Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Hiroshima on the Hudson, Pompeii on the Potomac, Atlantis on the Allegheny and so much more

...because we get bored at work just like everybody else (except for Caveman, he works at whichever titty bar has the best wireless signal).

Once again the KSK crew decided to kill some additional time with a marathon email thread. This time we decided to conduct a mock draft of the cities we might eliminate if given the means and opportunity (our motives are included). Yeah, we're not perfect human beings (we aren't even Mormon!).

Disclaimer: Nobody at KSK is promoting the destruction of an American city. This is just a jumping off point in case the situation presented itself.

1. UM- Baltimore

Like any good District resident I bear a strong loathing for mortal enemies down I-95. If you're from one city you pretty much have to hate the other, they're so different and yet so close by. If you don't hate one of them then you probably live in Columbia, in which case you do not matter.

2. Punter- NOLA

Punter: New Orleans, LA. I'll get an NFL team in LA. Watch me. "Monday Morning Punter --Finishing What Katrina Started."

Flubby: You're crazy, New Orleans might be the best city in America.

Punter: I think pissing in the street is slightly overrated.

3. Flubby- Memphis

I would have taken Memphis even if I had the #1 overall pick.

Apartheid is alive and well in Memphis. All the whites of means packed up and moved to Germantown long ago, leaving a decaying husk of
a city behind.

Other reasons Memphis sucks: Mud Island is boring as hell. Dog tracks should not be patronized by civilized folk or anyone who purports to give a damn about dogs. The Peabody Hotel ducks. Not one but two deserted white-elephant arenas: the Pyramid and Mid-South Coliseum. Their minor-league baseball park is named after noted douchebag Tim McCarver. Libertyland: the OD'd over-the-hill porn star of amusement parks.

4. Ape- Cleveland

I know Matt is going with Pittsburgh with the next pick, so it's tempting to pre-empt him with Seattle, but I've ceased to care about Seahawks fans, most of whom have stopped their whining by now. And, having never been to the Emerald City, it would seem foolish to condemn it. Besides, there are still far more clearly worthy of demolition.

Sienna Miller hates Pittsburgh as much as Captain Caveman. Plus she is hot.

5. Caveman- Pittsburgh

I had to think hard about this one, actually. Anyone from Pittsburgh with any kind of intellectual worth leaves the city (see also: Christmas Ape), so the public outcry from the diaspora of Yinzers (who eagerly fled the city) could make Pittsburgh an exceptionally annoying martyr. On the other hand, the destruction of Heinz Field, the Steelers, and the Pittsburghers most closely related to the genus Australopithecus would make it more than worthwhile.

6. Drew- Boston

And I'd take it #1 if I had the choice. Let's see: cold, fuckface fans, shitty roads that don't have matching entry and exit points, any number of pretentious jackass college students, the accent, Fenway fucking Park, Bill Simmons' family, a completely misplaced sense of civic pride, and Legal Seafoods is a fucking ripoff.

7. Drew- LA (ed. note: not on Jack Bauer's watch!)

It's the Simmons sweep. It takes 45 minutes to get anywhere in that fucking town, and once you get there you are confronted with a bunch
of self-important douchebags who look right through you. Oh, and
actors in Hollywood are so easily offended that the
y had to hire Ellen
Degeneres - the comedian for people who don't like comedy - to ho
the Oscars...

8. Caveman- St. Louis

A hundred years ago, St. Louis really was the "Gateway to the West." Cross-country rail traffic had to go through the hub of St. Louis. And yet today everyone flies through O'Hare. Why is that? Well, I'm not entirely sure, but it may have something to do with the city's population being smaller now than it was when it held the World's Fair in 1904. See, not only did the rich white people move to the suburbs (like every American city), they even went so far as to re-draw county lines so their taxes wouldn't help the black people. Great story, right? But hey, they go to church and cheer for those underdog Cardinals, they must be good people!

Fuck that piece of shit city. Miserably humid summers, cold-ass windy winters, Budweiser, goatees, and God-fearing pear-shaped people.


9. Ape- Houston

Any place that constantly, miserably hot and humid should have the decency to have at least some redeeming qualities. Instead, you have a spawling town of 2 million people with no culture, the most obnoxious rap scene in the country (I fucking hate Paul Wall), and monstrous economic disparity. Throw in Enron, Tom DeLay and the designation of America's fattest city for a number of years and no wonder Lisa Novak went fucking nuts.

10. Flubby- Texarkana

Flubby started some long story about a road trip to Dallas involving a quest for beer (the statute of limitations has passed). Here's the ending...

Finally arriving in Texarkana, we piled out of the van and raced into the gas station.
Imagine our dismay when the yokel counter jockey told us that there was, despite what we had been told by the theme from "Smokey and the Bandit", there is no beer in Texarkana. "Dry county," said the skinny kid in a Jackyl shirt . "But- but- Jerry Reed promised...." we sputtered to no avail. We slinked back to the van and rode the rest of the way to Dallas in dejected silence. Years later, I'm still bitter. That's why I hate Texarkana. I can hold a grudge like a motherfucker.

11. Punter- Indianapolis

For reasons already discussed

12. UM- Dallas

As a lifelong fan of the Redskins I pretty much have to hate Dallas (but they make it so easy). Dan Snyder is reportedly putting an "I hate Dallas" clause in the season ticket contracts, oddly counterintuitive coming for the owner of Six Flags. Seriously though, Dallas fucking sucks. The airport is one giant godforsaken circle and all you can hear is some overly accented PA announcer that you just fucking know is wearing a cowboy hat.

13. UM- Columbus

It's probably been said before (if not it should have been), but Ohio is the appendix of America. It hasn't been useful for as long as anybody can remember but it's always there just waiting to fuck up everything you've got going. Columbus is the epitome of the forsaken state. It's filled with Buckeye lovin' douchebags (sorry Punter) who almost make me not hate Michigan every damn day. Plus I'm jealous of their skills in botany.

14. Punter- DC

He's just mad because I destroyed C-bus.

15. Flubby- Sioux Falls (a google search backs up flubby's story that this is not a made up city)

As much as I would like to pick Greenville, SC solely to stick it to Punter over his Tony Mandarich-esque selection, I just can't do that to the fine people of the Palmetto State.

Give me Sioux Falls, SD a depressing dingy cow-town spotted with incongruous shimmering skyscrapers home to multinationals taking advantage of the state's predatory usury laws.

16. Ape- Orlando

It contains everything unlikeable about L.A.: relentless traffic congestion; nonexistent public transport; stupid, superficial people. However, it's all tinged with white trash Florida values and milieu. Most of the terrible pop music you hear comes from Orlando. The public water smells like shit because it's filled with sulfur and Disney controls everything. Before wising up and finishing my college career at Maryland, I spent my freshman year at UCF, when I still had delusions of being a film student. The 2000 election happened during this year and, despite being in the nexus of the crisis, no one I met in Orlando seemed to give a shit. But when Dale Earnhardt died months later, people were weeping in the streets. Even College Park has more charm than Orlando and that's saying a lot.

17. Caveman- Staten Island

Detroit and Jacksonville definitely suck, but I've got nothing against them personally. I'm gonna take Staten Island as my final pick. Technically not a city, but it's the cancerous dewlap of New York. It needs to be destroyed.

18. Drew- Atlanta

I need to take a major city to ensure I win the body count here. I want to be the Stalin of the group, not the Hitler. Plus, I've killed lots of annoying liberals already. Time to kill me some Georgian conservatives. Along with Atlanta's shitass traffic, apathetic fans, and Ted Turner. Fuck Ted Turner. Also, I read the first 100 pages of Wolfe's "A Man In Full" and it fucking sucked.


One of Many Lisas said...

I'm with MMP, I'd knock NO right of the map.

Slipping and sliding on vomit while I'm trying to walk down the street isn't really my thing. And any place where a clown will pop out of an alleyway and make me a penis shaped balloon animal must be completely obliterated from existence.

flubby said...

I will leave you and MMP to your frilly-underpants teddy bear tea parties in the backyard.

Steve said...


The EXACT same thing happened to me while driving from Pennsylvania to Mexico. we neded up having to drive an extra 6 hours or whatever just to get a damn beer in that god forsaken state. Fuck Texas!

I am supremely disappointed that Philadelphia did not get one vote to get wiped off the map. Its sports fans and citizens in general are idiots and do not deserve to breath another breath. YOu shoudl all be ashamed.

FenwayFaithful78 said...

Nothing in Connecticut? Driving through there on 95 is awful-the state is split between extras from Mystic Pizza and Greenich douchbagey loafer wearing yankmee fans. It's awful! BOOM Waterbury. BOOM Hartford. BOOM umm..what's another city in CT....New Haven. I hate New Haven!

evan said...

Mr. Ape, I live in Orlando and should debate your points. I have civic pride only for my state, not this hole. Our city got bilked by Lou Perlman of all people. The guy running the Backstreet Boys managed to sell them an idea about a revilatized downtown. A bunch of tax money and some indictments later, he's in Germany.

I can't wait to get back to Miami for good.

My selection is the greater Tampa Bay area. I had to move there for high school and would move my parents out and then drops the bombs. Boom goes the dynamite and guess what? I still have the beach, just no Quebecois.

BeaverFever said...

Toss up between NOLA and Boston. As a Yankee fan the Boston hate is in the blood and their streets suck. Easily the worst citty to drive in. NOLA is the filthiest city I've ever been to, the only thing that saves NOLA is that you can gamble there.

save the steagles said...

In the destruction of Columbus do yuppy suburbs slightly to the north get to survive? Because if that is the case, implode that shit hole immediately. My heart dances with the thought of OSU and it's "students" evaporated from this earth.

becky said...

All of NJ survived! It's a Christmas miracle!!!

jackin'4beats said...


Why? To obliterate any evidence of the Celtics being a good team and because that accent truly needs to be eliminated from the face of the earth.

Ben said...

I find it depressing as a Clevelander that you didn't even list a reason why it needed to be destroyed. It was sort of like it was implied.

At least Baltimore was destroyed first.

king of the herculoids said...

the beauty of kansas, nobody ever fucks with kansas...not the movies, not the tv, not even you guys...bring on the destruction

Grimey said...

I'd just like to remind you guys that this is how all that trouble got started in Wargames. You better hope that Blogger isn't being hosted on the old WOPR machine.

liquid_d said...

Instead of just one city in New Jersey, could I just get rid of the entire state? (same applies for Ohio)

Walklett said...


Your obvious Phila-envy shines through in your post. It must suck to live in PA and tell people you're not from here. For a second, i was offended. Then i remembered noone cares about you non-southeastern Pennsylvanians.

You're right, we are "idiots" and should not "breath" another breath, or spell another word.

Vee said...

Liquid, I like the way you think. Couple that with the fact that Philly is pretty much a New Jersey city and it's win-win!

Captain Caveman said...

the beauty of kansas, nobody ever fucks with kansas...not the movies, not the tv, not even you guys...

Best check yourself, King. Abilene was about to get destroyed when UM posited that I could feasibly take a borough. I fucking hate Kansas.

Bouj said...

Drew's description of LA could not have been more on point. I would never advocate poor sportmanship, but that city made me want to start sucker-punching douchebags because they all had it coming. It's a shame that I have a couple of good friends there (not from there, otherwise they'd be douchebags automatically).

And someone tell NOLA that hosing the streets down every morning does not equal cleaning them and it most certainly does not get rid of the smell. Remember to throw your shoes out.

Ray said...

No Cincinnati? The only saving grace is there's a road out to obtain Everclear in Kentucky.

Steve said...


Oh you got me. I forgot the "e" at the end of “breathe.” Ouch that hurts. Philthy-delphia must be brimming with pride at your mad grammar skills.

My major gripe with Philly is its sports fans. Eagle's fans are even embarrassed by Eagle's fans behavior.

And I do live in Southeast PA. I would have to flee to a more isolated area prior to euthanizing Philly, its suburbs and all the New Jersey dicks that live here.

save the steagles said...

The intern is right, anyone who's ever had the pleasure of residing in this fine state knows that when you start destroying it you must start in that crime-ridden, sweet chili loving, pus-oozing eye-sore that is Cincinnati.

Rolf von Friedgen said...

Blow up everything in Kansas west of Lawrence. This place is pretty cool, though, and KC's not bad for a "major" city in the middle of fucking nowhere.

MDG said...

Detroit needs to go.

Scrappled said...

Philly and Denver survive? I'll always have a home. Fucking sweet.

I honestly can't argue with a single city that made the list. Well done.

MyBoysAreMyLife said...

Why all the Jersey hate? Come one, no one likes Bruce or Bon Jovi?

cameltrader said...

BDD on point as usual. Boston should've been the first pick. And Atlanta has to go, only because of the fucking Braves. And I'll only disagree with CC about Staten Island because I have family there. If they moved, well, boom goes the dynamite.

MDG said...

Bon Jovi Rules. The rest of Jersey is crap.

VV: bamyt... as in why hasn't Baltimore gone Bam Yet?

Anonymous said...

Ape, the only reason you spared Seattle was that you know in your heart it is 10 timss the city Pittsburgh will ever be, and the fact that you even brought it up tells me that all that happened from the Super Bowl still knaws at you. Good.

Grimey said...

I say spare Atlanta because of the fucking Braves. And for the fact that I don't want to have to drive all the way to St. Petersburg to see a Warped Tour.

Edward Von Bear said...

What about Kansas City? As fat and redneck as St. Louis is, KC is even worse. Oh, and they still brag about the Denkinger Series as though that will assuage the hurt Royal Fan (and I use the singular on purpose) has for the past 22 seasons.

Also, what about Charlotte, NC or Durham, NC (Just because Duke is in Durham, and Duke Sucks)?

Otto Man said...

the beauty of kansas, nobody ever fucks with kansas...not the movies, not the tv, not even you guys...

Ever see The Day After? Kansas gets nuked, and then has to survive the horrors of a mutated Steve Guttenburg. The living envied the dead.

Christmas Ape said...

Or, j.l. white, perhaps it's because the Steelers beat the Seahawks in the Super Bowl and it's difficult to resent a beaten team. That is, unless their fans wage a (now year-plus) campaign of increasingly pathetic blubbering and attempts at spin.

Also, they can't spell gnaw. Weren't Steelers fans supposed to be the illiterate ones?

Otto Man said...

Also, what about Charlotte, NC or Durham, NC (Just because Duke is in Durham, and Duke Sucks)?

Durham already has to live with all the obnoxious students attending the University of New Jersey-Durham. Destroying the city would only bring them peace.

Vee said...

Eddiebear- you may be shocked when I tell you that Duke's campus, along with the new Bulls stadium and maybe one or two strip bars, are about the only saving graces Durham has. It could definitley use a good "cleasing".

Vee said...

You too, Otto!

ps. "cleansing".

king of the herculoids said...

so as i bow down to the ass beating i just received about kansas...oh well, i cant wait to get out of college and get the fuck out of this shithole state

Edward Von Bear said...


I live in St. Louis, and while it is indeed hot, humid, fat, redneck and racially disharmonious, we share one problem with Durham. Washington U is a dumping ground for NY and NJ kids who couldn't get into the colleges out East. I should know. I went there.

My brother is a Captain in the Army and stationed at Ft. Riley, KS, which is near K-State. He wants to get out of Kansas so bad.

Insomnia95 said...

How did someone not take Philadelphia yet? I spent three years there, and there is nothing redeeming about that city, especially when it comes to sports. What other city would blame the fact that none of their professional teams can win on the fact that they decided to build a skyscraper higher than Billy Penn's hat?! Add on top of that booing hometown boy Kobe (before Eagle, CO I believe), throwing shit at Santa, having a jail in your football stadium, McNabb puking or folding at any critical moment, TO, and consider that the highlight of the past 25 years there is the FREDDIE MITCHELL reception on 4th and 26 against The Gunslinger's team. Seriously though, if there is any team that is the red-headed stepchild between NYC, DC, and Baltimore, it's Philly. And yes, I would keep Baltimore over Philly any day of the week. I really can't do it justice though. Anyone wanting to hear a terrific rant against philly needs to check out these Bill Burr clips on youtube:


Signal to Noise said...

I would like to utter my vote for nuclear destruction of Salt Lake City.

Edward Von Bear said...


I forgot about that. Good one.

Edward Von Bear said...

I forgot to add anything in Minnesota. Just because.

Mike said...

All of NJ survived! It's a Christmas miracle!!!

Sorry Becky, look on a map. If not for the friggin ferry, which state would you think owned Staten Island?

In geography & spirit, Staten Island is more Jersey than Bayonne and Paramus combined. Accept it as our gift. A Trojan, you might say, without the horse.

Ray said...

I'm still shocked that Detroit wasn't eliminated by someone. Anyone. So bad that even Journey couldn't even find the silver lining, singing instead about being born and raised in South Detroit, which is in fact just Windsor.

Even Sergei Fedorov was a 99 in NHL '93 on Sega, but still didn't couldn't touch to Jeremy Roenick. Go fuck yourself, Detroit.

Grimey said...

This is ouuur couuuntry....

A.J. said...

Dear Becky,

"All of NJ survived! It's a Christmas miracle!!!"

that's because we weren't discussing an entire state, because that would obviously be the first one to go. Caveman hit it right on the nose with his final Staten Island pick.

your friend,

Unsilent Majority said...

ohio might have beaten out jersey.

Otto Man said...

In geography & spirit, Staten Island is more Jersey than Bayonne and Paramus combined. Accept it as our gift. A Trojan, you might say, without the horse.

There are plenty of used Trojans scattered around Staten Island already. Locals call them "Staten Island whitefish" for a reason.

Mike said...

Makes me wonder what Staten Islanders think of regarding smoked whitefish. Or whitefish spread.

Dan said...

"Seriously though, if there is any team that is the red-headed stepchild between NYC, DC, and Baltimore, it's Philly. And yes, I would keep Baltimore over Philly any day of the week."

Wow, spoken like someone who truly has no fucking clue what they are talking about. Baltimore and DC cannot hold a candle to Philly in terms of worth (no offense UM). Hell, they barely even qualify as cities. And, despite your rant, you failed to actually mention anything you didn't like about Philly aside form the sports fans, who get a bad rap because our idiots tend to be particularly vocal. You're probably the one dude who can't get laid here. Also, Kobe is NOT from Philly. His bitch ass grew up in Italy. He went to high school in a Philly SUBURB and no one here likes him. Look, Philly is not without its flaws, some of them quite major. But there are very, very few cities that can boast Philly's combination of diversity, culture and history, and DC and Baltimore are not in that group.

save the steagles said...

I don't get how people don't like Philly. It gave us not only the Declaration of Independence, but the freaking Constitution as well! When you combine those achievements with Rocky and a cheesesteak from Pat's, there can be no doubt Philly is the greatest city our nation has to offer.

MDG said...

someone explain to me how DC is not in the same class as Philly for the combo of diversity, culture, and history?

DC also is the Sports Blogging Capital of the World.

My Insignificant Life said...

What about South Bend/Notre Dame??? Don't tell me that they're on the losing end again....They can't win bowl games; they can't win the the right to get nuked....Talk about ultimate losers......

jessica rita said...

I left here for college in Philly (I have brains!), left Philly and came back to Pittsburgh to reap the benefits of real estate investments. (I have more brains!)

So go ahead and listen to Sienna Miller's horrible fashion wearing-ass, or dudes from Philly who will boast about their history and culture. History fine, but ask anyone, even people who love Philly, and they'll admit that while there's an abundance of cultural events in the city, the people who reside there are without culture themselves.

Besides, if it weren't for the Iron City, you wouldn't have the Big Mac, pop top cans, baseball stadiums or the World Series, commercial radio, the ferris wheel, long distance electricity, gas stations, movie theaters, or Charlie Batch.

Happy Fun Miles said...

First and foremost, I'd like to state that as a life-long resident of the #1 draft pick, there's no way I'd nuke DC first. First, that would off UM, and despite his hatred for my hometown, I'd rather keep him around and writing for this blog. Besides, some god-forsaken third-world nation with a belligerent dictator, an itchy trigger finger and a nuke that fell off one of Pooty-poot's trucks will take care of that for me.

Oh no, KSK friends.

I'm firing the Baltimore nukes at Pittsburgh.

Ah, Pittsburgh. How I loathe thee? Let me count the ways. You are the ugliest, most disgusting cess pool of a city I've ever been forced to spend a weekend in. Dear god, it's like the whole city was vomited all over by some kind of drunken, diseased minor demon. Even Satan himself wouldn't be caught in Pittsburgh. The people are fat(ter than those in Baltimore), ugly(-er than those in Baltimore) and rude.

And another thing. They call themselves "Pittsburghers". Seriously. They insist on referring to themselves in a way that harkens to a slab of ground bovine flesh. HEY, DUMBASSES. YOU COULD CALL YOURSELVES "PITTSBURGIANS". IT'D BE 100% LESS RETARDED.

If I ever step foot in Pittsburgh again, I will rip out my own throat. A painful hara-kiri is far more honorable than breathing another speck steel dust of that f**king hell hole.

Not to speak anything of your sports teams. =u)

Finally, the people of Cleveland are fully allowed to point their nukes at us. I understand.

becky said...

Dear Clutch,

I simply did not feel like listing all of the cities in NJ that miraculously survived, i.e. Newark, Trenton, and all the rest of those goodies. Way to jump the gun on smug "intelligence" though. Thanks for showing me the light!

Anyway, I'll back up CC- Staten Island = the correct choice. "Geography" making it part of NJ or not. Nuke the bastards.

One of Many Lisas said...

But there are very, very few cities that can boast Philly's combination of diversity, culture and history, and DC and Baltimore are not in that group.

Well, I can understand not putting Baltimore in that group, but DC can't boast a combination of diversity, culture and history? Talk about having no fucking clue...

the butler said...

Memphis? My Home! Are you serious? Memphis might be the one city in this culturally retarded nation that I would NOT blow the hell up.

It's THE MOST MENTIONED CITY IN MUSIC! Which might be the coolest thing you could possibly say about a city. Memphis OWNS BBQ as well, and I don't even want to hear anyone from St. Louis or Texas try to bullshit.

Without Memphis none of you would know what good music sounds like. You fuckers should appreciate that.

And where else but Mud Island can you stand between Triple Six Mafia and Lynyrd Skynyrd playing a show at the exact same time?

If you're going to blow up a city in Tennessee, make it Nashville, the wanna-be Music City. More like the Pop-Country Bullshit City.
Memphis has more character in one little off-alley BBQ joint than Nashville has in all its sprawling cookie-cutter burbs combined.

Good point about Libertyland, though. I almost forgot about that place. I wonder if that God awful Pink Palace Museum is still standing.

Happy Fun Miles said...

the butler
But could you sustain a CFL franchise?

Dan said...

Yeah, I suppose DC is laden with culture and history, but DC is all 'burbs man. It isn't terribly diverse within city limits, which essentially consists of the downtown areas and ghettos. That being said, I suppose I still should have limited that last statement to Baltimore.

One of Many Lisas said...

Yeah, I suppose DC is laden with culture and history, but DC is all 'burbs man.

Hey, there's nothing wrong with the 'burbs! We have outlet malls, fast food and Wal-Mart/Target on every corner, and a decidedly lower percentage of homeless people.

WCT said...

1 - you got rid of Cleveland so I say Fuck you

2 - how did neither Detroit, nor the entire state of CT make this list?

The Andre Waters Experience said...

Dallas should have gone #1. Big D's cultural high point: "Stuckey's."

That said, it's clear that none of you have ever been to Trenton, New Jersey.

And, in the spirit of my fair city, I have the following message to anyone who denies the cultural worth, fantastic restaurant scene, historical interest or general livability of Philadelphia:

Fuck you, you fucking piece of shit douchebag.

Thank you, and good day.

Jez said...

That's right. No one mentioned Chicago. Wanna know why? BEST FUCKING CITY IN THE U.S.! Third largest, but great sports town, great food to be had, and great lake.

I have to second the nuking of Texarkana. Take the whole fucking state of Arkansas, Texas, Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama, and Florida. Other than nice weather, those places have SHIT to offer, culturally.

Memphis is a keeper. Georgia's a keeper solely for Athens, but you can nuke Atlanta. FUCK Atlanta.

And I always thought Baltimore was a great beer-drinking town.

One of Many Lisas said...

And I always thought Baltimore was a great beer-drinking town.

If you're going to be spending an extended amount of time there, it is preferable to be drunk.

Unsilent Majority said...

first off, every town that serves beer is a "great beer-drinking town"

Steagles- that's all ancient history, you're just mad because you lost the capital!

even when i set aside happy's kind words towards me i have to say that was some spot-on hate. we know something about hating here at ksk and your take on pittsburgh is much appreciated (even though i transferred out of the city i still don't totally hate it). your admission that cleveland has a right to bomb you is spot on, you are a credit to your rotten piece of shit city.

andre, i took baltimore no. 1 because i knew they wouldn't stick around. there was a great shot at getting dallas on the wrap.

as for the whole dc culture/diversity suburb/ghetto discussion i'd like to remind you that I live in the District and I live neither downtown nor in the ghetto. It is in fact a real city, just because Alexandria seceded back in the 19th century doesn't mean we don't wield a big stick.

Unsilent Majority said...

i can't believe i just botched the capitol/capital conundrum. in dc we learn that in first grade. clearly i'm not sober.

jessica rita said...

happy fun miles, we're not all a bunch of fucking yinzer idiots up here. I'm not sure who forced you to spend a weekend here, or where you were dragged in search of a good time, but I refuse to let dudes from Baltimore hate on Pittsburgh.

While I realize we lose points for our lack of gutter music, I'm sure we gain a few points for barges, bridges, cheap drinking and the most bars per 1/10 of a mile. If that's still not good enough, there's always my "Where was Ray Lewis When Joey Porter Got Shot?" t-shirt.

mamacita said...

65 comments and not one person chimed in to save Houston. We're pretty easygoing, I guess.

The suburbs suck, though: Lisa Novak (astronaut in diapers) and Andrea Yates (mom who drowned her kids) both lived in Clear Lake, and in Texas City, they tried to blow themselves up (BP plant accident). Unlike other towns we could name *coughMemphiscough* the smart white people live in town here.

mamacita said...

I almost forgot -- Tom Delay is from a suburb, too (Sugar Land).

Unknown said...

People, People, People... Lets not forget the awful town of Birmingham. It has given us great Hospital to send busted pitchers and broken winged QB's, but after that, these people think that the are better than people that live in the ATL, and as sophisticated as North-Easterners. These country fucks need to be put out of their misery, but given hair cuts before hand... (reference MTV show Two-A-Days)

Ray said...

Lets not forget the awful town of Birmingham.

I think that's exactly what everyone did. Has anyone here even been to Birmingham, much less garnered ill will towards it?

Otto Man said...

I've been to Birmingham. A redneck rear-ended me at a stoplight, and when I got out to check the damage, the idiot just stayed in his car. Apparently, they take the NASCAR credo of "rubbin's racin'!" a little too close to heart there.

Vee said...

I too have been to Birmingham. The downtown looks as if it has already been bombed into oblivion.

Mike said...

I've never been to Birmingham, but I have been to Binghamton.

Not good.

Ray said...

I just got depressed Wikipedia-ing Birmingham. I can't imagine actually setting foot in city limits.

Unknown said...

So true about DC and Baltimore...

Unknown said...

Look, when I ate at LEgal Seafood it wasn't a ripoff. It was fairly cheap and I had the knack of keeping strangers from sitting close to me. Boston was ok back then..and so many sports teams..Celts and Boston Garden rocked..but I digress.

Other than that, the rest can go..fuck em.