Tuesday, July 10, 2007

KSK 2007 NFL Season Prekakke: Arizona Cardinals

Five Fast Facts About The Cardinals:
-Wideout Larry Fitzgerald makes a mock apple pie with Ritz Crackers that will make your head swoon.
-Running back Edgerrin James is famous for lifting weights late at night and bringing in crackheads off the street to spot for him. This is a smart move, because a crackhead can easily lift over seven times his body weight for some crack.
-Quarterback Matt Leinart is best friends with Nick Lachey. The two share much in common, including the fact that their best days are far behind them.
-The Cardinals new stadium was nearly named after the Mexican restaurant chain Pink Taco. But those plans were scrapped after restaurant executives realized that it was the Seahawks home stadium that looked more like a gaping vaginal canal.
-Tight End Leonard Pope has a Popemobile of his own. Like the real Popemobile, it features bulletproof glass. Unlike the real Popemobile, it also features a Bose surround system and a plastic vagina that plugs into the cigarette lighter.

Projected 2007 Record:
10-6, 1st in NFC West

Actual 2007 Record:
8-8, 3rd in NFC West

Ten Yards Of Awkwardness With: Bryant Johnson!

During our NFL prekakke celebration, I’ll be sitting down to chat with players from various teams across the league. For the Cardinals, it’s third wide receiver and potentially annoying fantasy TD vulture Bryant Johnson.

Big Daddy Drew: Thanks for sitting down with us, Bryant.
Bryant Johnson: No problem.

Drew: The Super Bowl is being held in Arizona this year. Can I sit with you?
Johnson: No.

Drew: Did you know the Cards are Will Leitch’s favorite team, and by “favorite”, I mean “least indifferent towards”?
Johnson: No.

Big Daddy Drew: Is the T on the end of your name silent? Because I barely bother to pronounce it anyway.
Bryant Johnson: No. It’s Bryant.

Big Daddy Drew: Seriously though, it’s just Bryan with a vestigial T on the end. It could be a D and it still wouldn’t matter.
Bryant Johnson: It’s Bryant.

Drew: Matt Leinart once nailed Paris Hilton. Do you keep Purell in your locker? You should.
Johnson: No.

Drew: Does it concern you at all that Matt Leinart doesn’t even have a better physique than Steve fucking Nash in this photo?

Johnson: No.

Drew: Are you sure? I haven’t seen a chest that small since Debra Messing.
Johnson: Matt will be great.

Drew: Where does Leinart hide when Brynn Cameron’s process server show up? Is there a crawlspace in the locker room that he favors?
Johnson: I don’t know.

Drew: Your center’s name is Nick Leckey. Are we really to think it mere coincidence that the team hired a guy with a name two letters away from Nick Lachey to bend over in front of Matt on a daily basis?
Johnson: It’s a coincidence.

Drew: Your new coach, Ken Whisenhunt, has been called a Bill Cowher clone. Does Whisenhunt also pretend to like girl’s basketball because he’s stuck with two daughters who play it?
Johnson: No.

Drew: I heard a rumor that Whisenhunt was only able to convince Russ Grimm to join his staff by pointing out Arizona on a map and showing him that it wasn’t across the Pacific Ocean. True?
Johnson: No.

Drew: Your college coach, Joe Paterno, is making his players clean the stadium after all home games this year. Are you terrified this will give Bill Bidwill potential cost-saving ideas?
Johnson: Yes.

Drew: You play the z-slot. I heard Anquan Boldin is quite good at playing the v-slot, if you know what I mean.
Johnson: I don’t know what you mean.

Drew: The team’s 4th receiver is Michael Spurlock. How did he get into such great shape after eating all that McDonald’s shit?
Johnson: That was Morgan Spurlock.

Drew: Whatever. I think he totally was playing to the cameras in that movie anyway. What a douche. Any cum-stained garments in Chris Liwienski’s locker?
Johnson: No.

Drew: Is Marcel Shipp a painter? That’s a total painter name.
Johnson: No.

Drew: A mime?
Johnson: No.

Drew: Your coach last season was Denny Green. I remember one of Green’s favorite sayings was, “Plan your work, and work your plan.” What other worthless, empty sayings did that fat fuck bestow upon you?
Johnson: Coach Green was all right.

Drew: Coach Green enjoyed fishing quite a bit. Do you think Coach Green missed precious time to prepare for games while being cut out of his waders every morning?
Johnson: Coach Green was all right.

Drew: Does Edgerrin James happen to enjoy the delicious, all-artificial flavor of Koolaid?
Johnson: I dunno.

Drew: Would you tell Keith Poole to go fuck himself for me? To go fuck himself hard and raw?
Johnson: Who’s that?

Drew: Never mind. Would you consider kissing me?
Johnson: No.

Drew: C’mon. I live at home and shit on towels. This would give me a little excitement for once.
Johnson: No.

Drew: Bryant, thanks for your time. Good luck this year.
Johnson: My pleasure.


Unknown said...

Didn't Leonard Davis defect to the Cowboys?

throwbot said...

Quarterback Matt Leinart is best friends with Nick Lachey. The two share much in common, including chlamydia.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Did he? Fuck. Gotta correct that.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Ok, I took that one out.

Mevs said...


Matt said...

"Drew: Does Edgerrin James happen to enjoy the delicious, all-artificial flavor of Koolaid?"

Nice. I can't wait for the Patriots preview.

For that and 10 minutes of Moss-bashing.

Jay said...

Oh, Bryant. You so crazy.

Wait, no, no you are not. I wonder how it feels to have Fitzy lord it over you.

Unknown said...

no problem Drew, I am just so happy to see NFL team previews again (and the Texans, I presume)!

Peter McSheisty said...

In my opinion (which doesnt mean shit) this post and UM's from earlier are two of the best you have had in weeks. Fan-fucking-tastic, gentlemen.

BeaverFever said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
BeaverFever said...

chris berman would like to remind you that brown grad sean morey now plays for the cardinals.

Anonymous said...

"cheers to bdd for all his recent nfl related work."

"cheers to my fukcking computer for making my internet quit every time I open deadspin."

Big Daddy Drew said...

lb, I'm having that issue too. Use firefox.

Anonymous said...

thanks. I thought it was rob attempting to keep me off. (not really)

My Hero Zero said...

Dear Matt,

The best way to refute the rumors swirling around that you're gay is to pose half-nude in a pool while touching other guys.

Also, use the term "swirling around" as little as possible.

-Brady Quinn

jackin'4beats said...

Now that Brady Quinn is the new NFL gay poster child, let's hope the Cowboys preview doesn't contain any references to Romo, Peter King or man lotion.

Is that too much to ask or am I too late?

SlickBomb said...

I am so glad this is back. Made my day, Drew.

Anonymous said...

The same people projecting the Arizona Cardinals to finish first in the west (again) are the same people who think Mitt Romney is going to be the next President. I'll be equally as shocked if one or the other occurs.

Anonymous said...

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand I'm officially excted for football season.

This year's going to be a dandy...or a disappointment (Tom Coughlin is still coaching the Giants afterall)

K-Rock said...

I would have asked Bryant to translate "construda" from ebonics to white folk speech

bloodyhandedgod said...

That was damn good. The "towels" part was a bit of a stopper. :lol:

Anonymous said...

Mitt Romney won't be the next president?!?!

the butler said...

Prekakke might single-handedly carry me through the off-season.

...and why do the two most annoying fantasy TD vultures have the initials "B.J."

DMtShooter said...

What, no Kurt Warner questions? I totally want to know if he tried to make sure Bryant was Christian before throwing to him. And there *had* to be some Brenda Warner questions, too.

Damm, I'm going to miss not having him to kick around...

jackin'4beats said...

The Vikings Prekakke should be a classic. Ok Drew, get to interviewing those sex boat lovin', whizzinator carryin', no defense havin' players who don't know how to properly make it rain on those nordic bi-yatches in the Twin Cities.

Maybe they'll pick up Pac-Man after his 1 year suspension so they can get their mo-jo right.

Slash said...

This may be the best interview ever.

Philistine said...

Is there a silent 't' on the end of Johnson too?

AlanTdot said...

Don't know how you got him to not hang up on you. Good work.


Big Daddy Drew said...

Because I never called him to begin with.

bloodyhandedgod said...

You bastard.

Pacman Jonesin' said...

This was one of the best blog posts I've read in some time.

And anyone who ever allows Bryan(t) Johnson on their fantasy team is a complete loser. That guy couldn't vulture Nerf TDs.