Prognosticating With Plaxico

Easily the worst part of the Super Bowl is the ceaseless stream of predictions that flood the airwaves and clog the intertubes. Everybody has an opinion this time of year, whether they are a professed expert or some guy in your office who's breadth of knowledge comes from what they heard on the easy listening station. Nobody really cares about these predictions, but we recognize everyone's right to offer up an entirely subjective final score. Well now the players themselves are joining in on the fun.

And then, as he entered the stadium and turned left toward the Giants locker room, Burress was asked for his prediction. Burress never hesitated, flatly stating "23-17."

So there you have it, Giants win!

With that issue settled we sat down with Plaxico to hear some of his other insightful predictions. We'll let him tell you what he thinks...

I like Dukakis by ten electoral votes.

The Grenadines will hold their ground.

Disco is here to stay!

There's an Oscar in Tom Green's future.

Roe v. Wade? It's Wade all day, baby!

We'll be in and out of Baghdad in no time.

TBL will earn a Pulitzer for his interviewing skills.

Asbestos is the building block of our future.

Hitch your wagon to Marcy Playground's rising star!

People will be talking about Brad Renfro's death for years to come.

Google's stock isn't going anywhere.

NWA will be together forever.

Can't go wrong with sub-prime mortgages.

Newspapers are a never-ending growth industry.

Bhutto wins in a landslide.

Fred Thompson has that Republican nomination locked up.

Prop Joe will bring order to the drug trade, you'll see.

You'll never hear a word about Leitch's book.

Reggie Nelson will be impressed by this post.

The Maj's television debut will go off without a hitch.

Jerramy Stevens really just needs another chance.

George Foreman will get his belt back.

Dan Snyder will figure it all out.

Drew will be very agreeable about Super Bowl party plans.

Did you see Britney shaved her head? She really can't sink any lower, huh?

That Amy Winehouse is gonna pull it together one day.

The Great Bambi won't comment on this thread.

Also, Patriots 31-21, just to be safe.

Thanks Plax!

Pole Position with Ronnie Jaws

Once again, the smoke has cleared, and two teams are set to square off in the culmination of a hard-fought season. And you know what that means: we're only days away from another exciting year of Arena Football.

Why my network refuses to give this league year-round coverage will remain one of life's great mysteries, along with creationism and why Japanese girls on subways never fight back.

By now you've noticed that Tom Brady was wearing a protective boot last week to protect the right ankle he injured during the AFC Championship. An injury to the plant leg can be absolutely devestating to a player not only at the quarterback position, but also the suspended congress position and the doggy-style position.

I've studied film on Brady and have noticed that such an injury can hurt the timing of his release point, and will limit his control of any significant output. There's a good chance things will blow up in his face if he's not careful. He'll have to warm up extensively, but once the lights go on and gets that first shot out of the way, he can settle into a rhythm and distribute like a 19-year-old guard in a maximum-security juvy girls' penitentiary.

Ben Roethlisberger's comments about wanting the Steelers to find a tall wide receiver are a cruel reminder that SIZE DOES MATTER in the National Football League. Hines Ward could not have been pleased to hear the dissatisfaction of his quarterback, but this is the NFL, not Seoul House Restaurant on James Swart Circle, and Ward has to do more than regulary refill empty water glasses and memorize menu items by their coded letter-number combination. He's gotta perform in the red zone and bring that fortune cookie to his quarterback's table, or else it's ahn nyung hee ke se yo for this not young slant-eyed homo.

If there's one thing more homosexual than my choice of eyewear, it's baseball season. ESPN's own Pedro Gomez is gearing up for another year of covering the sport for the worldwide leader. I've been visiting Mr. Gomez on occasion, and I have yet to see him breaking down game film or studying the tendencies of the so-called athletes that he allegedly covers. This is conclusive evidence that Pedro Gomez is an illegal alien and must be deported immediately.

I've set up a makeshift 13-camera closed-circuit television system around his home, office, and La Bamba's. I'll be studying his tendencies, day after day, night after night, until I can find just the right opening to deliver a 25-yard toss of justice to my associates at The United States Immigration and Naturalization Service.

If Dana Jacobson needs a stripper pole for her Super Bowl party, maybe she should try this Pole. Heh. See? That's funny because I'm Polish... Eh. Okay. I guess ethnic humor doesn't work these days.

I Believe The Patriots Will Avail Because They Masturbate The Ball Down The Feel So Affectionately

When I was asked to renumerate over my Super Bowl pick, I really had to contemporate what the differences between these teams are. And let me tell you, the differences between these teams are manifest! Now, the Giants have played atrophyingly well in the postseason. They’ve built up some serious mentholatum. I also like how they use Brandon Jacobs and Ahmad Bradshaw in a pontoon system. But, with Eli Manning throwing the ball so good, it makes the team so much more two-directional.

I also like the bounce the Giants have established defensively. With the front four racking hammock up front, that gives defensive corroborator Steve Spaghetti the agility to mix his coven of witches in the secretary. They’re very flaxseed oil like that.

BUT… I cannot ignore how well these Patriots can masturbate the ball down the feel. THEY DO IT SO AFFECTIONATELY! With Laurence Macaroni in the backfeel, and Kevin Faulk catching those outlet malls, they can really masturbate it up and down the feel. They can run outside the hash pipes, or pound it right up the butt. That’s the reason I think they will avail down in Felix on Sunday.

And that’s just the running backs! The Patriots don’t have to intimate you up front in order to win. They can also play with great fitness as well. When you have a Randy Moss, and a Wes Welker, and a Donte Stallworth, you’re going to be able to extort those backup players in the secretary. And the Giants have injuries! Let me tell you, they are like a rash unit over there! I do not think some of their backup players will be able to rehabitate in time for this matchup, and that’s going to prove paranoid in this battle of tits between Coughlin and Belichick.

But I hope I’m wrong! I hope this is a close, tight conflagration. If the Giants can stay in close peroxide to the Patriots’ score in the 4th quarter, I think they will have a very good chance to you slurp that title away. But it won’t be easy! This is going to be very, very compensated for the Giants.

But I’m looking forward to it. I’ve won a Super Bowl title, and it’s an amazing feeling. It’s the pinocchio of sport.

You Must Be Another Handsome Boy Graduate

Photog: Yes. YES. That's it. Show it to me. Give me ze claws. You're a TIGAH.

[snaps pictures]

Lunge at me, Tigah! Play with my innards! Toss them about like confetti and roll around in zem! Strut confidently in your nature preserve. You're a savage beast incapable of remorse or spleeet ends. Make me lust for your senseless need to kill.

[snaps pictures]

Okay we're done. [Waves hand] Be gone.

Where is my three o'clock? Michele demands to know.

[Door flies open, rose petals scatter forth while celestial music plays]

Tom Brady: You would be well advised to make an inquiryyyyyyyyy

Hey everybody. I hope my tardiness didn't put you off your schedule. Did I? Really? Huh? Gee, I'm sorry.

Just flying in from Monte Carlo. It's a lovely town but it wears on you after the first few dozen visits. They have these weird, magic elves there that healed my ankle in almost no time at all, freeing me up to engage in a 12-way with these crazy Persian princesses and then I got a mud bath. Good as new! [Carefree whistling]

[Finds a $100 bill in pocket]

Hey, whaddayaknow?

Photog: Zo we are ready to begin, yes?

Brady: Yeah. Great. Let's do it.

Photog: Yes! Yes! Preheat my face to a million degrees and make it melt, fancy man. Don't give me fey! Give me coy! No, that's arch!

Yes! Better.


[Theme to "Greatest American Hero" ringtone goes off]

Brady: Hold on. [Answers] Hello? Oh, hey, Randy. Yeah, would love to hang out, but I'm in the middle of something. You wanted to eat where? Can we push it back to seven? Yeah, sure, Wes and Asante can come, too. The more the merrier. Uh-huh. Okay, cool. Yeah, see you then. [Turns off phone]

Heh. Teammates. Love those guys.

Now where were we?

Photog: Yes! Tussle the hair. Give me about 30 percent more nonchalance. Raffish up zat smile.

Photog: Zokay. More smoldering. More! No, that merely scalds me! I need ze white hot! Sizzling may work on zhose bobby sockers but the camera zees your lies! I want heat spots to develop on the film!

Photog: There. You have done it. My camera has literally been engulfed in flame. Another stroke of genius by Michele. Go now, mindless meathunk.

Brady: We're all done? Awesome. Thanks.

[Eats Wonka bar, finds golden ticket]

Hey, all right!

KSK Celebrity Pickkake: Gilbert Gottfried

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Study Finds Patriots Fans More Douchey and More Credulous of Pointless Studies Than Giants Fans

As many regulars of the site are well aware, when Patriots fans feel slighted, they are wont to unleash a flurry of statistics and shoddily reasoned arguments in the comments section to prove that they are, in fact, only 87 percent as racist as we claim they are.

Now it seems Pats fans are getting out in front of us by boasting about research that, at least this dippy Boston Herald writer says, proves Pats fans are "smarter, classier and healthier and own pricier homes than the riff-raff who root for the New York Giants."

Let us now cast a discerning eye on the results:

Some 62 percent of Pats fans living in the Boston area earned a bachelor’s or postgraduate degree or have some higher-education experience, compared to 59 percent of Giants fans.

Beyond failing to state whether that three percent difference falls within the margin of error, there seems to be some flawed methodology here. Fans in the Boston area? Aren't they the NEW ENGLAND Patriots? Seems as though you're culling from a pretty select sample of one fanbase and not the other.

Likewise, 72 percent of Pats fans live in homes worth north of $200,000, compared to 63 percent of Giants yahoos.

"Look how much aaah propahtee vaahyoos go aaahp once we chase aaat all tha daaaawkies!"

Pats fans consistently show better taste than their Gotham counterparts. We drink Amstel Light, not Bud Light. Giants fans slug back lots of whiskey.

This is something to be proud of? Drinking Amstel Light in lieu of whiskey? Not sure who the arbiters of taste are here, but Ufford's rifle would like to have like to have a quick word with you.

We are likely to read connoisseur magazines like Wine Spectator. Gotham fans like to pig out on junk food like pretzels, chips and nuts. They’re also less likely to favor organic food than other New Yorkers.

Reading Wine Spectator is fine and dandy, I suppose. I enjoy me some vino every now and then (Read: drinking it now, will be drinking it then) but I don't really bother to read up on it. If that's your hobby, that's cool. But bragging about reading Wine Spectator? Those are pretty rarefied heights of doucheiness with subtle notes of smoky asshattery. Also, I'm pretty sure every NFL fanbase is less likely to prefer organic food than the other residents of the surrounding area.

When Pats revelers aren’t watching football, they’re hitting the slopes skiing or going for a sail. They’re also more likely to belong to country clubs. When Giants fans aren’t booing Giants coach Tom Coughlin or punk quarterback Eli Manning in that New Jersey stadium they call home, they’re out practicing their tennis backhands in the backyard.

Belong to exclusionist country clubs, do you Pats fans? Shocker. And, to be fair, Giants fans practice their backhands on their wives in the backyard.

It’s also worth noting that the Patriots are an equal opportunity franchise, drawing more female fans than the competition. Nearly half of all Pats backers - about 43 percent - are women. In Giants country, just 31 percent of the fans are female.

The Patriots are actually done a disservice with this one. 100 percent of their fans have a vagina. That only 43 percent identify themselves as strictly female is a touch unclear.

There you go, Pats fans. Get your charts ready.

Thanks to miamidiesel for the tip.

O Brother, There Art Thou

[Theme to Naruto ringtone]

Eli: Hello?

Peyton: 'Sup Dong Wong DeMarco.

Eli: What do you want, suckbutt? I'm trying to watch old episodes of Goof Troop.

Peyton: Heard the news? I'm coming to watch my lil' brudda play in the big game. Need a quick pep talk? A cell phone plan? A credit card? Flood insurance? Tasteful decor for your living room?

Eli: What? I told you to stay away, Pey-Pey. You know how I play when you're around.

Peyton: Can't just let you tie the Manning Family Record for Super Bowl titles that easy. Gotta pay your dues. I had to wait a bit longer for mine.

Eli: You're just gonna let Brady win? Is that it?

Peyton: That asshole already has more rings than I'll ever get. What's one more?

Eli: I'm gonna tell dad! He'll set you straight, like that year he made you sleep under the sink when you put the milk back in the fridge with only half a sip left.

Peyton: Tell him all you want. He'll be right next to me in a big Oreo costume. We'll be walking up and down the aisles selling programs and beer. We move product, youngin'. That's grown man business.

Then we're gonna pass out masks of my face to Patriots fans at six bucks a pop. Ruin Romo had a good ring to it, so this'll be Make Eli Cry. A whole stadium of Peyton faces staring you down. It'll be like that scene in Being John Malkovich where everybody is Malkovich.

Eli: You know I don't watch grown-up movies!

This isn't fair! I want my ring like Peyton has! He won't share his!MMMMOOOOOOMM!!!!

Props Aren't Just For Hackish Comedians

Welcome to a special Super Bowl Bye Week edition of Always Be Covering. Since we can't bet on any games this week, we might as well take an early look at the all-important Super Bowl props.

Did you know that it's illegal in New Jersey to serve a burger at any temperature south of medium? GAY! Give me rare or give me death, I always say.


Coin toss: Tails -105 vs. Heads

Fifty percent of the time, it works every time. This is quite possibly the best bet of the week.


Coin toss winner: New York -105 vs. New England -105

In the five Super Bowls won by New England and New York the eventual winner was the team that lost the coin toss. It's science, people!


Team with longest kick return: New York -155 vs. New England +125

Is Domenik Hixon fast?
Yes.
Could his parents spell retard?
Only if you spot them the "retar-"
Does any of this matter?
Just the first part.


Team to score first: New York +160 vs. New England -200

Sure, why the fuck not. I'm going to go ahead and call it as a 32 yard field goal by Lawrence Tynes.

The bonus to the above bets is that you could potentially lock all of them up within the game's first possession, leaving you with a large sum of money to bet on the remainder of the game. Plus it's a way to bet on the Giants without actually betting on the Giants!


Big Payday of the Week

Super Bowl MVP: Asante Samuel 15:1

Brady is the obvious favorite, but his payout doesn't really make it worth the investment. Moss and WelKAH! may tempt some at 4:1 and 5:1 respectively, but imagine what they'd have to do to wrest the award away from the Dreamboat. That's why I'm going to the defensive side. Well, that and Elisha of course. Sure, the mealy-mouthed little brother has been pretty fucking impressive in recent weeks, but I think we all know that he's going to crack under the pressure like a wayward Mormon in Vegas.


Special Non-Football Pick of the Week

Australian Open Women's Final: Ana Ivanovic vs. Maria Sharapova...

The Winner: Your Throbbing Erection!

Have a restful weekend, apparently there's something big on the horizon. Now I'm going to go erase the image of our readership's collective phallus with heavy doses of grain alcohol.


P.S. I think I just spoiled next week's pick.

P.P.S. Buy a fucking t-shirt, Punter worked hard on ass kicking logo!

THE ORIGINAL KSK TEE ('Bout Damn Time)

Sorry that we've been here for, shit, 18 months now, and we haven't done as much as come up with a logo.

Sorry we keep coming up with awesome merchandise that some of you are spending the final remnants of your lunch money to order.

Sorry that we didn't have anything in our online shop to blatantly express your KSK love...until now.

This is the original KSK tee. You might recognize the logo from Ape's WYG post earlier today, and it reads KISSINGSUZYKOLBER.NET on the back. It takes 1-2 business days to ship, so you can still get it in your hands before you head to Glendale or that one guy's house that you don't like, but has a really sweet TV.

Click the shirt or go here to order this shirt.


UPDATE From 289: To help you share the love we are offering 14% off all orders over $18.00 from Jan 21-Feb 7. Use Coupon Code LOVE308 (In Canada CADLOVE308).

Thanks.

Your Friday Afternoon Cheers And Jeers

CHEERS to my new recliner, a purchase suggested by my orthopedist. Is it worth two months of horrid sciatica to hear a doctor mandate that you buy a La-Z-Boy? Fuck and yes.

JEERS to no games this week. We’ve gone over this ground already. But seriously, what the fuck? WHAT THE FUCK? Don’t even talk to me about fucking college basketball right now. I can’t even begin to look at that shit until March.

CHEERS to having a Wii in my office this afternoon.

JEERS to Guitar Hero III. The whole reason I don’t play guitar is because I lack coordination. Why have virtual guitaring if it’s just as fucking hard? Double JEERS for not giving me points for taking my cock out during gameplay. YOU. ARE. FAGS.

CHEERS to Leitch for his new book, on sale here. It’s certain to outsell the Gawker Guide To Conquering All Media, which, in an ironic twist, conquered no media of any sort.

JEERS to Heath Ledger’s death. Surely it’s no coincidence that, in his final role, he pretty much looks just like The Crow. And double JEERS to Mary-Kate Olsen for not picking up the goddamn phone. Bitch, you aren’t working. Quit staring at things like a cat and pick it up.

CHEERS to Hillary Clinton for her inevitable win in South Carolina tomorrow. Yes, just like the Democrats to choose a nominee 50% of the nation already can’t fucking stand. Nicely done, retards.

JEERS to me for bring up politics.

CHEERS to eggs. Oh, savory eggs. How I adore your yolky silkiness on a weekend morning. If you’re against abortion, should you eat eggs? I say no.

JEERS to me for bringing up politics again.

CHEERS to these cheerleader gals in bikinis on a Friday afternoon. Everyone in the water! Whee!!!!

JEERS to non-sequiturs.