The early indications based on our discussions with league sources are that Favre will announce his retirement from the NFL at a Wednesday press conference [scheduled for 12:30 p.m. ET]... here's what we know -- a response from one member of the organization to a direct question regarding whether Favre is calling it quits today did not have the "No way in hell!" or "I'm looking into this right now!" quality that would be expected upon hearing that The Franchise is walking away in the middle of training camp.
Oh man, this could totally fuck up Peter King's fantasy league.
Phew, with the Peter King joke out of the way, I can rest easy. I'm not going to make a hurricane joke, I'm not going to make a painkiller joke, I'm not going to make a "Brett Favre just loves to play football!" joke. After the five-month "Will he or won't he?" cocktease that nobody cared about but was relentlessly jammed down our throats by the media, I, for one, refuse to give a shit.
But hear this now: If the rumor is true, and the Legendary Brett Favre repays his offensive line's recent incompetence by hanging the Packers out to dry in the middle of the preseason, check back here tomorrow for what we expect to be the single greatest thing Big Daddy Drew has ever written. UPDATE: Motherfucker. Apparently it's just a standard media something-or-other. Damn you, Brett Favre! Shit or get off the pot, man! When will this nightmarish media merry-go-round end???
UPDATE from Drew: Fuck you, PFT. You West Virginia cockteases. This is not the morning you want to fuck with me. I hope Koren Robinson dates your daughters.
We in the sports world know Jacksonville for two things: its lone professional sports team, the Jaguars, and its ability to host a Super Bowl that sportswriters bitched about endlessly.
Oh, but the things this vile 'ville have visited upon our culture - from a nu-metal-rap supergroup that captured the imagination of the Dead Tree Crew for years to come, to emo scum Yellowcard, and slow... ass... rapping... Ma$e... is... from... there... as... well. It's also the most populous city in Florida. This means the city has more Floridians than any other place in existence, save the line snaking up to St. Peter. And Jacksonville is named for Andrew Jackson. Yes, Old Hickory, the ugliest motherfucking president ever. God, he makes us look like us put Max Shreck on the twenty. Can't wait until Bushopolis gets a team.
So what I'm saying is Jacksonville is a festering, feculent blight on our otherwise proud nation.
But the Jags are coming around again to the respectability they enjoyed in the late '90s. In three years under Jack Del Rio, they've gone from 5-11 in '03 to 9-7 in '04 to 12-4 last year. Hell, they were the only team to beat both Super Bowl teams last year - even if the win over the Steelers was courtesy of a Tommy Maddox special.
Byron Leftwich continues to amaze by being the most gifted athlete in the NFL when playing while hurt. Fred Taylor astounds us by how often he gets hurt.
And their punter, Chris Hanson, has given us endless grist for the pederast mill with his weekly exposes on Dateline. Keep fighting the good fight, Chris.
Their offense took a hit in the offseason with the retirement of that guy from NYPD Blue and the West Wing and in response, the team picked every fucking player that ever went to UCLA in the draft, including a fine luxury automobile on loan from the campus.
With Smith gone, the passing game looks to the deceptively fast, deceptively tall, deceptively white quarterback-turned-receiver Matt Jones. His was a decent rookie campaign last year, you know, for a white guy. He scored five white touchdowns and gained 432 white yards. Let's hope he can generate something -- even though the defense is stout and they were 12th in the NFL in scoring, it seemed like the Jags won all of their games 13-7.
This is a big year for you, Jaguars; things are on the up-and-up, but you're still trailing your '95 expansion brothers, the Panthers. When you both made a conference title game in your second season, we all took notice. Frankly, we were impressed. But the Panthers've been to a Super Bowl. Win or lose, that puts them ahead. That makes them the Marlins to your Rockies, the Diamondbacks to your Devil Rays. You don't want to be the fucking Devil Rays, do you? The Devil Rays don't wanna be the Devil Rays.
Before I get to my notes from last night's Raiders-Vikes tilt, I'd like to show you this quote from Michael Smith in an ESPN.com article about Sean Taylor:
Redskins outside linebacker Marcus Washington has dubbed Taylor 'Meast,' as in, half-man, half-beast.
That's right. Meast. What a filthy, disgusting word. I know the Skins think it says half-man, half-beast. But what it really says is half-meat, half-moist. And that is just wrong. It sounds like something you'd see in a Tool video. Guhhhhhh. I want Meast added to the KSK lexicon immediately. There should be at least 20 different definitions for it on Urban Dictionary. Let's try using it in a few sentences:
-"I like Andrew Blake's movies, but he tends to show an awful lot of meast." -"The Manhole has 'Feast on Meast Night' every Thursday night! Just bring your $20 cover and a bottle of corn syrup." -"Yup, that's a meast infection." -"I thought the smell was coming from my taint, but it turns out the meast was the problem!"
Anyway, let's go right to my thoughts on last night's Raiders-Vikings preseason tilt. This was the debut of Tony Kornheiser on Monday Night Football, which is actually just Sunday Night Football, but on Mondays. Sunday Night Football is the new Monday Night Football. And if that confuses you, just remember: the junior varsity broadcast is the one that has Joe Theismann. Let's go!
-As a Viking fan, I was very excited for tonight's game. Until I realized that the Vikings are the only team that can give a 9-7 season a real 3-13 sheen. Good thing they're playing the Raiders!
-I missed the opening of the broadcast, and that's for the best. ESPN is keeping the Hank Williams song for the opening, except they've added an "all-star" band of Little Richard, Joe Perry, Steve Van Zandt, and others to back Hank up. It won't help. The song is dogshit. I am ready for football. I am not ready for NASCAR. That's for Southern fuckfaces. So ditch the song already, ESPN.
-ESPN used two sideline reporters for the game, which reminds me of an old Dennis Miller line: "Hey folks, two of SHIT is SHIT. If they really wanted to fuck you, they'd give you three of these things."
-The new ESPN score box completely fucks me up. It doesn't just look like the Arkanoid. It is the Arkanoid. When it needs to display down-and-distance, it swallows the E powerup and extends out. I expected the football to split into three at any moment, or for the score box to start firing at shit.
-This is the first game to take place right after the Portis injury, so the Vikings needed to protect their most prominent offensive player: uh... guard Steve Hutchinson. Patriots owner Bob Kraft said giving a $16 million bonus to a guard was "insane." Pfft. What does he know about building a winning team? Hey Kraft, go make me some spaceship macaroni, you douche.
-There was a black Viking fan in the stands. Just want it noted. And no, it wasn't Morris Day.
-The first quarter rolled by, and Tony Kornheiser said a grand total of about four words. But we got a glimpse of Tony's potential later on. Tony mentioned that Raiders' o-coordinator Tom Walsh had been out of football running a bed and breakfast (I assume Walsh provides a lovely basket of fresh muffins and danishes at all team meetings). Joe Theismann then, for no reason, stated that Walsh will be more prepared to return to football than Joe Gibbs was. Tony spent the next ten minutes needling Theismann over it, with Theismann (being Theismann) sticking to his opinion for dear life despite its obvious stupidity. We need at least two exchanges like this per quarter to make this whole experiment work.
-Theismann: "I just love Randy Moss on my football team." Uh, okay.
-New Vikings coach Brad Childress is too thin. He looked like the test administrator played by Frank Oz in "Spies Like Us." Aaaaghhh, the pressure!!!!!!
-Good to see Michele Tafoya stealing from Hilary Clinton's wardrobe.
-Dan Marino showed up in an ad for Nutrisystem. Hey, fatties, if a multimillionaire world-class athlete can lose weight, so can you!
-The Vikings traded two third-round picks to move up to draft QB Tarvaris Jackson. Jackson's first action was last night. He was poised, quick, and made good decisions. I'm totally gay for him.
-Since I work in advertising, I'll give you the expert opinion that the Jaguar XK ads are totally spankworthy.
-The Vikes debuted their new unis this game, which looked like something out of the World League of American Football. I can't wait to see them play the Orlando Thunder next week. The World League was headed up by former Vikes GM Mike Lynn, who also engineered the Herschel Walker trade. Quite a resume.
-Suzy Kolber to Aaron Brooks: "What have you been most proud about in your career?" I imagine it was the time Brooks went 12-23 for 184 yards and 3 INT's after downing an entire bottle of Hypnotiq. Seriously, are you fucking kidding me with that question?
-Another Kolber gem to Brooks: "What's it like to get used to Randy Moss' ad-lib style of play?" Oh, I'm sure he loves it when his wideout walks five yards and then sits down on the weak side of the play.
-The biggest play of the game? A 67-yard bomb from Andrew Walter to Morant (No idea on the first name. Tim?). Get used to one good play per game, Raider fans. After that, it's nothing but hideous crowd shots of people like yourself.
-More Kolber. She interviewed 500-lb. lineman and inevitable "Best Damn Sports Show" co-host Warren Sapp. She asked him how being injured last year made him better. That question made my meast itch.
-I made it to halftime of this game, just in time to watch the "Fastest 3 Minutes in Football" segment. Do the people at ESPN know that halftime is 15 minutes long? Take your fucking time. Jesus.
Those are the game notes. I thought the ESPN crew was fairly decent. Tirico was bland, Theismann was mildly improved without Paul MaGuire there to dumb him down even further, and Kornheiser showed promise. The Vikings looked good passing, mediocre running, and great on defense. And the Raiders looked God-awful. But that's the beauty of preseason. Wait until the Raiders un-gel. Then they'll really suck.
UPDATE: The Vikings appear to have lost first-round pick Chad Greenway for the year last night. Fuck. I mean, really. Fuck.
A lot of us look at the photo below and see two burly, capable quarterbacks, men of questionable intellect but unlimited passion. We see this photo and we grasp for the first joke that comes to mind: "Well, Ben's a step up from Brenda, and Kurt's a step up from Steeler groupies."
Not satisfied with the obvious joke, J.E. Skeets of The Basketball Jones, author of the "Romance on the Hardwood" series, sees the kind of awkward meeting that unrequited love produces. Please welcome KSK's first-ever guest columnist, J.E. Skeets.
“Truly Madly Deeply” by Savage Garden.
Ben: Oooooo … I love this song. Kurt: Mm, one of Garden’s best. Ben: Oh, definitely. Kurt: Yeah. Ben: Without a doubt. Kurt: Yeah.
Kurt: So … Ben: So … Kurt: So … let me have a look at you then. You okay? Ben: Me? Yeah, fine. Never felt better. Kurt: Have you thanked Him yet? Ben: Who? Kurt: God. You know God was riding with you that day, right? Ben: Oh, yeah, for sure. Actually, He’s the real reason I crashed. Shifty Bastard wouldn’t stop tickling me from behi-- Kurt: Please. Ben: I’m kidding, I’m kidding.
Kurt: Well, you’re very lucky to be alive, Banjo. You should thank Him sometime. Ben: Wow, Banjo? I haven’t heard that in a while. Kurt: Oh, I remember… Ben: Was that the time we went up to Lake Guilford for the weekend? Kurt: It is. Ben: But what was it again? Were we picnicking or something? Kurt: Yeah, we were picnicking and that old man with the banjo came up behind us, just strummin’ away like crazy, and you, you just thought that ol’ banjo was the most beautiful instrument you had ever heard. Ben: Is that where it’s from? That’s sort of weird. Kurt: And we were eating salmon sandwiches. Ben: Wow. Kurt: I remember that because you just wouldn’t stop going on about how amazing that olive and onion relish I made tasted. Ben: Yeah, okay … wow, how you remember that? Kurt: The best times of your life aren’t easy to forget, Ben. Ben: Mm, yeah, it was pretty good. Good times.
Kurt: I want to bathe with you in the sea. Ben: Excuse me? Kurt: Oh, ha, sorry. The lyrics: I want to stand with you on a mountain; I want to bathe with you in the sea… Ben: Oh, right. [Awkward silence]
Kurt: Was that weird? Ben: Was what weird? Kurt: That, right there. You know, when I said I wanted to bathe with you in the sea because I started think-- Ben: Yeah, yeah … no, it’s cool. You were just singing the song, right? Kurt: Well… Ben: Oh come on Kurt, can we not just leave it alone? It was a good weekend; nothing more, nothing less. Kurt: A good weekend? Ben: Yeah, a good weekend. Look, we had some beers, shared a few laughs – two dudes just hanging out camping. Kurt: Bathing each other... Ben: For Christ’s sake Kurt! Kurt: Hey! You will not take the Lord’s name in vain! Ben: Easy, easy. I’m sorry. Kurt: Apologize to Him. Ben: I said I’m sorry. Kurt: Say it to Him, not me. Ben: I just did. Kurt: Say it to the sky. Ben: What? No. Kurt: SAY IT TO THE SKY! Ben: Whoa, would you settle the fuck down? Jeeees-- Kurt: Go ahead. Do it. Ben: I didn’t say it! Kurt: No, no, no … you want to. Go ahead. Say it. Ben: Hahaha… Kurt: Well? Ben: Jesus Christ. Kurt: That’s it, I’m gone. Goodbye. Ben: Kurt, I’m kidding. Hahaha... Where are you going?
Kurt: Um, I don’t know how you plan on getting there, but if you take your bike, may I suggest you wear a helmet this time. Rumor has it Hell’s roads are a bitch. Ben: Kurt, come back. I was just kidding. I love God. He’s neat.
Tonight we offer you, the KSK reader, the opportunity to get into our collective heads. If you've ever asked what it's like to carry on a constant conversation with fellow bloggers while watching a crappy yet humorous game of Sunday Night Football then here's your answer...
MMP: Sup, it's MMP
UM: Chillin’, waiting for the Chinese food
MMP: Joe Gibbs having headset issues
MMP: Getting pizza here, chilling with We Must Protect This Hoff
UM: I just switched over to NBC, I was caught up in The Amazing Panda Adventure on Telemundo
MMP: NFC East is a jump ball, says Madden. The Redskins need to work on their power hitting, three-pt shooting, and their power play
MMP: I think the field is on fire
MMP: Those pandas are bad-ass!
UM: Carson Palmer looks like the Pope dressed in all white...beautiful
MMP: He is the savior
MMP: I am making an effort to spell and punctuate correctly the first time. We'll see how that lasts.
UM: Fuck thet shit
***The Redskins are ready for action, here's your first play***
MMP: Portis drags half the Bengals for 8 yards. No one on D was arrested
UM: Clinton Portis cannot be stopped, or contained for that matter
MMP: Yeah, I don't like the burgundy pants either.
***Captain Caveman has entered the chat***
***Brandon Lloyd lays out to catch an overthrown ball from Brunell***
CC: That Lloyd catch was the balls
UM: Brandon Lloyd may or may not be Superman.
MMP: hamster in the TP tube says thumbs down as well
UM: Seriously people, watch out for Mike Sellers, he's an ex coke dealer who can carry a bus on his back.
***Brunell floats up a misguided pass and watches it fall into the hands of the defense. Clinton Portis makes a great tackle on the return but he took the worst of it.***
CC: I can't believe they didn't give us a replay of the shot Portis delivered there
UM: I know, fucking Peacock
CC: They're definately working out kinks -- what was up w/ that herky-jerk sideline shot?
UM: I think they're smoking crack in the NBC production trailer UM: If Brunnel throws off his back foot one more time I'm going to chop it off
MMP: Nice INT. Sweet ass hit on the return.
UM: If Portis is really hurt I'm going to jump off of a large building
***Cincy takes control on offense very briefly***
UM: The Skins defense swarms like ill-tempered bees
UM: I'm fairly sure Todd Collins took the short bus to tonight's game
UM: Wait a minute...Chris Henry just caught a pass, who let him out of lockdown?
CC: As long as the skins keep turning it over outside of FG range, this should be a pretty exciting scoreless tie
***Anthony Wright takes another pounding in the pocket***
UM: I think Anthony Wright just shit his pants...nice spin move from Marcus
MMP: It was like hitting the circle button in NHL '05
***While trying to avoid a safety Collins throws another ball at his favorite lineman. The ruling is Intentional Grounding in the Endzone...2-0 to the 'Nati***
UM: Todd Collins has driven me to drug use
CC: like he couldn't decide between getting a safety or throwing another INT to a lineman
UM: Holy crap, he’s such a dipshit
UM: Well somebody had to score
CC: I desperately want this to be the final score
MMP: Todd Collins, Sour mix and bathtub gin?
CC: Skins should've signed KERRY Collins
UM: No way, we still have at least three Campbell to Espy td's coming in the second half
CC: I'm SO getting the fuck out of this chat before then
MMP: loving the Chad Johnson mohawk
UM: His head should be in a museum, it’s a work of art.
MMP: Hoff: he's channeling Viscera and the gold grill
***Marvin Lewis cracks open the playbook with a perfect flea flicker to TJ Whosyourdaddy***
MMP: Flea flicker!!
UM: Trickeration from Anthony Wright?
CC: TJ and Berman just wet themselves
UM: Housh just got run down by a white boy...deceptive baby
MMP: His last name was weighing him down
CC: He's tired from running from the police
CC: "Let's got to Cris... what's it like to not rate being the booth?"
UM: If there were a God in heaven he would send a lighting bolt to Cris Collinsworth's microphone
CC: Cris has got a lot more volume in hair than last season -- you think he changed shampoos?
MMP: His mousse budget got a boost, NBC put it in his deal
UM: His hair seems to be running full speed from his forehead
***Another Redskins player is down and he's not getting up...can you say MCL?***
MMP: Is the game still going on?
UM: Ah fuck
CC: How long can it be 2nd and goal?
MMP: They're trying the new 25-minute play clock...
UM: Clemons was wearing a cast before they even picked him up...bad news bears
CC: We're on track for 8 Redskins injuries by the end of the game
***Chris Henry begins the redemption process by hauling in a touchdown from Wright***
MMP: touchdown
UM: Now I'm pissed
MMP: Chris Henry
UM: CHRIS HENRY FOR MAYOR!!!
MMP: He has the right to score touchdowns, any play he makes will be used against his opponents
UM: do you think he crossed himself and gave props to Jesus after each arrest?
CC: First time he's scored in the presence of adults since last season
MMP: I know it
UM: ouch
CC: Did he change his # to 15 honor of his girlfriend?
MMP: nice
MMP: 15 to life
MMP: Andrea Kremer looks like shit
UM: Andrea Kremer just looks annoying...I think she's a wrinkly manequin
UM: Breaking News: Bengal fans dislike Jerome Bettis who is from Detroit
UM: Madden's got two bills on Bettis easy
***The game has gone into a fourth quarter festival of boredom***
UM: Well I think we're pretty close to wrapping up this chat session. I'd like to thank Mr. Chen's Organic Chinese for catering the event. On behalf of my friends Mos Def and Elvis Costello I bid you farewell from the UnsilentMansion…It's even bigger than the Sports Guy's!
Scores and highlights from a lame-ass weekend of NFL pre-season "action."
Friday Detroit 20, Denver 13: This game came down to the final play, which might have been exciting were it not the third-string determining the outcome of the game. Bad news for Detroit: game doesn't count. Bad news for Jake Plummer: Jay Cutler looked pretty damn good. Bad news for Jay Cutler: it was against the Lions... the Lions' second team, at that.
Tampa Bay 16, New York Jets 3: Chad Pennington played two series, looking strong after consecutive shoulder surgeries to his throwing arm. He even showed off his arm strength by going deep with a couple of 15-yard out patterns. Atlanta 26, New England 23: The big story coming out of Atlanta is punter/kicker Michael Koenen, who's looking to expand his punting and kickoff duties to include field goals afer making four of them against the Patriots. "I have reservations about it," Coach Jim Mora said. "I can't say he won the job. I liked what I saw tonight, but I'm concerned about having a guy do all three jobs." Yes, because punting five times throughout the course of three hours may make him too exhausted to kick a field goal.
New York Giants 17, Baltimore 16: Steve McNair survives one series uninjured. Punch lines Jeremy Shockey (concussion) and Ray Lewis (coach's decision) sit out. Wait a sec, Shockey's STILL got a concussion from that one hit in practice two weeks ago? Yeah, I have "concussions" on a lot of Monday mornings when the Sunday night game runs late.
San Francisco 28, Chicago 14: Brian Griese looked good for the Bears, suggesting that maybe Rex Grossman (3/11, 47 yards, one knee remaining) and Kyle Orton (4/9, 42 yards, .18 BAC) aren't the best choices to lead your franchise to an NFL championship. For the Niners, Alex Smith looked "strong... to quite strong" while "Bachelor" hunk Jesse Palmer played well enough to get a rose from coach Mike Nolan.
Saturday Arizona 21, Pitsburgh 13: Will Leitch rejoices at meaningless Buzzsaw victory; Arizonans rejoice at three hours of air-conditioning. Check KSK tomorrow morning for a VERY special feature on this game. Jacksonville 31, Miami 26: Jags throw 4 TD passes of 50+ yards; Nick Saban posts Craigslist ad after game looking for defensive backs. Daunte Culpepper and Byron Leftwich leave game surprisingly unhurt. Carolina 14, Buffalo 13: White receiver Drew Carter and former Seahawk Ken Lucas score first-quarter TDs to lead Panthros to meaningless win. Keyshawn Johnson shines, pleased to finally get the damn ball. J.P. Losman, Kelly Holcomb surprise no one by continuing to suck.
New Orleans 19, Tennessee 16: Tennessee mascot T-rac injures Saints QB Adrian McPherson (who?) with golf cart. No, that's not some kind of typo. High-profile rookie report: Reggie Bush? Very good at football. Vince Young? Not bad, not good, mild ankle sprain. Lendale White? Sat out for spitting on teammate. Second-year "veteran" update: Pacman Jones gets 15-yard misconduct penalty for taunting after tackling Bush after a catch. Good to see that he's grown up. Houston 24, Kansas City 14: Mario Williams didn't play very well. And there was much gnashing of teeth in Houston. The Chiefs, desperate to replace Willie Roaf after Roaf fucked up Drew's fantasy draft, played Kyle Turley at tackle. How Herm Edwards didn't get a helmet thrown at him is beyond me. San Diego 17, Green Bay 3: Brett Favre, zero interceptions. Jesus wept.
Dallas 13, Seattle 3: Seahawks hear blogger say that it's hard for opponents to win at Qwest, fail to realize they have to play hard for statement to be true. Tony Romo-sexual leads 'Boys to win without the aid of Bledsoe or T.O.
Sunday Cincinnati 19, Washington 3: Bengals' non-Johnson receivers look pretty good in easy win; Andrea Kremer most certainly does not. Residents of the capital prepare noose, stand on stool as they await news of Clinton Portis, who suffered a separated shoulder while slamming down a defender after one of the sixteen or seventeen INT's that Redskins QBs threw.
This is Eric Dickerson, Hall of Famer and obvious byproduct of an SMU education. From this photo, he may also have played Sam Ace nemesis Jheri Curl in "Hollywood Shuffle." You might remember Eric from his stint on Monday Night Football, where he somehow made the role of sideline reporter seem even more useless.
Well, get ready for an AFC season free of Eric and his ilk, because CBS has decided to get rid of sideline reporters for all of their NFL broadcasts, with a lone exception for the Super Bowl.
You'll have to excuse me for a moment while I pass out and slowly regain consciousness. It's been so long since a sports programming executive has made a logical decision that it's obvious to me that I have fallen into some sort of bizarre new dimension. If anything, I expected CBS to announce that they were using more sideline reporters, or that they had found a way to turn Jim Nantz into even more of an elitist dipshit, or that they decided to let all of Shannon Sharpe's 46 illegitimate children join him in the studio as contributors.
But no, CBS has decided to employ common sense. Which is both shocking and somewhat frightening to me. It's certainly something ESPN would never do. And I can't see FOX giving up on the black hole of aggressive stupidity that is Tony Siragusa ("I don't know about you guys in the booth, but down here on the field it's pretty hot!") It almost gives me hope that the NFL will be presented on television in a sensible, agreeable manner. Almost.
Anyway, guess you'll have to spend this year without shots of Jill Arrington in a tight sweater, or Bonnie Bernstein wearing a Russian fur hat when it's 50 degrees outside. It's a brave new world, one that will be free of questions like:
-"What do you have to do in the second half to get back on track?" -"Coach, you've gotta be pleased with your running game." -"What's Fred Taylor's status for the second half?" -"How do you stop (insert name of passer or runner)?"
I'm not sure how we'll live without those moments of complete and utter inanity. We'll just have to stick it out together.
NOTE: And, considering that a sideline reporter was the inspiration for this very site, this news almost makes me sad. But not really.
For those of you who aren't getting enough KSK in your life via our twice-daily postings, you can now listen to our manly voices on the Internet. Um... and by "our" I mean "my." AOL's Sports Bloggers Live invited your very own Captain Caveman for a brief interview during SBL's NFC West preview; I got about four minutes to talk about the Electric Power Tool that is the Seattle Seahawks after SI's Nunyo Demasio spoke for, like, forever. Apparently he gets to talk longer than I do because he has a "job" and people have "heard of him." As if that matters.
Anyway, you can enjoy the piece in all its aural goodness here; yours truly comes on shortly after the 14:30 mark. My sincerest thanks goes to Jamie Mottram and the fine folks at AOL Sports for inviting me to play with the big kids.
You know what really grinds my gears? This Meghan Vasconcellos. Meghan Vasconcellos with all those little outfits, jumping around there on the field, half-naked with your little outfits. You know? You're a... you're out there jumping around and I'm just sitting here with my beer. So, what am I supposed to do? What do you want? You know, are we gonna go out? Is that what you're trying to – why, why are you leaping around there, throwing those things all up in my, over there in my face? What do you want, Meghan? Tell me what you want? Well, I'll tell you what you want, you want nothing. You want nothing. All right? Because we all know that no woman anywhere wants to have sex with anyone, and to titillate us with any thoughts otherwise is - is just bogus.
Welcome to another installment of KSK's ongoing series, Better Know a Team. Today, the New England Patriots.
There's not much going for Boston these days. The Celtics and Bruins have stopped existing altogether, the Red Sox just got swept by the Royals to kick off their late-summer meltdown, and even the vaunted Masshole fans don't bitch with quite the same authority or volume that they used to. Just ask a Patriots fan: he'll tell you that the Pats-Broncos playoff game last January was the worst-officiated game of the postseason, yet somehow the Seattle fans bitched about their team's raw deal more loudly and more famously.
Be ashamed, Boston. Be very ashamed. When your fans are getting out-bitched by fans from the West Freaking Coast, you've lost the edge. (Of course, Steelers fans will point out that their team got the worst calls of the playoffs yet still managed to win. Assholes. Like, okay, good point, but not everybody gets lucky enough to play Peyton Manning when it counts.)
Bent over and ready
What else are Boston fans talking about? According to Bill Simmons -- and this thought is echoed by friends of mine from New England -- they want the cool uniforms in which they won championships gone, and the pansy-ass Pat Patriot brought back. Hey, I understand being nostalgic -- I'm cheering for the Seahawks while they wear a perversion of blue and electric green, after all -- but seriously? Shut the fuck up and enjoy your tasteful new uniforms. Be glad you're not in monochromatic burgundy or something.
Not all that gay, given the presence of a tri-corner hat
The fans, bloated with the delight of four championships in as many years, have lost their edge, a sure harbinger of the next three generations of championship-less Boston sports. To celebrate, I've compiled the top five things to watch as the Patriots dynasty crumbles like a statue of Ozymandias:
1.Ohmahgah Tom Brady is the clutchest quarterback ever and he's so sexy what a true leader we love you Tom LOLOL!!! I'm calling bullshit on Tom Brady. I'm not questioning his abilities as player, mind you, but as a playa. Listen, there's no denying that Bridget Moynahan is hot. She is a positively beautiful woman. But she's seven years older than Brady -- she turns 36 in a month. At that age the only role available to her is the token old-but-hot chick on "Law & Order: We're Running Out of Names." I'm sorry, but if I were a three-time Super Bowl-winning quarterback and I had a jaw cut from granite, I'd feel entitled to a Victoria's Secret model, not someone whose biggest role was in The Recruit (plus: ew, she touched Colin Farrell).
Anyway, the rumors that they had broken up started last February when Brady was seen in Detroit partying and hitting on women. This was, you may recall, about the same time as his Super Bowl coin toss, ranked by an ESPN.com SportsNation poll as the most clutch coin toss in all of sports history.
2.Bill Belichick is going to lose his shit. Maybe not this year, maybe not the next, but someday, when the Los Angeles Saints become the 31st team to steal a Belichick protege by hiring his 17-year-old offensive coordinator, Coach Bill is going to flip out and start nailing every married forty-something receptionist in New Jersey.
3.Adam Vinatieri, Indianapolis Colt. Nope, no chance this will come back to bite them in the ass.
4.Tedy Bruschi, delicate yet resilient. In one of 2005's least publicized stories, linebacker Tedy Bruschi, who suffered an offseason stroke that was caused by a hole in his heart, returned to play midway through the season, shoring up a defense that had previously looked like this. (Do you think the surgeon who worked on Bruschi listened to music in the O.R.? I would have gone with Clarence Carter and Extreme on loop.)
Right now Bruschi's out with a broken wrist-- wait, WHAT? A broken wrist and he's not playing? And I was led to believe he was a warrior. Yawn. Wake me up when he comes back from Hodgkin's Disease or, I dunno, arachnoid cysts or something.
5.Popular player cast-off watch begins... NOW. Lawyer Milloy: heart of NFL-champion defense; released days before season opener. Ty Law: 36 INT's for the Patriots, tied for the team record; released. Adam Vinatieri: 2-for-2 in Super Bowl-winning kicks, not to mention a 45-yarder in a blizzard to send the Tuck Rule game into OT, plus the game-winner in OT; not franchised, signed with key rival. Willie McGinest: record holder for playoff sacks (single game and career), cornerstone of franchise; cut.
Man, the Patriots locker room must be the closest thing in America to a Warsaw ghetto circa 1940: "Who else is there!? Watch that holdout, Deion Branch, or your ass is gonna get cut. Tom Brady doesn't need receivers to win... What, you don't like it, Tom Brady? Better shut yer yap -- you think Bill Belichick can't win with Matt Cassel? Matt Cassel learned from Pete Carroll, man! He was ready to take over for Leinart, and he's ready to take over for you... You there, the All-Pro defensive end, Seymour! Get ready to re-structure your contract -- the team is only $15 million under the cap, and the front office needs more money to not re-sign its best players."
Sorry, Boston, it's over. Don't blame me, I'm just a "traveller from an antique land."
