Thursday, February 8, 2007

He's Len Pasquarelli and You're Not Part 1

Around this time every year my hopes begin to soar and every year they fall harder than an ex-Cowboy in detox. The fucking writers, they always suck me in to their Hall of LIES! False tales of Art Monk's potential enshrinement gets me every damn time and now I'm looking for some fuckin' answers. Who better to question than the Grand Poobah of the Loyal Order of Water Buffaloes selection committee, Len Pasquarelli.

UM: Len, I'd like to thank you for joining me today for some enlightened discourse.

LP: You may.

UM: Excuse me?

LP: You said you'd like to thank me. You have my permission to do so.

UM: Uh, thanks.

LP: Noted.

UM: Right. Let's get right to the heart of the issue. Why can't Art Monk get into the Hall of Fame?

LP: I'm sorry I stopped listening after "Ar-" and I just had a feeling where you were headed. I'm sick of hearing about that fucker from all of his pitiful fans.

UM: So were you always a douchebag or did this an adult-onset kind of thing?

LP: I've made a huge mistake.

UM: No seriously, you used to be one of the most respected football writers in the country. Then one day the douche factor began a rapid escalation. Did something terrible happen to you six years ago? Did Marv Albert bite you?

LP: You smug pricks are all the same, you know very well that six years ago I joined ESPN to make them the Worldwide Leader In Sports.

UM: That's right...So Sean Salisbury bit you?

LP: Nobody bit me you insolent bastard, nothing changed except for my place of business.

UM: So which part of ESPN's employment contract contains the Shithead Clause and how come Harold didn't have to abide?

LP: I cannot discuss the terms of my contract in this forum, you are not worthy of such knowledge. You're just a fan, you mean nothing to the game of football. I've won awards!

UM: Who hasn't? You know kind of look like Chief Wiggum when you're angry. Do you own a Proud Nubian Princess t-shirt?

LP: I think I'll be leaving now.

UM: Sorry Len, your nurse won't be back to pick you up for another hour. Looks like you're stuck with us.

Part 1 of 2

(thanks to and for some great insights--more on this in the conclusion)


A.J. said...

I once saw Don Vito, I mean Len, in NYC and asked him his thoughts on the upcoming New York Football Giants season...The only responce I got was a "Go Fuck Yourself," and a fuckin donkey punch on the top of my head...Ya but Don's a nice guy.

AdamAnt said...

I hate Ed Werder more than Len, because Ed and his 'stache apparently reside in Jery Jones's ass. Not that I'd want to live there but it'd be nice to visit

the dude said...

Glad you could find a picture of Chris Berman in his younger more cartoonish days.

Skin Patrol said...

I'm terrified of Len Pasquarelli. I feel like if I send him an email about how Art Monk deserves in the Hall of Fame he'll burn my house down and then piss on my mom's ashes. Later he'll make an irrational argument against Art Monk at the HoF just to spite me.

I think we should all just acknowledge that the Hall of Fame is just one of many forums for Len Pasquarelli's unending bitterness for the World. Might as well rename it the Hall of LP Says Fuck You, Slut.

HofC said...

Len's a candidate for a sack-of-oranges beating...either that or a curbing...

Steve said...

"Len's a candidate for a sack-of-oranges beating...either that or a curbing..."

I'm in on that!

His quasi-journalism douche-baggery knows no limits. He is constantly talking up mildly good or mildly shitty players for agents so he can get access to information about their star clients.

Jizzy McPoo said...

John McClain from the link to

"No matter what you think about [Michael Irvin] . . . the only thing we can consider is what happens between the white lines."

Michael Irvin? White lines? I'm probably just reading too much into the thing.

Len P. is a giant douche. I just felt sorry for him after the NFL screwed him over during that whole Bloody Monday/Thursday/Sunday thing he tried to hype for the WWL last year; what a jerk-off.

RatKing said...

Len is such a gay name, of course he's a Giant Douche.

Grimey said...

I liked when Mark Schlereth was talking about how Art Monk got snubbed by the Hall of Fame voters, and while comparing Monk and Michael Irvin, said, "Now this is not an indictment against Michael Irvin." And then Michael Irvin left the broadcast and hid in the trunk of his car for hours.

Craig said...

Illusions, Michael.