Construda Regional, Round 2: Cowboy Versus Viking -- WHO YA GOT?

This intriguing matchup places the generously-seeded #1 Viking against the #4 Cowboy. Winner will face the Chief in the next round, which has to motivate the Cowboy as he steps into the Octagon. Further hindering the morose Norseman: the realization that everything cool about Vikings -- horned helmets, skull cups, savage marauding, uncleanliness -- is all bullshit. Ouch. Drew didn't see that one coming.

Poll is on the sidebar to the right. Voting will remain open until the end of the day.

Contestants

Cowboy___________________Viking


Headwear that lives on at frat parties

Cowboy hat______________Helmet with horns


Attire co-opted by gay community

Chaps___________________________Fur


Projectile Weapons

Pistols, rifle____________Maybe a bow and arrow? Some rocks?


Musical endeavor diminishing tough reputation

"Rhinestone Cowboy"_____________VikingKittens.com


Bastardized icon shaming the legacy

Toby Keith ___________________Techno Viking


Rode

Horses with saddle___________Rape victims bareback


Cause of decline

Homophobia___________Christianity, feudal system


Became pussified when

Jake Gyllenhaal showed up___________Re-enactors adopted them


Modern negative connotation

George Bush's "cowboy diplomacy"___Shawne Merriman's "viking date rape"


Finishing move

Blaze of glory, ride off into sunset____Set town ablaze, sail off edge of earth

Matt Ryan Explained

Since Boston College never won a national championship during the quarterback's tenure, Matt Ryan jubilantly parades around the terricloth football trophy awarded to the winner of the Champs Sports Bowl. And that's something...

Yapcunt Regional, Round 2: Giant vs. Brown – QUIEN ES MAS MACHO?!

It’s a seemingly lopsided 2-6 matchup. Could the very large Giant be looking past the relatively diminutive Coach Paul Brown? I think so, because Brown is short enough to be out of range of the Giant’s vision. Yes, this absolutely screams TRAP IMAGINARY FIGHT to me. But I, alas, am not the ultimate arbiter of this confrontation. YOU, fickle America, will be the one to decide! We go right to the pros and cons and ask you, the fan, who would win in a fight… to the death! Indeed, QUIEN ES MAS MACHO?

NOTE: The poll is at the top of the sidebar to the right. Voting for each contest is open until the end of the day that it's posted.

GIANT


Strengths:
-Big
-Strong
-Jolly
-Hung like a redwood
-Deep green complexion may indicate that he’s powered by photosynthesis
-Could totally beat the fuck out of that old Bird’s Eye dude
-Convenient frozen mixed vegetables make for a lovely stir-fry when you’re in a pinch
-Keeps body well-toned using vigorous, population-crushing core exercises
-Deep friendship with half-brother Hagrid
-Adept at throwing castles
-If you need to reach the flour on the top shelf, he's your man
-Can grow entire civilization inside footprint

Weaknesses:
-Jack
-Angry villagers with lots of rope and a good idea of when he may be napping in a valley
-HO HO HO is Santa’s line, you fucking dick
-Vision potentially obscured by low-hanging cloud
-Takes YEARS to put on sunscreen
-Can never find a private setting to evacuate bowels
-Driving? Forget about it.
-Leafy toga minidress makes me feel sexually uncomfortable
-Kinda gay
-Too large to be able to surf
-No blue ox?
-Pretty darn clumsy, if you believe the average Grimm fairy tale

Entrance Music:
“Big Me,” Foo Fighters

BROWN


Strengths:
-7-time world champion
-4-time Coach of the Year
-Cool hat
-Handsome profile
-Possibly made of stone
-Wily
-Crusty
-Savvy
-Constantly demanding excellence from players who just want some goddamn water

Weaknesses:
-Old
-Ohioan
-Not a Giant
-Unarmed
-Trenchcoat a touch constrictive
-Unwilling to loosen tie
-Very rigid, which means he could break easily

Entrance Music:
“Discipline,” Slayer

Voting closes at the end of the day. Let the battle begin. ENTER THE OCTAGON!

Construda Regional 2nd Round: No. 6 Chief vs. No. 7 Redskin In a Matchup of Little Consequence!

For absolutely no reason at all, we present you with the battle for supremacy amongst Native American mascots. Will it be the wisdom of the aged Chief, or the guy with a reddish hue? Only you can decide.

Competitors

Chief------------------------------------------------------Redskin

Probable Tribe
Wyandott-------------------------------------------------Patawomeck

Reach
Extends throughout his tribe--------As far as you can throw a tomahawk

Represented by...
Robert Parish---------------------------------------------Japazeus

Strengths
Stoic leadership, rebounding--------------Duplicitousness, canoe building
Working with white man----------------------------Working with white man


Leads to...
Formation of the 500 Nations------------------------Fancy new toys
3 titles with the Celtics------------------------------Abduction of Pocahontas

Weakness
Working with white man-------------------------Working with white man

Leads to...
Set-up by the FedEx guy----------------Destruction of an indigenous people


The poll is up on the top right and it will be open through the rest of the day. This should be intense!

J-Load Has His Own Stop-Loss

[Giants voluntary off-season workouts]



Trainer: Lorenzen! You've put on another 10 pounds. Jesus, son. The season ain't been over but a month and a half.

Lorenzen: [Entire chicken in mouth] Mmmpppharm aarrphumm eb fffajjmack

Eli Manning: Jared, I thought we agreed that you were gonna get more active this year. Y'know marking the 10th anniversary of the Subway Jared's dropping 245 pounds. Strahan even got the secret from him: eating Subway sandwiches while recuperating from gastric bypass surgery.

Lorenzen: Haarrfff faarrfff nnnarrfff

Manning: Okay, uh, please take the chicken out of your mouth.

[Removes chicken, then another behind it]

Lorenzen: But the founder of Popeyes just died! It's grief-related weight!

Manning: You do know the chain isn't going anywhere, right? It's a massive corporation with 1,800 locations in 20 countries. That guy probably wasn't even involved with it at the time of his death.

Lorenzen: It's not going away?

[Removes 12 biscuits from jacket and pants pockets, sheepishly places them on nearby table]

Manning: It can't keep going on like this. I know, with David Carr coming in, you've fallen to fourth on the depth chart. But after Carr and I declare our love with a white-gloved double-suicide, you'll be right behind Anthony Wright. You've got to be in game shape.

Lorenzen: Look: I'm incorporating extra movements into my daily routine like you said. I press at least three more buttons on the microwave than necessary. I took that flatscreen out of my fridge. I took the minifridge out of my nightstand. When I go to McDonald's with my lady, I make sure to eat at least three napkins for vitamins. Don't I, bacon bits?


Tamara Lorenzen: [mutters affirmative tone with chicken in mouth]

Lorenzen: I tried everything to deflect my mind from food. Really, I have.

Religion.


Art.


Even doting on our pets.


I tell you it don't work! I'm just destined to be fatty forever and ever. It's a curse I got to live with.

[Lorenzen sobs. Eli turns away in disgust, whereupon Lorenzen begins stuffing biscuits back in pocket]

PETER, THE PLANE'S HERE!

KSK Reader Travis, via NFL.com, brings us Mike Rucker's video of the Afghanistan trip taken by, among others, Peter King.

The fun starts at the 3:15 mark. I'm still not sure how they wound up taking that particular group. If they took Tank Johnson over there, the war would have been over by now.

Putting One Over On Jess

Int. Jessica Simpson's living room.

[cellphone rings]

Tony: You got Romo!

Nick: Yo, Tony, it's Lachey!

Tony: Hey man, how've you been.

Nick: Same old shit. But hey, Mayer and I are in town and we had such a good time at the Cosmo awards we wanted to know if you could come out tonight?

Tony: Oh, I don't know. Jess and I have dinner reservations, and then I'm penciled in for a solid hour of cuddle time.

Nick: Fuck that man, let's go get some whores.

Tony: Damn, it has been awhile since I've had a good dirty fuck.

Nick: Jessica still thinks it's gross?

Tony: You know it.

[unintelligible murmuring]

John: Tony, it's Mayer.

Tony: Mayday!

John: Yeah, I have a way for you to get out of there. It worked for me once when I was supposed to go to one of Ashley's concerts.

Tony: Oh yeah? But won't Jess notice I'm gone.

John: Well that's just it, you need a stand-in.

Tony: But I don't have one.

John: Are you at Jessica's place?

Tony: Yeah.

John: Perfect. One time I took Jessica to Six Flags and I won her a big stuffed doll. Whenever I needed to get away I'd just put it on the couch and slip away very slowly.

Tony: Where is it?

John: Check the back of the hall closet, I'll hold on.

Tony: I don't know, it certainly isn't very lifelike.

John: Trust me, she'll never even notice. She just needs something cute on her arm at all times. If anything, she'll just think your cuddlier than usual.

Tony: OK, I'm doing it. I'll meet you at the end of the block in five minutes... this better work.

John: Don't worry about it.

Later that evening...





Image via WWTDD

Here’s A Juicy Rumor: Sprint’s Simply Everything Plan Will Save You A Bundle!

While we’re busy trying to figure out which draft pick might possibly sign with which agent (because that’s interesting!), or telling you that Terry Bradshaw is dead, or pointing out that free agent contract you read about wasn’t quite as lucrative as originally reported, or re-reporting what Adam Schefter just said, or thinking of creative nicknames for reporters we don’t like (like Len Pastabelly, because he’s fat and Italian, and therefore must eat lots of pasta!), or posting YouTubes of PFTV from UHF Channel 61’s main shanty right in the heart of Morgantown, we at PFT like to talk.

On the phone.

We like it a lot.

That’s why we were so thrilled to switch over the other day to Sprint’s Simply Everything plan. They let us talk, text, send picture mail, and do so much more, all for just $99.99 a month!

Obviously, Sprint is the exclusive telecommunications partner of this site, but believe us when we say we wouldn’t endorse this plan if we didn’t think it was the best out there. And it is the best.

The absolute best.

It’s so good, it makes T-Mobile’s myFaves 600 plan look like Ocho Stinko! Ha ha!

Our guess is you won't find a better plan anywhere else on the market. It’s the one we rely on to get in touch with our top NFL source (A sanitation worker named Manuel who works in the building just two blocks down from Valley Ranch) and let you know the real NFL scoop! Stuff like:

-Brett Favre might unretire!
-Then again, he might not!
-But if he does or doesn’t, we’ll be able to refer back as having predicted it!
-Chad Johnson might possibly be traded if we report the idea enough!
-We assume Roger Goodell will come down hard on a player or coach of some sort!
-Carl Peterson is a poopyhead!
-We think someone might get slapped with the franchise tag!
-We plot out various potential legal scenarios based on ever-shifting circumstances!
-We tell you that some big news might be forthcoming, and that we’ll know specific details when it happens!
-We learn about all the amazing wireless accessories Sprint has to offer!

Sprint lets us do all that and more! And. We. Love. It. So take it from us and switch today.

Would we ever lead you astray?

Coach Cowher Always Enjoys Some Goddamn Nachos Whenever He Plays Mini-Golf With His Wife

Some fucking date night this turned out to be. If I knew you weren't gonna show up today, if I KNEW YOU WEREN'T GONNA COMPETE TODAY, THEN WE COULD HAVE JUST STAYED HOME. Now I didn't come all the way out here to Frankie's Fun Park to get embarrassed like this. You're lucky we're playing two rounds today, because that course OWNED YOUR ASS in the first half, and YOU BETTER FIND A WAY TO GET IT TOGETHER before we go back out there.

Did you even READ THE SCOUTING REPORT this week? You tried to hit it under the hippo on 13 when I'VE TOLD YOU ALL FUCKING WEEK THAT HIS TUMMY REACHES THE TURF! Get your HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS. And three times you went in the water because you didn't take care of the ball. You need to take what the course gives you this second half, because this time you're pulling YOUR OWN FUCKING BALL out of the water. I don't care if your hand does get wet.

[Juts out chin. Chin pokes 9-year-old kid in the eye]

What the hell was that kid doing within 3 feet of my chin? Yeah, why don't you cry about it, you little shit. What kind of mental approach to life is that? Chins are going to come at you from all angles later in life, kid. It's best you learn to overcome adversity while you're young and develop a pattern for success. Show some composure. ACT LIKE YOU'VE BEEN POKED WITH A CHIN BEFORE!

Enough of this shit. If I don't get some goddamn nachos my fucking head is gonna blow off. I always get some goddamn nachos when I play mini golf. And I better get more jalapeños than they have on that sorry poster.

And after I store some of these delicious nachos in my chin, we're going back out there and you're going to redeem yourself for that sorry first half. TAKE CARE OF THE GOLF BALL! This is our game! And we call our game mini-golf, not Putt-Putt. That's a proprietary trademark, and we don't let proprietary trademarks into our house...or, vocabulary!

NOW GET YOUR ASS OUT THERE AND HAVE A GOOD SECOND HALF! I believe you have honors.

Homerism Regional 2nd Round: No. 1 Jet vs. No. 5 Eagle. We Vote, You Defy

=

That's right. I'm calling this one even before the vote. I defy you to decide otherwise. Might as well advance the bracket already.

Voting (not that it matters) is opening through the rest of the day. Voting is closed on this contest. The Jet won with 54 percent of the vote.