People with Pit Bulls Don't Kill Pit Bulls; Pit Bulls Kill Pit Bulls

(Alternate Headline: "Donny Dogkiller: Sports Illustrated Links Mattingly to Dog Fighting")

Ah, 1987. We were all so much more careful, more prepared for the worst twenty years ago. No one was on Prozac. The Unabomber bombed freely. The Japanese stood poised to destroy every American business. Consecutive summer Olympics had been marred by Cold War boycotts. And presidential scandals were all about taking the money from illegal arms sales to sworn enemies and using it to illegally fund rebels opposing a sworn enemy on a different continent (Take that, blowjobs and far-ranging organizational incompetence). It was an era where we handled impending doom with abject fear, instead of today's more popular ironic detachment and willful ignorance.

And though few remember it, pit bulls -- not the well-intended gambling addicts training them to kill -- were the next Great Menace. Hey, something had to replace Soviet Russia.

Yes, it was 20 years ago this week that SI featured the dangerous "pit bull terrier" with an ominous "Beware of Dog" sign posted on the fence around its magazine. And I think we need to reflect on this. It's time to give Michael Vick a break and look at the real enemy: pit bulls. Because has Vick ever actually killed a pit bull? Well, yes. Probably. But he was mostly putting the animals that he cared for out of their misery. Animals that were MAULED BY PIT BULLS. Not humans. Not Michael Vick. Pit bulls. And they need to take some of the blame.

Alas, young Ookie was only seven at the time of the SI cover story, and SI KIDS didn't make its debut until 1989 (And even then it was all puff pieces: Look at this popular athlete! We photographed him smiling AND jumping!). It's safe to say he missed the lessons of this SI feature that targeted young athletes with pro aspirations. Among the warnings about pit bulls:

- Minimal shedding negated by propensity for bleeding on carpet.
- Tendency to hump other dogs against their will, eat babies.
- Product of communism (probably).
- Did not participate in Hands Across America.
- Are easily bred to believe Holocaust did not occur.
- Likely to kill adorable cobras.
- Menacing nature confirmed when pit bull puppet attacked Ronald Reagan puppet in "Land of Confusion."
- Probable source of AIDS.
- Fur not very soft.
- Will totally fuck up your NFL career.

Unfortunately, the warning went unheeded on the gritty streets of Bad Newz, and now it's NFL fans who suffer at the loss of the most electrocuting player in the league.

Thanks a lot, pit bulls.

(Image found by Football Huddle 3.0)

Special Instructions For Vick 'Haters':The Ookie Manifesto, As Submitted To (And Denied By) Our Good Friends At Deadspin

I'll be one of the first to admit that one of the problems with Chancellor Goodell's wave of personal conduct righteousness is the near-total disregard for due process. Michael Vick, among other players whose names and situations have been well-documented, face harsh suspensions (or even expulsions from their respective teams) with little more than a wave of The Rogg's hand. Vick's situation, obviously more emotionally charged than those before it, appears even more perilous. Casual observers, even Vick supporters, risk being labeled as "haters," which, I guess, is bad.

So how would one be able to publicly show support for Mr. Vick? Especially when the media, PETA, and the Salvation Army are all out to get him? Fortunately, KSK has obtained such a manifesto, in 3 parts, geared toward providing Ookie with the fan base he currently so desperately needs.

This guide was intended to be posted AS A COMMENT on Deadspin earlier today (I'm not making that up), but was intercepted by noted Combudsman Rob Iracane. KSK then brokered a deal with Mr. Iracane to acquire the manuscript, along with the rights to reproduce it in this space, as a way of telling the "other side" of this fascinating tale.

I present the Ookie Manifesto:

Article I.

FUCK ALL OF YOU VICK HATERS YOU CAN SUCK THOSE DOGS DICKS.
HOW COULD YOU FUCKING FAGGOTS CARE SO MUCH ABOUT DESTRUCTIVE ASS PIT BULLS, THESE FUCKING DOGS HAVE BEEN RECORDED KILLING FUCKING HUMANS. SO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND KISS HIS ASS!!!!

Article II.

YOU FUCKING CRACKERS TRIED TO GET HIM OUT OF THE LEAGUE A LONG TIME AGO DEAL WITH IT HE IS A GREAT ATHLETE . ONE OF YOUR FELLOW FEMALE CRACKERS WENT BEHIND THIS AFRO AMERICAN AND PICKED UP HIS FUCKING WATER BOTTLE AND SAID IT SMELT OF WEED. ONLY IF THIS BITCH IS ALSO A FUCKING DOG AND A REGULAR CHRONIC SMOKER WOULD SHE BE ABLE TO SNIFF THE SCENT OF WEED ON THE TOP OF A WATER BOTTLE.

VICK IS RIGHT!!!! ALL THE TIME YOU GO VICK!!!!!

Article III.

RAY BU(FUCKIN)CHANNON IS A BITCH

--END--

To recap:

1. Perform canine fellatio immediately. Kiss ass.
2. Even the g0ddamn dogs are out to frame Vick.
3. Ray Buchanan is a bitch.

Now you know. And knowing is half the battle.

KSK Mail: If we use “Ookie” they may sookie

In case you missed it, last week we rolled out KSK’s new “FREE OOKIE” shirts to recognize Ron Mexico’s contributions to Western Culture. We reluctantly agree with the fashionistas who say these shirts have revolutionized the casual apparel market as the world knows it. No big whoop. Then a few days later this showed up in our inbox:

Hello folks,

You are using the name Ookie for promotional items but must be unaware that my company has a registered trademark for that name. Therefore I am sorry but you should no longer use the name. I appreciate a response.
You can see our trademark Ookie at www.babyemporio.com

thank you,
Clasina Valkenberg
Baby Emporio

We checked it out and, sure enough, Baby Emporio sells little rag dolls for babies called “Ookies.” Twenty-six bucks plus shipping and handling for a knotted up diaper that my son wouldn’t wipe his ass with. If he could wipe his ass. Which he can’t.

Our first inclination was tell Clasina Valkenberg to go pound sand. Where the hell does Clasina Valkenberg get off telling us what we can and can’t sell? Plus we had serious doubts over any exclusiveness Clasina Valkenberg claims to have over the word “Ookie” since it appears in other places on the web. But then the shit hit the fan...

We learned from MSNBC’s Darren Rovell that the NFL has forbidden fans from purchasing Mike Vick jerseys with the name “Ookie” on the back. Ye gods, we thought, had Clasina Valkenberg got to Roger Goodell? Had the mysterious baby novelty cartel forced the world’s most powerful sports league to its knees? If the NFL couldn’t stand up to Baby Emporio, what shot did a renegade band of sports bloggers have? Internally, we debated the course of action we should take. At long last, we came to a decision.

Since Clasina Valkenberg requested our response, here it is-- drafted and vetted by a fleet of white-shoe attorneys, every single one a wily Jew:

We don’t give a rat’s ass if Clasina Valkenberg has a trademark on Ookie for her rag dolls. Trademark law was adopted so consumers can identify products from one another. Trademarks aren’t infinite in scope. Miller Brewery couldn’t stop you from selling Miller brand pencils, gum, nails etc. There is no likelihood of confusion between Clasina Valkenberg’s rag dolls and KSK’s shirt, which, incidentally, offer commentary on a wholly unrelated public news event.

[Note to any IP attorneys / smartass law students: I realize leaving out trademark dilution, free speech and other issues which may also figure in to any potential legal claims, but this is an NFL blog, We’ve already spent way to much time discussing legalities. No one wants to read boring shit like that on a Monday morning.]

So, in summary, we are changing nothing and Clasina Valkenberg can take a flying fuck at a rolling donut.

FREE TIBET OOKIE!

BUY ME!

As if we could really have an all-out Mike Vick day here in the blogosphere without an official wardrobe! When you go down to the courthouse for the trial of the century don't be caught without your o-fficial FREE OOKIE! clothes (because nudity just doesn't fly in those southern courthouses).

Our first number is a vibrant red cotton t-shirt with everybody's new favorite motto scrawled across the front.
If you select the premium option you can even get writing on the back (the future is now!).


And as long as you're out spending money on yourself why not pick up something for the little Vick fan in your family? Seriously, you need to take better care of your kids before the state gets involved.

And don't worry ladies, we've got the goodness the fairer sex. Now just go find some sugar daddy to buy it for your stingy ass.
All the goodness can be found at our shop by clicking HERE (or the nifty picture up in the top right corner). Stay tuned because more great stuff is on the way.