Another Glorious Manning/Marmalard Face-off

It's game one of Manning Sunday featuring that older accomplished pitchman brother, Pey-Pey. He can sell you the coat off your own back at twice value. In fact, he keeps a collection of knockoff Rolexes under his jersey if you're looking for one.

The Chargers have won their last two against Indy, including the Nov. 11 regular season contest, in which Pey-Pey famously sold the defense a whopping six beachfront interceptions and Adam Vinatieri botched a chip shot that cost them the game. What will take to get that guy to stop choking?

Not having to rely this time on Craphonso Thorpe at wideout, the Colts will have certainly more reliable, if less hilariously named, receivers this time around. Meanwhile, the roof of the RCA Dome may be opened because no one enclosure can contain the doucheiness that is Marmalard.

Soul for Sale: 2 BD, 1 BTH Nice Nabe

AFC 2nd Seed -- Indianapolis Colts (13-3)

[Hell, Michigan]

Dallas Fucking Clark: Y'know, I like winning as much as the next guy, but I'm pretty sure this idea is for shit.

Peyton Manning: Nobody's paying you to think, asshole. If this can work for New England, we can make it work for us.

MarHar: I know one thing: it wasn't my ass what drug us down here. Ya'll into that aloe drink? Pick it up at the Chinese grocer. Tasty as shit. Could go for some a' that right now. Hot as dogcrotch down here.

Booming Voice: SILENCE!


Satan: Who dares encroach upon my kingdom of th--

Adam Vinatieri: Hey Satan.

Satan: Oh, hey Adam.

Satan: ...my kingdom of the damned?

Peyton: We learned of the deal that you've entered into with the Patriots. I think you'll find our counteroffer enticing.

Satan: Yeah, it was your basic team of souls for a perfect season arrangement. I'll tell you right now: Matching that offer isn't getting you anywhere. The Pats have good credit here, you know. You don't know how many Southies I'm gonna get just by having Wes Welker on my side. I'm guessing all of them.

Peyton: Okay, but just wrap your mind around this...

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[Sunday]

Jim Nantz: And with the tackle by Bob Sanders, that will take us to the two-minute warning. The Colts, up 34-17 on the Chargers, minutes away from an epic showdown in Foxboro. Back after this.

Peyton: Hey, Peyton Manning here to talk to you about a great limited-time offer from the Prince of Darkness.

Up to your asshole in debt? Finding payday advance loans and armed robbery to be too much of a hassle? Maybe just want some arbitrary bullshit?

Ever thought of selling your soul to the Devil?

Whoawhoawhoa. Hear me out. And you'll discover why there's never been a better time to sell than now.

Don't be duped into selling your everlasting essence to one of those big corporations or, even worse, some Portuguese guy who promises you a bigger dick. Go with the fictive religious entity with a couple thousand year track record of eternal bargains. We're offering low introductory rates.

What are you using it for anyway? Why not make that soul work for you?

[cut to family trying to pack their car to go on a vacation]

Mom: The car's full. We can't fit anymore.

Dad: If only we didn't have these damn souls weighing us down!

Peyton Manning: That's right. They'll even take Hindus, Sikhs or B'ahai and shit. Whatever it is dark-skinned worship. It's all good. Believe it or not, but your souls are worth only marginally less than a real person's.

Tony Dungy: But don't none a' ya'll faggots try to peddle your swishy souls 'round here.

Peyton: He's just kidding. They took mine, after all.

KSK ExKlusive: Peyton Manning's Most Personal Thoughts Revealed!

We're proud to announce that despite a complete lack of computer skills we've managed to hack into Peyton Manning's e-diary! Here's the first of what will hopefully be many in a look at the little girl living inside the man.

October 19, 2007

Dear Diary,

Can you believe that Ashley just tried to have sex with me?

YUCK!

Like I told her on our wedding night, only one woman touches Pey-Pey and her name is Mom. I have sex with my wife the same way I have sex with you Mr. Diary, by busting a perfectly straight line down the spine. I've got control like Julia Child with a pastry bag, once a year I even write Happy Birthday on her back (I can't get full release when those boobs are bouncing all over the place). But seriously, she should know better by now; sex with women is number three on my list of fears behind Hillary Clinton and ghost dads.

Here's a list of5 things I'd do before putting Pey-Pey inside of a woman's kitty cat...

1. Have gay relations with a cute little country music star
2. Defer any credit to Jim Caldwell
3. Quit acting
4. Call a real audible
5. Beat Florida

I don't see what more she could possibly want from me. One time I even let her get a glimpse of Pey-Pey and the twins. That was the first time I conducted a public viewing since the thing with the whorish trainer at UT.

Gotta run to practice...big game on Monday Night! TTYL!

Have You Noticed that Peyton Manning Has Starred in Several Commercials?

Ah, precious YouTube: you save us on mornings when nothing is ready. However, in this instance, we're not microwaving leftovers you've seen before or just putting up some animals killing each other that Drew saw on Animal Planet. No, we actually have something brand new to our favorites series of tubes, and - bonus! - it's actually NFL-related.

Shocking, I know.

Anyhoo, this is the newest video from BradyFan83 -- best known around the Interwebs for the Kenny Loggins Rogers-inspired "Brady" -- and it's dedicated to a man who for so long stood in Tom Brady's shadow.

Peyton Manning Brings The Funny

In case you missed it, here's the United Way spoof from last night's SNL.