Tuesday, July 10, 2007

She got one of yo kids got you for 18 years

A lot has been made of Brian Urlacher's ongoing custody battle with former stripper/gold digger Tyna Robertson (I'm not trying to cast aspersions, I just don't trust people named Tyna). Most recently he's been slammed in the press for a series of unfortunate text messages allegedly sent by the linebacker to the whore mother of his third child. Of course none of this is actually Urlacher's fault. We all know that athletes are beyond reproach (especially the whities!).

In this case, the only thing Urlacher is guilty of is technological ignorance. How can we expect our pro athletes to master this newfangled text messaging when one hand is holding their playbook and the other is wrist deep inside a socialite?

We mustn't.

Sure, Urlacher sent the texts in question, only he didn't mean to send them to his baby's mama. That's right, all of those seemingly inflammatory texts were intended for one of Urlacher's other contacts. Join us as we reveal the intended recipients of the text messages in question. Then stay tuned for some of the bonus text messages we've managed to uncover.

"Go to hell you f------ ----."

Everybody knows it's not appropriate to call the mother of your child a fucking cunt (allegedly), it's just bad business. The only person Urlacher would speak to in such a manor is that old fag Jay Mariotti.

"Make one of your pimps drive you around"

Come on--why would somebody earning child support need a pimp? This text was directed at another Urlacher ex, Tara Reid. You just knew things were getting bad for Tara when she couldn't get some NFL dick up in her, now she can't even find a steady pimp. It's been about nine years since she was getting paid a grand to suck a cock; you hate to see that kind of fall from grace.

"Grow the f--- up and quit praying and get a job."

Tyna's probably spent some time on her knees but I think we all know she's far from devout. This one was meant for that preaching sack of backup crap, Mark Brunell. I think Urlacher speaks for everybody in the NFL when he tells this guy to fuck off. If we want to hear about the time Jesus felled a bear with his bear hands we'll call you.

"You're a f------ fruit cake."

In this instance you might think Urlacher is insinuating that Tyna is bereft of her mental faculties when in reality he's calling Brady Quinn a colon cowboy.

"Your raising a little p---y."

You can't even tell if a two year-old is a pussy, they're all a bit pansified. It should go without saying that this constructive criticism was meant for Archie Manning.

To: Rextacy
"I dreamt of you again last night"

To: Paris
"You belong in jail for what you gave me, you fucking whore"

To: Lance
"Sign the fucking papers you jealous bitch"

To: Dan P
"Good luck with the new Just For Men gig you f------ quitter"

To: Lou Dobbs
"Going to New Mexico doesn't make me a new Mexican"

To: Bill Maas
"Bring back the 28 hits or I'll fuck your collateral.

To: Janet J-G
"Give me a nickel on the Cubs. I'll balance the account next week."

To: Elijah
"Your my hero, dawg."

There you have it, the secrets of Brian Urlacher's communique revealed. Feel free to add your own in the comments.

And here's something just for fun.


My Hero Zero said...

If the bear Jesus wrestled was Bear Grylls, put my money on the Bear. Any man who drinks his own urine could surely kick the Lord's ass.

K-Rock said...

i dont understand why a woman would get upset over being called a fuckin fruitcake, i feel that insult doesnt really go both ways (but Kordell does)

BeaverFever said...

yes, elijah dukes is very proud of urlacher.

Sarah said...

To: Unsilent Majority
"Thanks man. Us black guys gotta stick together."

nation_of_islam_sportsblog said...

"former stripper/gold digger Tyna Robertson"

Sir, don't you mean struggling single mother?

Al_Sharpton's_Banana_Hammock said...

No Justice No Piece.

Josh said...

I didn't know Jesus had bear hands but that's fucking cool. I know Ganesh has got that whole elephant head thing going on so I suppose it makes sense.

BeaverFever said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
BeaverFever said...

to: houston nutt
they can't retrieve text messages right ?

SlickBomb said...

"Have one of your pimps drive you around" is outstanding and I'll be using it on my own woman shortly.

Trader Rick said...

"I dreamt of you again last night."
I think that was for Willie Gault.

lost said...

"Sir, don't you mean struggling single mother?"

Sir, you forgot and part-time cosmetology student

a mind is a terrible thing to waste

Punch Rockgroin said...

to Herr Goodell:
Ach, das facken phone ist ein . . . nuisance phone!

K-Rock said...

To: Tank
This bitch is gettin crazy, lemme borrow that AK

Weed Against Speed said...

Yo, Big U! Are you through with it? Cuz if you are, I'd hit it. Holla at a playa. Lemme know.


Otto Man said...

To: Brady
Aw, Mongo straight!

Redhead said...

This post is so wrong - yet it instantly veered into good taste with the Flight of the Conchords link. Funniest show on TV right now.

Billy said...

It's been about nine years since she was getting paid a grand to suck a cock; you hate to see that kind of fall from grace.

I can't be the only one loving the vague Big Lebowski reference....

Camp Tiger Claw said...

"Good luck with the new Just For Men gig you f------ quitter"
-Brian Urlacher

"What the fuck is a text message?"
-Clyde Frazier

Shaun Murray said...

He and Dukes are just trying to get rid of these ugly bitches the best way they know how. It isn't their fault if they haven't been properly trained to get rid of psychos.

Bucktown Skins Fan said...

Feb. 21, 4:05 p.m.: “That’s not a favor we agreed on 7 and your not even out of town jack ass”

This one's actually real.

I literally laughed out loud when I read that he called her a jackass. I got this vision of Urlacher yelling out "JACKASS!" like the dude from Happy Gilmore.

Urlacher asking Tyna out for their first date:

To: Tyna
"Wanna go to the sizzler and catch some grub?"

jackin'4beats said...

Urlacher is soooooo not bullshittin' dawg.

Clearly he's not on the roids since he's been able to get three chicks knocked up. Hey Urlacker, they are called CONDOMS. Try using one at some point.

Lord Farceface said...

He seriously called a 2 year-old a "little pussy?" That's fantastic. "Pussbasket" would have been a better motivator, but "little pussy" really brings the disdain to the forefront. Urlacher's my hero.

Anonymous said...

I'm positive when the 2-year-old is old enough to have a cell phone, Urlacher will be sending this child text messages calling he/she/it a fucking pig.

rar288 said...

Alright, I'm on Urlacher's side here, but that text to Lance: "Sign the fucking papers you jealous bitch" was comedic brilliance. Good one UM... you fucking douche :)

As far as the texts messages go though, he really didn't say anything illegal or wrong, it shouldn't even be in the news. So he called her a whore.... guess what? SHE IS!

And he didn't call his son a pussy, he said "your raising him to be a pussy." I can't blame a man for not wanting his kid to grow up to be a spoiled little brat who bitches about everything. That's just good parenting.

Brad! said...

From Greg Olsen (G-Reg): I told you not to second nut all in her eye. Do you think she's about trains?

Slash said...

What Jackin'4beats said.

I'm not sure who to hate on more, the gold-digging skank or the multimillionaire who bones gold-digging skanks and then whines like a little bitch when she drags him into court for more money. According to the Chicago Sun Times, he makes $300,000 a month. Then again, also according to the Sun Times, she's a real estate broker.

How is it I live in a city with 4 professional sports teams and I'm not getting any of that baby mama action?

Section 138 said...

Is that bitch black or white?

Normally, I mean. Not after Big Ur whitewashes her.

jackin'4beats said...

Maybe she a gold-digging aboriginie. You know they are all the rage these days.