As we've no doubt learned over the past week, the NFL is filled with subterfuge and skullduggery, where nothing personal or professional can be revealed lest it be used for bulletin board material or in a scouting report. For that reason, NFL PostSecret has become all the more vital tool for players, coaches, owners and Solomon Wilcots to air their most closely guarded secrets. Here are this week's submissions.
Generally, I eschew blogfrica's national pastime of Simmons-bashing. It's not exactly fresh and, frankly, others can do it much funnier and succinctly than I could, if I were so inclined. And while we know through credible sources Simmons detests KSK, we still have a soft-spot for the big lug (except Drew, he really fucking hates him).
Four or five years ago, I used to manipulate the URLs on Page2 so I could read Simmons' columns a couple hours before they were posted on Page2's front page. Today if I am cruising by ESPN.com and see a link on the front page to a non-Celtics, non-Red Sox Simmons post, I might click on it. I don't see my declining patronage as an indictment of the product he puts out, rather just a progression of my own personal tastes. For instance, I also used to like Faces of Death movies, Boone's Farm and Anthrax (okay, I still like Anthrax).
After initially evoking the Duke rape case to protect Belicheat, yesterday Simmons and FootballOutsider's Aaron Schatz were engaging in some give and take about the situation. Schatz was ably abetting Simmons' attempts to marginalize the Patriots' elaborate system of fraud and deception by bringing up other instances of chicanery. Then Schatz dropped this bomb:
Remember when Jim Haslett admitted to using steroids when he was playing for the Pittsburgh Steelers during their dynasty years of the '70s?
Ooh, yeah! In your face Haslett, 1970's Steelers and everyone else not riding Belichick's scrotum!!! There's just a minor problem, Haslett never played for the Steelers. Actually, Haslett recently accused the Steel Curtain-era Steelers of using steroids and then later apologized.
It's easy for someone to get confused and misstate the facts like Schatz did-- so we can give him a pass, once he clarifies his position. But where are the ESPN editors on this one? ESPN even linked the correct story in the Simmons article, but the slovenly (or perhaps just incompetent) editors just let this completely erroneous statement stand. Hell, it's still up there now as far as we know.
More editorial incompetence: in an otherwise well-written piece on Priest Holmes, the Elizabeth Merrill claims that Holmes was "snubbed by 32 teams" on draft day. There weren't 32 teams in the league until well after Holmes began his pro career. Little things like this, as well as bigger things like Haslett and the "Vick scoop" can make ESPN look like a bunch of hacks.
Here's some gratuitous advice to the World Wide (Mis)Leader: go down to the local methadone clinic or half-way house and pick up a few new editors. Leave half-assed fact checking and wildly inaccurate, if not outright false, statements to amateurs like us.
[HT: to eagle-eyed KSK reader Bill S. (heh heh). UPDATE: Also thanks to commenter Jeff for pointing out that Haslett did cop to dabbling in steroids. I'll blame my mistake on some past dabblings of my own. Thankfully our commenters are more vigilant than ESPN's editors.]
FOXBORO, Mass. -- New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick today defended his controversial warrantless wiretapping program in a combative press conference, calling the practice "an essential tool in the war on other teams."
"Those who would criticize this program simply fail to understand the state of the league as it exists today," Belichick said, following six minutes of inscrutable mumbling. "There are teams out there that hate our way of life, our way of winning and are bent on defeating us. We must take any and all measures to avoid that outcome."
Privacy experts and league officials have decried the practice as an unlawful invasion of personal rights. New York Jets rookie cornerback Darrelle Revis said, "This is a disgusting, unconstitutional act that borders on the Orwellian." He then added, "Fuck."
Yesterday, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell determined that Belichick violated league policy when he authorized the FBI to tap the phones of the coaches of the other 31 NFL teams, as well as a few married women he was creeping with. The league also found he had installed a computer chip inside the brain of Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning that causes him to see visions of M.C. Escher drawings.
Goodell said the Patriots could be fined multiple draft picks, likely a total cop-out with all the picks coming in the second day of the draft, as well as docking Patriots quarterback Tom Brady one weekly media suck-off. The Patriots immediately appealed the ruling and Brady pumped his fist menacingly in the direction of Goodell.
"The last thing this league needs is an activist commissioner trying to legislate from his cushy Manhattan office," Belichick bristled. "If we are to maintain stability in this sport, it is imperative that the New England Patriots maintain its status as the lone power atop the NFL. If not, upstart teams like the Jets could plunge the league into chaos and we could find ourselves in a world where we wouldn't know who would win the Super Bowl before the season even started."
Photoshop courtesy Dan. V.
