Watching the ESPYs So You Don't Have To: You Can't Put a Leash On J-Dog

After days of meticulous editing the ESPY's finally aired last night, although nobody's quite sure why. The annual event of homogeneous cross-promoting and self-congratulatory nonsense (they totally stole that from us) was ably co-hosted by the Disney Corporation's resident bad-boy, Jimmy Kimmel. Teaming with the late night star host was the subtle and understated LeBron James.



In the first award of the evening (I think) Devon Hester beat out my homegirl Morgan Pressel for Breakthrough Athlete. Sadly the most interesting part of his off-field persona is his hair.

ESPN tried to stir up the pot with a cat fight when they sent Ashley Judd and Pat Summit to present the inaugural Jimmy V Perserverence Award to the incredibly inspirational Coach Kay Yow of NC State. Yow is in grips of a battle with cancer but she credits God for allowing her to attend the show. Which is more than she could say for those asshole doctors who kept trying to force her in to bed. No other nominees were mentioned, the are presumed dead. Immediately following the show Sidney Lowe went to have his colon checked out.

Under Armor just got my pants very interested in amateur female athletics.



I'm gonna need about another minute here.

Christian Slater is in attendance... HEY THAT'S MICHAEL PHELPS' PUBLICIST!!!

Kimmel on the glittery star adorning TO's white blazer: "I didn't even know you were Jewish."
TO: (Laughter) [whispering to date] "What's a jewish?"

There's nothing quite like the awkwardness between the athletes and celebs backstage. Maria Sharapova and Josh Duhamel just spent an awkward fifteen seconds killing time on camera before they could sneak away to start humping. Hey, that Aryan superman isn't going to create itself.

Samuel L. Jackson is up on stage talking about violence in Ireland, because why the hell not!

The theme of the evening seems to be group showers, and why the hell not, that's why all guys play sports to begin with. First came the non sequitur skit involving Kimmel, Danica Patrick, Street Sense, and Jerry Tarkanian sharing a group shower. Kimmel was flirting with the Shark but a blind guy could he was eye fuckin' that horse.

Disney's new anti-hetero agenda really got legs when Kimmel invited LeBron into his home, and bathroom, during his time in Los Angeles.

I swear to god Taryn Mowatt just said she wanted to cup my balls. I'm super cereal, not even bullshittin'.

LeBron thinks he's having fun with Bobby Brown, but I'm pretty sure this is all a producer's practical joke that went a bit too far. Well Annika Sorenstam seems to be enjoying it, who am I to argue? Thank God Jimmy's there to make rehab jokes.

Dane Cook ALERT: This is not a drill. Parents should now secure their 15 year-old girls before he gets too many laughs. On a serious note, I hope Dane Cook suffocates on a horse's cock.

I swear I can't remember the last time they gave out an award to somebody who doesn't teach kids of different religions to play soccer without blowing each other all the way to Wales (I'm just assuming Wales is far away). I just don't get you gentiles. Don't you all pray to the same Jesus?

Hey Boise State won their second award. Good thing too because the NCAA just took the first one away from Ian Johnson.

I think Shaq wants to grab a shower with the OG Blazer.

Apparently there was a storm in New Orleans, Tiger Woods' dad died, and two African American coaches led their teams to the Super Bowl. They must all be related because they just shared a moving montage . Jesus Christ ESPN, that's some racist ass shit. Are you trying to say that two African American coaches going to the Super Bowl was a tragic event or was that just your stock African American montage? Does anybody have dibs on FireNorby.com.

Backstage clip from after LeBron's performance: "Was that fun? Alright, now let's go shower together." I told you it was a theme.

Queen James via the transplendant wizznutzz.com

Chris Berman is on stage with Jamie-Lynn Siegler, let the shitty Sopranos jokes and lecherous downward glances begin!

They inexplicably saved it for a montage but Landon Donovan won Best MLS Player. MLS MVP Christian Gomez might as well start tying the noose.

Remember how the Florida Gators won the football and basketball championships in the same year? Apparently ESPN doesn't. Editor's Note: OK, they just showed them in a montage of champions set to the music of some band so fucking cool that their existence cannot be confirmed or denied.

Tony Dungy accepted the Best Team ESPY on behalf of the Indianapolis Colts but for some reason he didn't extol on the virtues of group showering.

Just what the evening needed, Jimmy Kimmel scrubbing Mike Tyson's tattoo in...wait for it...a shower!

That's it! DVR or no DVR, I can't watch any more of this shit. I'm taking a bong hit and going to bed. If anything relevant happens I'll post about it in the morning. It's not as if this shit is timely.

Update: Fuck! I forgot to watch Common's performance. I knew there was some reason I was watching this crap.