Wednesday, February 6, 2008

This Goes Deeper Than We Ever Thought

[int. Robert Kraft's office]

Bob: Oh boy, that was some wicked good chowdah!

[door flies open]

Bill: Hey shitstain we need to talk, so quit licking that fucking bowl and listen up.

Bob: Hi Bill, I take it you're still steamed about that Super Bowl?

Bill: Shut up you dumb fruit, we have more important things to worry about than a game.

Bob: What could be more important than the Super Bowl?

Bill: You know god damn well that I'm talking about out little "weekend research project".

Bob: I'm sorry Bill, but I'm afraid I'm not sure what you are referring to. If you've gone and done something to get yourself into trouble then I am sorry, but I have nothing to do with any of that business.

Bill: Like hell you don't, you froggy throated nancy boy! Don't forget, those are your signatures on the checks made out to Walsh and Beeks.

Bob: Hey, you hired the guys. I'm the happy-go-lucky executive, and you're the evil genius at the controls. Just ask the media.

Bill: You son of a bitch, you can't set me up to take the fall. I'd sooner lose with dignity than to go down alone.

Bob: Don't worry Bill, it doesn't have to be that way.

Bill: So what do you suggest?

Bob: Well that all depends on how far you're willing to go, my friend.

Bill: Are you talking about a bit of wetwork?

Bob: Well, we have to do whatever it takes to keep this thing from unraveling any further.

Bill: You know me Bob, I'll strangle the life out of an orphan if he slows me down on the sidewalk.

Bob: Excellent, because I don't need to tell you what happens if any of this comes back to Mother Russia.

[hidden door swings open]

Vlad: No, we certainly can't have that. Eliminate the short one and the others will fall in place.

Bill and Bob: YES SIR!


Chris Mueller said...

"If I'm not dead by Monday morning I'll stop payment on that check."

Very nice, Maj.

Nashville Steeler Fan said...

You and your Nobel Prize, you idiot.

Where's Beeks? Where in hell is Beeks?

Raywashere said...

Every time i see [door flies open] i expect to see Marmalard, damn you cockteases

the great bambi said...

In Soviet Russia, road forks you!

CoffeeTableBook said...

So does Matt Walsh get the ricin infested bb from an umbrella gun or do they straight out poison him nuclear waste. That polonium shit took way too long.

Of course, there is a lot to be said for a quick double-tap from a PSM in the back of the head. Ah, the good old days...

the great bambi said...

or maybe they give him the Mario Danelo treatment, get him drunk, push him off a cliff into the pacific...too soon?

and no, i can't do the bloody hyperlinks

gone said...

Google Earth for the win.

Unknown said...

Excellent work Maj. Just back from Phoenix after watching in person my team stomp out the Pats in the Super Bowl - easily the greatest night of my life.

I actually passed Simmons (who is more pale and douche-like in person than you could ever imagine) on the concourse at the stadium before the game - he was running around with his ESPN credential, presumably to buy the Randy Moss jersey he wrote about. Here's my email to him after the game:

"Hey Bill,

Subconsciously, the Patriots players realized they weren't actually a good enough team to have a perfect season. That's why, rather than carry the mantle of being the NFL's first 19-0 team throughout history, the Patriots ducked the challenge posed by the Giants and folded in the face of pressure. I can't wait to read your column rationalizing the Pats' loss due to factors like the referees and injuries, while altogether ignoring the impact those factors had on the other team.

From 18-0 to 18-1: The greatest choke job in the history of sports. And don't forget the asterisk. Jerk."

Fuck that felt great. The last few days still feel like a dream....

Wormfather said...

If you dont mind me suggesting, this story could do with a little homage to the wire. Just a suggestion. I mean, I'm sure soemone in/out boston can fill the roll of Omar and Belicheat is definitly the Marlo type.

Animal Mother said...

It's the off season, Billy boy only cares about someones wife and her game plan for his wiener.

MC said...

OK, any sports post that manages to insert Vlad the Impaler into the post in a meaningful way is fantastic. And I like the undertones that Kraft is using Belichick.

J. Ro said...

@ Great Bambi: I misread that as Paul Dinello at first and was about to be really upset that someone killed Geoffery Jellineck

Ryan L said...

"weekend research project" project.

was the project on double secret probation?

p.s. this is the word I have to type down below: "dfqimutu"

Dr.VanNostren said...

Bambi - not too soon. all the bandwagon SC fans here in So Cal would disagree.

So when can we send Chevy Chase & Dan Aykroid to ( Gillette??

JAMMQ said...

Paul Sorvino as Putin, hmmmm, that would be a stretch, but it could work.

jackin'4beats said...

Great post...for a round white guy!

I kid because it's funny.