Sunday, February 4, 2007

The Super Bowl--It's Like the Super Bowl of Gambling

...and all the stars are laying their bets.

"When you put it on something happens"

Welcome to the Super Bowl edition of Always Be Covering. It's been one long fucking season and like my bff I've been grinding it out Joey Knish style. Well there's no time left to dick around; this weekend I plan to win enough money to cover the upcoming expense of my fantasy baseball team. That means I need to raise a few hundred bucks plus a season's worth of transaction fees (and I transact more than a Bristol coke dealer in the early 80' remember svelt Berman don't you?).

Every week I've been here offering guidance to the masses--don't thank me, it's a matter of noblesse oblige. Given my Kreskin-like ability to predict the outcome of NFL games you should feel entirely comfortable with your wagers. I'd post my record for the season but it's simply not necessary, this is a matter of trust. Besides, I'm way to lazy for all of that math and it's probably closer to the Washington's winning percentage than Chicago's (I'm a motherfuckin' expert!).

what to do
my wallet's gettin thin
and I just lost my watch last night
well I gotta problem
just one answer
gotta throw it all down
and kiss it goodbye

Since this is the final Sunday of the season (the Pro Bowl is far less satisfying than a good Deuce McAllister) I'm giving you winners for the point spread, two possible MVP winners, the first quarter, the over/under, and the coin flip.

Consider me the Blake to your Shelley.

Sex Cannon's +7 vs. Fetus Head's

All season long the dogs have been shitting on the favorites. The Colts just are very good but they aren't that great. There's no reason to give up a full touchdown to a team that's made to beat Indy. Case in point: the Jacksonville Jaguars. They aren't a great passing team but they beat the Colts so bad that the entire team started answering to the name Toby.

Potential Chicago MVP: Alex Brown

I fully expect Peyton Manning to shit himself at some point, Tarik can't protect his pasty ass forever.

Potential Indianapolis MVP: Jim Sorgi

See above.

OVER 48 Points

Both teams can put points on the board with their offenses. Then there's the absolute stone cold guarantee of defensive and/or special teams touchdowns. At the very least I expect to be thoroughly entertained--as opposed to almost every other time I watch CBS. Jim Nantz, a tradition like no other.

Chicago +.5 EVEN First Quarter

I'm not sure what everyone's thinking on this. Chicago can get off to a hot start just as easily as Indy and they have the benefit of the half point and a better payout (Indy is -.5 -130...that means it costs an extra $30 to win $100 dumbass).

Coin Flip Indy

Dungy prays harder.

We'll be around throughout tonights game, feel free to loiter.


Anonymous said...

Couldn't agree with you more on the spread. Alex Brown's a nice sleeper.

Mike said...

Bears 24 - Colts 13.

Bank on it. Urlacher wins MVP, on strength of his two INTs, including one brought back for a TD, narrowly edging out Thomas Jones.

Peyton wins dinner at Applebee's with Archie & snickering, passive-agressive comments-making Eli.

Christmas Ape said...

Bears 26, Colts 17

MVP: Liquor

evan said...

nice timing on the original post, gotta be productive at any time of the day, any state of the lung.

Bears win, mustaches become the new rage

Christmas Ape said...

Bears 26, Colts 17

MVP: Liquor

AdamAnt said...

31-21 Da Bears. Rextasy shatters at least 6 hips during the course of the game, and tells Jim Nantz off as he accepts the Lombardi. Berrian has two touches, Rex rushes for one. Hester gets a kick-off. Gould ends the half with FG. Michael Irvin gets caught with a kilo of blow, voiding his election to the HOF.

Keith said...

Game prediction:

I try to reference "Sex Cannon" and "Eff it, I'm Going Deep" seven times before halftime on a lager beer rampage, causing the SB party to stop. By this time the Bears will be up, 10-6. Blackout halftime. I wake up at 8 PM PST and some team has won and I've got a penis drawn on my forehead.

He Said She Said said...

We love your site. Keep blogging.

Here's our Super Bowl prediction:
BEARS 28, Colts 17

-He Said, She Said

Ian said...

Reverse 420 +7 Regular 420. Take the points!

Signal to Noise said...

I always go the other way when just about every established commentator not in Chicago is taking the Colts.

Bears, 24-20. Hester runs one back for a TD and nabs MVP.

I'm not sure the vaginas of America are ready for a Super Bowl Champion Sex Cannon.

Trader Rick said...

Nice picks. I'm big on fetus head -60.5 yeards passing at -120 too.

Sam said...

no way Hester brings one back, but the Bears still win 31-27. Bears up 7 to start the 4th, Peyton leads a long drive for a FG, Rextacy runs out the clock with a long drive because the Colts run defense will fail them again.
Cedric Benson scores 2 TD's and is the MVP

MCPO Airdale said...

Bears 13-6

Peyton weeps after throw two INTs.

Winner: Yuengling Lager and hot wings.

Larry Bird Flu said...

Bears 19-17; the rain will slow down the dome-familiar Colts while Ced Benson runs Bob Sanders over and back to the injury report.

Over/under on mini hot dogs I will consume is 22.

The line about Toby was fucking brilliant....nice job.

Larry Bird Flu said...

Also, now that I've learned that "Norbit" is sponsoring CBS's pregame, the over/under on the number of times I'll curse Eddie Murphy, refer to him as a tranny-lover, repeat lines from "Raw," and mention how far he's fallen and how embarrassing he is despite Dreamgirls: 75

Walklett said...


Bears +13
Under 54 (it's raining)

It's a lock.

doug_plank said...

Bears 34
Dolts 24

I will now start the one of many Guiness drafts that are at hand.

MVP- Benard Barrian, just beating out Ditka.

Merril Hoge said this morning on ESPN that a rainy game would be a push and not favor one team.

Keep the helmet on Aikman Jr.

FenwayFaithful78 said...

Oh, the vagina's of the WORLD are ready for Rextacy. He's going global my friends.

Buenas Noches Senor Sex Canon! Tengas cajones muy grande!

my WV for today? bedzoizi...I believe that's one of Rexy's moves in the sack- so I've heard.

Mike Terrill said...

Nice O.A.R. reference, UM.

WV: gomfzirz - What the Sex Cannon is doing for a consolation prize.