Recappink. Veddy, Veddy, Veddy Recappink.

Jacksonville 44, Indianapolis 17: Saddle up, Indy. It's a tad early for your late-season collapse, but maybe, like the holidays, it'll just creep up a little sooner each year. Ricky Proehl and his two catches for 23 yards didn't do much to compensate for the team not addressing its seive-like run D. It's the Colts second loss in a row to a division foe, and now a team once contemplating a perfect season may see their seemingly inevitable first-round bye in jeopardy.

Miami 21, New England 0: Tom Brady got hurt late in the contest, with the Dolphins' stunning lack of respect wounding him deeply. He was 12-25 for 79 yards. A shame Tony Romo and Vince Young are actually worthy of attention, because the NFL is being deprived of the hot-blooded sensation of Harringtonmania.

Minnesota 30, Detroit 20: What the shit is an Artose Pinner? Is he a Jedi or a Sith? Is he Kit Fisto's brother?

Cincinnati 27, Oakland 10: Cell Block C(incinnati) opened a bottle of pruno punishment on the Raiders and Aaron Brooks in his second start back. Carson Palmer threw three picks, but unless the Raiders take 'em all the back (like they did twice against my Steelers. Guhhhhh.) they can't really capitalize.

Nigh Giants 27, Carolina 13: The Giants freefall is temporarily overtaken by that of the Panthers. Chris Weinke throws 61 passes, 10 more than he's thrown since 2001.

Philadelphia 21, Washington 19 - Being in D.C., I was stuck watching this game, which meant 30 minutes of those fucktasters Kenny Albert and Brian Baldinger delighting in the exploits on some retarded Eagles fan who switched jerseys between Brian Westbrook and Brian Dawkins depending on who had possession. Where was the Dead Tree Crew to rough this guy up? Seemed like a rough patch in the Miseducation of Jason Campbell early on, but Andy Reid let the 'Skins back in the game with fatheaded retardery. Ladell Betts signed a 5-year extension late in the week and looked plenty solid in this one. Does this mark the end of frequently hurt C-Port in D.C.? That oughta provoke UM nicely.

Baltimore 20, Kansas City 10: Steve McNair was mighty solid, going 21-27, 287 yds and a TD. Still, with Daunte Culpepper not playing, he's the clear owner of the league's lamest touchdown celebration, with his over-the-head, hands-together, palms-out I-don't-know-what. As if there weren't enough reasons to dislike the Ravens. I guess the only consolation is that they're only good for one or two offensive touchdowns a game.

Atlanta 17, Tampa Bay 6: I have absolutely nothing to say in regards to this contest. Hey, Vick has herpes. That's all I got. Um, know what I hate? Krav Maga. What a bullshit martial art. Yeah, I said it. Take that, IDF.

Tennessee 26, Houston 20: The NFL is in 17 countries and David Carr can say "I suck" in all of them.

Peyton Manning Endures Another Sunday Afternoon Anus Rape, This Time In A Figurative Sense

Sweet balls, man.

The Jags are putting a serious beatdown on the Colts right now. It's 37-10 with the third quarter winding down. Observations from this poorly-motorvated contributor include:

• JAX racking up over 300 yards on the ground (this is in THREE quarters) and 3 TDs
• Noted nerd-basher Maurice Jones-Drew running a kickoff return 93 yards to the hizzy to start the second half
  
• Peyton Manning throwing a very unsensible pick to Gerald Sensabaugh
  
• Jack Del Rio kicking it in a suit (remember kids, dress for the ass-beating you want to GIVE, not the ass-beating you want to RECEIVE)
• Mike Tice on the Jaguars sideline, looking startlingly competent

Yeah, you still think the Colts are going to win the AFC?

Coffee Is For Coverers...Kush Is For Hangovers

Welcome to the latest edition of our weekly feature, Always Be Covering. The following is a sample of the games that I find particularly intriguing.

Disclaimer
While I may appear startlingly brilliant (or possibly not) you must remember that this is a humor site. Gamble at your own peril you degenerate son of a bitch.

Well we're about forty minutes from the first kickoff of the day and I've finally pulled myself out of bed, since my head is still pounding and I haven't had my morning bong hit lets keep this short and sweet. Besides, my bodog account is empty...thanks a lot Brady Quinn!













Seahawks -3.5 @ Pink Taco Eaters

Shaun Alexander is going to rush for 450 yards and 14 touchdowns...I could still be drunk.

Baltimore +3 @ Kansas City

Herm Edwards is a favorite against a dominant defense...take the points!

If I lose again I'm going to sexually assault Christmas Ape's cat (I'm like Alf only with sexual dysfunctions!)

Give Us Your Poor, Your Tired, Your Drunken Masses

This Internet sure is a lousy place for communication. If only there were a place to talk to other people here. A "board", if you will, where people could post "messages", and start conversational "threads". Perhaps wacky signatures and avatars could be involved as well.

If only there were such a place...

Well friends, you're in luck. Introducing the KSK Message Board! Now you can do all your socializing in one convenient place, without having people ridicule your disfigurements! At the KSK Message Board, you'll be able to:

-Type!
-Wait for responses!
-Type again!
-Argue with people you don't know!

What could be better? It's a revolution, I tell you.

Anyway, it's up and it's live. Hope you enjoy.

I like the way you walk, when you walk on by I like the way you move, I like you baby

Got that good hair too...I like girls with that light complexion, look...I can't help it...I'm a victim...the man has programmed my condition...even my conditioning has been conditioned.

I couldn't think of a better way to introduce you to my new love than by quoting the lyrics of one of the best songs off of one of the best albums of all time (and quoting the song's hilarious intro which was sampled from the forgotten movie Chameleon Street). Now I'd like you all to meet my future, her name is Michelle and she's a local.

This my friends, is a well-built young woman.

Even though she's a Maryland Terrapin (what are you too good for Howard?) Michelle is perfect for me, just take a look at some of her favorite things.

Food: I love so many foods I can't choose.
Yeah, I'm right there with you sweetie. This is only a good thing as long as she stays in game shape.

Music: I like everything from country to rap, but hip hop is my favorite for the moment.
Country? I'm just going to assume that's her way of pandering to all the misfit Redskins fans.

Band/Singer: Jadakiss
Now I know it's meant to be! My old fantasy football league was called the D Blockers (and I love LOX on my bagels).

Book: "Girl With a Pearl Earring"
Well I was hoping for something slightly different. How about we change the earring to a necklace and "book" to "magazine" and we're in business.

Redskins Player: Ladell Betts
You've got to love a hot ass cheerleader who roots for the backup. Of course Ladell is the man, but she'd never leave me for him. He's Mike Sellers' bitch.

Movie: Office Space
Office Space is definitely not my favorite movie, but I wouldn't expect to see Rashomon. Damn it feels good to be a gangster.

TV Show: House
I really did enjoy House for awhile (now that shit's all fucked up), of course I'd watch anything as long as I could rest my head on an ample bosom.

Cartoon: South Park
Michelle, you are the most beautiful woman in the World...of Warcraft.


Describe your perfect date: As long as I'm having fun, it's perfect.
CHEAP! More money for booze!

What is your favorite thing to do when you're not at practice: Relax!
I assume that when she says "relax!" she really means "nap after full day of fucking!"

An intrepid reader happened to notice Michelle's favorite saying, "You never know until you try."
Rumph!!! Rumph!!! Rumph!!!

Michelle's Bio

We Interrupt Your Regularly Scheduled Bukkake Joke for an Important Self-Promotional Message

Friends, drunkards, delightfully trashy female readers:

As KSK's resident self-promotional whore, I would be remiss to not mention that, against all odds and someone's good judgment, Kissing Suzy Kolber has been nominated for Best Sports Blog in the 2006 Weblog Awards.

Obviously, the most important thing to do now is discredit the award as being inherently meaningless for its methodology (Internet poll in which you can vote once a day) and for its return (there is no cash reward, no trophy, not even an awards ceremony where we can get drunk).

On the other hand, it would be cool to win. Not because we want to win, of course -- it doesn't matter to our disaffected, sardonic souls -- but because it would expose the fraudulent voting system: you see, we have no business winning Best Sports Blog. We do, however, rock harder than all the rest combined. A look at the competition (number of votes at 11 a.m. Eastern in parentheses), whom I have rudely failed to link because I'm lazy and hung over...

Ben Maller (12)
On the payroll for FOXsports.com, Ben Maller collects sports rumors and interesting tidbits from the beat reports of newspapers around the country. Hey, cutting and pasting is hard!

TrueHoop (8)
The depth of Henry Abbott's b-ball knowledge is amazing, and his dedication to being at the leading edge of all pertinent discussions about the NBA is nonpareil. He's the godfather of the NBA blogosphere. He's more dedicated than everyone at KSK combined.

But lemme ask you this: when was the last time he made a dick joke? That's what I thought.

Deadspin (86)
Never heard of it.

Mister Irrelevant (11)
Jamie Mottram is a true mensch and quite possibly the epicenter of blogger legitimacy. But you don't want to vote for AOL, do you? That's like cheering for U.S. Steel.

The Blue-Gray Sky (4)
Unlike Deadspin, I had ACTUALLY never heard of this, so I googled it. The top of the page has the blog's title; the subheader reads "a Notre Dame scrapbook."

F-minus.

Blogcritics Sports (37)
Our esteemed commenter "Suss~~" is actually the editor of Blogcritics Sports. If you're not aware of Blogcritics, here's what it says on their Wikipedia page:

The site—a self-proclaimed "sinister cabal of superior bloggers"—offers a wide range of articles focusing on popular culture in such categories as Music, Books, TV/Film, Sports, and Gaming. In addition, it features Politics and Culture sections dealing with a broader range of cultural issues. At the time of this writing, Blogcritics currently features more than 400 original articles a week and maintains an archive of over 37,000 posts.

Sure, that sounds nice, but I used Blogcritics' search tool to look for posts that mentioned "bukkake" and here's what I got:

Sorry, we couldn't find any Web pages matching your criteria.
400 posts a week and no bukkake? Every time I go into our SiteMeter referrals somebody found KSK by searching bukkake. Nuff said.

the mighty mjd (3)
Now with 80% more links to the FanHouse!

Full Throttle (15)
I hadn't heard of this one, either. Turns out it's about motorcycles and stuff. In other words, it's the token Asian in the Cabinet. Full Throttle Sports: the Secretary of Education of sports blogs!

Baseball Musings (84)
About the site's author: Used to work for STATS, Inc. Used to work for ESPN. Writes about baseball. Doesn't tell jokes.

Listen, I'm not going to say it's a lame blog, because there are all sorts of basement-dwelling library-masturbating freaks who get off on paying attention to baseball stats. I'm sure it's a very good blog. On the other hand, it's our duty as Americans to ensure that this doesn't win best sports blog. Every vote for Baseball Musings is a vote for Al Gore when Chad Johnson is on the ballot.

Kissing Suzy Kolber (72)

Allow me to tell you the story of how KSK came to be.

I started my personal blog, Karmic Payback, solely to write about the Brazilian girl (whom I had never met) that stayed as a guest in my apartment for a week. When she left, I wrote a post that said, basically, what should I write about now? And that's when Big Daddy Drew left a comment that read -- and I quote -- "CC, what if we made this a group NFL blog? I've yet to see a fairly decent one."

So there you go. Kissing Suzy Kolber exists because I nailed a Brazilian girl. What else do you want out of a sports blog?

Polls are open until December 15th. You can vote once every 24 hours.

Steve Irwin Memorial Meast Of The Week - Week 13

Some quick hits for the Meast post this week:

-Every six months, I go to the dentist so that they can rape my mouth with piano wire floss and x-ray cardboard. It's official: there is no dentist left on Earth that will not try and sell you shit. Even the good ones. I fucking hate it.

"Do you want fluoride?"

No.

"Do you want whitening?"

No.

"There's something called Invisalign..."

No.

"I think you need an electric toothbrush."

HEY TOOTH BOY, CLEAN MY FUCKING TEETH AND LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE! YOU FUCKING FUCK!

They've also instituted a new gum check exam, where they poke the gum around each tooth SIX FUCKING TIMES with a sharp instrument to gauge your gum level. They know that shit isn't necessary. Motherfuckers. Couldn't even get a real medical degree. Dentists can take a Sexy Rexy fastball right up the ass.

-Speaking of motherfuckers, I saw an ad castigating aggressive drivers the other day. Where was the ad placed? ON THE SIDE OF A BUS. Bus drivers, that's pretty rich. Because you people are the biggest asshole drivers the planet has ever known. It doesn't matter what kind of bus - school bus, Metrobus, short bus, that bus that goes from one Chinatown to another Chinatown (the reason Asian car companies make small cars is so Asian drivers will inflict less damage) - every one is driven by some pushy asshole who treats regular cars like potential road kill. Why don't you go to dental school if you like aggravating people so much? Dicks.

-Tomorrow is the single most annoying day on the sports calendar. That's right. It's the Unnecessary Saturday Of No Football. Hey NFL, the college season ended last week. We don't need a breather. Put games on Saturday a fucking week early. Do you want me to spend more time with my family? Is that what you want?! I don't think it is. Figure out the calendar, dipshits. Because college football officials will never realize that placing weeks between the regular season and bowls makes them the only sport with a postseason less meaningful than its regular season. College Football: It's Where Momentum Goes To Die.

-We bought a new bed a few weeks back, which is what happens when you turn 30 and your wife decides she doesn't like saving money. The thing came and the dudes assembled it. Within 10 minutes of laying on it, the support beams underneath snapped in half and the bed collapsed. People assume one of two things when you break a bed:

1) You are a fucking fatass.
2) The sex was just fucking nuclear.

Neither of those things were true. You've seen me shirtless. I am a svelte delight. There are certainly people fatter than me, at the very least. Worst of all, we bought the bed through the store my mother-in-law works at.

"How did you break the bed?"

We were laying on it.

"But the manufacturer said nothing like that has ever happened."

Good fucking Lord, I'm telling you: if the sex was that good, I'd take out an ad to let people know.

"Well, you must have done something."

Guhhhh.

Onto the Meast. Your Meast of the Week is Lorenzo Neal of the Chargers.


Lorenzo is the road grader who is currently paving out a record season for LaDainian Tomlinson. Along with Steroid Boy Gigantosaur, that gives the Chargers a KSK-leading three SIMMOW awards. Are they the meastiest team in the NFL? I'd say they are.

And remember, if you have a question for the very first KSK Reader Mail Bukkake column, email me at drsteuss1@yahoo.com.

Big Daddy Drew Opens Up His Enormous Sack

I'll be honest, I don't know if we have enough readership to do a regular reader mail feature here. But I'm open to giving it a shot. Therefore, I'd like to introduce to you the KSK Reader Mail Bukkake.

If you have a question for me, or you'd like to make a comment (but are too lazy to register for Blogger, or are dyslexic and have had your confidence destroyed by the Word Verification), simply click "Email Big Daddy Drew" over on the right and let me know! I'll be sure to answer with the cheapest, most gratuitous dick joke possible. Or, if clicking on the right is too hard, just email me at drsteuss1@yahoo.com (See that? It's like Dr. Seuss, only modified to echo the name of former Vikings tackle Todd Steussie! Isn't that clever?!). Or email any of our other fine contributors here over on the side. Only don't try and reach Falco. The Feds will bug your house and deport your nanny.

I, and my fine colleagues, will do our best to answer any question you might have about the NFL, Claymation Christmas specials, reporters' daughters, or anything else you might have in mind. We'll even answer hate mail, because hate is what binds us all together in love and harmony.

Be sure to leave the name you want credited on your email, and if you want us to link to a site of yours, we'll happily do that as well. After all, we gay blogging folk are in this together. It's like communism, but with tits.

Now, we can't guarantee we'll post every question. If, perchance, you suck, then we may skip over you. But let's see if we can make this work. After all, this is a blog. And I'm running out of ideas. So let's get excited about this bitch!

The Island of Unfit Teams

Every year, while the rest of the NFL is huddled around the hearth of success, counting their trophies or awaiting the bounty of more to come, representatives of the teams that have never experienced the heavenly ardor of the Super Bowl meet at an undisclosed community outreach center to commiserate and swap tales of woe. KSK was able to get a transcript of the annual Summit of Shame, with the Lions, Browns, Jaguars, Cardinals, Texans and Saints.

King Millenracer: A team is never truly happy until it experiences the warming, glowing, warming glow of a Super Bowl appearance. And a person is never happy until they have the absurd job security that I have to derail my team every season despite the wishes of its fans.

Charlie Frye in the Box: I just don't know how much longer I can go on like this. Elway raped me in the '80s, Modell raped me in the '90s, then went to the Super Bowl with Baltimore. And the fucking Steelers won it again last year. Parity, my ass. It just crushes me every year to wake up in February and not be part of the most wonderful, wonderful, wonderful day of the ye-

Buzzsaw with a Beak: Okay, great. Where the fuck is the coffee? How am I supposed to stay awake through this namby-pamby support group pussytalk without some of that gourmet shit Seahawk brings every year? Where is that asshole anyway?

Millenracer: Weren't you paying attention last year?

Buzzsaw: What? Oh, no. I usually tune out around Week 6, depending on when our bye is. Hurts less that way.

Charlie Frye in the Box: Well, yeah, they made it. The Seahawks went to the Bowl.

Buzzsaw: No shit? Well good for him. Glad that asshole is doing something productive with the two wins I give him every season. How'd he do?

Millenracer: Mmmm, not so good, I'm afraid. I called him afterwards and he muttered something about the refs and it kind of got ugly from there.

Buzzsaw: I hear ya. Fucking refs, always keeping us down. Everytime I'm about to turn it around and go on a winning tear, I lose a game to the fucking 49ers or something - all because I commit, like, 13 penalties or some shit. Put it in yer ear then yer rear, you damn zebras.

Patron Saint of Losing: Hey, don't look now, fellas. I'm 8-4 and atop my division. This my year. I can feel it in my fleur de lis. I'm the sentimental favorite. I even got Kornheiser making impassioned narrations of the travails about my city's fans before my games. And not just because I suck Manning balls.

Buzzsaw: Uh-huh, yeah, sure, pal. I think even I've won more playoff games than you have. Be sure to bring more gumbo next year. And try to have fewer body parts in it, huh?

A Texan You Can Mess With: If I could cut in for a sec, uh, I mean, why do I even have to come to this thing? I haven't been in league for more than five years. I mean, the Lions and the Browns, those are some fucking losers. But me, I still have time.

A Wire That Doesn't Jiggy: Same here. Okay, so I haven't tttteeeechnically gotten to the Super Bowl yet, but I've been in striking distance a few times, in only 12 seasons. And I've had a winning record in seven of them, ferchrissakes.

Charlie Frye in the Box: Bully for you, Jag Hag. Millenracer and I have each won four NFL Championships, back in an era when pro football was real football, meaning it was barely relevant.

Patron Saint of Losing: And let's be honest: your quarterbacks are, respectively, David Garrard and David Carr. Fine guys, I'm sure, but let's just say you can count on coming here the next few years at least.

Millenracer: Losers, losers - let's be civilized here. We may be the laughingstock of the league, but it's the finest sports league in the world. We're all worth at least eight pathetic hockey teams and four shitty baseball teams, and maybe three of four basketball teams, I'm not up on the figures. For that, we can be thankful. That, and revenue sharing. Give us your money, winners!

Ask Yukon Cornelius!

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer airs Friday night. And if you don't like Rudolph, then the ghost of Burl Ives cordially invites you to suck his eggnog-dipped balls. Rudolph is the tits. It's got racism, lust ("Now's your chance to make acquaintances with that doe!"), violent monsters that like fucking shit up ("He's mean! He's nasty! And he hates everything to do with Christmas!"). Plus, if you don't like Christmas, Santa comes off like a real douchebag, who blatantly discriminates based on nose color and fancies himself a vicious elf choir taskmaster. Plus, he's got an inexplicably Italian wife ("Now, that's-a my Santa!"), whose voracious appetite for a sexy, chubby husband makes Christmas the horniest time of year.

I also thoroughly enjoy the blatant 1950's sexism involved. My favorite two lines:

Mrs. Donder wanted to go along, naturally, but Donder said, "NO, this is man's work."

Yeah, Mrs. Donder! You get your bitch ass in the kitchen and whip up some meringue mushrooms for your man. He'll be home soon enough, and then you can suck his antlers.

But Mrs. Donder blatantly disobeys Donder and goes out. And what happens? She totally gets trapped by the Abominable Snow Monster of the North. See what happens when you don't listen, missy? You just made man's work that much more difficult! Now Yukon Cornelius has fallen off the cliff!

Well, they were all very sad at the loss of their friend. But they realize that the best thing to do is to get the women back to Christmastown.

No shit. Those women venturing out of the house have stirred up nothing but trouble. When Donder gets you back to Christmastown, he's handcuffing you to the bed. Harlot.

Anyway, my favorite character from Rudolph is, without a doubt, one Yukon Cornelius. Who is Yukon Cornelius?! Pfft. Only THE GREATEST MUTHAPHUCKKIN' PROSPECTOR IN THE NORTH! This is his land! So don't be fuckin' with him!

Anyway, Yukon was nice enough to stop by our little AWARD-NOMINATED site to answer any questions you have about the NFL and football in general. Let it rip, everyone!

Yukon! 'Sup, big fella?! To what do you attribute the success of Holley Mangold on the football field? - Karen, Albany

Didn't I tell you about Bumbles? Bumbles bounce!

Yukon, how will my Saints do if they make the playoffs? - Larry, Baton Rouge

I love the Saints! They're made of gold! Goooooooooooold!!!! Whoooopppeeeeee!!!! (throws pickaxe up in the air, then licks it vigorously) Nothin'.

Yukon, Scoop Jackson tried to get inside the mind of TO. What do you think is going on inside his brain? - Tom, Plano, TX

"It's one for... uh, and four for... ahhh, fuck it! Let's get some shut eye!"

Dear Yukon, I feel like a misfit and that no one here likes me. - Jeff G., Philadelphia

How do you like that? Even among misfits, you're a misfit! And a queer!

Yukon, what's goin' on with our Raiders? Is Al Davis ever gonna fucking die? - Bubb Rubb, Oakland

I love the Raiders! They're made of silver! SILLLLLLLLLLLVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But I thought you liked gold. - Larry, Baton Rouge

I changed my mind!

Hey Yukon, remember that playoff game Philly and Chicago played a long ways back? - Tim, Evanston

Oh, yeah! Fog was thick as peanut butter!

You mean pea soup.

You eat what you like and I'll eat what I like!

Yukon, how can my Colts get past the Pats once the playoffs come around again? I'm sick of this shit happenin' every year! - Bill, Indianapolis

You'll have to outwit the fiend Bill Belichick with your superior intelligence. Find a married woman for him to bang, and run like crazy!

Hey, you sort of look like me! - Mike H., Seattle
Me, too! - Andy R., Philadelphia

What?! No way. Let's see you two fatties rock the handlebar. Then we can talk.

Yukon, can the Broncos succeed with a rookie at QB for a playoff run? Do you ever remember a switch like this happening so late? If Cutler doesn't play well, what does Mike Shanahan do? - Diane, Boulder

Uh... uh... unmush?

You're not much of an NFL analyst. Even Sean Salisbury has more to say - Diane, Boulder


Well, what do you expect, lady? I'm a friggin' clay prospector.