Wednesday, July 11, 2007

KSK 2007 NFL Season Prekkake: Baltimore Ravens

Five Fast Facts About The Ravens:
-Of the 276 reported murders in Baltimore City last year, only 273 were committed by Ray Lewis. He said God was responsible for the other three.
-The team brought in running back Willis McGahee not to give the offense a fresh pair of legs, but to restore the roughly 300,000 people the city has lost in the last 50 years through his hordes of illegitimate children.
-Quarterback Steve McNair was totally not to blame for the eventually dropped DUI charge he incurred over the off-season. That interception in the endzone in the playoffs against the Colts? Still kinda his fault.
-Raven Symone to fill in ably and fattily for Jonathan Ogden this season when he again contemplates retirement.
-Samari Rolle just a subpar sushi dish with a lot of Old Bay seasoning.

Projected 2007 Record:
0-16, 4th in AFC North.

Actual 2007 Record:
0-38, banished from league, America.
(...okay) 10-6, 2nd in AFC North.

Ways in which the Justice Department would change if tomorrow Brian Billick took over for Alberto Gonzales:

1. More running directly up the gut on first, second, and not infrequently, third down.
2. Patriot Act mostly unchanged, but somehow more pompous sounding.
3. Attorney General remains about as douchey, but with less hair.
4. There are no more differences.

Occasions in which purple camouflage pants are not gay:

1. Never.
2. Ever.
3. Andre 3000 wears them.

Players for whom white Ravens fans cheer:

1. Todd Heap.
2. Todd Heap.
3. McNulty.
4. Todd Heap (after Matt Stover kicks a field goal).

Wedding Crashers incorrectly claimed that Maryland was all about "crab cakes and football." What is Maryland actually about?

1. Crab cakes and lacrosse.
2. Liberal politics.
3. Not being able to buy liquor anywhere.
4. Johnny Unitas -- just kidding, he's always been an Indianapolis Colt.


Out of Shape said...

"3. McNulty"

Well played Christmas Ape, well played.

Unknown said...

Most of the jackasses at M&T don't even have HBO. The highjacked line into the trailer park doesn't get it. They don't realize that they should root for McNulty. Cracker MFers.

Dat RoRo Kid said...

Can I get a McNulty on the rocks, please? Thanks.

Meet me down by the train tracks.

BeaverFever said...

gay white ravens fans (and brady quinn) root for john waters.

whowillsexmutombo? said...

Billick does have a way of making an inconvenient quarterback disappear.

Stephen said...

Avon Barksdale would be a solid addition to the D-line.

Josh Drimmer said...

where's 'ten years of awkwardness' with jamal lewis?

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

What about the stormin mormon Todd Heap?

flubby said...

Prop Joe could play some tackle.

Christmas Ape said...

Jamal Lewis left the Cleveland Browns of Baltimore for the Cleveland Browns of Cleveland over the offseason.

Trader Rick said...

What is Maryland actually about?
Maryland is actually about putting their state flag on as much shit as possible.

Pemulis said...

the only good thing baltimore ever produced was Homicide: Life on the Streets. man that show fucking ruled

SlickBomb said...

What is Maryland actually about?

1. Race gangs
2. drug wars
3. insanity.

Otto Man said...

Prop Joe could play some tackle.

Offensive line skills are just one of the many things Prop Joe has in common with Nate Newton.

K-Rock said...

Occasions in which purple camouflage pants are not gay:

4. Cleveland Browns Locker Room

Otto Man said...

Maryland is actually about putting their state flag on as much shit as possible.

That's the state flag? I thought it was a '50s-era TV test pattern.

Trader Rick said...

It's like they're in a state flag pride competition with Texas.

runninonmt said...

Re: finding liquor in's like trying to fruit and veggetables in Rosie O'Donnells fridge. (With the notable exception of cucumbers...uggh)

Unknown said...

Nicely represented, Mr. Ape

the butler said...

In the pic of the graffiti- is that the Washington Monument or a snow-capped cock?

Weed Against Speed said...

Say what you want about him but Brian Billick is a genius. Did you see what he accomplished as Offensive Coordinator with the Vikings in 1998? Oh sure, he had Randall Cunningham, Randy Moss, Chris Carter, Jake Reed, Robert Smith and one of the better O-lines of the past 20 years, but only a genius could take those spare parts and turn it into a well-oiled machine...yep, he's a master...

What was I saying? I blacked out there for a second.

yesiamahooker said...

Nice picture of the Rt Hon William Donald Schaefer!

Calvealier said...

I thought Mayor Carcetti cleaned up the city. 276 murders sounds a bit low. Does that include all the people Marlo killed?

Anonymous said...

Wait until Who's Your Caddy comes out and then call Andre 3000 gay.

WV: rxngucf... Those last three letters are there to haunt you, Ape.

whowillsexmutombo? said...

You need to produce bodies to make it a homicide. Otherwise it's just a missing person.

Speaking of which, I need a new nail gun.

Black n Gold said...

As a Steeler fan, I must say that I truly enjoyed this post. I would like to put in a request that Ape do the Bengals and Browns prekkake as well.

Go Steelers, and a sentiment Burnsy and I share, Go Knights.

(Sorry, Ape)

Happy Fun Miles said...

As a life-long Baltimore resident, I'd like a shirt that says "My Middle Linebacker Killed More People Than Your Middle Linebacker".

But seriously, we're going to win the AFC North again this season. Sorry Pittsburgh-ers.

Anonymous said...

Anyone know which are the good schools in Bodymore, Murdaland?

Unknown said...

The raven is a really shitty team mascot. They need to change it to the Baltimore Omars or B&B Enterprises.

Raskolnikov said...

5. The not-too-northern, not-too-southern, not on the ocean but still on the water look. With a touch of inbreeding.

jackin'4beats said...

I present to you for ridicule:

Baltimore Ravens Fans

BeaverFever said...

was that picture taken at a ravens tailgate party or a gay pride parade ?

The Lord Humongous said...

Maryland is also about:
--the movie Diner
--F. Scott Key
--F. Scott Fitzgerald (his rotting corpse, anyway. RIP in Rockville, baller).
--John Wilkes Booth
--Hannibal Lecter's incarceration
--PRS guitars
--the enslavement of Frederick Douglass
--fine early work by Wes Unseld, Eddie Murray, Jim Palmer and Len Bias.

God, what a fucked up list. I'm glad I moved west.

BeaverFever said...

baltimore, also known for the fort mc henry tunnell

liquid_d said...

a gay pride parade and a ravens tailgate are pretty much the smae thing.

BeaverFever said...

thanks for the info liguid d,

the rest of you guys enjoy the rest of the week, i'm going on vacation.

looking forward to the buffalo bills season prekakke.

K-Rock said...

vernon davis was a terp so that has to give the state some points

gone said...

Schools? In Baltimore?

Shit, you don't need no schools. You learn your shit on them streets son, on them streets. THAT's some fuckin education right there son.

Schools... pah. What did they ever teach you? Could a school teach you how to break 5 kilos of coke down to onuces? No. Could a school teach you the underhanded technique used in a knife fight to maximize the damage? No. Could a school teach you how to calculate your hos hourly rate, multiplied by her evening tricks, and divide into what she owes you and what she keeps? Again, no.

Street learning son.

(you can find this ka-nowledge in DC as well)

lost said...

B'mo: aka Tha STD capital of the USA!

You can go to prison. But you can't be from prison.

Being from Baltimore is close, though.

wv: qfvjk - onomatopoetical representation of the sound your nostrils make as you aspirate by-product of processed Erythroxylum coca off the exposed ass of a drunk skripper on 'the block' in B'more?

Casual T said...


You let your ho's keep money?

JFreak said...

Ahahaha...Johnny U is a Colt suckasss.

Wormfather said...

I am proud of you guys, no one ever references The Wire, except my attourny that is, and the DA, and the judge, but other than that, nobody.

Unsilent Majority said...

Ahahaha...Johnny U is a Colt suckasss.

isn't that precious

Otto Man said...

Johnny U is a Colt suckasss.

Is a Colt Suckass different from a regular Colt?

Landru said...

Y'know, Ape, I was prepared to rip your Steeler fan asshole into an interesting and innovative shape when I saw that you were previewing the team you hate most in this life. But you've done so well that you've defused my anger over the possibility of you putting me in a position where I'd have to defend the fucking Ravens.

Well played, Sir.

casserolemistake said...

I was going to say something witty but Willis ran into my house, claimed to be the best cocksman the world has ever known and pulled out his agent of love. He was somewhat convincing so I took him up on it and he "ravaged" me "unmercifully" for 3.9 seconds. As we laid in the wet spot he whispered in my ear that he's gone for over 20 seconds four times in the past two years and shouldn't I be impressed by that.

Ken Dynamo said...


Josh Drimmer said...

what? they've got cleveland browns in CLEVELAND now? how long's that been going on?

Jarrett said...

Nah, son.

Folks from up the hill gots mad love for Bart Scott, yo.

Unknown said...

how about our beautiful trash filled bay, or our great herion manufacturing, or an awesome baseball stadium where no one ever goes

by the way, as long as pryzbo is teaching in baltimore our streets will stay "safe"