The Day Jesus Invented Football

Everybody knows Christmas is just some date that was assigned as Jesus' birthday by Pope Bellicose V to coincide with some pagan winter solstice sodomyfest. But December 24 carries actual significance in the Christian calendar, for it was the day Jesus took a knee for our sins and created the most holy game of football.

Before the advent of the sport, bands of pagans amused themselves by catching fatal diseases, trying soccer and getting bored or playing Scrabulous on Facebook. People were getting restless with this "Son of God" business, saying that if he really was something special, he'd find a way to win in the playoffs after finishing the regular season with 13 wins every fucking year.

In his 20th year, joined by his 12 Apostles, Joe Gibbs, Jon Kitna, Tony Dungy, Mark Brunell, Kurt Warner, Deion Sanders, Adrian Peterson, Mike Singletary, Jason Elam, Tom Landry, Reggie White and Mike Huckabee, Christ did create the continent of North America so that the 13 of them could convene at a field house in Canton, Ohio.

"Behold, my brothers," Jesus did say. "I give you football."

He held aloft the oddly shaped object fashioned of cowhide leather but referred to as a pigskin. The Apostles wept as they regarded it. Tom Landry didn't take off his hat, though, because he was a disrespectful asswipe.

"With this ball, shall ye line up 11 on 11 and attempt to take the ball to the opponent's end of the Earth."

The Earth back then was only 100 yards long.

"All that I ask of you is that you thank me for each win and each touchdown and not fault me for losses, fumbles or drive killing phantom holding calls."

The Apostles agreed to do so.

"However, Man is not yet ready to accept this divine gift. Therefore I will create a race of lesser men to keep the grass of this continent in good shape - well, except Pittsburgh - until a football playing race of men is able to slaughter them and establish a multi-billion dollar league dedicated to bringing it to the masses at exorbitant prices. The Washington franchise will be given a name insulting to this breed of lesser man."

"One more thing: you should slap each other's asses while you play it," Jesus said.

"Really? Slap each other's asses? What are you, Jesus, gay?" asked Jon Kitna.

"Actually, yes. Yes, I am," replied Jesus as he tongue kissed Esera Tuaolo.

It's Like We're Not Supposed to Be Driving Drunk or Something

Hey, great use of our tax dollars, assholes at the Department of Transportation. For all the millions you spend producing these pointless ads telling us that police arrest people for drunk driving then spending outsize dollars to air 600 of them an hour, we could possibly hire more officers to catch people. I don't know.

Why don't you just enter into an agreement wherein the game announcers mention each player who's been arrested for a DUI or DWI? "There's Cato June with the good open field tackle. By the way, he got popped for a DUI a few months ago. What a dipshit." If authorities are willing to prosecute celebrities for something, we citizens know it's a serious crime. Anything to not have to see these goddamn ads every break.

Ruh Roh Romee-Row

Everyone seems to be pulling for the scrappy, defensively deprived Cleveland Browns to overtake the Steelers for the AFC North crown. Well, their vaunted offense is laying a Horse Ball sized egg in Cincinnati.

I bet Browns fans are pissed. Not as much as those who bet on the over in this game. Thought you were so smart, didn't you?

It's the Little Things in Life

We didn't expect yesterday's post about uber-dipshit Joe Damato (seen above, left, in an artist's rendition) to go over so well. But, bless your adorable, shrunken hearts, you hated that bastard even more than we did.

That was a pleasant enough surprise, you hating him the way you did. But the blood diamond churned up by that post was the IMDb page of Joe D'Amato, who's an apostrophe and about 200 pornos away from being our Joe Damato. Please, enjoy this sampling from Mr. D'Amato's filmography:

Sperma Spende
Anal Perversions of Lolita... aka House of Anal Perversions
Raw and Naked
Sex Penitentiary
Robin Hood: Thief of Wives
120 Days of Anal
Homo Erectus... aka Jurassic Pork
Paprika... aka Anal Paprika... aka The Last Italian Whore
Some Like It Hard
Porno Holocaust
Blue Erotic Climax
Greedy Mouth
Erotic Nights of the Living Dead
The Smoking Cauldron of Virgins
Images in a Convent

Oh sure, laugh about Porno Holocaust. But you have no idea how many millions of sperm died during that genocide.

Speaking of sperm dying, I was looking for photos of NFL cheerleaders in Santa hats when my search was abruptly abandoned at this post at the Pro Cheerleaders Blog:

That's Robin. This is the PCB on Robin:

Robin is the most senior Charger Girl and though she may be long in the tooth, she still looks hot in the uniform and gives it all when performing. I think if all Charger Girls give that level of performance and commitment, they would have careers as long and illustrious as Robin’s.

Ah, I almost didn't realize this ancient hag was so close to menopause. I apologize. As recompense, here's fresh-faced and fresh-everythinged rookie Heather:

Merry Christmas, KSKers. As flubby noted below, things will be a little slower than usual next week, but we'll still get it up. Posts. Get posts up. On the blog.

Sean Taylor Memorial Meast of the WeekOh, Christmas Tree!

When I agreed to write this week's Meast post, I did so for one reason... to have a flimsy excuse to post the picture you see below. Veteran KSK readers may recall that this is the Rex Grossman-inspired bethonged Christmas tree that esteemed commenter Michigan Becky sent to us last year. As you can plainly see, Michigan Becky rocks the party. If you can decorate a tree anywhere close to this cool, we would love to see it.

Click picture for a better view. Go ahead, you deserve it.

Despite the fact that he is averaging over five yards a carry and is about to become the 17th leading rusher in league history, Fred Taylor was once again blue-balled by Pro Bowl voters. But now that Fast Cast Willie Parker is on the shelf with a broken leg, Taylor, as first alternate, will finally be making a trip to Honolulu. Fred's name used to be synonymous with season-ending injuries-- but this season he has been giving the big up-yours to all the simps like me that threw away first-round fantasy picks on Mojo Drew. Now, to top it all off, he is your Meast of the Week. Y'all give Fred some love.

Aloha, Mr. Hand.

We're going to be posting less frequently next week, but if you've been good boys and girls this weekend you might get a bourbon-fueled diatribe or two in your stocking. Ho fucking ho, baby.

Super Mario vs. One of Those Gay Manning Koopa Kids. WHO YA GOT?

Hey, it's a match-up for former number 1 picks who actually panned out into pretty good players. What's more, it's a situation in which the two players actually interact with one another, not like when two superstar players who both play offense or defense happen to be in the same game and we have to pretend one's performance can affect the other. Hey, look Purple Jesus put 125 on the 'Skins. He totally shut down Clinton Portis! Anyway, WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

Mario Williams_______Peyton Manning

No. 1 pick of

2006 NFL Draft_______Unimaginative advertisers everywhere


Power ups

Stars, mushrooms, flowers, construda__Gesturing frantically at line, buttsecks

Helped by

Warp pipe to quarterback_______Hiding in Elisha Koopa's squash fortress


Made famous by

Being better than Reggie Bush___Sticking Captain N's light gun up his chute


Rides

Kart________Chesney, on a cart


Can fly if

Wears a yellow cape_______Loafers get light enough

Favorite environment

Water level__________Fire (Island) level

Finishing move

Saves princess___________Surgery to become princess

Betting Against Kyle Orton, So Easy a Retarded Primate Could Do It

You're telling me I'm allowed to bet as much as I want against this guy?

Welcome to the Week 16 edition of Always Be Covering. This is a special week, not because of any "real" games, but because fantasy leagues all over the world will be crowing their champions. I've been fortunate (GENIUS!) enough to reach the finals in two of my three leagues, so this week I'll have the pleasure of beating the shit out of Drew and winning some actual money. Seeing as how I'm paying $200 for the money league I thought it would be appropriate to spread an equal amount over a handful of the tastiest NFL offerings.

It's been a bit of a long week what with the launch of 35 Seconds, assisting on a move, and the occasional bit of actual work (time permitting) so I didn't waste time with any of that silly research. On to the picks!

Each wager is for $50.

Green Bay -9 vs. Chicago

The Packers have only dropped two games against the spread and Kyle Orton throws footballs the way primates fling feces...assuming said primates are drunk and/or retarded. Speaking of which, how come you don't see more mentally challenged monkeys? I bet they'd be fun to have around, for a while at least.

Buffalo +3 vs. New York Giants

Speaking of retarded primates, how 'bout that Eli Manning!

Indianapolis -7 vs. Houston

I have absolutely nothing to say about this game, so here's a video that came up on a YouTube search for "retarded monkey."

It's like the Manning family in some sort of alternate reality!

Washington +6.5 vs. Minnesota

Y'know, Tarvaris Jackson with 6.5 points is like a mule with a spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it! No Rocky McIntosh for the Redskins, but that just means more H.B. Blades, and you can never have too much H.B. Blades. You've gotta love the Blades family, they're like the Spinks' of football.

Enjoy Week 16 everyone, now I'm going to go to bed so I can start dreaming about Levance Fields and Dejuan Blair.

Doug & Doug's Fantasy Report - Week 15

Here's this week's Doug & Doug fantasy report. I suppose it's pertinent here to mention that the Yahoo! Tank Desert Classic Championship will be played this weekend between me (BradyQuinn HandParty) and Maj (I Forgot My Mantra). There's a lot on the line. Winner gets either a free shirt or a free trophy. I picked the shirt. I'm not confident I chose well. I just found a shirt to be more practical. Anyway, here's how we match up:

QB Advantage: Maj
RB Advantage: Maj
WR Advantage: Drew
TE Advantage: Maj
K Advantage: Even
DEF Advantage: Drew
Height: Drew
Weight: Drew
Reach: Drew
Intelligence: Drew
Penile Length And Girth: Drew
Swarthiness: Maj
Sperm Count: Drew
Classic Roman Good Looks: Drew
Hair: Drew
Inherent Likability: Drew
Teeth Whiteness: Drew
Vaginal Depth: Drew (Maj edit)

Tough call. But we'll settle it all on the field on Sunday. Actually, other people will settle it on the field for us. But you get the idea. Oh, and FUCK MAJ.

KSK Mailbag: Joe Damato Is a Moronic A--Hole

Some first-class asshole named Joe Damato wrote into us regarding a satirical post in which we had a fictional David Garrard act as a pimp. Well, Joe noticed an inaccuracy in the post. He writes:

Here's your quote:

"No? Good. Did you know officers, by law, have to answer that last question honestly? Isn't that interesting? Now, if you don't mind, I need to have Tiny here pat you down. TINY!"

Officers don't. If they did, there would be no such thing as an "undercover" officer because numb nut criminals would say..."are you a cop?" and the cop would say "aw shucks.....ya' got me!" There goes the whole idea of "undercover."

Either go to law school or do some research....get your fat asses off of the couch and stop being ignorant.

Just a friendly reminder for whichever one of you douche bags tries to buy some blow or grass from a guy on the street. "Are you a cop?," doesn't work. Morons.

We suggested to Joe that if he can't recognize satire, he should probably go ahead and hang himself. He replied:

If you can't recognize accuracy, then you should keep doing whatever it is you are doing. Fucking morons.
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

...

Wait. So...

...

What are we supposed to do again? Is it go to law school, do some research, or keep doing what we're doing?

Hey Joe, guess who's both the dumbest and the most righteous jackass to ever send us an angry email?

You are, asshole. I hope this is the first thing that pops up when someone Googles you. Merry Christmas, cocksucker.

ESPN’s Chris Mortensen Reports That ESPN’s Chris Mortensen Is Just F--king Guessing

ESPN's Chris Mortensen has learned that ESPN’s Bill Parcells is currently on a charter flight to Atlanta tonight.

ESPN's Chris Mortensen reports that earlier report of ESPN’s Bill Parcells currently on a charter flight to Atlanta tonight may or may not have a layover.

ESPN's Chris Mortensen tells ESPN's "Mike & Mike" that a reported flight to Atlanta tonight contained Elton John without his hair or makeup, and NOT ESPN’s Bill Parcells.

ESPN's Chris Mortensen confirms to ESPN that ESPN's Chris Mortensen does not know where ESPN’s Bill Parcells is at this time, but will have updates as this story develops.

ESPN's Chris Mortensen has learned that ESPN.com's Len Pasquarelli reports that ESPN’s Bill Parcells is now on his way to Miami, preparing to sign offer sheet to become VP of Dolphins. Parcells will sign the offer, unless he does not.

ESPN's Chris Mortensen reports that ESPN’s Bill Parcells is carrying with him a preserved mosquito in amber, and plans on cloning dinosaurs once he lands in Miami.

ESPN's Chris Mortensen has learned that ESPN’s Bill Parcells has actually already cloned two velociraptors and has them in transit.

ESPN's Chris Mortensen reports that the velociraptors have been genetically engineered to read, to use telekinesis, and to feel no pain. But that the velociraptors are both females, so that they cannot learn to breed.

ESPN's Chris Mortensen tells ESPN's John Clayton that the velociraptors have learned to BREED!

ESPN's Chris Mortensen has learned that the bloodthirsty velociraptors have parachuted out the plane and are presently on the ground!

ESPN's Chris Mortensen reports that THEY HAVE NUKES NOW! GOOD FUCKING GOD, RUN! EVERYONE RUN! HURRY! PLEASE! SOON THEY WILL DEVOUR US ALL AND CREATE A NEW ERA!


NBA: Raptors 73, Bucks 71

ESPN's Chris Mortensen reports that ESPN.com's Len Pasquarelli reports that the recent reports (probably from a blog) of a superintelligent nuclear dinosaur attack were incorrect. Apparently, they were just cats.

BREAKING NEWS: ESPN's Chris Mortensen OFFICIALLY CONFIRMS that Falcons head coach Bobby Petrino has resigned to become the new head coach at Arkansas. Today. December 20th.

BREAKING NEWS: ESPN's Chris Mortensen would like to reiterate his confirmation that Falcons head coach Bobby Petrino has resigned to become the new head coach at Arkansas, because it's totally true!

BREAKING NEWS: ESPN's Chris Mortensen has learned that Yahoo's Mike Silver has written an article with lots of cool stuff in it, and that he will soon report its contents.

Get the inside scoop from ESPN's Chris Mortensen on ESPN Insider!