Jeff Triplette, I Am Gonna Find Yo Ass

So Orlando Brown is picking up the paper the other day and reading about how all the referees in basketball have ties to the mob.

Then Orlando Brown read that those refs are rigging games.

This made Orlando Brown think.

This made Orlando Brown flash back to 1999. This made Orlando Brown think of you, Jeffrey Triplette. This made Orlando Brown think that little flag-throwing “accident” you had wasn’t much of an accident at all.

Jeff Triplette, I am gonna find yo ass.

Jeff Triplette, I hope you are living in a small, European country that has no extradition treaty with the United States. I hope the house you are staying in you has a secret passage located behind a bookcase that only you know about. I hope that passage leads to an underground chamber that is stocked with lots of canned food and other non-perishables.

Because, if you haven’t done any of that, I will find you. And when I find you, I’m gonna fucking destroy you.

Oh, I know you apologized. How very convenient. You were just “careless”. Sure, you were. I’m sure you were real careless surgically removing my cornea with a handkerchief. Could have happened to anyone, eh? Had nothing to do with the fact that you are a decorated war veteran who probably took courses in hand-to-handkerchief combat, eh? Had nothing to do with any possible ties to the Bonanno crime family, eh?

Orlando Brown is skeptical. No, now that this new information has come to light, Orlando Brown thinks it might be nice to seek a little bit of retribution on yo monkey ass.

You took my eye, you piece of shit. Nobody does that to Zeus without getting a lightning bolt crammed down their esophagus. You may be tricky with a handkerchief, my friend, but Orlando Brown is skilled with over 27 different firearms and blunt objects.

Oh, and this time, I’ll be bringing these.


Advantage: Orlando Brown.

Jeff Triplette, Orlando Brown is a very religious man. Not only does he believe in eye for an eye, he actually is more than happy to go above and beyond that. An eye for a leg, perhaps. Or maybe an eye for a testicle. Or even an eye for a large intestine. Or, perhaps I’ll be feeling extremely biblical that day and trade an eye for all of the above. Enjoy reffing games with only half your vital organs, you son of a bitch.

Are you scared yet, Triplette? You should be. You should be kissing your family goodbye, and wearing adult diapers to guard against pooping yourself with fright.

Because I’m gonna find you. And when I do, it ain’t gonna be no light shove like this.


No, it’s going to look more like this.


So look out, Mr. Triplette. Zeus is gonna go Ixion on your ass.

PROGRAMMING NOTE: My 2007 Vikings preview is up over at Deadspin. And 10 out of 10 commenters agree: it's a piece of shit!