Dreamboat vs. Barco de Sueno. WHO YA GOT?

They're calling it a preview of the Super Bowl, but this match-up between New England and Dallas really is an intercontinental maritime quarterback showdown the likes of which never before seen. It's bound to be the most excessively hyped regular season game of the year, at least until the Pats play the Colts. The winner will be showered with golden praise. The loser will be taunted and booed and fellated until PK's throat is sore. WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

Tom Brady____________Tony Romo

Annoying first mate

Bill Simmons__________________Peter King

El Capitans

Bob Kraft and Bill Belichick_________________Wade and Jerry

Crew members

Needy children__________________Needy Mexicans

Cum dumpsters

Gisele/Bridget Moynahan_________Carrie Underwood/Jessica Simpson

Bounty

$30 and rising_________________Treasure of the Sierra Madre

Endorsements

Stetson____________________Diet Pepsi Max

Favorable conditions

Playing Cowboys defense____________Hispanic Heritage Month

Abiding wisdom

Player's Guide______________Parcells' 11 Commandments

Occasionally humorous YouTube devotee

Fitzy_________________________Halen88

Finishing Move

Destroying family values____________Not speaking American!