Thursday, July 12, 2007

The Offseason Adventures Of Michael Vick! Episode 7: The Airport!

Back in April, Michael Vick was scheduled to lobby Congress on Capitol Hill to fund after school programs. Unfortunately, due to a late arrival on a flight from Tampa, he missed his 8:35PM connecting flight in Atlanta, and then was a no-show for the 10:50PM flight he was subsequently booked on. Here now is what transpired between those two times to cause Vick to his miss his connection.

Oh, man.

Oh, man.


I am fucking stoned.

(gets off plane)

I mean, holy shit. I feel like a neon light. Somebody get hold of me, because I can pretty much feel all my blood vessels pulsing right now. I can’t tell if I like it or not.

Man, Getting stoned before getting on that plane was a motherfuckin’ mistake, man. Fucking pilot said that flight would be 45 fucking minutes. That wasn’t no 45 minutes, okay? That was 8 days. That’s a long time to be in the fucking air, man.

I think my contacts are stuck to my eyes. FUCK. Now I gotta get on another flight? Shit. I can’t take this shit. I better smoke up.

(walks into bathroom stall, smokes up)

Hooo!!!!! That feels… NICE. I’m gonna shit, just to complete to the doubleheader.


Hooo!!!!! Double NICE!!!!!

Why is the toilet paper in this place only one ply? Fucking Scott Tissue. I may as well wipe my ass with an emery board.

What’s with these automatic faucets, man? There’s no water pressure in this shit. Look at this. Takes 5 hours just to rinse the soap off.

Air dryers? Fu-uck.

Oooh, California Pizza Kitchen!!!!!! MV7 is eating like a fucking kang tonight! Shrimp scampi pizza? That’s fucking crazy. I kinda want the Thai pizza. Or do I want the barbecue chicken pizza?

Thai, or barbecue chicken?

Thai, or barbecue chicken?

Thai, or barbecue chicken?

OOOH!!!! BLT Pizza!!!!

Thai, or barbecue chicken, or BLT?

Fuck it. I’m going to Pizza Hut.

Holy shit, this pizza is SOOOOOO good. Man, how come the only channel they got here is the CNN airport channel? I wanna see some fucking bullriding. Damn. Gotta see some bullriding. Let me go check that depressing airport bar where all the smokers have penned themselves in like caged dogs.

Well, why CAN’T you put on bullriding? You seriously telling me anyone in this city wants to see a Hawks game? The Hawks can scratch my balls, man. Man, fuck you. I’ll watch bullriding on my iPod.

Fucking iPod. You can do everything but recharge yourself.

Man, look at all these departing flights. There’s even one going to Sioux City. I didn’t even know people lived in Sioux City. I thought they called it a city as like a joke and shit. Ooooh, Paris! Damn, I’d like to go to Paris. I heard French whores are completely disaffected and will let you do anything. Seattle? Ain’t nothing but pasty fuckers there. Oh, man! MEXICO!!!!!!! I gotta go live in Mexico, man. They have hammocks. Hammocks are solid.

This wall of monitors is mesmerizing. I feel like a citizen of the world. There are people here from everywhere, man. It’s like a little mini-Earth of its own.

Holy shit, I just blew my own mind.

Guess I better go wait at the gate. What gate am I? E62? Where am I now? A49? Oh, SHIT.

I gotta get one of these moving walkways in my house. These things are incredible. I feel like I'm fast forwarding... THROUGH LIFE!

No wait! We need to install one in the new offense. Know how mobile I’d be cruisin’ past defenders on this bitch? God, we’re gonna go 16-0.

Man, this gate area’s crowded. I’m going to Hudson News.

Shit man, I gotta look at that Playboy’s Nudes. Is anyone around? I gotta wait for the shit to clear. Okay, I’m going in. They won’t notice if I tear the cellophane off.

Mmmmm, tits. Oh, yeah. Tits are my friend.

Man, where is Rolling Stone? All I see is Vanity Fair. Who the fuck reads that shit?

This gate area’s depressing. Where the fuck am I supposed to sit? These fucking old people put their bags all over the shit.

Christ, lady, control your fucking children! Can’t you see how miserable they’re making everyone? I’mma throw them out the jetway.

I wonder if that guy is done with that USA Today sports section.

Shit. He isn’t.

I can’t take this shit much longer.

OOOOH, an arcade!!!!!

Galaga, you are my BITCH.

(walks up to gate agent)

Hello, I’m Michael Vick. I believe I have a reservation for the 8:35 flight. I’m ready to board.

I’m sorry? It’s what time now?

Photo courtesy of The Onion.


the butler said...

thank god.

Anonymous said...

The Atlanta airport sounds awesome.

Otto Man said...

Seattle? Ain’t nothing but pasty fuckers there.

BDD 1, Captain Caveman 0.

throwbot said...

Getting stoned before getting on that plane was a motherfuckin’ mistake, man.

Damn straight. Unless you like having a heart attack going through security.

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

Ipod, you can do everything but recharge yourself.

So true.

PhilCatelinet said...

"Tits are my friend."

Truer words have never been spoken.

Unsilent Majority said...

Damn straight. Unless you like having a heart attack going through security.


Unknown said...

the CPK White Pizza is the only way to go what with the spinach and cheese and whatnot

lost said...

25 minutes to find the men's room

2 minutes to pack, light, puff, tap

8 minutes to shit

sounds about right to me

wv: wehaj - say this in the airport and you get the Arab treatment

Ray said...

Sadly, as someone who travels for work I found this to be a near diary of my average airport experience.

ColeTrain said...

@mcbain so Galaga's your bitch too?

liquid_d said...

"Galaga is my bitch"
I putting that on a T-shirt, today.

SMP said...

Don't you hate it when you get your fighter captured by the blue asshole with the tractor beam only to accidentally blow it up yourself with a pot-induced errant shot trying to retrieve it? The humanity!!

A little too inside? Sorry. . .

Josh Drimmer said...

ms. pac-man, you are my bitch.

John S. said...


Spy Hunter was the best.

(yeah... just try to get the Peter Gunn theme out of your heads now)

jackin'4beats said...

Vick was so articulate when he was stoned. What? OK I'll stop.

This wall of monitors is mesmerizing. I feel like a citizen of the world. There are people here from everywhere, man. It’s like a little mini-Earth of its own.

Just wow...

wv:niadwwed - the shit MV7 was smokin'.

The Last Dragon said...

Those damn airport faucets do suck. As do the air dryers. Another stellar effort. We need one of these every week.

Slash said...

These get better every time. I'm looking forward to MV at Wal-Mart, at the bank, at the dentist's office, etc.

gone said...

The only good thing whenever I travel thru the Atl airport on Delta is that I usually end up exiting right in front of Chick-fil-a.

That place is the fucking bomb. Especially when stoned. How come Vick didn't stop in there?

And as a Seattle-liver, yes - it is full of pasty white people. I don't think any of them can even start to brown even a little in the sun.

And I own Galaga.

Anonymous said...

i took the first aiport dump of my life this past sunday at the portland airport. it was pretty damn clean. i can't think of a better airport in which to lose my dumping cherry.

Smello said...

One of my prized possessions is a table top version of Galaga.

Sadly, it lives at my parents' house and I do not.

Laser Rocket Arm said...

I think "mesmerizing" would be hard for Vick to say when straight, let alone stoned. Other than that, good job, Drew.

Otto Man said...

I once took a dump at the Newark Airport and, looking down, saw that someone had hidden two unopened cans of Coors Light behind the base.

Seemed like a fitting place for a crap beer.

lost said...

Best dumping airport: Paris De Gaulle. The bathroom was clean enough to have sex in. And there was a shower. They don't call it an 8-hour layover for nothing.

A couple of beers would have been nice, though.

General Chow said...

Perfect....oh Man, did I bring my cars keys?? wait did i take limo to the airport? wait did i smoke before...wait, man, Dude, huh?

King Perkins said...

we need more ron mexico stories.

vballz01 said...

Nice work. Please do it again, but this time the auto-faucet doesn't work and he thinks he is invisible...

Todd W. Smith said...

I grew up in Sioux City. And trust me, i wish it was just a joke...