EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY -- The Bounty On Bill Simmons' Hands Has Been Set at $20

Simmons' column has been up for approximately two hours and we've already received a bevy of e-mails attesting to its retardery. Rest assured that we've read it, punched our desks a few times, scoffed indignantly at a few choice excerpts and decided we could takes no more.

For those, unlike us, who don't have time in the middle of the day to commit an hour to read the 33,000 words that usually comprise his Friday picks column (in which this week he relegates the "picks" to a small box to the side of his rant, forgoing any additional commentary on his shitty recommendations).

Anyway, here's the quick rundown: He blubbers on about how the Pats totally got hosed in a game they won by referees working for the RAND CORPORATION, in conjunction with the saucer people, under the supervision of the reverse vampires, to totally screw the Pats over and have the gall to call Randy Moss for pushing off, like he's been doing all year. He compares the refs to the Nazi officials in "Victory!" Leaving aside that a lot of former Nazis probably reside in Indianapolis, this is completely ludicrous.

He does provide us this helpful, if obnoxious, tidbit:

"After the final three kneels and a delightfully icy handshake between Belichick and Dungy, I grabbed my dogs for a prolonged victory walk -- still wearing my good luck Wes Welker jersey -- and mulled a scenario in which the Pats finished 19-0, then picked first in the 2008 draft with the first-rounder acquired from San Francisco last spring."

So now we know Simmons likes to take victory strolls following Patriots games. All you need to do is find the douchebag in the Welker jersey walking a labradoodle and hack off his hands. He has a new kid, so perhaps he should be around for that. And nobody watches E-60, so no harm is done there. The Welker jersey probably narrows it down a bit in L.A. but if you happen to lop off the appendages of a few innocents of a similar description, who are we to judge? He is your quarry and upon successful termination you will receive a crisp new twenty.

With which you can get:

-- Copy of NBA2K8 for PS2 so you can beat the Celtics 300 times in a row
-- Butthash kit, deluxe edition
-- Three (3) 5 lb. bags of key lime mints
-- Wes Welker Dolphins jersey
-- a "Van Heflin"
-- Fudgie the Whale