Thursday, June 28, 2007

KSK Birthday Roast

While I would like to spend most of the day sucking myself off ESPN-style, repeated attempts during the course of my adolescence proved this to be an impossibility. I prefer self-flagellation to self-congratulation, and so I asked a handful of FOKSK’s (Friends of KSK. I just made that acronym up.) to send us messages of pure, raw scorn. Here now are their efforts.

Dan Steinberg:
You all make me feel dirty. But more than that, you make me feel ritually unclean. When I wander by your site, however briefly, you make me feel like I have just bathed in the collective sweat wringed out of the collective undergarments of the collective members of some Arena League 2 franchise from Arkansas or Mississippi or one of those tropical places. You make me wonder how we, as sports fans and Americans, have lost our way, and why our being lost necessitates so many filthy jokes and images of woebegotten young lasses. You make me yearn for the days when sports brought us joy and mirth, the days of serious, grown professionals like Jim Murray and Howard Cosell and Stuart Scott.

In conclusion, you all make me hate myself and all that I stand for. More than usual, even.

The preceding is dedicated to that Jew Unsilent Majority.

JE Skeets:

Awful Announcing:

DJ Gallo:
"Dear KSK -

Congratulations on your first birthday. You look so hot. I meant to give
you one birthday candle, but all I have is this one rock hard cock that
I'm pressing up against you. Enjoy!

-Joe Namath"

Will Leitch:
I formally congratulate Kissing Suzy Kolber on its year birthday; I
would have never made it through last year's NFL season had it not been
for you. To celebrate, I think you should undergo an unnecessary
redesign that infuriates your site's most fervent supporters. The sky is
the limit.

Nation of Islam Sports Blog:

It has come to our attention that your "blog" is currently in the midst of celebrating the one year anniversary commemorating your initial bowel evacuation on the blogosphere.

Can this be?

How can an assembly of untalented, insightless, poorly written, less than unfunny, obscenely offensive to the open eye, insensitive and routinely plagiaristic "men" possibly carve out a larger than "sad lonely fuck who habitually beats off to porn in his mom's basement and keeps a blog/diary that is read by two readers a day, both readers being said sad lonely fuck" presence on the net? How?

How can a group of "men" who engage in overtly homoerotic verbal heavy petting and linguistic gay orgies with each other leave a significant footprint in the world of SPORTS blogging? How can it not be that your "blog" posts about the hottness of Orlando Bloom or the machismo of Enrique Iglesias? How can it be that your "blog" is not an homage to the male delictability of Matthew McConaugay? Or a tribute to the musical styling of Mika? How?

Like the meaning of life, these are questions that can have no answers. And more pointedly, might have answers that induce vomiting.

So, on this occasion of auspicious consequence, we wish you hearty congratulations. And we pass you some toilet napkins so you might cleanse your expository opening to continue to treat the blogosphere like my Big Momma Rasheeda treats her Depends.

With Allah's Blessings,


And here are cheerful rips from SlickBomb and Dave’s Football Blog. Thanks to all the roasters and extra special thanks to 289 for the planet KSK design. Let us have it in the comments.


BeaverFever said...

DJ Gallo's message was classic. almost pissed my-self reading it.

the topless pic of erin esurance is classic. nice tits for a cartoon.

Otto Man said...

First person to make a joke about Bea Arthur's dick gets to suck it.

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
njpaNick said...

I had to re-read the message from NOIS three times, what with all the commas and hyphens and question marks and whatnot.

It's a sad day when you're not smart enough to make it through a KSK post.

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

I am sending over the Duke lacrosse teams private hooker to entertain you all tonight. Happy birthday, love Chris

Martha Van Bork said...

Nice to see Shaneequa Mangold make an appearance.

Unsilent Majority said...

Jeff Ross would make an interesting addition to the Gay Mafia

Raskolnikov said...

Skeets, did you hire Ms. BigBritches for the party?

Anonymous said...

I've never seen a camel toe bigger than an actual camel before.....

Raskolnikov said...

I just looked at that Skeets picture again. That's not camel toe; that's a supermassive black hole.

Otto Man said...

True, UM.

"What can you really say about Carson Daly that hasn't already been said about that retarded boy that won the lottery?"

Wormfather said...

You know what, the whole lot of you are nothing more than cum guzzling, gutter sluts that get beaten by the preverbial red headed step child while simotaniously being sucked off by said red heds step day while imagining a three way between your individual selves, sex cannon and SG.

And one of you has a dirty towel.

But ya know what, I like all that in a website. Keep up the good work.

Unknown said...

Wrong, Raskolnikov. That my friend is a 'mooseknuckle.'

Wormfather said...

...and no, I'm not going to edit that shit for spelling. You'll get my shit just like my dog does. Raw!

(I dont own a dog.)

Matt said...

289: Making KSK famous since 2006.

I think he should be celebrated on this day too, considering he (and the NFL players who populate KSK Planet) provide the material, not you lazy bastids.

Raskolnikov said...

Skeets, if you were a sherpa, it'd be a yakfoot.

josh said...

thanks for making the rest of us feel inadequate, fuckers.

Steve said...

KSK's predilection towards dick jokes and obsession with cumslinging bukkake is almost as pathetic as being addicted to this site and refreshing the page every 60 seconds throughout a typical workday (F5 480 times).

We are all worse off for having found this site and hope and pray with all that is unholy that the Mafia burns a slow eternity in hell for they have unleashed on us all.

Fuck you. Die. And may God have mercy on your souls.

Happy Birthday. I hate myself for loving you.

Wormfather said...

Listen Matt, if I give you some chicken and flour and fried chicken appears am I supposed to give the chicken the credit?

I in a foul mood today, I want to punch something. Should be better seeing as how I'm on vacation starting tomorrow.

Anonymous said...

You know, I've only been stopping by for three months, but I feel like it's been 13 weeks.

Here's to another year (raises Tijuana Flats cup with nothing but bullshit crushed ice left and swears silently that he'd eat his own leg for a bottle of Three Olives and a can of Red Bull).

Martha Van Bork said...

Fuck 289, send that monkey back to art class.

Anonymous said...

I love the FOKSK acronym. Sounds like "fuck-suck" to me. Well, close enough.

Peter McSheisty said...

You know, I was going to tear you guys to pieces, but I love you too much. I cant insult the guys that brought "Sex Cannon" and the adventures of Michael Vick into my life.

Except for Unsilent Majority.
Silly UM, Jews cant be gangster.

Dave the Wave said...

"HoneyNut said...
I had to re-read the message from NOIS three times, what with all the commas and hyphens and question marks and whatnot.

It's a sad day when you're not smart enough to make it through a KSK post."

I hate those douchenozzles at NOIS as much as the next guy...but damn, you definately aren't smart enough to make it through KSK if you were confused by the hyphens in NOIS's letter.

There weren't any.

Get help.

BeaverFever said...

seriously, this site has made the off season a little easier to handle. you guys rock, the cock of course being the gay mafia and all. beaverfever says, "KSKfever, catch it !"

fallex said...

Only 12 more years till you're "of age" in Georgia. My jorts just got tighter thinking about it.

whowillsexmutombo? said...

Up until 2006, the internet served as a good tool for gathering information, finding obscure porn, and meeting gay dudes pretending to be slutty girls. The one thing it lacked was a forum of smart-ass writers "web-logging" about topics that they didn't really know enough about to be paid to write about said topics in traditional media.

Than KSK came along, and turned the world on its ear.

Long may you run, KSK.

jackin'4beats said...

Three cheers and a keg of beer for KSK. So what keg do you want? St. Ides or Olde English 800?

You all deserve only the best.

SlickBomb said...

I've said my piece. Best.Football.Blog.Ever.

Signal to Noise said...

jackin4beats - send 'em the Steel Reserve. First anniversaries for blogs are done on the cheap.

BeaverFever said...

if you were asking me jackin'4beats i would go with the crooked i, but your not asking me so i will shut up now.

Otto Man said...

Jackin', I can't believe a man with an Ice Cube avatar has to be reminded of that man's words of wisdom:

"Get your jimmie thicker / Get your girlie in the mood quicker / With St. Ides Malt Liquor."

Audio available here, holmes.

Boy Howdy said...

Peter McSheisty:

Maurice Clarett begs to differ.

jackin'4beats said...


Hey I hear you, but you know, sometimes you gotta diversify a little bit and drink a light malt liquor e'ry now and then.

Especially when you're on the set of "Are We There Yet?" and kids are around. Gotta make a good impression with the kids - they are the future.

Otto Man said...

Good point, J4B. But the only kids on this site are the future baby Rexxies, and they're all in seed form.

So get yo' drink on, mofo. But wash yo' ass first.

Otto Man said...
This comment has been removed by the author.