This Week’s KSK Commenter Mock Draft: Fantasy Football 2007

Yep, that’s right. An actual discussion of football right on this here site. Never thought you’d see the day, did you?

The best part of fantasy football is how it helps get us, the football-bereft citizens, through the horrors of late June to August. You’d be surprised how much time you can eat up convincing yourself Wes Welker will be a great sleeper pick. And so, let us get the ball rolling with a rough draft. No stat sheets in front of you. No refreshing your memory of last season. No checking bye weeks. This one’s all gut. Consider it a fundamentals drill.

The rules: Let us assume this is a nonkeeper league. You start 1 QB, 2 RB, 2 WR, 1 RB/WR, 1 TE, 1 K, and 1 D, with 5 bench spots. 13 players total. No points for receptions.

1pt. = 10 yds run/rec or 25 yds passing
4pts. = passing TD
6pts. = run/rec TD, Defense/ST TD
-2pts. = fumble or INT
3pts. = FG
5pts. = FG 50+
1pt. = extra point or sack

PICK 1 PLAYER ONLY, THEN WAIT 12 PICKS UNTIL YOU MAKE ANOTHER SELECTION.

Oh, and I’ll be taking LT2 now. Suckers. He’s fun because he makes the Seahawks look dumb!

Have at it.

Koolaid Maroney Wants U To Wash U Ass

This comes from reader Sharkey, who just made my weekend. This needs no embellishment.

Life at the University of Minnesota, rooting for the shithole that is the Gopher football program, is tough. We need to latch on to any success we may have. Enter: Laurence Koolaid Maroney.

That’s his name on Facebook, at least; his entry on the site is golden. Some of my favorites (besides the name, which just makes me thirsty) are found in his Favorite Quotes, including:

-“wash u ass”
-“bout time we got some construda in dis mothafucka”
-“u begul shitting”

And, of couse,
-“Your ass backwards if you chase hoes, chase the cheese they come with the shit.”

Koolaid=American Hero. The pictures posted win the day, however. Attached are a few of the better ones; Gopher pride, muthafuckas!

The bar just been raised.

Of Kenny Irons And Portable Midgets For Human Trafficking

And suddenly, Kenny Irons of the Bengals is our favorite player. Reader Joel W. explains:

A few weeks ago I was working check-in at LAX airport for the rookie conference held in LA. JaMarcus Russell never said a word, Dwayne Jarrett dissed Keyshawn, and Bengals running back Kenny Irons brought more luggage than I've ever seen in my life. I asked him what was in the luggage, an innocent question, which prompted Kenny to hoist the luggage and proudly proclaim,

"I got a midget in here to suck my dick."

Long live the Bengals!

Yes, but did he pack his bags, or did someone pack them for him? You never know how a dwarf prostitute will get into your Samsonite. I know a similar problem plagues Pedro Martinez on road trips.

On a side note, the contest entries from you readers have been absolutely stellar of late (except for you, LadyAndrea). So much so that we will be creating a second nonkeeper league for the runners up. I need two leagues anyhow. So thank you for doing a complete 180 and giving us some fun tips during the summer doldrums. It’s user-generated content! Like Al Gore’s Current network, only with midgets sucking your dick!

Or Was It... MURDER?!!!!!!!

This clip is 5 seconds long. I dare you not to watch it 40 times in a row.

Credit to flubby, who always finds the best shit.

Ben Roethlisberger Plowed Through Sororities; Kyle Orton Is a Jerk; Jeff Wimer Was Sexually Molested as a Child?

As the search for the 14th member of the KSK fantasy league continues, I'd like to take a moment to post some excellent submissions from readers. They're short, NFL-related, not a link to a blog post, and make no mention of the applicant's fantasy league playoff history.

First off, this fun story about Ben Roethlisberger from our new friend Ken Dynamo (edited slightly for spelling and clarity, because most of our readers are only semi-literate, which is totally fine with us).

Big Ben at the Grammys in 2006. Overdressed as usual.

My friend is in Vegas by the craps table when he runs into Ben Roethlisberger, a few other Steelers, and their entourage. (This is after Roethlisberger's rookie year before the motorcycle accident, so he's still being treated like the man.) My friend is completely shitfaced and stays to watch Roesthlisberger throw dice. Everybody is cheering Ben on like it's the Super Bowl until he craps out, at which point the table goes silent. My drunk friend then interjects "Roethlisberger? More like... CRAPSlisberger!"

The silence continues until Roethlisberger finally says, "You know what man, people have been kissing my ass all night, and I did crap out. Let's get a drink." So my friend stays and raps with Roethlisberger for a few drinks, and the conversation turns to, as you would assume, stuffing sorority chicks at Miami, Ohio. Roethlisberger claimed that he would pick a sorority and then try to plow every single member. My friend then asked, "Even the fat ones?" To which Roethlisberger replied, "Well, that's part of the challenge." "It's a matter of principle."

I can't attest to the veracity of the story, but I want it to be true, which is good enough for me.

Next up, a Kyle Orton Story that DOESN'T have drunk photos to go with it, courtesy of Chicagoland reader Mike:

Back in 2005, I happened to stop at a Dick's Sporting Goods when Kyle Fucking Orton was doing an autograph signing. I actually waited in line for over an hour to get his autograph because my dad is his #1 fan and I am mildly retarded. When I was up, I had no idea if I was supposed to say thanks or whatever, so I told him he had an awesome neck beard (he does). To this he replied "blow me shithead" and I was escorted out of the store. Three days later, he got his ass handed to him by the Steelers and began his downward spiral into obscurity. All me.

Guy in the Middle: "Blow me, shithead."

Excellent work, Mike. But c'mon -- give Jack Daniel's a little bit of credit.

Finally, we got this email from a reader I'll only call "Jeff W." No, that's too obvious -- make it "J. Wimer".

go fuck yourselves, that's my application. and btw, not one of you idiots could get laid in a womens prison with a fist full of pardons, no wonder you post drag queen pics.

Thanks for your input, Jeff! Of course we wouldn't get laid in a women's prison -- we're the Gay Mafia. Anyway, that's not quite what we're looking for, but we wish you well in your own fantasy league, where we're sure you're very well-liked.

Oh, and one final note on the juicy NFL player stories: people, we shouldn't have to hold an idiotic contest to get these kinds of tips. We ALWAYS want to hear about your experiences with NFL players. Especially if it's gay sex!

"Mr. Class" Larry Johnson uses what's left of Earl Campbell as justification for hold out

Getdafuck outta Earl's way.

Larry Johnson tells Whitlock that he may hold out of training camp (or further) if he doesn't get a new contract. We feel ya, LJ: man's got to take care of business. But then he has to drag Earl Campbell's name into the mess.

[L]ook at Earl Campbell. He’s not complaining, but he can barely walk. He’s sitting in wheelchairs. He can’t sit at banquets for a long amount of time before he has to leave. It’s sad to have to watch him go through what he has to go through. You look at me; I don’t want to be like that. But I may end up like him.

If by "like" Earl Campbell, LJ means "in the hall of fame," there's not much chance of that happening. In the meantime, if, as they say, Johnson wants Peyton money he better hope the Chiefs have forgotten all about a guy named Priest Holmes.

[Note: also, we are geeked at the prospect of more Big Sexy on Foxsports.com.]

Berating You Contest Entrants So That Ufford Doesn’t Have To

I love you folks, the fine readers of this here site. I really do. But sometimes you people make me so mad I want to have Robert Blake shoot you and then cover it up.

The keeper league contest entires have come in. Some have been lovely (Thanks, Sarah!), but most have been putrid. It’s almost lamer than the fucking Hot Blogger contest. I was going to do your family a favor and install the Disney Channel for free. Well, forget it. Some quick correctives.

-DO NOT send us your fucking whole personal fantasy football history. We don’t fucking care.

-DO NOT send us blog entries you already wrote. Only WE get to recycle our old shit. I ain’t clicking thru to SHIT.

-DO NOT send us pictures of your truck. It’s a truck. I don’t fucking care about trucks. Send your truck photo to Bob fucking Seger.

-DO NOT send us entries over 250 words. The whole point of this blog is to avoid ACTUAL reading. Your endless manifestos are useless against us. I won’t even read the topic sentence. You did include a topic sentence, DIDN’T YOU?!

-DO NOT send us photos of yourself in drag if you can’t pull it off.

-DO NOT send us your shitty MS Paint jobs. It only reminds us of our own artistic shortcomings.

-DO NOT preliminarily declare yourself the winner when you submit your entry. You aren’t as awesome as you think, dickface.

Now, I’m always one for positive reinforcement. That’s why the lovely Lucy Pinder graces the top of this post. Some suggestions:

-DO send us embarrassing stories about NFL players, writers, and broadcasters. I don’t even care if they’re true. We haven’t had a decent tip since Rex Grossman got plastered before the Super Bowl. Or did he?

-DO send us anything that embarrasses Chris Berman or Bill Simmons.

-DO send us a photo of Grosssman in a Sex Cannon shirt. (Pull this off for real and you’re the instant winner)

-DO find creative ways to incorporate KSK thinking into the outside world, with photographic proof of such shenanigans. You can create so many different messages with a chain link fence over a highway and 1,000 tennis balls. If you didn’t even have to leave your office chair to create your entry, then you fucking failed.

-DO send t-shirt designs that improve on our god-awful work.

-DO make fun of Ufford.

-DO send great photoshops involving Vick, Tank, Pacman and the like.

-DO make yourself useful. Don’t make us thrash you.

You have until June 30th. kissingsuzykolber@gmail.com. Razzle dazzle us, people.

UPDATE: And DON'T send us porn. You almost got Ape fired. And no one likes an angry Ape.

...and you thought MNF sucked last year

Surely you remember when ESPN first introduced their "B Team" for the Monday Night Football broadcast last season. Let me refresh your memory, they were the ones that didn't suck enormous rhinoceros cock. Seeing as how Ron Jaworkski, the star of that talented less shitty broadcast, has been tapped to replace The Theez ESPN had to assemble a new crew to broadcast the back end of the Week 1 doubleheader. Well Norby the Mixed-Up Television Executive has made his choice--and it isn't pretty...

Two of these men are heading for the broadcast booth, the other two have to get back to the bathhouse.

Yeah, because who among us wasn't getting enough Mike & Mike in our lives? But wait! There's more!

ESPN is set to unveil a second Monday Night Football announcing team today: play-by-play Mike Greenberg, analysts Mike Golic and Mike Ditka and sideline reporter Bonnie Bernstein.

How can you not respect this guy?!?!

Oh fuck you Norby! What did we ever do to deserve this crap. It's bad enough when these three get together on the radio, do we really need them in a booth? One's a jewy metrosexual, one's a fat meathead, and the other one is a possibly senile psychopath who's never put together a complete sentence of logical analysis. Apparently this is the future of ESPN broadcasting; that sound you heard was Awful Announcing swallowing his glock.

The guys are obviously thrilled with the news (even that delusional fucktard Golic who probably still thinks he should have gotten the main job last year) and they've already commented on the new gig.

Golic, the former NFL defensive tackle, says MNF is the "Valhalla job" of sportscasting. When asked about rising to that assignment, he says: "Who would say no? If given the opportunity I'd love to do it. But they have an excellent crew there now."

Oh that it were the "Valhalla job." At least then Golic would be dead, and that would be heavenly for all of us.

Golic says Kornheiser is "a tough bird to figure out." But Greenberg, who has supported Kornheiser on air as a fellow non-athlete in an industry dominated by ex-jocks, expects him to be in the booth for many years.

Wow Golic, you can practically smell the envy on your breath. Envy and ham.

"I want Tony to do that job as long as he wants to do it. Then when he retires, I want them to give it to me," says Greenberg, who'll milk a cow live on air Thursday morning after losing his annual bet to Golic on the NCAA basketball tournament.

I got nothin'. That second sentence tells you everything you need to know about this debacle. Just thank God that it's only one shitty game and not an entire shitty season...for now.


ESPN tabs Greenberg, Golic to head second MNF team

When it's this slow, it's probably not a good idea to send us a picture of yourself in drag

Submissions continue to roll in from hopeful KSK readers wanting to take the final spot in our super-stud fantasy football league. Most of the applications have been entertaining, a few have been wildly perplexing and some, well, some are just plain terrifying. See for yourself...

"Thats right, Not only am I man enough to kick your ass' at
pretend football, Im prettier then your wives."

We certainly admire this guy's, um.... anyway dude, thanks for reading. Remember, regardless of your choice of lifestyle, you have until June 30 to tell us why we should pick you.

Thanks for entertaining US for a change, you lazy fucking slackers.

Sushi For Badasses

Contrary to all the cheap British jokes listed directly below, I'm actually quite fond of England. It's the country where I lost my cherry, which it makes it a far more meaningful nation to me than the United States. I also enjoy British beer, kebabs at 4AM, televised lawn bowling, saying "cheers" instead of "thanks", chicken curry sandwiches from Morton's, scotch, the Astoria, bubbly British girls with hot accents and large breasts, "About a Boy", Oasis and so much more. Plus, everyone there drinks. It's a great country all around. It's why I drafted it! I'll be claiming it for my own shortly.

So, to salute the glory of Great Britain, here's a video of Official KSK Badass and Man I'm Slightly Gay For Bear Grylls sinking his teeth into a live trout. Seriously, this guy is fucking awesome. I'm gonna steal his identity. All I need is his social security number and a rubber girdle. I can make it happen, people.