LaDainian Inaction Figure Includes Kung-Fu Bench Grip

Even if kids spend the overwhelming majority of their time with video games, it's not for a lack of realistic toys to play with. Take, for example, this fine toy tableau of LaDainian Tomlinson seated comfortably on Charger blue pine. Clearly, this is the regular season edition, missing as it does the puffy coat and dark visor. The sullen expression is well articulated, though. Leave it to Spawn creator Todd McFarlane to capture that so flawlessly. He knows from angst.

Thanks to reader Vipul for the tip.

Is There a Lesser of These Two Douches?

Well, who else can I root for?

What's this you're showing me?

Sharp stick in the what? Eye?

Ouf. Hmm. Does look kinda painful. Awful pointy, too. And my eye? Really? Sounds like that might hurt. Couldn't just jam it under my shoulder blade, huh? Okay, I suppose those are the rules. I do have two eyes, after all. And fuck pulling for Brady, Welkaaaaah, HGHarrison, Belicheat and Kool Aid. And fuck Marmalard, Norval, The Gigantosaur and whiny ass LT. Cromartie's kinda cool, but whatever.

[Piercing screams]

Whooo. Ahhhh. Omigodomigodomigod. That hurts like shit. But, y'know: It's not so bad, all things considered. Much better than that Chargers-Patriots shit.

Update: I was thrown out of the Patriots bar because I was the only one rooting against the Patriots. What sorry pathetic bitches you Pats fans are.

Another Glorious Manning/Marmalard Face-off

It's game one of Manning Sunday featuring that older accomplished pitchman brother, Pey-Pey. He can sell you the coat off your own back at twice value. In fact, he keeps a collection of knockoff Rolexes under his jersey if you're looking for one.

The Chargers have won their last two against Indy, including the Nov. 11 regular season contest, in which Pey-Pey famously sold the defense a whopping six beachfront interceptions and Adam Vinatieri botched a chip shot that cost them the game. What will take to get that guy to stop choking?

Not having to rely this time on Craphonso Thorpe at wideout, the Colts will have certainly more reliable, if less hilariously named, receivers this time around. Meanwhile, the roof of the RCA Dome may be opened because no one enclosure can contain the doucheiness that is Marmalard.

An Overflowing River of Douchejuice

AFC 3rd Seed -- San Diego Chargers (11-5)

[A quiet dinner party]

Sarah: This one time, when I was little, my family was on a road trip and me and my brother were acting up. So my parents just pulled over to the side off the road and let us out.

Dan: Whhhhhaaaaaaaaaaat?

Sarah: I mean, they did come back, like, five minutes later. They just went to the next exit then doubled back and got us. But we were terrified. Just sitting alone at this rest stop.

Lori: You totally should have just told somebody. You could have gotten your parents in a shitload of trouble. "Hi, our parents abandoned us!"

Sarah: I know, but I...

[A knock at the door]

Lori: I'll get that.

[door busts open]

Philip Rivers: Hey hey, betta ask someboddaaayyyy! What's with all the long faces, lookie fucking loos? Heh. Heh. Heh. Funny fucking anecdote the famous athlete must've interrupted, huh? I'm sure it's everyday a starting NFL quarterback barges in your place. Whoa, where's the goddamn party at?! I don't wanna blow my fucking Wednesday night for shit.

[Someone emerges from the kitchen]

Rivers: What's this cheap shit you got here?

[quaffs entire bottle, spits half on the floor]

Rivers: God, that fucking sucked.

[Throws bottle in high arch toward wall. Bottle doesn't hit wall for a full minute]

Rivers: What? You got a problem with an NFL QB trashing your place? I might as well sign the shards of fucking glass. YEAH, THE FUCKING GLASS! What's this you got on the wall? A Degas print? Aren't you such a sophisto?

Rivers: Me? I don't get art. Art is for fags. Even people named Art are incredibly fucking gay, y'know. RIGHT!? This one's okay though 'cause it's got Mr. Miyagi in it. God, that's so fucking funny. MR. MIYAGI!!! Teach those dancing bitches!

[slaps nearest person on back, laughs in their face]

Rivers: I fucking love Karate Kid. That's why I love Bill Simmons so much. Because he devotes column themes to old fucking movies like Rocky III like it's fresh material. The divisional round column will be about the crappiness of airline food or the quality of computer porn.

[slaps nearest guy on back]

Rivers: This guy likes porn. Huh? Buddy? Huh? FUCK YOU.

Rivers: I don't need this shit.

[Whips out cell phone. Holds it to his ear impatiently for 20 seconds]

Rivers: Fuck you, LT. Pick up your fucking phone. Why is it ringing through? Dick.

[Rivers surveys the increasingly impatient crowd]

Rivers: But, yeah. I gotta get going. It's been fun and shit.

Aren't you gonna offer me some food to get me on my way? Isn't that what considerate hosts do for professional athletes who grace their lame parties? Or is this just a get-together, so the rules don't apply? HUH? WHAT KIND OF SHIT IS THIS? WHY YOU CAN GET-TOGETHER MY BALLS.

[Storms out]

[LaDainian Tomlinson emerges from behind couch]

LT: Is he gone?

Rivers pic sent by reader Roger R.

Craphonso! (Colts Lose Two In A Row)

Those sweet, sweet tears you hear being cried from the Hoosier state? Enjoy them. Bathe in them. Dump buckets of them on your lawn and watch it grow. The Colts have just lost two games in a row and I'm so happy about it. I am downright goddamn giddy. UM will have a big lifestyle change forthcoming as a result of this game, but he can tell you about that later.

Peyton threw SIX FUCKING PICKS in this game, which is six more than the career NFL totals of all the contributors of this blog. Watching Peyton get annoyed when he'd have to call for the snap twice (when Saturday didn't see him lift his leg up the first time) was fun enough. But watching him at his worst doing what he does best was the best, that was a little slice of heaven, almost as good as getting my balls licked.

I'll always contend that hating the Mannings is the most fun because it's all over their fucking faces when calamity strikes. They start as mildly annoyed, then grow to hate life as the day goes on. Watching Peyton with that "I just gurgled my own tartar sauce" face on the bench led to this exchange on my couch:

Her: Wow, look at Peyton. The Fetus Head is having a rough go of it.
Me: Yeah, right now he has a real de-fetus attitude.

Norv Turner got his ass bailed out by Vinatieri, whose push from 30 yards was the perfect climax to an entertaining game. Additionally, and I know it's been said before, but Norv frightens children whose parents own HDTVs. I truly believe this is God's way of punishing me for not giving a shit about the wildfires. I bet Norv could hid about $500 cash and three ounces of blow in the various crevaces of his face, making the Chargers' location (just minutes from the Mexican border) more than ideal. It's not like you can search a guy's face. With the steriod-laden Shawne Merriman returning to form, the team could not have asked for a better mule.

Oh, and was it raining during the game last night? I never heard them mention anything about that...

KSK 2007 NFL Season Prekkake: San Diego Chargers

Five Fast Facts About the Chargers:

*Igor Olshansky has two Star of David tattoos on his body. Way to make it that much easier for the Nazis to identify you, smart guy.
*Lorenzo Neal's most prized possessions are boxing gloves used by Muhammad Ali and Joe Frazier, and that football he kept from his career-long seven yard rush.
*Shawne Merriman used to own a restaurant/bar in College Park called Lupo's, where the steriods were occasionally served with alcohol.
*Cletis Gordon's nickname is "Flash," not because he's fast, but like any self-respecting Cletis, he likes to show you his dick.
*Legedu Naanee would like to sell a vowel.

Projected record: 11-5

Actual record: 9-7

2006

2007

2008

2009

2010

2011

California...Knows How To Party

Probably the only thing better in life than watching two teams in pads try to beat the shit out of each other is watching two guys without pads try and do the same. I don't know what it is about football that gets people's pugilistic passions pumping. Maybe the alcohol? Yeah. Probably the alcohol.

The Undercard.

Dude in Chargers jersey (hey--throwbacks!) takes issue with the congregation's assessment that the San Diego Zoo is no longer America's Favorite Zoo. Tempers flare. Beer is not dropped.

The Main Event.

You can catch the preamble to this little skirmish in some other clips, but this is where it all comes to a head. It's like COPS, but without the cops.

Do we still have time to get an NFL team in LA for 2007?