Props Aren't Just For Hackish Comedians

Welcome to a special Super Bowl Bye Week edition of Always Be Covering. Since we can't bet on any games this week, we might as well take an early look at the all-important Super Bowl props.

Did you know that it's illegal in New Jersey to serve a burger at any temperature south of medium? GAY! Give me rare or give me death, I always say.


Coin toss: Tails -105 vs. Heads

Fifty percent of the time, it works every time. This is quite possibly the best bet of the week.


Coin toss winner: New York -105 vs. New England -105

In the five Super Bowls won by New England and New York the eventual winner was the team that lost the coin toss. It's science, people!


Team with longest kick return: New York -155 vs. New England +125

Is Domenik Hixon fast?
Yes.
Could his parents spell retard?
Only if you spot them the "retar-"
Does any of this matter?
Just the first part.


Team to score first: New York +160 vs. New England -200

Sure, why the fuck not. I'm going to go ahead and call it as a 32 yard field goal by Lawrence Tynes.

The bonus to the above bets is that you could potentially lock all of them up within the game's first possession, leaving you with a large sum of money to bet on the remainder of the game. Plus it's a way to bet on the Giants without actually betting on the Giants!


Big Payday of the Week

Super Bowl MVP: Asante Samuel 15:1

Brady is the obvious favorite, but his payout doesn't really make it worth the investment. Moss and WelKAH! may tempt some at 4:1 and 5:1 respectively, but imagine what they'd have to do to wrest the award away from the Dreamboat. That's why I'm going to the defensive side. Well, that and Elisha of course. Sure, the mealy-mouthed little brother has been pretty fucking impressive in recent weeks, but I think we all know that he's going to crack under the pressure like a wayward Mormon in Vegas.


Special Non-Football Pick of the Week

Australian Open Women's Final: Ana Ivanovic vs. Maria Sharapova...

The Winner: Your Throbbing Erection!

Have a restful weekend, apparently there's something big on the horizon. Now I'm going to go erase the image of our readership's collective phallus with heavy doses of grain alcohol.


P.S. I think I just spoiled next week's pick.

P.P.S. Buy a fucking t-shirt, Punter worked hard on ass kicking logo!

Always Bet On the Snow Cock

Welcome to another Championship edition of Always Be Covering. After last year's spectacularly perfect wrongness the key word this week is redemption. I was 7-1 picking games in the playoffs up until this point a year ago when I took the points in both games. Of course my memories of the weekend are a bit blunted, but I bet it was like getting punched in the balls from the inside.

Well no more of that shit. This time I'm guaranteeing a Sunday sweep, or my name isn't [REDACTED]. Seriously, you can totally hold me to it. If I lose feel free to call me at 202-555-FAKE for a full refund on your wager.

On to the picks!

Teasing the Snow Cock Into An Ironclad Winner
Risking 50 to win 45.

Posing for pictures in Peter King's yard is an annual tradition in Montclair.

Green Bay -1.5 vs. New York
Green Bay and New York OVER 34.5

The only thing that gets Brett's cock harder than playing ball in single degree weather is a cocktail of Cialis and Vicodin followed up with a Mississippi Bear Claw. In contrast, the weather will be just cold enough to cause Elisha's testicles to retreat back into his abdomen.

There Will Be Douche
Risking 50 to win 45.

You can't let those fans out-douche me, I'm motherfucking the Marmalard!

New England -14 vs. San Diego

Marmalard and the biggest fairweather Massholes in New England in the same building? If you're watching in HD you should be able to see a miasma of toxic douchery hovering over Gillette Stadium. It will start small with an early Chargers touchdown (no thanks to Pip) but we all know how it will end. The Pats are going to win going away, so you may as well make some money while you're drinking yourself into a coma. With any luck you'll wake up after the bye week. If they win without covering you might as well forget about the other side of darkness.

May your Sunday be profitable and crapulous. Go forth and wager, my children.