Mocking the Pats vs. Sex. WHO YA GOT?

We've sadly come to the final WHO YA GOT? until September and we're left to wonder what can carry us across the seven-month void of no football. Likely it's two activities that will never get old: maliciously glorying in the Greatest Choke Job of All-Time (tm 2007 New England Patriots, all rights reserved) or some good old-fashioned fucking, like yo mamma used to make. Which is better? Which will help us more to cope with the offseason? WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

Laughing at the Patriots______Coitus

Fucked in what sense

Figurative_____Literal, also the butt if you bought dinner

Requires

Ability to point, say "18-1"______Sexual organs, booze

Who can't do it

Whiny, hypocritical Pats fans__________Dr. Who fans

Downside

Tummy hurts from laughing so much__AIDS, assorted other STDs, children

Has Eli done it?

Yes_________Eli wouldn't know

Finishing move

Working mocking the Pats into your fucking

I'm just mad about Saffron. Saffron's mad about me.

The career of an NFL cheerleader is as exciting as it is fleeting. After leaving the life of pom-poms in their wake retired cheerleaders usually go on to live relatively mundane lives. Every now and then somebody special comes along, you just might not know it at the time. Take for example former Dallas Cowgirl Aahoo Jahansouzshahi (although for some reason she adopted the stage name of "Sarah Shahi")...


Not bad at all, but whether or not she'd have been worthy of enshrinement in the Friday Cheerleader Post is debatable. The olive-skinned nineteen year-old with the DNA of a Shah and the tits of a goddess was always hot but in the years since her "retirement" she's moved on to full-fledged sexpot.


Now we're getting somewhere.

As you can see Sarah has become a favorite of the magazine world. In addition to gracing the covers of fitness magazines she's twice been named to the Maxim Hot 100 list. Not bad for somebody you've never heard of.





Holy fucknut, Batman!

More recently she's transitioned from stationary spooge target to a rather legitimate actress, and now I really want to fuck her. Unfortunately I'm not the only one...

Warning: May Contain Tony Soprano "O" Face


All that sexiness and the crucial drug connects? I may have to turn in my talis.

Believe it or not that was the very same Sarah Shahi from last week's breakthrough episode of The Sopranos. Although she's done quite a bit of acting in her past fucking Tony Soprano can immediately triple your Q rating. If you already knew Sarah before it was probably from her role in Showtime's The L Word, a delightfully sexy show about a bunch of ladies who just haven't managed to meet the right man. If you aren't familiar with the show I'd recommend checking OnDemand to see if the second season is available for your viewing pleasure. Granted, I've never "seen" the show but from what I can tell from the stills it's a winner all the way around...


There's more then one way to get stoned in Iran
If you're interested in seeing more of this Persian princess you might be in luck (and if you aren't interested you should probably get tested for The Gay ASAP). She's got a new pilot hitting the small screen this fall, unfortunately it's on NBC (your favorite fourth place network) so it's destined to fail. Throw in the show's description (a wrongfully convicted detective leaves prison to re-join the force) and its star (Adam Arkin = Douche) and the show probably won't last more than a month. But fear not good readers, I'm always looking out for you. So enjoy this fantastic bonus picture of this week's muse (side effects may include tightening of the pants and general euphoria)...

Have a good weekend, and if you get a chance check out Andre Berto on the undercard of tomorrow's fight (it shouldn't last more than half a round and it will be well worth your time).

Big thanks to The Big Lead and Datehole Dateholer for dropping the knowledge

KSK Mock Draft: Clothing and Accessories that Accentuate the Hotness of Womankind --The Finale

Either "finale" is a funny word or I'm a bit blazed. The jury's still out on this one folks. Anyways...if you missed part 1 or 2 just click on those numbers back there.

You're in for some overtly sexy shit, try to keep your composure. God damn I love the off season.


MMP: Has the classic spring dress been claimed yet? Very easy on the eyes and also coming into season as well.

BDD: It has not. Sundresses, I imagine, also fall into that category...Flubby's up.

UM: Ah, the sundress


BDD: That's a muumuu. Different category.

UM: Still sexy...

BDD: Where is flubby? I wanna pick!

Flub: I'm still thinking. I may be out of ideas.

BDD: Out of ideas? Some pervert you are. Think uniforms and lingerie.

Flub: That's what 11 years of marriage will do for you.

BDD: Pfft. 11 years of marriage should only serve to INCREASE the ol' hornometer. Pick anything. Pick a muumuu. Let's end this thing.

20. Flubby- Guitar


I have always been a big fan of the chick wearing little, if anything, except a guitar (perfected by Liz Phair).

21. CC- Nipple ring

We sure are getting good mileage out of Christina's piercings.
Women may choose to wear either barbell or ring, in one nipple or both. This is by far and away the sexiest piercing: hidden from plain sight, available only to those who remove a woman's clothing. Tongue rings are fine if you're a trashy high school girl or experimenting in college, and clit piercings frighten me (but in a good way), so the nipple ring it is.

This is a nice way to round out my selections, as all of my women will be wearing wedges, thong underwear, heavy eye makeup, and nipple rings. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go masturbate.

I have to say, the frankness with which some of us discuss "number 3" can be terrifying.

22. BDD- Belly chain


Fucking hot. Accentuates the hips and midriff, and shows that a woman is dead serious about turning you on. It's like a sexy, shiny equator that perfect divides your T&A. And only women with the right kind of body can pull it off.

Nothing says class quite like rhinestone jewelry.

CC: I dated a girl who never took her belly chain off. It was excellent. But not as excellent as the girlfriend with a nipple ring.

God I hate you.

UM: WHAT?!?! when did Sobe start making a drink called Lean?

That coyote knows what's up!

Flub: That's probably what the coyote is thinking in the picture. "Damn they got sizzurp up at Quizno's now?"

That or: I'm looking for the man that shot my "paw."

Ape: There were coyotes discovered in Rock Creek Park two years ago. I hope one eats Tammy Darvish.

I heard that's what happened to Chandra Levy.

23. UM- Babydoll



That's just some sexy shit right there.

Hmm...this should have added up to 24. Eh, fuck it, lots more pictures are coming!

Honorable Mentions

BDD: Daisy dukes, French maid outfit, nurse outfit, tight sweater, fishnets, body stockings, any sort of latex get up, Demibra (the ones that don't actually cover the tits), fur coat with nothing else, crotchless panties, cheerleader skirts, and stripper dresses

UM: weed, whipped cream, tassles, clear platforms, body paint, tube top, saddle from Secretary

CC: tee shirt cut up to reveal cleavage and stomach, then tied in a knot in back in order to stay tight against body













Flub: Man, I hate what Rolling Stone has become, but the new cover, with the chicks from Grindhouse, is pretty good.

UM: BULLETS! I DRAFT BULLETS!

BDD: I'm pretty sure Rose McGowan got an asslift.

UM: I'm pretty sure she was raised in an underground bunker...insert stupid Ufford joke here.

CC: I'd be happy to fire those off.

MMP: Ape, do you have any more pictures of your cat?

CC: Do you have any pictures of a hot woman wearing your cat?

Ape: Sure, what do you need?

MMP: Whatever you have, preferable a good head shot and maybe a full-body shot.

UM: Sicko

That's when things veered of course.

I hope you enjoyed the single greatest mock draft in the history of the internet. Now feel free to critique our efforts and spurt lists of your own sick indulgences.

Update: We forgot one...


Update 2: Apparently Punter really did want a picture of Ape's cat for reasons that are not sick and disgusting in the least. I profusely apologize for making him look like some sort of weirdo. We wouldn't want you readers thinking we were unbalanced or anything like that. So please Mr. Punter, don't kill me in my sleep.

KSK Mock Draft: Clothing and Accessories that Accentuate the Hotness of Womankind Part 2

Welcome to Part 2 of the greatest mock draft of all time. For Part 1 go here.

Off the board: heels, thongs, bikinis, schoogirl outfits, pearl necklaces, edible panties, camisoles...let's do this sexy thing.

8. MMP- Mary Janes


Just like 'em. Dunno why

What a reach!

BDD: What are Mary Janes?

MMP: It's a closed-toe shoe with a strap across the foot.

Cue the crickets.

9. Flub- Slinky Black Cocktail Dress


The Nolan Ryan of women's apparel

Sans the inflated ERA?

CC- Wedges

Caveman and Carrie Bradshaw have similar taste
Different from heels, but they achieve the same sexy-leg effect that Drew and I like so much.


BDD- Huzzah!
11. Garter belt with thigh highs


"The rose goes in the front, big guy."

You could put Natasha Lyonne in thigh highs and I'd be turned on. This is the absolute classic lingerie combination. Yet I have no clue why I like it so. Perhaps it's the garter straps accenuating the ass just so, or the lacey tops of the thigh highs gently caressing the...

OOPS. Look at the mess I made. I have to clean this up.

UM: NOOOOOOOOOOO! All you guys were so caught up in your clogs and whatnot...i thought i'd get the garter...

We should start the Natasha Lyonne All Stars as an answer to Simmons and his Reggie Cleveland squad. Girls whose names make them sound hot when in reality they are the opposite.

UM- 12. Bustier



A showcase of sexitude.

UM- 13. Booty Shorts



What the bustier does for the top half the shorts do for the bottom. It's like taking a work of art and putting it in the world's greatest frame.

BDD-14. Tight as shit business suit



Preferably with a mini skirt that just barely covers the ass, and blouse with the top buttons open so that the cleavage just spill right out. Combine that with the garter and thigh highs and I now have blueballs.

That's a nice pick there Drew.

BDD: I think this draft needs to go 4 rounds. I've got some other stuff I'd like to riff on.

CC- 15. Eye makeup

OK, now I'm just trying to piss off the Caveman

I was going to say "makeup" but I thought that would be too broad. Girls with lots of eye makeup automatically look 60% hotter. And now, none of your women will ever get to wear it. AWESOME.

Flub- 16. Low rise jeans



But like plutonimum, they can be deadly in the wrong hands.

MMP- 17. One piece tennis dress



One piece tennis dresses. They provide a blend of sportiness and easy access that's hard to come by.

BDD: I like that pick. That's a solid pick.

Now Ape goes twice. Four rounds!!!!!!

UM: fuck fuck fuck. that was my fourth rounder.

Ape- 18. Glasses


Small frames but not those Lisa Loeb cat glasses. Because I like smart, engaging women. And, failing that, ones that at least appear intelligent.

Flub: Good call, Ape

Ape- 19. Nose stud



Provides no tactile pleasure, but is a sign she's at least not up tight. However, the nose stud can't be part of a panoply of piercing. Just the ears and nose. None of that eyebrow shit.

BDD: Ah, but what of the tongue stud? Nothing says easy like a tongue stud.

Check back tomorrow for the thrilling conclusion to find out if anything says easy better than a tongue stud (Hint: If she smokes, she pokes)

KSK Mock Draft: Clothing and Accessories that Accentuate the Hotness of Womankind

If you know anything about KSK you know that we are staunch supporters of feminism, assuming feminism means "dressing women up in outfits that make them look sexier." That's why this week we've undertaken the most important mock draft subject to date. If you could pick any item of clothing (or accessory) for a woman to wear what would it be and why?

Note: Your face is not an accessory (I already tried).

Because even we don't always understand what we're doing I'll let Big Daddy Drew sum up the rules... To clarify the rules. You pick one piece of clothing or accessories, every attractive woman you encounter must wear them for you at all times, including the wife.

Marriage is bourgeois.

If someone else drafts a certain item, you never get to see a woman in it again.

Thanks mein fuehrer.

The draft order is as follows: UM, Drew, Ape, CC, Flubby, Punter. Sadly Ape decided to attend opening day at RFK so the order was shuffled.

And remember, if you want to play along at home but can't get a woman to come within sniffing distance of you there's always another option.

Round One

1. UM- The Bikini (the thongier the better)


I kicked off the draft before I had a firm grasp on the nuances of Drew's set of rules so I decided to stay safe. The bikini is a classic. They perfectly display the assets of the beautiful people while exposing the flaws of all those borderliners.


2. Drew- High Heels


Every man has differing tastes, but I've yet to find a man who would prefer a girl in Keds to one in 6" bend-me-over-the-credenza pumps. High heels accentuate the calf. I have no idea why this makes me hard enough to take batting practice, but it does.

I knew somebody was going to pick a shoe, I just didn't think I'd be all alone in the mocking.

UM: I was tempted to say "first one to pick shoes is a homo"

CC: First one to pick shoes knows what the fuck is going on.

Flub: Don't be hostile at the hostel.

Note- For reasons only clear to Caveman he decided to stay in a hostel during the Final Four (even though he was on the company dime). I hope those pushy Bavarian backpackers gave him a good lesson on what's wrong with America.


3. CC- YES!!! Thong Underwear

No explanation necessary

Yeah, because the rest of this is TOTALLY necessary!

BDD: Choosing between high heels and thongs was extremely difficult.


4. Flubby- Pearl Necklace

This is as close as I could get without people bitching.

You'll have as much fun giving it to her as she will wearing it.

Uh Flubby, remember Drew's rule?

every attractive woman you encounter must wear them for you at all times

That gooey touch of romance would get old...fast.

5/6. MPP- Catholic Schoolgirl Outfit

Halcyon days indeed...

If we're going pervy, let's do it right.

There's a wrong way?

UM: I call shenanigans! you can take the knee socks, you can take the skirt, you can take the sheer oxford shirt that's busting at the seams...but you can't have the whole package.

MMP: 5. The Skirt
6. The sheer, busty white oxford shirt

you can have the socks, UM.

UM: SCORE!

BDD: Does that rule out all pleated miniskirts? I guess it does.

Damn.

UM: I think there's a big difference between a schoolgirl skirt and the traditional mini skirt

BDD: I said PLEATED miniskirt.

Anyway, I think complete uniforms are allowable, so if Punter wants to pick again, he can. After all, the point of this thing is to throw up some hot pictures.

MMP: I'll stand behind my revised selection.

BDD: I admire a man who stick by his principles. Or at least, his penis's.

MMP: One and the same, my friend.

UM: flubby's up. seeing as how he's a lawyer here's my prediction

Ape: You assholes, I was at RFK for opening day,

MMP: Nobody made you go. Drew, let him pick twice when he's up again.

BDD: This is EASILY solvable.

We'll count the Catholic schoolgirl uni as a single pick, leaving Ape as the last pick in the round. Whcih means Ape gets to pick twice RIGHT NOW! Huzzah!

Revised order:

UM
Drew
CC
flubby
Punter
Ape


MMP: King Solomon is impressed with your conflict resolution skills.

(ed. note: Old Testament > New Testament... flame on, gentiles!)

Flub: seeing how UM is a Jew here's my prediction for him

UM: Mmmm, holy goodness...


Ape: 6. Edible panties



Parenthetically for the record, I'm astounded UM took regular bikini over weed bikini. If we actually went through with the last meal draft, the panties would have been whatever flavor my first round pick would have been: unless, of course, I went with the meal of three dozen jumbo crabs.

7. Camisole


Maybe I'm swayed before it's just starting to get warm out and hot girls everywhere are popping up in these. Simple, but still incredibly hot. The first warm weather day of the year is better than Christmas, but First Waem Weather Day ofr the Year Ape doesn't fit well on the marquee.

It's also spelled wrong because I'm a little drunk.

Rounds 2-4 coming soon...so try to not tell us how we fucked up until we're done.