

i'm getting sick already...hopefully there won't be a pinball machine in play.

Anonymous said...

That was a great idea, Scoop.

I hope he does Tedy Bruschi's inner monologue for his next column...

Ruthless Gravity said...

Please, anyone at ESPN (male or female), accuse Scoop Jackson of hugging you immediately!!!

Anonymous said...

Scoop's column is Exhibit A against Affirmative Action.

Unsilent Majority said...

and exhibit a in favor of sterilization

Steve Dave said...

Um, Scoop? Terell Owens grew up in Alabama dude. Not Tennessee. I know the two states are kind of close in all, but, oh nevermind.

pmk3 said...

Thank you BDD, I needed something to neutralize the increased hatred I've developed for SAS and Scoop over the last week.

Am I only one who saw this pudwack on Quite Frankly last night? I don't make a point of watching that show, but when I flipped by and I heard them discussing Scoop's recent 1.3% column, I immediately became enraged.

For the record, Scoop holds a Masters Degree.

Anonymous said...

"anonymous", you might want to stop talking for awhile, maybe sit the next couple of plays out if you know what I mean...

Anonymous said...

Thanks Drew. That's 2x I read that drivel. (nice commentary btw)

The Pope Of Chili Town said...

So as not to get lumped in with anonymous, my "quote" of Scoop above was aimed exclusively at his shitty writing style and not some poor attempt at race bating.

colinsmith said...

My eyes are bleeding.

colinsmith said...

My eyes are bleeding.

Anonymous said...

I haven't read a column by Scoop since his intro column where he stated things "he believed." I got about 1/10 of the way through and said fuck this i'm never reading him again.

Of course, i'll always read it when someone mocks him throughout. Excellent work BDD.

Unsilent Majority said...


p.s. lumping guys like sas and scoop into a category like "black columnists" is truly an insult to guys like wilbon, dupree, taylor, and the late ralph wiley.

Anonymous said...

There are black people in America who interact with other races on a daily basis and while they take pride in their background, they do not allow some type of cliched angry black man stereotype define who they are. Perhaps they have a right to act in such a manner, although this would seem to be a counterproductive and outright racist way of thinking. Such people could be called segreationists. But like I said, there are many black people in America who are comfortable being themselves and interacting with other races at the same tim.

Scoop Jackson does not care for this particular audience. He would like to create the United Scoops of America, where black people can isolate themselves from the white majority and then complain about how the white majority won't include them.

He also should think about taking a remedial grammar class.

Anonymous said...

Actually, he's right about his per game average.

The thing about "per game" stats is that it puts everyone on the same standard, regardless of how many games they played.

We Must Protect This Hoff! said...

That article came off as a cross of The Wonder Years and Sanford and Son. (cue the Sanford and Son theme song!)

Anonymous said...

I just unwittingly read a Scoop Jackson article...damn you.

Anonymous said...

For the record, the TO-led Philly Eagles were smoked 27-3 last year by the Steelers. If I recall, he idiot got decked by Troy more times than he had catches. Fuck him.

Mr. B. said...

Scoop couldn't do a better job reinforcing stereotypes if he had written this article in blackface, eating watermelon and fried chicken in his Cadillac while not swimming and axing questions about shitty tips and large penises.

The preceding statement was, in no way, approval of these stereotypes. Or maybe it was. Just kidding?

wufpackbacker said...

Great, great stuff, drew. One thing. Nothing ever justifies racism. I know I'm stating the obvious and no I'm not a pc type. Just don't let that one line marr what is otherwise a great piece.

Anonymous said...

You cracker are fuckin hilarious, I'd love to see if any of you have the balls to have this convesation in the local watering hole in my neighborhood.

I heard a comedian make a great joke once that applies to this situation, it goes like this; "How come the clan never comes to Harlem, Watts, Compton, East Oakland, etc talking that WE HATE NIGGERS bullshit, cause we could damn sure use some new sheets"

You punk ass sissy saltine muthafuckas would never speak half of this garbage in a predominatly black environment. If you won't say it in a situation like that, don't say it at all. Pussy, faggot, saltine, bitches. If Bill Simmons wrote that article you'd love it. "Anonymous" -tell your mom to come see me bitch, you too "danny boy", I got a pipe callin for that bitch right fuckin now. I wish you muthafuckas would come to my neighborhood with this shit. Bitch-ass, safe in the comfort of my own home talking all kinds of shit, corny-ass white boys. Fuck y'all.

Anonymous said...

and I'm sure one of you corny muthafuckas will point out that I let a letter out here and there. If that's all you got save it, I ain't no fuckin secretary and I'm livid and thinkin about knockin out the first white boy I see when I go outside. Some silly ass white girl is gettin it in the ass tonight, that's my word. Just for you muthafuckas, she's gonna love this big black mandingo dick too, you can bet on that, I'ma skeet all over her pale fuckin face, melanin challenged skank.

Biscuit said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
RadamR said...

Is it cos I's black?
Bad urinalism is bad urinalism.

I'm going to punch the first robot I see when I get out of work today. And make love to the anus of a robot tonight and skeet all over its metallic rosey from the jetsons face until smoke cums out its ear holes. I love you. I totally feel what "a black who hates corny white ass boys" is saying. Thanks for bringing the rage.

BoSox Siobhan said...

Whitey-Hating Black Guy is a joke, right?

Anonymous said...

who let herbert kornfeld up in this bitch?

it's hilarious to re-read that scoop of shit article while pretending that skip bayless wrote it and that he will soon be jobless for intimating that an black athlete cannot speak english.

Anonymous said...

ABWHCAWB needs to become the sixth KSK contributor, now. Without a Scoop Jackson of its own, this site is worthless.

Anonymous said...

Scoop Jackson is proof positive that race, rather than ability, is enough to snatch up a gig as a sportswriter. He's part moron, part moron. Oh wait-that's not fair. Po' ol' Scoop just be keeping it real-real stupid.

Anonymous said...

"Scoop Jackson is proof positive that race, rather than ability, is enough to snatch up a gig as a sportswriter. He's part moron, part moron. Oh wait-that's not fair. Po' ol' Scoop just be keeping it real-real stupid."

And what do Mariotti's and Woody Paige's careers prove? You, my friend, are a racist idiot.

Anonymous said...

Two words for T.O. when he comes to Philly: Michael. Irvin. I have never prayed for a player to suffer a career-ending injury, but let's just say on October 8th I'll be looking for a verrry special post-wedding present courtesy of the Eagles' D.

Anonymous said...

Glad to see I'm not alone.

I urge you all to check out - dedicated to holding Scoop Jackson accountable for his nonsense.