Marisa Miller Endorses KSK!

Every day until voting for the 2007 Weblog Awards closes (that’s today!), we’ll have a new celebrity endorsing us and encouraging you to vote KSK for Best Sports Blog. And, should these celebrities be female, and possess a surplus of cleavage and a deficit of clothing, well, we can’t help who chooses to love us. Yesterday, I asked you to vote for who you’d like the final endorser to be. You voted for porn star Aurora Snow. Unfortunately, I can’t post pictures of Snow here, since the only photos available all feature various foodstuffs lodged inside of her. Thus, today’s celebrity endorser is SI supermodel and unreasonably attractive woman Marisa Miller. Marisa, what do YOU think of KSK?

“Will you just win the stupid fucking award already? No one fucking cares."



Thanks, Marisa! And be sure to vote today, even if you haven’t finished masturbating!

Patriots vs. Bye. WHO YA GOT?

Sure, there are games this week that will decide the division lead in the NFC East and the AFC North, but who gives a warm saucer of amniotic fluid about who leads those loser divisions? We want to know about the Patriots. Who is attaching an asterisk to their season, or a circumflex, or an umlaut or those crazy interlocking S's you sometimes see in academic papers. What do those mean, anyway? WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

Patriots______________Bye week

Record

9-0_______________0-0-9

Strengths

Insufferability, winning________Idle time to fill with Heroin Hero

Affiliation with Satan

His team_________________His plaything

Letdown

Bye week unlikely to accuse them of running up the score_____Also unlikely to collect bounty on Brady

Weaknesses

Rush defense, officials who actually call Randy Moss for pushing off____Solely a temporal abstract, not actual football team (like rest of AFC East)

Versus Bengals

38-16_________ few dozen arrests

Bragging rights

Not playing, yet discussed at length during all other games__Not losing to New England

Finishing move

Fucking up fantasy owners___Putting up a better fight than the Redskins

Whoa, whoa, were you going to flush that???

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell is scrambling to add a new street drug to the league's banned substance list. Players, anxious for a powerful high that cannot be detected by current testing procedures, have turned to “jenkem”-- also known as “butthash”-- a methane based concoction manufactured from fermented human waste.

The issue first came to the commissioner's attention earlier this season when fans were told they were not “allowed” to flush the toilets in the restrooms at Pittsburgh's Heinz Field. Sources close to league security have confirmed that the restrooms were in fact sophisticated jenkem laboratories. While the creator of the labs is unknown, addiction experts at Johns Hopkins university have found a correlation between accident related head trauma and the inexplicable urge to get high off your own dookie.

The big break in the league's inquiry came recently when a prominent, but as yet unnamed, Philadelphia family, was discovered to be the league's primary distributor of jenkem. Not satisfied with the quality of their own excrement, members of the family were making frequent trips to the west coast and breaking into the restrooms in the Qwest Field locker room. Commented one recovering jenkem addict, “Man, that Holmgren doo-doo will get you high as fuck! That muthafucker must be eatin' straight up roadkill.”

“Man, last thing I remember was hitting that butthash a couple times. Next thing I know, we are dressed like the fucking Osmonds and sacrificing Pokey to appease the godking Ba'al.”

Mottram And Leitch At The Blog Convention In Vegas!

The BlogWorld convention is starting today! And our friends Will Leitch and Jamie Mottram are there! It's gonna make ComicCon look like a goddamn Alpha Beta party! WITH stair diving!

I’m Old And Unhappy!

Those darn Patriots deserve an asterisk!… This shredded wheat isn't soggy enough yet!… Oh no, the tremors are back!… Why do all these kids today have walkie-talkies?… If my skin is brittle, it must be Tuesday… I wish they’d stop serving shrimp cocktail at my restaurant. We don’t know enough about the mysteries of the sea yet!… Where did I leave my shoes?… How come my grandchildren drink so much water? Kids today get far too much water!… When did colored folks get to ride in the front of the bus?… Why am I the only person in my neighborhood who still uses Ivory Soap Flakes?… Why can’t anyone remind me to buy a rubber mattress pad?!... They're out of key lime pie at Publix!... No one appreciates the beauty of a well-played cribbage match nowadays!

These Cubans listen to too much joyful music!… Did I change my shirt this week?… Why doesn’t anyone use fingerbowls anymore?!… I don’t care for television nowadays. That Dan Fielding on “Night Court” is far too lascivious for my taste!… Why do college kids need to study the history of the Chinaman?… Why isn’t the T formation used more?… How do I program this darn VCR?!… Why can't I find a decent sleeping cap at Nordstrom's?!... The moon is God’s eye watching me at night!… Peter King is hilarious and insightful!… Sunscreen is a hoax!… I’m not paying for any two-ply toilet tissue! That’s overindulgent!… Why don’t they make men like Teddy Roosevelt anymore?!

I don't trust those Russkies!

Everything in my house smells like old cornbread!… Kids today marry far too often for love!… Kids today can’t coach! I know because I have two of them!… I don’t trust computers ever since I saw that movie “Electric Dreams”. It could fall in love with my Mrs.!… We’re out of Crème de Menthe, Delores!… Why is everything drooping?… Real men smoke!… Mattresses are for coddlers!… There’s a very elaborate puppet show going on in this black box marked Sony in my room!… Homosexuals are walking about freely now!… Fantasy football? That’s for slow kids and invalids!… How come no one likes horse racing anymore?… One day, the Philippines will be ours again!… It’s not a fridge. It’s an icebox, god dammit!… This butter comes in sticks!… Who’s this Spielberg character?…

It too bright in here!!!!!!

The Inevitable Return of Schottenheimer Pt. 2

This is a continuation of yesterday's post analyzing the NFL's 32 head coaches.

NFC East

Fatty Arbuckle (Dal)- Every time Jason Garret walks by the head coach's office he mentally measures for new curtains.
Tom Coughlin (NYG)- He could become the first coach to be unceremoniously fired after winning the Super Bowl...nah, they aren't winning the Super Bowl.
Joe Gibbs (Was)- Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die.
Andy "The Pin" Reid (Phi)- Roger Goodell will intervene to fire Reid on Philly's behalf.

NFC North

Mike McCarthy (GB)- As long as he keeps Brett full of opiates it's all good.
Rod Marinelli (Det)- You mean to tell me that Mike Martz isn't the Lions coach?
Brad Childress (Min)- Staking his future on Chester Taylor.
Lovie Smith (Chi)- He took the Sex Cannon to the Super Bowl. Big time grace period.

NFC South

Jon Gruden (TB)- They tried to burn him in the fire place but he managed to escape.
John Fox (Car)- On the verge of becoming the biggest scapegoat since German Jews
Sean Payton (NO)- He could blow up the levee's and still be untouchable.
Bobby Petrino (Atl)- Even Home Depot managers get more respect from their underlings. Mutiny is all but assured.

NFC West

Mike Holmgren (Sea)- They're already collecting the necessary tonnage of smelt to buy out his contract.
Ken Whisenhunt (Ari)- Cushiest job in the NFL. Nobody expects too much and there's no chance he's getting fired before his contract expires.
Mike Nolan (SF)- They're already stocking the fuhrerbunker with cyanide pills.
Scott Linehan (StL)- Injuries happen, and so does seppuku.

NFC Far East

Coming September 2012!

Stacy Kiebler Endorses KSK!

Every day until voting for the 2007 Weblog Awards closes on November 8th, we’ll have a new celebrity endorsing us and encouraging you to vote KSK for Best Sports Blog. And, should these celebrities be female, and possess a surplus of cleavage and a deficit of clothing, well, we can’t help who chooses to love us. Today’s celebrity endorser is former WWE Diva Stacy Kiebler. Stacy, what do YOU think of KSK?

“Well, the thing I love about KSK is that they care about the plight of average Americans. But they also care about the plight of PERFECT Americans such as myself. I also like the fact that they care so deeply about the hardships facing migrant farm workers and... wait, you're not actually reading this text, are you? What are you, Larry Craig? This quote could be in Portuguese and I doubt you boys would give a shit. Just stare at my pictures and leave me alone."



Thanks, Stacy! And be sure to vote every day, even if the site has clearly crashed!

BONUS: Tomorrow is the last day of these posts. So pick who you'd like our final endorser to be in the comments. Whoever gets the most votes wins.

Kevin Everett Meast Of The Week – Week 9

This is old news, but I’d like to talk for a moment about Larry Craig, that one Senator who was busted in the airport for trying to score a quick layover motorboating. I don’t give a shit about the politics of Craig’s situation. What I care about is the fact that, in order to get laid, all Craig had to do is hop on the Internet, find a good “hot spot”, then walk into a shitter and tap his feet.

Are you fucking shitting me? That is AWESOME.

I wish I were gay.

Seriously, you gay men have it so easy, it makes me sick. I spent 20 long goddamn years trying to score with a girl before at last succeeding. And even then, it wasn’t all that great. (I blame her.)

But you, Dorothy, you can just stroll into a restroom or a local park, click your heels together, and PRESTO! A fresh cock is yours in no time. It’s like goddamn magic. We heterosexual men, we have to wine ladies, and dine ladies, and listen to them talk for hours on end about what a dick their LAST boyfriend was. And then maybe, just maybe, we get a reluctant blowjob. But you, Johnny Cakes, you don’t have to do any of that shit. You want a hot cock tonight? No problemo! You don’t even have to talk to other guy. He just strolls in, ready to bang. For free!

That is such bullshit.

We hetero gents have always dreamed of a day when women are just as horny and unselective about who they bang as we are. There are, of course, some women like that. But those women are sluts, okay? Totally undesirable. We heterosexual men need women who understand just how deep and depraved our libidos are, and are happy to indulge it. But you Just Jacks never have to worry about that. Your women ARE men! They totally get it! They’re into the latex thing! Is that worth suffering through a 100 Stonewalls? Fuck and yes.

So think about how blessed you are, gays of the world. You get more of the sex and none of the effort. You lucky bastards.

Your Meast of the Week is Matt Birk and the Vikings’ o-line.


On Sunday, they opened holes wider than Larry Craig’s bruised asshole, helping the Vikings tally almost 400 yards rushing. An incredible effort by Birk, Steve Hutchinson, Ryan Cook, and Anthony Herrera (but not Bryant McKinnie. He blows). And terribly exciting to behold. But it’s no Cock On Demand, I tell you.

NFL PostSecret Week 10: [Redacted]

It's an unfortunate world we live in when someone feels so hemmed in by the pressures of society that the only way they feel they can confide in someone is to mail an artfully constructed postcard to some dude in Germantown, MD who packages them together and sells them in bounded collections. Well, the NFL is even more harsh and doubly forbidding of confession, but those struggling with it can always turn to NFL PostSecret. At least we aren't making money off their pain. That's only for the league to do.

NFL PostSecret is an ongoing community art project where players and coaches or whoever I feel like making fun of mails in their secrets anonymously on one side of a homemade postcard. It's also a satire of this.

-----Email Message-----
Sent: Monday, November 5, 2007 11:13 AM
Subject: Months

And October. And June.


-----Email Message-----
Sent: Tuesday, November 6, 2007 9:26 PM
Subject: Fitty

Sucks I'm out for the season. I finally have someone I identify with on this team.


-----Email Message-----
Sent: Tuesday, November 6, 2007 10:06 PM
Subject: Fitty 2


Shame that I'm not. Now Boldin gets all my throws and prayers.

EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY – Tom Brady Knee Bounty Increased To $60, Plus Free Goodie Bag!

Well, well, well, NFL defenders. You had 9 nine weeks to fuck up Tom Brady’s knee and collect my bounty. But I see you were just too dignified and sportsmanlike to get the job done on the field. Well, that’s a fucking disgrace.

But I am nothing if not persistent. This week’s is the Patriots’ bye week, and it presents a perfect opportunity to kneecap this pretty bastard as he enjoys his leisure time. I happen to have come across a copy of Brady’s bye week itinerary. He’ll be in New York with that floozy of a Brazilian girlfriend of his all week. Tomorrow, they plan on window shopping in SoHo. What perfect opportunity for you to injure Mr. Wonderful and collect my money. IF YOU'VE GOT THE BALLS. Just picture it: one minute, our friend is delighting at the sweet treats in the window of Jacques Torres Chocolate Haven. The next minute, BOOM! A fucking Lincoln Navigator pins him right against the glass, rupturing vital arteries and teaching him an important lesson in humility. Do you have the steely determination to carry this out? I don’t like what you’ve shown me so far.

And I’ve got an extra treat waiting for you if you pull this off, Mr. Defender Man. Last week, I threw in a bag of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. But this week, I’m going all out. I get it. You’re a celebrity now. Money is no longer as thrilling as it once was. Well, I know one thing no celebrity can resist. A GOODIE BAG!!!!


Aw, yeah. Feast your eyes. No celebrity can resist the siren song of free shit wrapped in tissue paper and then stuffed inside a decorative paper bag. It’s fun! It’s tax-free! It’s an incredible insult to working class Americans! No one can deny the appeal of that. Tara Reid has lived off of gift bags alone since 2002. Your gift bag will include the following items:

-Reese’s Cups
-Bottle of Stetson (for ironic purposes)
-Two day stay at Rancho Relaxo
-Free Movado watch
-Home pedicure set
-5 Lottery scratch tickets
-Free test trial sample of new Glaxosmithkline anemia pill
-Matt Ufford sex tape
-? (mystery item!)
-? (another mystery item!)
-? (yet another mystery item!)
-? (mystery item that’ll really make you cream your jeans!)

And if that’s not enough, we’re raising the bounty… TO SIXTY DOLLARS!!!!!



God, look at that. One fifty and one ten. Or get three twenties. Or six tens. Or twelve fives. But don’t ask me to pay you in singles. Go to Pacman Jones for that shit.

Your move, NFL defenders. It’s Tom Brady’s week off. But a week becomes a year so easily. All you need is a Louisville Slugger and an iron will.