Teasers Never Lose--Three Times In a Row
Welcome to Week 10 of Always Be Covering. Because I refuse to forgive New England for taking a knee last week (also, the bye week thing) I've been forced to get a little bit creative. You know what that means...it's time for the funnest shitty bet in the history of gambling!
Here it is, 4 games teased by 6 points (the first commenter to say that I got the line wrong will be hooked up to the KSK Genital Electrocution Machine (GEM)...patent pending.
Risking 40 to win 120
Kansas City +3 vs. Denver
Jay Cutler is going to start, and some people are actually pretending that this matters. He's a bum (but Stan's dad thinks he might be good one day) and Kansas City's pass rush will probably put his busted ass in the locker room. They don't even need Larry Johnson. Denver's rush defense will resurrect Priest Holmes, if only for an afternoon.
Buffalo +4 at Miami
The Bills are fucking gold. They're the shitty Patriots of covering the spread. Their only two non-covers came on the road, but this is a teased game with Miami. The chances of the team plane taking a header into the Keys are just slightly lower than Miami beating anybody by more than a field goal.
New Orleans -6 vs. St. Louis
See, this is why I love teasers! New Orleans lost four in a row, and now they've won four in a row. If you follow the pattern it's quite obvious that they're going to win this week. On a completely unrelated note, I got a 650 on the SAT.
Indianapolis +2 at San Diego
Wow, this teaser is pure unadulterated gold. This advice might be more valuable than a healthy set of lungs on the black market (Marv Levy is looking to make a buy). San Diego is pretty good, but their coach is a fucking joke and their quarterback is that douche from Fashionable Male. If Indy loses two straight I'll give up masturbation for a month.
Good luck, as if you need it!
Now who wants to make a side bet that Herm Edwards completely fucks me out of this teaser?
Bonus Commenter Debate!
Over/Under on the total number of segments involving the Patriots on the five (ESPN, CBS, FOX, NBC, NFL) Sunday preview/recap shows despite their bye week: 4
So who ya got?
25 comments:
I got $5000 on the Over. There's 5 networks, each one is going to do some segment on the Pats. Each is going to bring up last weeks game when they're talking about the Colts. And I heard Stetson is planning some big half time celebration starring Tom Brady as they debut their new anal lube.
Seriously, go to http://www.stetsoncologne.com/ Stetson - Starring Tom Brady ... and available at Wal-Mart.
(Word Verification: kskmnz, that's way too gay to be a coincidence.)
I'm with 289 on this: take the over on Pats' knobslobbing on the bye.
I'm considering taking you up on the side bet that Herm will screw you out of it, but Shanny may be beating him in the "out-thinking himself" department this year.
Dude, an over/under of 4? Are you kidding me? I'll take the over before 12:15 EST on CBS or Fox. I'll take the over of how many times they mention Don Shula along with the Pats. I'll friggin' bet they mention the Pats more often than you see Peyton's ugly mug hawking credit cards or Sprint PCS cell phones. And to Drew, I hope this Burt Reynolds nonsense is behind us.
FYI, if you insist on making stupid bets with real money each week, I'd advise taking your business elsewhere. Bodog deals two separate lines, and you are getting the lines reserved for donkeys and losers. Bet elsewhere and you'd be getting another half-point on 3 out of your 4 plays.
I hadn't looked at the lines yet, so forgive my incredulity, but...
Miami is LAYING points? Sign me up for Bodog! It's like free money week!
It's a teaser.
@unsilent - yes, and damn Jessica Alba for being so.
Seriously though, looking at Cam Cameron's job at Miami makes it easier to see how AJ Smith thought Norv Turner was a good coach...
evan- I don't actually care enough to go out and price shop. Yeah, I'm just that lazy. Really I'm just trying to entertain myself. The only line I see that's really off (keep in mind I made the bet before today so some have changed) looks like Indy.
http://covers.usatoday.com/data/odds.aspx
Tell me where to get the best combination of lines, user interface, and dependability and I'll look into it for next week.
I'm pretty sure we get one guy every week that doesn't realize that UM has teased the lines.
Bills are money in the bank this week, teased or unteased.
well i don't employ the tease every week. but yeah, whenever i do it's pretty much a lock.
You got the lines wrong.
occasionally I employ a tease, while i'm waiting for wounds from the dominatrix to heal
If you want to be taken seriously as an actress, pictures like this will help.
UM, The SAT is biased against black people, everyone knows that. Wait, you're not actually black? Never mind then.
Jessica's not showing us the goods because she doesn't want to show us the cold sores.
Other than that, fucking her underwater sounds nice, but only if she sheds those pesky scuba tanks.
I thought she was 36. Come on, guys. Tell me you wouldn't have popped her
Grats on the Weblog repeat. Champagne Awardshow Bukkake today?
Philip Rivers will screw your Fantasy team in a very uncomfortable place, like the back of a volkswagon.
Mallrats references always win
I'm betting my house on the over unless you mean 4 times by each network. Then I would just bet the car.
Wait, you people actually READ that post?
I go with Vegas for dependability.
http://www.vegas.com/gaming/
thanks cock
WSEX.com is probably good for your purposes, you won't be getting ripped off as much on their spreads, though I'm not sure what their teaser odds are. Skybook.com will give you a free 1/2 point on all your wagers, but it's probably one class below WSEX in terms of reliability, they paid me with a smile however. Thegreek.com is the most reliable, though its tough to find great odds there.
Hindsight is 20/20, but 3 misses and a push.... whifffffffffff. Better luck next week.
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