Thursday, February 8, 2007

He's Len Pasquarelli and You're Not Part 2

UM: Right. Let's get right to the heart of the issue. Why can't Art Monk get into the Hall of Fame?

LP: He never even made a signature catch! Was the guy even in a SportsCenter Top Ten plays of the day?

UM: It just seems as if you've changed your tune over the years. Back in the 90's you wrote each of the following statements.

Ellard is 21 yards shy of supplanting Art Monk, who certainly will be in the Hall of Fame, for fourth place in receiving yards.

...future Hall of Famers like Art Monk, Jerry Rice and Sterling Sharpe

New York Jets WR Ryan Yarborough: He’s a guy who had six catches in his debut season being projected to replace future Hall of Famer Art Monk.

So exactly what has changed since Monk's retirement?

LP: How dare you question me, I'm the Eliot Fucking Ness of Canton, Ohio!

UM: Well you both take an inordinate pleasure in depriving the public of something they demand.

LP: You're goddamn right about that.

UM: So will you be voting for Darrell Green next year?

LP: He never made a signature interception!

UM: If I dropped you off of the Cathedral of Learning would you bounce?

LP: You piece of shit Redskin fan.

UM: OK that's it. What the fuck is it with you ESPN guys and your almost constant Redskin bashing? They're just a team like any other I don't see why you are so roundly critical of the entire franchise. It's clear that you used to be 100% in favor of Monk's candidacy for enshrinement and now you've become one of his most prominent detractors. Now tell me, why the fuck do you hate the Redskins?

LP: Because Vinny Cerrato violated Omerta!

UM: Excuse me?

LP: That rat bastard sold me out for his shyster of a benefactor! He was supposed to give me the exclusive but he fucked me! That's why I hate the Redskins alright, that turncoat motherfucker screwed me over and he must pay!

UM: Holy shit... I can't believe you finally admitted it. I mean we always knew but I never thought you'd just blurt it out like that. It must feel good to get that off of your chest after all this time.

LP: Uh oh. That was off the record, don't write that down!

UM: Sorry Len, it's all out there now.

LP: You must be some sort of insane genius.

UM: No Len, I'm just a blogger.

LP: Screw you, this is Drew's schtick anyways.

UM: Your nurse is here.

For more on Len Pasquarelli's penchant for douchebaggery be sure to check out these two indispensable resources.

ExtremeSkins' Art confronts Len in the press box
The story was quite an inspiration

The Art Monk Hall of Fame Campaign
They've compiled the the thoughts of almost every voter, especially Mr. P.


Mike said...

Well, you've now forced Len straight into the Witness Protection Program, UM. So who does he pretend to be in his new life? Len's particular combination of beady-eyed, combed-over, double-chinned fat fuckness is pretty unique.

This could be a challenge.

Otto Man said...

So who does he pretend to be in his new life?

Pizza the Hutt?

Trendkiller said...

How does that violate omerta?

regardless, Len is a cocksucker. So are Vinnie Cerrato and Dan Snyder, but I dont think they deny that fact.

A.J. said...

perhaps a tree-hugging twat waffler

jackin'4beats said...

UM: You tend to write quality stuff no matter what Clint has to say, but can you PLLLEEEEAAAAASSSE stop screwing up the font size on every post. You are killing me.

Anyway, seems like the writers have a personal vendetta against Art Monk and the Deadskins. Although I'm not a fan it would be nice to see him get into the HOF.

Maybe you need to catch Len with a congressional page or with some underage kids that aren't his and blackmail him into compliance. You won't get caught, right?

Steve said...

I was physically ill when I heard Irvin got into the HOF and not Monk. ugh...the horror...the horror....

Mike said...

He may be able to pull off a decent Lee Raymond. He's got the double chin.

Unsilent Majority said...

sorry about that. it's fixed.

Dat RoRo Kid said...

Dude, in case you didn't realize it, let me break it down for you:

Nobody gives two shits about the Redskins OR Art Monk. Like, it's not even remotely in the general vicinity of anyone giving a shit. So, don't see how anyone would 'bash' them or hate on them or anything like that. People just don't give a rat's red ass.

ya dig? cool.

enjoyable post, either way.

Tranny McHardpenis said...

But you know who is Lenny Pas? Don Vito.

Seriously Len, groping underage girls? I'm appalled. And incredulous. Or the opposite.

ATL_eagle said...

I am not a Redskins fan, but it is a crime that the JJ Cowboys and 90s Bills will get more guys in the Hall than the Gibbs-era Skins. Green is a lock, but with Riggins that makes 2. Monk is a lost cause, but Jacoby, Lachey and Grimm should all be in.

jackin'4beats said...

Nick Lachey played foozball?

Walklett said...

Maybe if Monk snorted more coke he'd be a lock for the hall.

I'm not a skins fan, but "The Posse" was one of the best receiver trios in recent history.

Cameltrooper said...

How can teams like the lions & cards of the 70s have more hall of famers than gibb's 3 superbowl champs?

Art was the most productive receiver of the 80s who despite what Dr Z thinks did go deep when called upon. He didnt drop all those passes like Gary Clark would in Giants stadium.

Russ Grimm and Joe Jacoby deserve a HoF nod as well for anchoring the most famous o-line in history and the most dominant one of the 80s. But unfortunately writers like Z and Pastabelly, who have a clear cut vendetta against the skins will keep this from ever passing.

Vee said...

OK Len, but what are your thoughts on Todd Stinkston?

Basshole said...

Big Jim, have you gone over the middle against an NFL secondary?

JT said...

As for the Monk Irvin debate -- I'm a long time Eagles fan and I never feared Monk. Not at all. When Gary Clark was around he was clearly the better receiver. Monk had exactly one good season without Clark, who had more yards and TDs than Monk when they played together.

Irvin, on the other hand, lets just say the Philly fan's weren't just cheering when the thought he died because of his sloppy off-the-field antics.

Not saying Monk doesn't deserve the hall, he might. But Irvin was a much, much better player. And so was Gary Clark. To my eyes at least.

Unsilent Majority said...

Irvin has nothing to do with this post. Monk's been eligible for 7 years. I agree that Irvin should be in but that has nothing to do with Monk.

Anonymous said...

20 Years ago nobody thought a black man could coach a team to the Super Bowl

45 Years ago the Redskins didn't think a black man could play football.

MDG said...

Henry Fucking Ellard! HAAAAAAAAA!

Bouj said...

Please put Monk in the HOF so Redskins fans will stop fucking whining about it.

Anonymous said...

You think the sports media specififcally hates the Redskins UM? I scoff at that notion. In reality, Lenny P. and the sports media only care about the Cowboys, Giants, Patriots, Colts and Steelers. And if you're not Fiona Apple, then they don't give a rat's ass.

Hey, look at my team. When the fuck is Dave Kreig and Curt (the black one) Warner gonna get into the hall? We're in the same boat here.

Captain Caveman said...

I'm a Seahawks fan and Dave Krieg doesn't belong anywhere near the Hall. Not with those midget hands of his.

Larry Bird Flu said...

Zorn, maybe. Krieg, no.

Sorry if I've mentioned this before, but people forget that Monk caught passes from about half dozen mediocre QBs in his career, and never had a bad season. Irvin had Aikman, Stallworth had Bradshaw, etc. I think this point is being overlooked.

Cate Morrison said...

hey now. treat LP as you like, but keep the cathedral of learning out of it. it never did anything to you.